Trips to the Dentist: 15
Most Marshmallow’s Valuable Player: Wallace
Hey FYALand! So apparently, there’s this crowd-funded movie coming out next year, based on some short-lived TV show. And it’s kind of a big deal? Since we’ve all been having so much fun with the Gilmore Girls and Young Americans rewatches, wouldn’t it be neat to acquaint ourselves with this feisty teen detective living in a town named after a Sailor Scout?
But freals — y’all knew this was coming, right? LET’S DO THIS! And let’s do this with alcohol!
The Official FYA Veronica Mars Season 1 Drinking Game
Take a drink every time:
- Someone says “Veronica Mars”, even when they know full well who she is and there’s no other Veronica in all of Neptune
- Veronica uses her camera
- Mars family members hug (Backup counts!)
- Backup appears
- Take an extra drink when Backup gets recast
- Someone mentions the 90909 zip code or ’09ers
- Someone uses a disguise/alias/fake voice
- A character, initially introduced as good, turns out to be a baddie (or vice versa)
- Fisticuffs occur
- Veronica has a meeting in a bathroom
- Logan’s voicemail greeting is heard
- Lilly appears in a flashback
- Pour one out when it’s her corpse
And off we go to Neptune!
MARS INVESTIGATIONS, CASE 1.1 “Pilot”
Social outcast Veronica Mars (drink!) juggles schoolwork and sleuthing on the regular, so it doesn’t even faze her to see the new kid Wallace taped to the school flagpole, wearing nothing but his undies and the word “SNITCH” across his chest. Instead of gawking at him because she’s not a raging douchecanoe (and she’s the type of gal to carry a knife on her at all times), Veronica cuts the poor kid off of the pole.
Turns out that new kid Wallace works at a convenience store, and he had simply hit the silent alarm when two members of the PCH biker gang blatantly shoplifted booze. Because Sheriff Don Lamb is the worst (and not even the enjoyable kind of worst yet), he all but paints a neon bullseye on a scared teenage witness by questioning him in front of the very people he’s accusing of stealing. Even though Wallace tries to recant, the Sheriff’s department confiscates the store’s surveillance video. So now both sides of the law are mad at Wallace.
Our girl V. intervenes, getting Wallace out of trubs (and a few others into it). She plants a bong in the locker of obligatory psychotic jackass Logan — just in time for a locker search. Logan gets sent to the principal’s office, and the bong gets sent into the evidence room of the Sheriff’s department… where it starts a fire, prompting the arrival of the fire department and a switcheroo of videotapes. (The fire chief and Veronica’s ex-Sheriff dad Keith go way back. What’s some petty evidence tampering between friends?)
While the bikers’ courtroom gets shown a video of law enforcement officials receiving ‘favours’ from a seedy strip club (and V. helps out lawyer Cliff McCormack on not one, but two cases), the shoplifting vid goes to Wallace, who now has leverage for the PCH leader Weevil to leave him the cuss alone.
How many Trips to the Dentist did I take? (drink count) 15
A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends
Once upon a time, Veronica had a penchant for pink sweaters and long hair with no bangs. She also used to be best friends with effervescent Lilly Kane, and she dated Lilly’s not-so-effervescent* brother, Duncan (at least, until the donut unceremoniously dumps V.). A few hours after seeing her at a pep squad car wash, Veronica arrives at the Kane manse with still-Sheriff Keith, only to discover a catatonic Duncan and a bludgeoned-to-death Lilly.
During the ensuing investigation, Keith gets ousted as Sheriff for pursuing the wrong lead, becoming a national laughingstock. Fed up with the loss of stature and income, Lianne Mars abandons her daughter and husband. An ostracized Veronica puts on a brave face and attends Shelly Pomroy’s party. It’s a decision she regrets the next morning, when she wakes up after being roofied and raped. (And omg how could anyone be anything less than absolutely gutted while watching Veronica come to that realization?) A distraught Veronica goes to report the rape, but Sheriff Lamb is a ginormous ass-hat and does shit-all but make unfunny Wizard of Oz jokes.
*Spoiler alert, since we’re not supposed to know he’s dull yet. SORRY, Y’ALL.
File Under Lilly Kane’s Murder
Well, Lilly ‘s dead, so there’s that. And she had a secret — a good one. The leaked crime scene video went viral, thanks to the very technology that Lilly’s father invented. After Keith was removed from office for this snafu, his replacement Don Lamb apprehends former Kane Software employee Abel Koontz for the murder of Lilly Kane, due to her shoes and backpack being found on Koontz’s houseboat.
Present day! Even though Lilly’s murderer is behind bars, Veronica discovers that her dad hasn’t given up the investigation (so neither will we!). Weirder still, Keith’s case files include a very recent photo linking Jake Kane to Lianne Mars.
Life on Mars
Veronica’s still on the outs with her former friends, and she just found out her dad’s been keeping secrets from her. But she made a new friend in Wallace! He shares his remote-controlled toys! And compares her to confectionaries! Wallace is the best.
Not the best: Lianne Mars. Meeting up with Jake Kane in some sordid motel room? And it’s kind of heartbreaking that our strong, sassy Veronica hung onto the unicorn music box that Lianne left in place of an actual goodbye. As much as life has hardened her in the recent past, Veronica is still so vulnerable when it comes to her mother. There’s a lot that she’s wiling to forgive in order to preserve that lifelong trust.
Most Marshmallow’s Valuable Player): Wallace
Oh, no contest. Weevil and his boys are gross and lewd (well, for network TV), and Keith tarnishes his goofy, fun dad status by keeping secrets from V. Wallace, on the other hand, goes from stranger to accomplice in one episode!
Best Reminder That It’s 2004
The entire Case of the Episode revolves around surveillance videotapes. Honourable mentions go to the kid who takes a selfie with poor taped-to-the-flagpole Wallace using an actual CAMERA, and to PCHer Felix who makes a reference to O-Town, aka the product of Making a Band to sing about wet dreams.
And the Snark Award Goes To…: No one?
This ep is kind of low on clever quips. But this observation by Wallace is pretty good. It spawned the name of a fandom, after all.
Wallace: “That might play with the masses, but underneath that angry young woman shell, there’s a slightly less angry young woman who’s just dying to bake me something. You’re a marshmallow, Veronica Mars. A twinkie!”
STAY GOLD, WALLACE.
- Amanda Seyfried as Lilly Kane. It’s weather girl/singing orphan/singing Meryl Streep’s daughter! She only has a few lines this episode, one of which you’ll hear ad nauseam if you don’t skip through the Previouslies.
Song for a Spy’s Soundtrack: “We Used to Be Friends” by The Dandy Warhols
Anddddd that’s all we’ll be covering this week, Marshmallows. You can blame that on this season for having 22 episodes. Besides, you’ll need the whole week to train your livers for the next rewatch sesh.
To make up for the lack of
Logan episodes (and to soak up some of that booze in your tummies), I originally aspired to make marshmallows! But 1) I don’t have a stand mixer or 2) a suitable food thermometer, and 3) I already foresaw dropping my phone into marshmallow batter. (The alternative plan was to make snickerdoodles, but those would be too boring to document.)
So! Here’s the recipe I intended to use. This variation doesn’t include corn syrup, because isn’t that shizz bad for you? [Ed. note: Not unless it’s high-fructose!] But if you’d like to live dangerously deliciously, here’s a corn syrup version with far better photos than I would have taken.
ANYWAY. Next week’s episodes — “Credit Where Credit’s Due”, “Meet John Smith”, and “The Wrath of Con” — have an absolutely wonderful (to me) theme. Can y’all guess (or should I say, detect) what it is?