Previously on UnReal, the show copes with Mary’s death by successfully figuring out how to get the show back on the air, Chet splits with his wife, Rachel sleeps with Jeremy but then crawls to Adam’s bed to sleep.
Now that Mary’s passing has been mourned for the appropriate amount of time (three days), it’s time for Unreal to get back to the business of sexy drama. And boy, did it ever!
The Rundown
Best show opening ever: a slow camera pan up Adam’s shirtless body as he’s rubbing Rachel’s foot, a.k.a. EVERY WOMAN’S FANTASY. He’s telling her a story about a previous escapade, and she says, “I don’t like having sex on the beach with all that sand.” “Yeah, that’s what beds are for,” Adam replies, and the look in his eye makes that sexual undertone more like a totally-over-tone. Rachel heads out and bumps into, oh hey, Jeremy! He tells her that he can’t stop thinking about last night, and she’s like, “Cool, tell your fiancée.” NICE.
In the control room, Quinn and Chet are being WAY too cute, but it only takes a few minutes for Quinn to get back to business. There’s four girls left (Anna, Faith, Grace and Shamiqua) with three episodes to go. And this episode will focus on… spa dates?
Chet’s ex shows up and boasts that she’ll take him for every penny. I was feeling bad for her but then she took a shot and justified it by saying that she probably has a flipper baby so NOPE. Chet offers to cut a deal instead of paying millions to lawyers, and she takes it, to the tune of $50 million. Damn.
Then there’s a scene that doesn’t matter much to the plot but I had to mention it because it was SO great. Faith tells the other gals that she feels weird shooting the show so soon after Mary’s death, and Graham swoops in with this “show must go on” speech and the lack of respect for this dude is hilarious.
Chet and Quinn hop on a call with Brad (from the network) who wants to capitalize on ratings and do a two-hour special with Adam actually getting married. Chet suggests a spin-off, Royal Love, that would follow Adam and his bride, and Brad gleefully agrees, but only if they get him to marry Grace so she’ll bring in the Telemundo audience. Real classy, Brad. Reeeeal classy.
Quinn and Chet sit down with Adam and Grace and tell them about Royal Love. Of course, Grace is totally down but Adam is not, and he refuses to do it. But dude, Adam, we need you on season two of Unreal! You have to say yes! Later, Grace tells Anna that she’s already been chosen as the winner, i.e. it’s a done deal. Grace, I was starting to like you after last week’s episode but spilling the beans like that is a straight up stupid move. Anna is pissed.
Chet asks Rachel to change Adam’s mind, and she strikes a bargain with him– if she does it, she gets to run Royal Love. Fueled by the promise of living her dream (well, her realistic one), she tries to persuade Adam, but he won’t budge on marrying one of the girls. “Believe it or not, I have a modicum of respect for them.” And now I, sir, have a modicum of respect for you!
Anna admits to Rachel that she knows the deal about Royal Love and Grace, and Rachel has an idea– what if Anna won instead? Rachel thinks she can make it happen but first, Anna has to make Adam want her. In, like, one episode? Mmmkay.
It’s spa treatment time! Shamiqua gets massaged by Adam but refuses to bring the sex appeal (like Jay asked her to do). Faith and Adam get in an ADORABLE clay fight, which isn’t good for Everlasting but is AWESOME for Unreal. Thanks to Rachel’s interference, Grace has to deal with something called a “cedar enzyme bath” and totally freaks out. “Where I come from, being buried alive is no joke.” And then she changed her name to Flo and joined the Barden Bellas.
Now it’s time for Anna and Adam’s date, and they get to do tantra! Nice one, Rachel. Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the fantastic ridiculousness of this spa guy? Dude is totally an MVP. Anyway, Anna practically meowing at Adam, and he’s picking up what she’s putting down, but then she mentions England and he gets mad that yet another person is trying to make him do the show, so he storms out. Rachel follows him, but he’s adamant that marriage means something to him.
Speaking of marriage, Lizzie tells Jeremy she no longer wants to postpone the wedding, and his face is NOT the face of a happily engaged man. Later, he breaks up with her by saying, “You deserve someone who’s gonna love you all the way.” That’s Jeremy code for “someone who’s not gonna cheat on you.” I feel bad for Lizzie but she never felt like a fully formed character, plus at this point I’m still Team Jeremy.
Chet surprises Quinn with a romantic, candlelit dinner. Seriously, there’s like a thousand candles in this room, and Everlasting has taught us that this is key to romance, so it’s no shocker that Chet proposes. It’s pretty cute to see Quinn all gooey-eyed and flustered! (She says yes.)
The next morning, Rachel confesses to Chet that she can’t convince Adam to sign on for Royal Love, so he does what any normal boss would do — he makes her drive his sports car on a winding mountain road then forces down the gas pedal so she learns come kind of lesson involving “taking your car to its full speed” and “truly being in control of your car” and I don’t know much about cars but I do know that Chet is crazy.
They get back to set, where Rachel promptly vomits, then Quinn follows her to insure that she got the message. Oh, she gets it all right.
In Adam’s room, Rachel sells him on the idea of shooting Royal Love at his winery (The Everlasting Resort) and making it a kind of renovation show to garner more publicity for his business. And, more importantly, she says that Adam and Anna could just be engaged, not married. Why didn’t she just suggest this before? At any rate, the only thing Adam has to do is win back Anna. Like that’s gonna be hard.
Back at craft services, Chet gives Madison a pep talk about not rolling over for Quinn, but she claims that she’s not scared of Quinn, and that she’s exactly where she wants to be. Girl is actually showing some spunk?! Chet laughs and says, “Ah, the glamorous life of a PA.” “For now…” Madison replies, and I am getting a VERY CREEPY FEELING ABOUT THIS.
Jeremy eagerly fills Rachel in on his break-up with Lizzie then swoops her up in a big ole kiss. She looks… happy? Maybe? Oh Rachel. He asks her to meet him later that night in her truck.
At the ceremony shoot, Adam asks for a minute alone with Anna so he can apologize for running out on their spa scene. He tells her that they do have a connection, and he wants to explore that, then he really drives that point home with a smokin’ hot kiss. Rachel (and every straight woman and gay man in America) is insanely jealous.
Quinn is super happy about this development, and I hope she cherished that feeling because the next minute, she discovers Madeline going down on Chet. EWWWWW GROSS NOOOOO. Her face looks thunderous, but she carefully tiptoes out of the room. Later, she takes a flash drive out of a safe and replaces it with her ring, then runs up to Chet with a huge smile on her face and insists that they get married ASAP. Girlfriend has a PLAN!!!! And I can’t wait to see what it is.
Back at the ceremony shoot, Adam cuts Shamiqua (no surprise) which means Jay is out. Bye, Jay!
Rachel heads to Adam’s room to “talk,” and Jeremy shows up at her truck, but she’s not there… BECAUSE SHE’S HAVING SEX WITH ADAM!! WHUT!
This Week’s Wifey
Anna is looking like she’ll nab the role of Adam’s fiancée, but I gotta give the Wifey award to Faith, who was so freaking cute when she was throwing clay at Adam. “Isn’t this so INVIGORATING?!” Love her.
This Week’s Villain
Chet, you are THE WORST. I wish Rachel had crashed your car and somehow managed to avoid injury while launching your face through the windshield.
True Love, People
When Adam says to Rachel, “What if I can’t have what I truly want?” while staring deep into her eyes and HOT DAMN, no wonder they finally had sex.
Bitch, Plz
Quinn: “We’re done with death, okay? Give me romance, romance, romance!”
Quinn, on getting the show back on track.
Quinn: “Adam wants a lady on the street but a freak in the sheets, capiche?”
Quinn, giving Ludacris a run for his money.
Quinn: “People should die more often.”
Quinn, heavy on the sarcasm, on the spike in ratings after Mary’s death.
Quinn: “Why are you letting Adam get all up in your vag? He’s a prop, Rachel.”
Rachel: “Because maybe I’m just sick of being a manipulative bitch.”Quinn, TELLING IT LIKE IT IS.
Quinn: “Oh, well, let me tell you sweetheart. There’s no sense fighting that. That’s who we are.”
Burning Questions
- Is it really possible that Mary only died three days ago? Damn.
- Do y’all feel like Adam’s character arc is believable at this point? I kinda do, and I kinda don’t. He was SUCH a smarmy prick earlier in the season, and now he suddenly respects these girls? I buy it, but only because I really want to buy it. Because he’s hot, is what I’m saying.
- Anyone else feel totally cheated by the cut to Adam and Rachel already having sex? Where was the foreplay? We didn’t even get one lousy (passionate) kiss!
Next Week
There’s only two episodes left! Looks like Quinn has footage of Adam and Rachel doing the deed, and woman knows how to use it.
