Previously on UnReal, Jeremy hooks up with Hot Rachel (gross), Rachel convinces Darius to keep his injury a secret (and stay on the show) and Chet gets busted for kidnapping his son.
I can’t tell if this episode was super amazing or… not. So, yeah, let’s process, shall we?
The Rundown
Jeremy spots Coleman dropping off Rachel, who in turn spots Hot Rachel coming out of Jeremy’s trailer and holding a photo of Rachel that’s been shot to bits. Speaking of tools, Chet is out of jail and back to renew his declaration of love for Quinn, who is having NONE OF IT while trying on dresses for the Impact Awards later that night. Quinn has a plan to meet with John Booth, a billionaire who recently bought like ALL the networks, to convince him to give her one of them. Hell, if anyone can do it, it’s Quinn. But what she doesn’t know is that Coleman, as the showrunner, got the tickets, and he’s taking Rachel.
On Everlasting, fans have cast their vote to select two girls that Darius must choose from… for an overnight! And who knows which contestants the fans chose, because like those votes are tallied! Bitch, plz. Quinn picks Hot Rachel and Dominique, who is a basketball player whom we haven’t seen much of. To get back at Hot Rachel, Rachel gives Dominique some advice: spill the beans on camera to Darius about Hot Rachel sleeping with a crew member. It works, but not in the way Dominique hoped, because Darius goes rogue and chooses Ruby!
Coleman, having heard about the shot-up photo of Rachel, basically demotes Jeremy (SATISFYING), so the latter decides to get drunk and piss on Coleman’s car like the class act he is. Chet finds him there and takes him into the woods for some kind of confessional/manhood ritual and NO ONE CARES. Jeremy admits that he still loves Rachel, and please refer back to NO ONE CARES.
Coleman schools Quinn on the notion of making noise rather than doing the same old Everlasting, so Quinn accepts the challenge and makes arrangements to bring in Ruby’s dad (Marcus from Alias!!!!) before getting all dolled up and heading to the Impact Awards, where she dazzles John Booth (oh hey, it’s Andrew Martin from Ringer) with her smarts and her hotness. I mean, look at this babe:
Turns out, John Booth is a huge Everlasting fan, so Quinn invites him to return to set with her so he can watch Ruby’s dad show up just in time to see his daughter having sex via a camera that reeeeeeally shouldn’t be on. He busts into the room, but Rachel and Coleman stops the cameras from following him in… until Quinn reminds Rachel, “This is who you are, Rachel, and this is what we love to do.” After a split second of indecision, Rachel takes the cameras in, where they capture Ruby’s dad saying that he’s ashamed of her, and Ruby admitting that she is in love with Darius and wants to stay. D-A-A-A-A-A-N-G.
Quinn immediately calls for an elimination ceremony, where Darius blows out the candles (no, seriously, that’s the symbol for eliminating someone) held by Dominique (no surprise) and… Ruby?! WHAT! Darius doesn’t feel like he’s enough for her and is afraid of spending a lifetime disappointing her, and damn, dude, I thought you were cool but in fact you’re AN IDIOT. And now Jay is super upset (as I am, Jay, as am I), but who’s more at fault, Rachel or Quinn? Okay, yeah, they both kinda suck right now.
John invites Quinn to come home with him (as Chet watches), and she accepts — after they make a brief detour to Costco to get a coffin for her dad’s funeral the next day. Lovely. Meanwhile, Jeremy accosts Rachel in the dressing room and HITS HER. UM. NO NO NO NO NO. I can’t believe I’m saying this but thank god for Chet, who shows up, throws Jeremy out of the trailer and fires him. Well, if that’s the one positive contribution Chet makes for the entire run of the show, he’s earned his right to be there for an infinite amount of seasons. (I’m going to regret saying that, aren’t I?)
This Week’s Wifey
Once again, Ruby takes the cake, but I guess in a to-go box? STUPID DARIUS.
This Week’s Villain
Jeremy. Obviously. SO VILE. It seems safe to assume that he’s not coming back, unless you’re actually familiar with this show, because of course they’re going to bring him back.
True Love, People
Man, I was really digging Darius and Ruby, especially when she was telling him that he could be more than a football player. I guess there’s a chance that they can still end up together, but at the same time, Ruby doesn’t need that shizz. As Darius admitted, girl can do better!
With regards to Coleman and Rachel, I’m not really feeling the sparks. I’m not sure Quinn is right (i.e. that Coleman is Rachel’s Chet) but I also don’t see a bright future for these two.
Quinning
Quinn: “I’m not a 19-year-old Instagram bimbo. I am a BOSS.”
Trying on dresses and stating facts.
Chet, describing jail: “A lot of drunks, losers, a lot of puke.”
Quinn, describing truth: “Those are your people, Chet, so get used to it.”
Quinn: “America, welcome to my boobs.”
Insightful commentary on Hot Rachel’s outfit.
Quinn: “MADISON!”
This is quickly becoming my new favorite line on the show.
Burning Questions
- Now that Ruby is off the show, will the writers finally try to make us care about any of the other wifeys?
- Will Ruby return in the finale, just like Britney did in Season 1?
- Is Coleman using Rachel like Quinn suspects?
- Is this show still good? Honestly, guys, I can’t tell anymore.
