Previous episode: “Being Sutton”
Man, I am so jealous of Megan no H’s awesome oops-the-Lying-Game-recap-is-late excuse! Earthquake! That’s the BEST ONE, except, you know, for all the damage. I am also jealous of her nap, but that’s really neither here nor there. Anyway, my only excuse is a small 20-lb earthquake called Mr. T, who keeps trying to make my Lying Game recap looked like this: 75834pu23jrwkf;njkcn;wjKDHN; SJK;dsjkdfjn s;j and that’s just not as interesting as a real earthquake. But! Here it is! And for all 3 of you who might be missing Teen Wolf, with pictures!
The only ab count I’d be able to do for this episode would involve Charlemagne’s abs, and I was too blinded by her godawful bikini to think about ab count tallies. But the bikini! It rivals Poor Twin’s tailored romper for worst outfit this week (how do you go to the bathroom in those things? Do they have little snaps in the crotch like my son’s rompers? I only have a stretchy one I wear to the pool, so it’s easy to pull off, but this one’s all tailored-and-belted poplin and doesn’t look like it’d be so easy to remove). What do you guys think?
Worst Outfit
OK, let’s get lying!
Recap
Sutton [on a laptop]: “Wake up, secret boyfriend!”
Ethan: “Huh, what? Oh, hey. (Damn, thank god I’m alone.)”
Sutton: “Glad YOUR laptop hasn’t been stolen.”
Ethan: “Yeah. Hey, CopBro, any news on, uh, that laptop? No? OK, thanks. Nope, just wondering. Yep. Right.
Sooo… I kissed Emma. I couldn’t help it! She looks just like you!”
Sutton: “WHAT?!? You IDIOT! You JERK! She’s nothing like me! She’s NICE.
Oh, beeteedubs,I love you.”
Ethan: “Uh… *blink* *blink* … I love you too?”
Emma [as Sutton]: “You just don’t understand! He’s not a criminal, he’s my BOYFRIEND! And he’s dreeeeeamy.”
Parents: “It’s ok, honey. We’re just glad you’re not a heinous bitch anymore. Give us a hug!”
Justin: “Hey, blond girl playing violin in the park in a tiny skirt!”
Laurel: *flirt flirt*
This show! So much happens, yet doesn’t happen! It does not make for funny picture making!
Anyway, Poor Twin is out meangirling around with Charzam and Mads when they run into Mads’ Dad, aka Nathan Petrelli from Heroes, aka married to that Dixie Chicks chick. Anywho, Poor Twin apologizes for throwing her secret boyfriend’s face in front of his punching arm, and he accepts (hey, he’s a DA. Everything is always someone else’s fault!), then takes his daughter aside for a friendly father-daughter chat because he was mad (haha, get it? Mad?) because she stayed out all night.
Char: “Eww! Girl, he is NOT your boyfriend!”
Emma: “Hey! I told Mercer Mom and Mercer Dad about you being Rich Twin’s secret boyfriend! Now you’re coming over to dinner!”
Ethan: “Uh, LAME. Rich Twin wouldn’t do that. You suck. Fix it before I have to sigh resignedly again.”
Thayer: “I can’t believe you are banging Ethan!”
Sutton: “Do you have the info I need or not?”
Thayer: “Oh, yeah. Birth Mom works at the library. She doesn’t want to see you, though.”
Sutton: “Ha, that’s what she thinks!”
Char: “Oooooh, NEW BOY! Dibs on YOU!”
Justin: “Um, I kind of already picked someone else…”
Laurel: “That bitch!”
Ruth: “Shhh! This is a library!”
Sutton: “Listen, lady, I just want the truth!”
Ruth: “Rich Twin, I am not your mother. Your birth mother paid me to sell you girls to a baby broker.”
Sutton: “WHAT?”
You guys, this episode isn’t even halfway through yet. SO MANY SCENES. My drawing finger is getting too tired. Anyway, Laurel has a sad because Char called dibs on the new guy. Poor Twin thinks it’s dumb, but Laurel just wants to be popular! Then New Guy Justin sneaks up and pickpockets her phone, then programs in his number. I think he’s going to turn out to be an undercover officer — who’s with me? 21 Jump Street, anyone?
Meanwhile, back at Rich Twin’s House of Lying Lies, Poor Twin shows up in the Romper from Hell (I hope she remembered to pee first) and tries to cancel the Meet the Parents Again, Under Less Shady Circumstances, Dinner. Mercer Mom gets her feelings hurt, so Poor Twin changes her mind, even though we all know Sutton would just sneer and call her mom a dumb bitch or something. Ethan’s all pissed, and I can’t tell if it’s because A. Poor Twin isn’t doing a good enough job acting bitchy like Rich Twin, B. he has to go to a Make Nice dinner or C. he knows he’ll never get that ridiculous outfit off Poor Twin so he can get in her knickers.
Ooh, dance sequence! Mads’ dad shows up to intimidate the dance teacher for staching his daughter. She’s saved by a phone call, so back to dancing! That’s right, Mads’ Dad — nobody puts Baby in a corner!
The girls video chat, Rich Twin filling Poor Twin in on the adoption scam.
Sutton: “My parents are evil and criminal bitches!”
Emma: “But being rich is so great!”
Sutton: “Yeah, well, they’re lying liars who lie, and I can’t live with that.”
Later, at the Meet the Parents Again, Under Less Shady Circumstances, Dinner, Laurel starts things off with a bang by grilling Ethan about prison. In a moment of embarrassed confusion, Mercer Dad asks how they met. I can’t remember my dad EVER asking that, or caring. He was mainly concerned with figuring out how to kill the guy and hide the body. Ethan starts telling some romantical story and gets all mushy at the table in front of the entire family. EMBARRASSING. But not as embarrassing as CopBro showing up to take him home. Of course, Poor Twin runs off to meddle. Apparently CopBro found Rich Twin’s laptop in Ethan’s car, and now Poor Twin is crushed because her criminal not-secret-boyfriend-not-boyfriend is a criminal! Sad face!
Mercer Dad gives her a pep talk about how she can’t always trust people, but she can trust him.
The next day, at lunch, Char schemes to get New Boy Justin. Poor Twin, still having sads because she can’t trust her criminal not-secret-boyfriend-not-boyfriend to not be a criminal, throws cold water on the parade. Everyone is confused, except me. I’m just bored.
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, city of abandoning birth mothers and baby broker schemes, Rich Twin and Mobile App Mogul-to-be Thayer are confronting the rich family who adopted Poor Twin. Surprise! She wasn’t supposed to be in foster care after all, but then the birth mother showed up and took her away. The erstwhile adoptive dad said they couldn’t do anything about it because it was an illegal adoption, but somehow there was legal paperwork involved? Or something?
Trustworthy Mercer Dad is playing golf with Untrustworthy Mads’ Dad, who tells him Ethan stole the laptop and then they say something about how Mads’ Dad helped CopBro out back in the day. More lies! Or secrets! Or something!
Ethan’s creeping around in Poor Twin’s room and she calls him on it. He claims the laptop theft and everything are all connected! And a setup! They’re trying to break us up!
Emma: “Sutton. Break you and Sutton up. And I thought I liked you, but I don’t know you.”
Ethan: “I don’t know you either.”
Char’s having a pool party to show off her heinous swimwear. She’s so excited because New Boy Justin might be there, but Laurel doesn’t go because she has a sad because she didn’t call dibs. Char starts whining because she can’t find New Boy Justin on Facebook (it’s because he’s an undercover officer!), so Laurel gives up New Boy Justin’s phone number.
Apparently Poor Twin just can’t get the hang of being a lazy, cruel bitch because she did her homework! And the teacher is suspicious and calls her a cheater cheater pumpkin eater! Luckily Mercer Mom trusts her, and we learn an important lesson about trusting those we love. But over at Ethan’s house, it looks like CopBro and Ethan need to learn that same lesson!
Pool party! Did people really have pool parties like this in high school, and I was just too much of a loser to go? I don’t know.
Char
coal: “New Boy Justin! Use my body!”
Justin: “Uh … I’m going over here now. So Sutton, is Laurel going to be here?”
Char: “Pout.”
Emma: “Nope, because Char claimed you.”
Justin: “And what do I have to say about this?”
Emma: “Nothing. Sorry, sucka! But here’s our address.”
Mads is on the phone, lying to daddy about staying over at Char’s, when she’s really staying to BONE THE DANCE TEACHER. Go Megan no H, you totes called it. Mads’ Dad is all suspicious, becoming ActionDad! Who springs into action! Uh oh, and so does Mads.
And we’re back in LA! Where Rich Twin is bitching to App Mogul-to-be Thayer about her deadbeat parents, and whines that the mother wanted Emma and not her, since she took Poor Twin back but didn’t come get her, haha. Then she decides she’s so depressed, she’s going to pity fuck Thayer and goes to his apartment. Someone’s been there, playing on his laptop! I hope they didn’t screw up his World of Warcraft high scores (or whatever it’s called in that game … help me out here).
Poor Twin and Ethan make up, since they learned Very Important Lessons About Trust. Then they almost make out, but Rich Twin just can’t stay out of the way.
Laurel’s tired of trying to be Sutton. Aw, honey, you’re not the only one!
Mom Mercer: “You’re so different from Sutton! You’re actually nice! And amazing!”
Laurel whines about how she can’t get a guy, when the doorbell rings. There’s New Boy Justin! Laurel has a happy.
Upstairs, Poor Twin is going through Rich Twin’s laptop looking at all the pictures of Ethan. There’s sad music and we cut to Ethan crying under a full moon, thinking about how he and Rich Twin met. AWW. Mem-reees! Sad faces!
Back in the LA HQ of App Kingpin and Part-Time Private Investigator Thayer, he and Rich Twin play a rousing game of “Who’s sleeping where?”, since Rich Twin is torpedoing her shot at geek loving by making fun of gamer espionage. Then Erstwhile Adoptive Dad Mr. Webster knocks on the door with a letter from the baby momma, with a photo of her and Poor Twin. Mads’ dad is creeping outside, spying, when he SHOULD be creeping outside the dance studio, amirite?
Rich Twin calls Poor Twin to show her the picture. How do these girls know the other will be on the computer at the right time? I don’t get it. Anyway, Poor Twin starts to confess to the shambles she’s making of Rich Twin’s reputation, but Rich Twin butts in to show her the photo of Poor Twin and Baby Momma. And that’s a wrap!
So, what do y’all think? Are there just TOO MANY LIES for one ABC Family to handle? How bad will the clothes be next week? CAN YOU BEAR THE SUSPENSE??
