YOU GUYS. Pretty Little Liars was CRAZYBALLS. I wish every episode of this show was the last episode of the season. I don’t mean that in a bad way; they just really pull out all the stops on the last few episodes.
Alright, no time for chatter. It’s the last episode of the season! You guys! IT’S ALL BEEN LEADING UP TO THIS.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: the girls spy Garrett schtupping Jenna; Pa Hastings hates Jason; Fitz’s ex-girlfriend Jackie hates Aria; Gertie got Hanna drunk and made her look bad in front of Deadbeat Dad; Mike is having capital-I Issues that Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is capital-I Ignoring, MAYA IS BACK!; Wren would like to study Spencer’s gross anatomy; Butthair can’t remember the night of Ali’s death, but woke up with a mysterious note in his pocket; Ali was buried alive but a page is missing from the autopsy; Annabeth Gish figured out who A is but Annabeth Gish is nowhere to be found, which already makes this show better than seasons 8 and 9 of The X-Files.
Show! Fade in on some VERY dirty hands. Aria, Hanna and Spencer are all sitting in a police interrogation room, completely filthy. Aww! It’s just like the promo shots from last year! In the little room where Stabler is usually being yelled at by Dann Florek (yes, all my knowledge of cop stuff comes from SVU), Babycop!Garrett is crowing that the girls are “definitely guilty” to someone whose face is too important to be shown. Important Person sips coffee and fiddles with a pen. I think he might be from the Eff Bee Eye. Anyhooskies, Important Person will probably get a promotion if he can nail the girls. I mean, in a cop way. Not in a sexy way. Though on this show, you never know.
Interrogation Room of Dirty Perps. Important Guy comes in. The camera pans up to his face, and hey! It’s Jerky Detective!!! Jerky Detective, we have not missed you at all! Well, Prozzie Mom possibly has; I don’t know what her sex life is like since she stopped schtupping Deadbeat Dad.
Jerky Detective tells the girl that homicide is a capital crime in Pennsylvania, and that they are “going down.” On you? No, Jerky Detective, that’s Prozzie Mom’s job. Obviously you’ve been away from this show too long. Allow me to catch you up.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Show! It’s daytime, and everyone is clean! The girls are checking Annabeth Gish’s house, and it’s 12 hours earlier. Aw, this is some Alias-style shit now! Hopefully someone shows up dressed in leather and speaking in a bad French accent. God, I miss that show.
Emily thinks maybe they should go to the police, and I realize that these recaps have missed a PATENTLY OBVIOUS rule for the drinking games – Drink every time anyone says they should go to the police. Then drink twice when they realize they have no one to trust!
Spencer thinks they just have to wait and “hope the phone doesn’t ring” – which of course is when Em’s phone goes off. Spencer snarks, “that did not just happen” and I know I say this a lot, but Troian Bellisario has really excellent comedic timing, so I hope that they continue to give her these little one-liners. But, never fear! It’s just Maya! I mean, it’s AWESOMELY MAYA.
By the way, Aria is wearing the worst earrings yet. First of all, they’re like five inches in both height and width, and they are a triangle made out of wood and it looks like someone was trying to build a teepee next to her neck but abandoned the job in favor of smoking some peyote. I just don’t understand the reasoning behind this child’s wardrobe.
Hanna, on the other hand, looks delightfully windswept.
Let’s talk about Maya! She, Em and Hanna are all hanging out, and Hanna’s asking what Gay Away Camp was like. Maya now knows all the words to “I’ve Got A Friend in Jesus,” which makes this the lamest Gay Away Camp evs (well, relative, of course; they’re all tres lame), cause you guys couldn’t even spring for some “Go Tell It On The Mountain” or anything? Or maybe that song about how the Lord told Noah to build him an arky-arky? I like that song because it teaches you that to rhyme, you only need to add a -y to the end of everything.
Emily is smiling even more hugely than I am at the return of Maya in her life. She attempts to usher Hanna out of the room, cause, you know, she wants to see exactly what percentage of Gay has been Awayed by the crazy people, and Hanna’s complying when she compliments Maya . . . on her motorcycle boots. The boots that Gloved McEvilson purchased online about six episodes ago! FUCK! NO! NOT MAYA PLEASE NOT MAYA! Please tell me that A and Maya just happen to have the same taste in Frye boots because A is also a lesbian! Maybe A is Samara! I’m okay with that! I guess I could even tolerate her being Kat from 10 Things I Hate About You, but NOT MAYA!
It’s got to be a red herring, right? THIS IS SO UPSETTING. Maya, meanwhile, looks TOTALLY guilty.
Maya’s all “so much has happened while I was in Gay Away camp getting my Gay Awayed! I don’t know this Emily, so I want to be friends first.” Maya is kind of talking down to Emily as if Emily is still a novice lesbian, showing up for her first class in Lesbian 101. Emily’s done okay for herself while you’ve been getting your daily injection of Hot Jesus Love, Maya. You don’t need to be jerky. Grr. She’s got those boots on and I am now entirely suspicious of her.
Spencer’s house! Toby, sadly beshirted, is on the phone with his mechanic. Toby’s hair is getting just an eeeeeensy bit unruly again. You need to watch that, Toby. Even though I have completely warmed to you, cause LEANY KISSES and you make Spencer giddy, I will dump you if your hair goes back to that emo moptop bullshit from last year. You aren’t Ringo Fucking Starr, okay, kid? Cut your hair.
Apparently Toby’s brake line in his truck was severed! He thinks he probably just backed up over something at work, but you know and I know that someone is trying to kill that boy. Probably a vengeful Ringo Starr, who merely wants his haircut back.
Toby and Spencer engage in some convo about what their kids look like and ew ew ew I’m plugging my ears. That shit is obnoxious enough when it is married adults, you two, but it is insupportable coming from teenagers. I know, I know, you’re going to be together forever and your great-grandchildren will buy you a retirement condo in Florida and throw you a 70-year wedding anniversary party with those delicious Dainty Mints, but until that occurs, can it about the future children.
Anyhooskies, Spencer and Toby spy Butthair taking down the papers covering Alison’s bedroom windows. Butthair has cut his hair a tiny bit more. DO NOT LET HIM LAP YOU, TOBY! Toby pries a bit about what Pa Hastings was doing at Butthair’s abode, and Spencer gets a bit defensive about it and tells him she doesn’t know.
Look at his hair! We are on red alert!
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. She’s calling Annabeth Gish, but her voicemail is full. Then the door rings! It’s Caleb! He’s back from California! Hanna adorably rambles about Deadbeat Dad’s wedding and Gertie and the back fat she’s going to have in her dress before Caleb shuts her up with his lips. Don’t silence her concerns, Caleb! Back fat is a scourge that plagues 9 out of 10 bridesmaids. WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED.
Hollis. Jackie shows up at Fitz’s with coffee. She totally tries to play Aristotle to his Sophocles, if you know what I’m sayin’. Butt sex, is what I’m sayin’. But Fitz is all, “Hold up, ladycakes! I already got me a girl and she’s probably going to even get her first period soon!” Aria, also coming to Fitz’s with coffee, eavesdrops on Jackie trying her hand once more. Then Aria gets a text, and holy mother of god, it’s an actual photo of Annabeth Gish, HOLDING A NEWSPAPER, like A is Al Qaeda or something. There’s an attached message from A: “She’s still alive.” Drink! But also WHAT? The crazy on this show just jumped straight to 11!
Aria, I have paused the screen to type this, because my cat has decided to sit on my wrists, which makes typing difficult, so forgive me if what I’m about to tell you is old news, and that you’ve already thought of it and by the time I press Play, you’ll already be doing this, BUT. I need you to do two VERY IMPORTANT THINGS.
- Call the mothereffin’ cops already. This isn’t junior high vandalism or someone threatening to tell your mommy that you’re sleeping with your English teacher. This is a person who has been KIDNAPPED. A FELONY CRIME IN ALL 50 STATES. GO TO THE COPS.
- Ditch those fugly ass earrings, child.
I mean, seriously. What ARE these?
When I press Play, Aria just stares off with fear. YOU AREN’T LISTENING TO ME ARIA. THE EARRINGS ARE STILL IN YOUR HEAD.
Show! Now it’s 10 Hours Earlier! Where is Michael Vartan? Shouldn’t he be showing up right now to save Weiss? The girls are all at Spencer’s house. She’s received a big wooden box that says “Open Or She Dies.” If A were really cool, s/he would have already killed her and sent her head in the box, Seven style. But alas, inside is a note in stereotypical magazine-cutout letters that says “You have till seven pm to save her. These are my demands.”
You know, it occurs to me, with so many magazines and papers folding, and more and more media consumption being moved to the online market, how will kidnappers and stalkers leave notes now? There will be nothing to cut letters from. I sure hope they’re saving up a stack of old Southern Livings and Bon Appetit magazines or they’re gonna be screwed.
In the box are three very creepy dolls, each of whom are wearing name necklaces matching Aria, Hanna and Spencer. The dolls can talk. Aria’s says “make Jackie go away.” Under the doll is Jackie’s upcoming article to be published in some high-falutin’ art magazine and a French-language article that Spencer claims is identical. Spencer is all, “Jackie plagiarized this!” Well, you would know, kitten. But, although Jackie is stupid enough to want to date Fitz, do they really think she’s stupid enough to plagiarize an entire article, even if it is in French? She’s an Art History PhD candidate. I’m pretty sure at least one of her advisors reads French art journals! Even if her advisors are from Hollis, the dumbest college around.
Hanna’s doll instructs her to stop the wedding. And Spencer’s? “Keep Toby safe!” Spencer puts the two and two together and gets four cut brake lines in Toby’s car. Okay, so here’s what I don’t get. Why does A want them to do things that they really want? Oh, awesome, the girls don’t get it either, so they decide to talk about it. I love it when we’re on the same page. Spencer thinks that even though they may get what they want, it’ll hurt them in the long run. Case in point: Spencer decides she’ll have to break up with Toby to keep him safe. She seems sad. I’m sad too! Spencer, without you, that hair could run wild!
ALL DOLLS ARE CREEPY.
Police Station! Three dirty girls sitting around. Aria would like to make her phone call now.
Outside, Garrett was looking for the police report about Ali’s murder. It’s ALSO missing page 5, which means, as a helpful desk sergeant points out, that every record of the physical evidence around Ali’s corpse is missing. So, like, some beetle shells and an ID bracelet, right? Otherwise SURELY someone would remember that there was something out of the ordinary and talk about it with Jerky Detective.
Aria comes outside to make her phone call. She’s made a terrible mistake and she needs . . . whoever she’s on the phone with. Probably Fitz. Garrett overhears and looks . . . ashamed?
Six hours earlier! Maybe Victor Garber will show up and torture someone for messing with his baby girl! Jackie is at her desk at Hollis. Aria comes in and silently hands Jackie the articles. Jackie’s very upset. So I guess . . . she did plagiarize. Jackie, you are so fucking dumb. Aria thinks that Jackie needs to leave Hollis, but then doesn’t really follow through on the threat. Um, she PLAGIARIZED. She DOES need to leave. How can she teach at a college and be a plagiarizer? You shouldn’t feel so bad, Aria.
Outside, Aria gets a phone call from Fitz, but she glumly lets it go to voicemail.
Commercials. There is one of those awful Tresemme commercials with Hanna and Mona that I refuse to acknowledge.
Hanna’s house, 5 hours earlier. Maybe Irina Derevko will show up and kill someone by snapping their neck! Wouldn’t it be awesome if Irina Derevko had turned out to be A? Only Irina wouldn’t pussyfoot around with half the high school BS that A does. She would have made them all kill someone they love by now and then she would have revealed that she was their mother and then she would have shot them. Because Irina Derevko is the world’s most baller mom.
Hanna does not want to ruin her dad’s wedding. Speak of the deadbeat himself, he knocks on Hanna’s door to scoot her along to the wedding. He forgives her for getting drunk at the party. Hanna tries to feel him out about the wedding, and he tells her that Isobel makes him happy. Hanna’s little face falls.
At Toby’s job, a sadly beshirted Toby is sitting with Spencer in his truck, but she’s not talking. She confesses that she lied to him earlier – Pa Hastings told her why he was at Jason’s house. She says she can’t tell him some things, and Toby gets sad. Spencer tells him he deserves someone better and then dumps him and runs away. And then she breaks down and cries in the middle of the street; it’s really very sad. Or it would be, if I hadn’t just noticed she was wearing a fucking unicorn on her sweater.
Wren sees her crying from across the street and looks concerned.
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. She’s dressing for the wedding. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, comes in and lets her know that Mike is now seeing a therapist. She apologizes for asking Aria to lie to Actor/Director Chad Lowe. Um, all’s well that ends randomly after being drawn out for six episodes, I guess?
Doorbell! It’s Jackie! She’s totally pissed. GIRL. YOU HAVE NO GROUND TO STAND ON. Frankly, you should feel lucky that just some little junior in high school found your plagiarized source material instead of, like, the Ethics Board at your college. Ugh, I hate this chick so much. Anyway, she’s all “I still love Ezra, and I’m going after him!” Then she threatens Aria that she’ll tell everyone about Aria being Fitz’d, just to hurt Aria. Jackie is stone cold Steve Austin as she simpers, “cute dress!” and leaves.
Emily. She’s in the car, driving to the church for the wedding. Her GPS tells her to make a right turn, which is weird since the church is so clearly on her left. My instincts start humming even before the music rachets up – one of my secret fears is that errant Sat Nav instructions will lead me to drive into a lake and die someday. It could happen. I don’t trust those things.
But, indeed, when Emily glances around her car, her eyes fall on her own little creepy doll sitting in the backseat. AAAHHH! She plays it – “I’m taking you to her. Go alone.” Hilariously, the GPS lady gets totally shirty as she’s all, “RIGHT TURN PLEASE.”
Commercials. Hey! Aria’s going to be in the new Guillermo Del Toro movie! Also there is that commercial for that new ABC show, Revenge. I don’t understand the premise of that show. There seems to be a girl who walks on the beach and the show may have been filmed in 1982, considering the grainy quality of the film. And . . . that’s all I got.
Show. Interrogation room. Spencer is staring bullets through the mirror at Jerky Detective. 4 hours earlier, Spencer is thanking Wren for being nice to her when she cried. He flirts with her and then totally plants one on her. God, I hope Toby isn’t spying through the window, as is his wont.
Spencer, by the way, is wearing what is possibly the best dress that any of these girls have worn all season. I want to marry this dress and talk about what our babies would look like.
Church! Hey, the last time we were here, Ian wasn’t actually being killed! Aria and Spencer are wondering where Emily is. They’re worried. So am I, girls.
Up front, Hanna and Caleb are talking when Gertie comes over to be smug some more. Hanna gets a text and goes off to check her phone. Gertie pitifully tries to hit on Caleb and he scores 100000000 points with me by complimenting her dress and then leaning in to whisper, “but you should know – it gives you back fat.” Hee!
Meanwhile, Hanna’s had a text from A. “She’s running out of air.” CALL THE COPS.
Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Emily has arrived at her destination. Which is a big barn. Inthe middle of nowhere.
Emily, I love you but you are being dumb.
Deadbeat Dad and Isobel are, like, in the middle of getting married when Hanna interrupts and asks to speak to Isobel. The crowd is all shocked as Hanna leads Isobel into the rectory. She tells Isobel about her dad’s affair with Prozzie Mom. Deadbeat Dad overhears the whole thing. Hanna tries to apologize to him, but of course he doesn’t want to hear it. Then Hanna gets a text – “437 Grover Rd. -A” Drink! Also, HOW DOES A KNOW? Is s/he bugging the church now, too?
Barn! Emily’s calling out for Annabeth Gish. She opens the barn door to see a car with the engine running. She tries to peer inside the car, which is of course when the door closes. DON’T KILL EMILY!! SHE IS TOO GOOD FOR THIS!
Man, I don’t know, now. I’m sure the Maya thing is just a red herring and A’s only picking on Emily to make everyone think it’s Maya, but still! WHY ARE YOU WEARING THOSE BOOTS, MAYA?
Police Department. Toby is there, arguing with the desk sergeant that he wants to see Spencer, who is being led out to make her phone call or get booked or something. He screams to Spencer that he loves her!! I love you, Toby, but I’d love you more if you cut your hair!
3 hours earlier! Emily is passed out on the floor of the barn when someone drags her out. She wakes up and is obviously dreaming, since a bucolic Ali is smiling down at her. Yeah, right. Like Ali ended up in Heaven. Ali tells Emily that she was always her favorite. Ali knows who A is! But she can’t tell! “Two can only keep a secret if one of them is dead,” Ali singsongs. Man, how long have they waited to trot that out? Also, does that mean that Emily’s going to realize that Ali isn’t really dead?
Then Alison kisses Emily, which I guess is enough of a shock to jolt her back to the land of the living, since she wakes up to see Spence, Aria and Hanna hovering over her. Em sits up and, yep! “She’s still alive!”
Police department. It’s Em! She comes into the interrogation room from the hospital, where the doc was giving her oxygen! Well, that was convenient, I guess. Except it doesn’t explain how they got so dirty or why they’re being interrogated by Jerky Detective. Meanwhile, Emily’s dress does her bosoms NO favors.
Outside, Spencer’s parents are trying to call their lawyer. Butthair shows up and Pa Hastings intercepts him. There’s obviously something going on and it looks like Alison had some dirt on Pa Hastings, because Butthair found something. Pa Hastings claims he’s trying to protect Butthair, but it also looks like he doesn’t want his secret out. Soo . . . Butthair is Pa Hastings’ son, yes? I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s it.
Meanwhile, Babycop!Garrett is staring at this whole thing until he sees someone approach and hisses that they shouldn’t be there!
2 hours earlier! The girls are at the barn and Emily is insisting that she wasn’t just hallucinating and that Ali is still alive. And to be fair, someone DID drag her out of there. She sees a shovel that wasn’t there before. It has a set of coordinates on it and the girls quickly figure out that Annabeth Gish has been buried alive.
The girls come to a clearing and see a little plastic straw sticking out of the ground. Then Aria gets a text: “She’s still alive, bitches. Start digging.” Drink!! They frantically, WITH A LOT OF SCREAMING, start digging, and the first thing they come across is a pair of motorcycle boots! So does that mean Maya really was a red herring? Did they just throw that in for people who’ve been wondering about the boots? I AM SO CONFUSED. Anyway, with a little more dirt dug up, they come across . . . a body? Or a statue? It’s sort of hard to tell in this light. Either way, it’s certainly not Annabeth Gish. But then the cops start swooping in with sirens. They were set up!
Police Station. Fitz shows up and everyone but Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, wonders why. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is like “I know why you’re here, and you need to stop,” talking about Spencer, of course. Fitz says he’s in love with her! And then he realizes that Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is talking about Spencer. Lucky break, Fitz! Sort of. If she is that appalled by the idea of you doing it with some girl not even related to her, she’s going to be pretty ticked when she finds out who you’re really Fitzing.
In the interrogation room, Ma Hastings is explaining that Jerky Detective is back on the case. In another interrogation room, meanwhile, Babycop!Garrett and Jenna are gleefully laughing over their perfect plan. So. . . I guess they’re A? Well, that’s one mystery solved! Garrett, apparently, can now give up his job as a cop, since he finally gained access to a “storage shed.” Then they talk a bit about how they wrote that note that Butthair found in his pocket after Ali died and I’m assuming lots of things are getting explained right now, but Jenna is doing that thing where she’s about to kiss him but is speaking like a centimeter away from his mouth and it’s freaking me out.
In the Interrogation Room of Dirty Suspects, Jerky Detective is all, “evidence doesn’t lie!” They’ve known all along what was used to kill Alison DiLaurentis! The murder weapon was, apparently, a shovel . . . the same shovel that now has all four girls’ fingerprints all over it. If this were a comedy, the largest “ruh roh” sound would have just played on the soundtrack. I supplied it for them.
Meanwhile, Garrett gives Jenna page 5 of the crime scene report that he stole from the police file. I’m guessing that page 5 listed that the shovel that killed Alison had been checked into evidence, and then Garrett stole it from evidence and removed page 5 so there was never a trace of the cops having it? I think I’m going to have to watch this episode again. I don’t think I’ve ever said that before. Jenna smugly boasts that, “she deserved to die like that!” and Babycop!Garrett looks briefly guilty before kissing her. Uh oh. Is there tension in the relationship?
Credits! A diner! And – WHOA! ANNABETH GISH IS THERE. She’s telling Gloved McEvilson that she did everything she was told to do. Gloved McEvilson hands her some sort of envelope and Annabeth Gish storms off, pissed. Then a waitress comes by and calls Gloved McEvilson “Pretty Eyes.” Ahh! WHO IS IT? Non-blind Jenna? Maya? Frank Sinatra, as I posited on Twitter? Someone else??
And that’s IT for this season, folks! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON! Okay, here are my theories, which will probably end up being wrong:
- Garrett and Jenna are obviously A, and this whole torturing of the Liars has been Jenna’s revenge for being blinded. They killed A PERSON who may have been Ali, and tried to get Butthair to think he’d done it in a drugged-out rage so that the DiLaurentis family wouldn’t push the cops to find the real killer.
- Gloved McEvilson is either Garrett or Jenna (or an as-yet-unknown third accomplice), who is trying to work some sideline scams.
- I don’t think Gloved McEvilson is Maya. She probably looked guilty about the boots because she borrowed them from her girlfriend at Gay Away camp.
- Gloved McEvilson/Jenna/Garrett found out something about Annabeth Gish that they used to blackmail her. Whatever it was, they handed it over after she faked her own kidnapping.
- I still think Butthair is a creepy stalker and gross, but probably not a murderer
- My theory is that Alison is alive, her twin was killed in her place, and that Alison is Gloved McEvilson, working with Jenna and Garrett. This explains how A manages to get around so much plus Ali was already good at spying on people plus Gloved McEvilson didn’t show up until “Alison’s” body was found, so I’m figuring that before that time, Ali couldn’t go out in public (because the cops were still searching for her), but now that she’s “dead” she can go around buying random shizz and injecting steroids into Emily’s pain cream.
What are YOUR theories? Did anything not happen on the season finale that you were expecting? Now that we know who A is, where do you think the focus will shift? And will the image of Jenna and Garrett kissing ever not be gross?
ALSO!! EXCITING! There’s going to be a PLL Halloween event and it’s going to star Ali!!! I spot a Britney Spears costume, even though the girls were like four when Brit Brit sang “Hit Me Baby One More Time”. So just remember that we’ll be back in October with a recap of that!