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Previous episode: “Monstrous Ball”
I know I can’t continue to begin every recap with unbridled rage, but considering the upper level trolling that is currently happening on this show it’s really hard not to. And yet again, every week Gossip Girl continues to be the worst.
Vintage Blair Waldorf would never approve of this continued fuckery.
The one bright spot this week is that Eleanor is back! Dan’s essay about Blair is finally published and Blair wants to make sure that Eleanor doesn’t see it. But it seems like it doesn’t matter too much because Eleanor has some choice stuff to say about Blair’s tenure as the head of Waldorf Designs.
Top three things:
- Tells Blair she’s not fooling anyone
- Mentions bandage dresses when talking about Blair’s designs. THAT IS A DISS.
- Talks about Blair’s dueling natures: “Dark, scheming and sexually inappropriate side.” This is totally true but still way harsh.
Eleanor basically tells Blair that she needs to meld her light and dark sides, to which Blair makes the comparison of her light side to Grace Kelly and dark to Grace Jones. UM does that seem vaguely racist to anyone else?
Ivy and Rufus are boring and they have found out no one is coming to their gallery opening because Lily is hosting a competing art benefit. Ivy is determined to cancel Lily’s benefit, so she buys all the art in the show and her and Rufus basically take over Lily’s benefit.
Chuck is still attempting to bring Bart down and it’s not working very well. He now has Nate helping him which also seems like not the best choice. But Nate, in an attempt to get information, gets Bart’s financial manager over with the lure of champagne and high-end call girls. To which old rich white dude says: “Cristal and Crystal, my favorite combination.” Ew. But Nate steals his phone! Chuck admits his underestimation of Nate, to which Nate is unfortunately used to. They check the phone and maybe one of the most ridiculous things ever happens on this show. They realize that Bart has hidden these illegal foreign oil financial documents in the back of a painting because THEY DID IT IN THE MOVIE TRAFFIC.
Dan is staying at Lily’s where he and Serena are being nauseating. He remembers the way Serena likes her cappuccino (which is of course the most ridiculous coffee order ever) and her love of Vespas. Serena tells Dan that “at least we have each other.” And after they are chased by the paparazzi, she compares him to Jason Bourne. I will be the judge of that. Penn Badgley, please come to my home and I will judge your shoulders accordingly. Dan takes Serena to the bar where they went on the first date and then I vomited up all the wine I drank.
Eleanor is attempting to get Blair’s scheming under control and orchestrates the Blair Waldorf Apologize Tour 2012. First up, a “light lunch” with Nelly Yuki, but as always Blair can’t stop blackmailing and Nelly rats her out to Eleanor. Eleanor tells Blair that “clearly Daniel Humphrey was right about you.” OMG. And then she demotes her. Blair confronts Dan in the street and threatens him with the return of Vanessa if he doesn’t fix things. Dan is unimpressed. Note: Vanessa is alive and well in Los Angeles. I saw her at a bar on Friday night. She was wearing a very Vanessa ensemble.
Random thought: I feel like the writers of this show must really hate Leighton Meester for some reason.
Nate is really on a roll in this episode. Chuck sends him to go find this painting and then he gives Serena surprisingly good advice about Dan that she really shouldn’t be going after him. Then Serena starts talking shit and guess who overhears?! Dan! And he had brought S chocolate covered strawberries.
This art show storyline is pretty boring, so of course the painting that has the financial documents in is the one Lily decides to auction off at the benefit to try to one up Ivy and Rufus. Ivy, Lily and Chuck all begin attempting to outbid one another on Lily’s painting. It ends up going to Rufus, but Ivy sells it to Chuck for double what she paid. Later Chuck discovers when the painting is delivered someone has taken the envelope! And guess who it was? Ivy, who discusses this on a mysterious call (Lola?) telling the person to come back, about what she found. While Lily didn’t win for now, she got the best lines in, well her and Gossip Girl.
- She calls Ivy “g*psy trash.” I immediately thought of my girl Jerri Blank.
- Gossip Girl: “Revenge is sweet especially when you have a sugar mama.”
- Lily tells Rufus: “And you remain a kept man.” DANG.
On the Blair front, she’s not going to apologize to Nelly but apologizes to Eleanor for everything. She calls herself a bad seed. And then things get sad. Blair says she doesn’t have talent. And it was the first time I’ve liked Blair again in a long time. She resigns from Waldorf Designs. In typical Blair fashion, she’s sitting on the Met steps alone (she is also wearing a headband!) when Nelly goes to gloat–casually mentioning to Blair that her mom always thought Blair had peaked in high school. This whole encounter inspires Blair because she goes to Eleanor to explain herself. She realizes that her dark side is her talent (duh) and pitches doing a line inspired by her Constance Billiard uniform for high school girls. I do really like seeing Blair and Eleanor working together.
Serena and Dan argue about their past and it’s pretty obvious they are going to have sex imminently. He accuses her of rejecting him for everyone on the UES, which is correct. And guess what, in another genius twist on season one tropes, Serena and Dan get stuck in the elevator together! They talk everything out and I was terrified that they were going to do it in the elevator, but don’t worry—that doesn’t happen, they just do it somewhere else. Dan says something about how she’s what he always wanted. Ugh. They mumble about fresh starts and then they do it because this show is the worst. Also, Serena is wearing really weird jegging pant things.
Things of Vague Interest
- Rufus’s new fancy kept man meal is pepperoni pizza and Dom.
- Lily now knows that Ivy has Cece’s skrilla.
Next week: Surprise! Chuck rejects Blair for the 349203948209 time. Serena wears some sort of sequined cleavage-baring contraption.
About the Contributor:
Kerensa Cadenas is a writer living in Los Angeles. She grew up on binge reading Sweet Valley High and watching Saved by the Bell at a very young age. Hence, she is now unable to grow out of this life-long phase. She loves terrible teen television, young adult novels and probably listens to One Direction more than she should. She also enjoys more adult things like margaritas on patios and dance parties. A Marcus Flutie/Nate Archibald man-hybrid remains her ideal.
