Previously on Reign: Claude complained about having a personal guard, but since her personal guard is Pastry Boy, she needs to STFU. Kenna made eyes at General Renaude. Conde whined a lot, and then married Queen Elizabeth by proxy, which sent Francis into a panic. Then all evidence of the proxy marriage was erased.
I’m going to assume, based on the one word show titles they’ve been going with lately, that Reign is as ready for hiatus as I am.
The Intrigue
- Kenna has sexy dreams about Renaude, set to the kind of dreamy pop music favored by my sophomore college roommate. Kenna is definitely that girl.
- Renaude reports to Francis that they’re searching the countryside for Conde. Francis is freaking out at the idea that Conde could end up King Consort to England. But he still manages to rub it to Mary that Conde betrayed her and wed her enemy, and the punishment for this treason is death. Mary pleads for Conde’s life, but I might be with Francis on this one.
- Mary goes to see Greer under cover of veil, so as to not be recognized. She’s missed Greer and wasn’t sure she wanted to see her, but Greer embraces her, and I cry. I blame the bourbon. Mary would like Greer to share any Conde gossip with her that comes into the brothel. Greer doesn’t mind, and speculates that this must mean her girls are working for the Queen of France. And the Queen of France just happens to have come with a retainer of gold.
- Narcisse and Catherine finish up some bedroom acrobatics. Catherine ruins the afterglow with some Conde plotting. Catherine claims that she’d like to know what Mary might be up to and that he should charm one of her ladies. She’s obviously fishing for Lola tidbits, but he plays innocent. She tells him castle gossip says a drunken Lola offered herself to Narcisse once, and he claims to have turned her down. THAT is the part that has Catherine suspicious, the uncharacteristic chivalry. Fair enough. She tells him that he can prove his disinterest in Lola by doing something unforgivable. THIS JUST GOT INTERESTING.
- The terrible cardinal that Leith made his deal with devil with has more work for Leith, in order to grease the hands that get him Greer’s annulment. The cardinal tells him it could take a few years to earn it. Unless, Leith would like to steal a jeweled dagger from King Francis’ map room and sell it, and take the money to the cardinal. This is so icky.
- Kenna is super awkward around Renaude since her naughty dreams. She confesses to Lola that she can’t stop thinking about him. Poor, sweet, innocent (and mother to the king’s bastard child), Lola, doesn’t see what can be done about this, since Kenna is married. But Kenna seems to be under the impression that annulments are easier to come by than the cardinal. Lola urges her to enter into a relationship with a man because it’s her own choice for a change. Which isn’t bad advice. Then Lola becomes distracted by four dudes who keep leering at her while consulting a parchment. When she confronts them, they suggest she have a servant draw her a bath. She snatches the scroll and storms away. Uh oh. Narcisse went there.
- Francis comes to tell Mary that he’s considered her plea for Conde’s life, and he’s given it thought, but he cannot allow Conde to live and go on to marry Elizabeth. He believes this is a matter of national security. Sure, tell yourself that Francis.
- Mary goes to meet Conde in the woods. Mother-effer. He swears he didn’t marry Elizabeth to hurt her. But he says there’s no proof of that, and he committed treason by loving Mary, so he knows there’s no way out for him. Mary doesn’t believe that, so she concocts a plan for him to escape as a tanner, hauling skins. I wonder why Conde can’t just shave off his beard and no one would recognize him. They swear to not meet again.
- Leith is babysitting Claude, who wants to be taken to see some unsuitable dude. Shockingly, he won’t do it. She tries to bribe him into looking the other way so she can do whatever she wants. But he’s got his errand for the cardinal, so he makes an excuse. It turns out, it was a poor excuse, and Claude catches him in the act of trying to steal the jeweled dagger. She lets him know that she can turn him in and see him hanged, or she can keep quiet and he can escort her wherever she likes and cover for her with her mother.
- Lola confronts Narcisse over the sketch of her naked in the bath, which is apparently graphically detailed. He claims to have provided the sketch over a lost bet, in which it was determined that she is not the most beautiful woman at court. BURN. He plays the complete ass, reminding Lola of all the horrible things he’s done (some of which I’d even forgotten about). Once she turns away, he looks pretty devastated at her disappointment in him. But he won Catherine’s wager.
- Conde does not make it through the checkpoint, since General Renaude is there and recognizes him. Dude just couldn’t have shaved, huh?
- Claude drags Leith to her illicit meet-up, where he waits outside the room and holds her hat box, while she has a hookup. HA! After, Claude tells her boy-toy that she’ll have Leith take them to a place where they can ice skate. How old is she?! For some reason, she’s under the delusion that she’ll eventually be able to bring her boy to court and they can be together. But he’s on the way else to something (or someone) else, and scoffs at the idea of her being lonely.
- Francis wants to be the one to tell Mary that Conde was caught and will be executed. Catherine tells him there’s nothing he can do to soften that blow. When he see Mary weeping, he knows she’s already heard the news.
- Elizabeth’s envoy is able to rescue Conde and ride away. The envoy explains that Elizabeth was anxiously waiting to inspect her new husband. When she heard about the fire, she sent the envoy back immediately to retrieve Conde. However, Elizabeth now needs to marry a king, so if Conde would just take the throne of France, then she’d love to marry him. That doesn’t sound too difficult. Just wait until Francis get another ear infection.
- Claude is being a spoiled brat to Leith, especially since she knows that he wants to leave her to see Greer. She demands that he end his relationship. He tells her why he tried to steal the dagger, and very kindly explains to her what love is, and tells her that one day she’ll find hers, but that she needs to be careful her temper doesn’t drive it away. She holds out her massive diamond earring and tells him to take care of his “personal problem” so that she never has to hear about it again. He kisses her on the head and thanks her. There’s crying again. It’s the still the bourbon’s fault.
- Catherine tells Narcisse that she’s heard he’s quite the artist, and he assures her that Lola will never speak to him again. She claims this was a test, so that she knows he can be a trusted part of her inner circle. But he knows that it was because her husband was a whore and she doesn’t trust him to not bed everyone else. He basically tells her she needs to realize that there will be people who know the real Catherine and still care about her.
- The envoy catches Conde saddling up and headed out. He’s like “thanks for the rescue, but y’all be cray.” The envoy claims this is the perfect moment to strike, since France is vulnerable with troops in Scotland, and the Protestants would rally behind Conde. As soon as Francis is dead, Conde’s claim, backed by his own army, plus the power of England behind him, assures him the throne.
- Francis and Catherine are pretty pissed with Renaude that Conde escaped. But Renaude tells them that Conde also had help before his escape, with his forged French papers. Francis can’t believe Mary would have gone this far. Catherine can acca-believe it.
- Kenna, lying in wait for Renaude, outside of Francis’ chambers, invites the general on a walk in the garden, seemingly wearing all the rhinestones EVER. But Renaude has to pack, or wash his hair, or something. He’s making a trip to inspect potential bride, but also to verify the woman’s interest. “I would never wed, unless I heard from a woman’s own lips that she desired me.” I think Kenna just swooned.
- Francis is wide-eyed crazy when he confronts Mary about Conde’s escape, and how Elizabeth could have a foothold in France and WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE. She says she’ll never see Conde again, but Francis knows he hasn’t won, since he’ll forever picture Mary and Conde naked in each other’s arms. That’s maybe something you need to work out on your own, Francis.
- Leith presents Greer with all the money from Claude’s pawned earring. Then he gets on one knee and proposes. Greer wants to know what their lives would be like if they were married. Leith see picket fences and a family. But Greer points out that life at court isn’t dependable, since he lost his manor place, and she lost her position there. She wants to invest the money in the brothel, which represents safety and independence. He wants her to choose between that life and respectability with him. She tells him she’s sorry, but she can’t give it all up. And just like that, my ship is sunk.
- Kenna shows up at Renaude’s door, telling him “I know what I want.” She basically tells him she thinks they could have future together, but she needs to take him for a test drive first. RESPECT.
- Bash, oh hey Bash, where ya been? goes to tell Mary that he’s sorry for what she and Francis are going through now. Mary confesses that she helped Conde, but it was because she felt responsible for Conde’s suffering. Bash very painfully draws the comparison between his prior relationship with Mary and hers with Conde’s. She rightfully realizes she’s the problem here. “My rank is poison.” At least you have all those jewels to comfort you.
- The envoy reports that many people have shown up to support Conde. He enters to find like 20 drinking bros who proclaim him the King of France, and chant his name. That’s not actually how it works, dudes.
- Mary goes to Francis (who’s laying indolently on his throne in an empty throne room. Like, what?) to tell him that she’s sorry she hurt him, but they’re pretty much stuck together and that they must make peace with each other in order to survive this. She begs for his forgiveness, but he doesn’t think he can give it, because Elizabeth, blah blah blah. Don’t be such a weenie, Francis.
History According to Reign
- Prince Louis of Conde never made such an obvious attempt at the French throne. If he had, he probably wouldn’t have lived long enough to father his 11 children. Prince Louis was also married at the time that his Reign alter ego was wedding Queen Elizabeth by proxy. I’m assuming our Louis is not a bigamist, as that would make him far too interesting.
Final Thoughts
- “One thing I’ll never do is risk getting on Catherine de’ Medici’s bad side.” Smart Pastry Boy.
- “If you’re going to bring another man into our bed, must it be Conde?” Who do we think Narcisse would rather it be?
- “You can’t be a married woman, a mother, and a madam.” Then what the hell is feminism even for?
- “We are king and queen, chained together as surely as prisoners in a dungeon.” #RoyaltyProblems
- Mary and her ladies talk a lot about independence. It doesn’t strike me as particularly accurate for the time, but I enjoy relating to that struggle. What about you?
Next week: Francis and Mary discuss the fact that Conde has the support of the English queen and wants to kill Francis. There’s an epic showdown on horses between Conde and Francis, with Conde telling Francis to surrender and Mary will live.
