Okay, Tributes. You’ve already been assigned your Hunger Games name through super-scientific means, but a fancy name means nothing in the Arena unless you can back that up with some gifts from your district! So grab your paper and pen, cause it’s Pop Quiz time!
You grew up:
A. in an upscale section of a bustling city.
B. near the meatpacking or textile district of a city
C. near the ocean.
D. in a secluded, wooded area.
E. above a retail shop.
F. near the power plant.
G. on a ranch.
H. on a farm (if you don’t know the difference between a ranch and a farm, you clearly didn’t grow up on either).
I. in the mountains.
J. with three eyeballs and four legs.
K. you can’t remember.
Your favorite past-time is:
A. reading Skymall.
B. assembling things.
C. hanging out on a boat.
D. wandering in the woods or hanging out in your treehouse.
E. shopping for new clothes.
F. playing with your chemistry set.
G. riding horses.
H. baking.
I. showering.
J. making objects move with your mind.
K. you don’t know or can’t remember.
If someone were going to buy you a birthday present, you’d prefer:
A. a diamond ring. the bloodier the diamond, the better!
B. a framed Rosie the Riveter poster.
C. a cruise.
D. a nice mahogany desk.
E. the new jacket you saw in last month’s Vogue.
F. the lamp from A Christmas Story.
G. a really good steak dinner.
H. a membership to the local farmer’s market co-op.
I. to pay your electricity bill for the month.
J. a proton gun.
K. you have no friends, and even if you did, they wouldn’t know what to get you, because you have no personality.
When you grow up, your goal is to:
A. become a famous designer.
B. become foreman at your factory.
C. own a yacht and sail the Seven Seas.
D. make your own paper, like Claire in The Time-Traveler’s Wife.
E. open an etsy shop of hand-sewn clothes and crafts.
F. find ways to harvest sustainable energy.
G. get your own ranch and raise lots of cows for burgers.
H. open a community garden.
I. not be dead from asbestos poisoning.
J. become a superhero and join The Justice League.
K. you have no goals in life.
If you were in the Arena, you would probably:
A. kill four other tributes in the first day, and get lots of supplies from the Cornucopia before going on a hunting spree.
B. gather supplies and then smother another Tribute with sheer muscular force.
C. find the closest body of water and stake your claim there.
D. climb to the very top of the tallest tree to get a good vantage point, and just wait everyone out.
E. rework your Tribute outfit to be more camoflaging, then hide.
F. find a place, light a fire, and try to stay warm.
G. kill every animal you come across – can never tell which ones are actually Panem spies.
H. find the best berries for eating, and save the poisonous ones for killing other people/dramatic confessions of love.
I. be a badass.
J. ha! you don’t have to go to The Games, because no one knows you exist.
K. die on the first or second day.
If You Scored:
MOSTLY As:
Congratulations, you uber-spoiled person! You’re from District 1. This means you’ve been trained as a Career most of your life, and will probably take out four or five other tributes on the first day of the Games. I hope all those luxury items you’ve created for the Capital keep you warm at night, you jerk.
MOSTLY Bs:
Congrats, you’re from District 3! Having been raised in relative wealth, you’ve done hard work at the factories most of your life. Luckily, that 9-5 shift has given you plenty of time to prepare your skills as a Tribute. You’ll probably do pretty well in the Games, until Katniss puts an arrow through your head.
MOSTLY Cs:
Ahoy there, matey! You’re from District 4! The sea-faring life is for you, and you spend most of your days competing with the crew from Deadliest Catch for most unrewarding job ever. You probably don’t get to date much, since you always smell like fish, and your only hope in the Arena is if it’s a water design. Now, go fillet me a sea bass, please.
MOSTLY Ds:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Well, I don’t know, but you probably do, since you’re from District 7, aka the lumber district. If you are a man, won’t you please consider growing a voluminous beard to match your lumberjack clothes? And, if so, won’t you then consider being my boyfriend?
MOSTLY Es:
Hey there, seamstress! You’re from District 8, the textile district, and while everyone else is busy killing each other in the Arena, you’ll be sewing something. Which is good, because I have a bridesmaid’s dress that needs taking in, so do you think you could get on that? Also, cheer up: if you survive the Games, maybe you can get an apprenticeship with Cinna!
MOSTLY Fs:
Hello, Edison, how’s the makeup gun coming along? You’re from District 9, the district that generates electricity. I’d like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for generating the power that runs my air conditioner. Unfortch, I’m not sure how well you’re going to do in the Games . . . though maybe you can team up with the Tributes from District 4 and electrocute all the other competitors.
MOSTLY Gs:
Moo! Hey there, dairy queen, you’re from District 10! You’ve grown up on a ranch all of your life, which means you know all about animal husbandry. So could you please go to the Capitol and cut the balls off President Snow? The rest of your country will thank you.
MOSTLY Hs:
Wanna start a revolution and then get your head clubbed in? Yes? Good, cause you’re District 11, and that’s your new favorite thing to do. Any district that produced Rue is a good district to be from; plus, I hear you’re wicked bakers. Can I have some fresh bread, please?
MOSTLY Is:
Well well well, if it isn’t District 12! The good news is that you’re probably BFF with Katniss, Peeta and Gale; the bad news is you’re poor as hell and, unless you’re a middle-aged alcoholic, you’re never going to win the Games. Nice knowing ya, kid! Try not to die in a mine explosion!
MOSTLY Js:
Congratulations? You’re from the mysterious and apparently non-existent District 13. After the Capital of Panem decided to drop the bomb on you, you all died . . . or did you? Some think you may be hiding out in underground caves – radiated to bits – and just waiting to take part in the uprising. Hopefully those nuclear bombs left you with some kickass superpowers, cause we’re going to need them.
MOSTLY Ks:
Congratulations! You’re from either District 2, District 5 or District 6! I have no idea what you do! But considering your districts are still fairly well off, I’m guessing that your life is pretty sweet.
If you had five different answers: OMG, I can’t help you, schzophrenic person! How dare you be well-rounded? This is a QUIZ! There’s no time for having multiple interests! Put yourself in a box and stay there!
Let us know which District you’re from (bonus if you can remember your Hunger Games name)! We need to plan our strategy for killing you embracing you as friends.
