A few weeks ago, the scientific community rose up and shouted with one voice, “No doi!” when Sarah published the results of her analysis of Ben and Noel’s romantic potential energy . Then you all clamored for more science, asking for a breakdown of Dean vs. Jess vs. Logan. And my first thought was “Pshaw. As if there’s any question!” (actually, that was my second thought. My first thought was, “Why would Logan Doucheburger even be considered?” Wait, “Pshaw” was my third thought. My second thought was, “Oh, you have to include Logan so you can have Season 6 Jess.”) And then my fourth thought was, well, give the people want they want. It’s an excuse to pull out my DVDs and make a pot of coffee for a Gilmore Girls marathon.
In other words, the FYA Science Lab is getting a serious workout these days! Onward through the fog!*
*actual quote from my HS physics teacher, who looked and sounded EXACTLY like Hank Hill. Only, not, you know, a cartoon.
Like Sarah did in her seminal analysis of Felicity, I’ll be rating the boys in various categories on a scale of 1-10, then tallying the results to get the winner. There’s absolutely no bias — this is Science! Here we go!
Personality
Dean: 2
Dean seems nice. He works hard, he’s sweet to his little sister, and he follows Rory around like a puppy. He even builds her a car for her birthday! But he’s about as interesting as a sack of hair, and just as persistently clingy, and he eventually develops a disturbing jealous streak, which negates any positive qualities in my book.
Jess: 8
Rebellious and troubled, Jess is a complete asshole at first. But he can also charm your panties off while being totally infuriating because you know the jerk is just a defensive front for a funny, irreverent, smart-as-hell guy who wants people to like him but doesn’t really know how to let them in. He knows what he wants, and he’ll stand fast to his beliefs no matter what the cost.
Logan: 6
Logan’s just an asshole. It’s not a defense, he hasn’t been seriously hurt — he just is a little rich trust fund bastard who thinks the world owes him everything. Even when he breaks off from Daddy Huntsberger to set the world on fire on his own terms, he still arrogantly expects life to go his way. But he’s actually kind of fun, if you don’t have to date him and can just take advantage of his fundage and attend his elaborate costume parties. Just don’t go rock climbing or cliff diving with him.
Looks
Dean: 2
Two words: Butt cut.
Ok, I’ll give you a couple of points because he’s tall. But that’s as far as I’m willing to go. That hair! That forehead! That apron! Oy with the poodles already.
Jess: 8
OK, again with the hair. And as much as he smokes, he can’t smell or taste all that great. But look at that devilish expression. You know he’s thinking about all the things he’s going to do to you if he gets you alone.
Logan: 7
Logan’s actually pretty cute, in that arrogant fratboy/lacrosse player kind of way. I could do without the hair gel (it’s probably a good thing I decided not to create a separate category for hair, because all these boys would have ended up with negative scores), but he has a great wicked grin and looks pretty fine in a tux.
Family
Dean: 5
Dean’s parents seem pretty nice and ordinary. They encourage him, they like Rory, he has a cute little sister. And his poor wife is nice enough, too, if a little dumb and boring (a good match for Dean-o). Sure, they’re not keen on fostering any academic dreams of Dean’s, but is he really going anywhere anyway?
Jess: 7
Jess gets a -8 for his mom, who dumps him in Stars Hollow with her brother Luke because she just can’t deal, and decides to go traipsing around on the Ren Faire circuit with that cartoon character of a man, TJ. Don’t even get me started. But he gets +15 for being related to Luke, who’s the true man of my dreams. Cynical, cranky, makes a killer cup of coffee? Hello, nurse.
Logan: 2
The Huntzberger family is nearly as bad as Jess’s mom. They’re they classic archetypal rich New England clan — wealthy, but emotionally deformed. It’s really no wonder Logan is as much a dirtbag as he is, with his father as his example. And they way they treat Rory — how does a self-professed feminist put up with the shit she shovels in Seasons 5-7?
Treatment of Rory
Dean: -995
He built her a car! +10! He comes close to Edward Cullen levels of jealous stalkery! -5! He marries someone else, then cheats on his wife and deflowers Rory! -10! Then he blames Rory for everything shitty he ever does! -1000!
Jess: 7
OK, so as hot as he is, and as much chemistry as they have in the early seasons when Rory’s dating Dean, but she’s got it bad for Jess and both guys know it, he’s actually a major dickhead when they actually get together. Forcing himself on her? Bailing on the concert? Walking away time and again, only to weasel his way back one more time? But then he makes up for it all at once when he nearly beats the crap out of Logan and gets Rory to think about the steaming pile of crap she calls her life, AND THEN walks away when she asks him to because all he wants is for her to be happy.
Logan: 1
Cheats on Rory? Check. Disregards her needs and feelings? Check. Smothers her personality with his own? Check. Plays the emotional insecurity, “I need you to make me a better man” card? Check. Also, does this LOOK like the face of a girl who’s helplessly in love?
Romantic Gestures
Dean: 8
He built her a car! That’s pretty damn sweet. Oh, and he punched out Tristan, and anyone who punches out Chad Michael Murray gets a gold star.
Jess: 10
He WROTE A DAMN BOOK just to show Rory he’d grown up and become a good man. Am I patently ignoring Season 3 Jess? Yes, yes I am.
Logan: 6
Logan’s got the bank to make with the dramatic romantic gestures, but he loses a few points for not understanding Rory enough to know that proposing to her in public, IN FRONT OF HER GRANDPARENTS? HELLO, HER WORST NIGHTMARE.
Je Ne Sais Quoi
Dean: 0
Look, I don’t care if he’s now a badass on Supernatural. He’s just so floppy and goofy (and not in an adorably endearing way). Je ne sais NON.
Jess: INFINITY
Even when he’s smashing Rory’s heart to bits, there’s just something about him that makes you want to chase him down the street yelling, “Jess, come back!” The fact that he goes on a quest to be worthy of her? SWOON.
Logan: 6
Does money talk? Maybe. I can see the attraction to Logan at first, with his secret society and his playboy catch-as-catch-can attitude. As much as I hate him — and it can be a lot — there’s still a part of me that thinks I might not kick him out for eating cookies in bed (as long as he shared those cookies, DUH).
Conclusion
Dean: -978
Dean is a great first boyfriend, for the first season. But nice only gets you so far if there’s nothing interesting behind it, and it won’t bail you out if you turn out to be a jealous cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.
Jess: 40+INFINITY
I tried to warn you! I believe my exact words were “JESS x INFINITY TO THE INFINITE POWER.”
Logan: 28
Logan, you surprised me here. I only threw you into the mix in order to address the whole picture for journalistic integrity purposes, but you actually didn’t show all that poorly, compared to Dean anyway.
Well? Agree or disagree? Can we at least all agree that Season 7 was an abomination? I thought so.
