Previous episode: “Sex, Lies and Hard Knocks High”
Y’all, this is about to be the day before my favorite day EVER. Favorite Day Eve, if you will. Why? Because at the time of this writing, I am watching my LAST EVER EPISODE of The Lying Game, and by the time you read this, it will be like it never existed. My brain’s power of forgetting is legendary, and I plan to put it to full use immediately!
Previously on The Lying Game, a bunch of stuff happened that I couldn’t be bothered to watch or remember. But it doesn’t matter, because I’ll spend most of this episode thinking about more important things, like where the hell I put my glasses, and what I’m making for dinner.
We’ve bitched all season about how boring this show is, and how nothing ever happens. Who wants to bet the show ends with nothing happening? Or at least no definitive answers? I do! I do! So let’s play a fun game of alternative endings while we read along. I’ve got to warn you, though — this show sucked away all my funny.
Worst Dressed
Worst outfit time! It’s a sister-off today:
Rich Twin’s on a bus. The bus driver is a meanie. What a sucky way to spend your birthday! Poor Twin is getting breakfast in bed with the fam. Happy birthday, teenager! We’re going to wake you up early! She gets all sappy on them, but somehow they still don’t suspect. EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW SHE HAS A TWIN SISTER. Haven’t they seen The Parent Trap? Either version?
Ethan pulls a Sam and sneaks into Poor Twin’s room to give her a birthday kiss and they have a heart-to-heart. Rich Twin’s on her way home! She’s going to tell them the truth. Noooooo!!! What about the Games Made of Lies?
Poor Twin is pacing back and forth in a nightie in front of Ethan, trying to explain herself. He’s not listening because she’s wearing sexy nightdress, and he has bonerface.
Pool. Char. Creepy Derek shows up with cheap flowers he picked out of someone’s potted plants to win her back. Char needs to eat about 25 cheeseburgers. Exposition time for Char. I wasn’t listening, but it was something about a floozy in a speakeasy. Ooh, but the cops just showed up to question Creepy Derek.
Tennis club. Nathan Petrelli is trying to stay in his kids’ good graces, but he’s wearing khakis that are WAY too tight. Mads is never going to be seen in public with him dressed in those. CopBro calls Nathan Petrelli with the scoop. Creepy Derek’s been brought in for questioning.
Grifter Boyfriend and Laurel are at the driving range. Grifter Boyfriend’s sweaty from hitting balls. Sweaty balls. Heh. Hey, has anyone had that ice cream? Does it live up to the hype? I’ve gotta confess here — I don’t think Ben and Jerry’s is all that amazing. I mean, YEAH, it’s ice cream, so I’d eat it if it was tapioca-gummy-bear flavor and I had to scrape an inch of freezer burn off the top, but whenever I’ve had it, the chocolate bits are always kind of brittle and weird. Maybe I get the wrong flavor, or get it from the wrong store. I prefer gelato anyway, or Blue Bell. Where were we? Oh, Grifter Boyfriend bails on Laurel again, with a kiss and a “trust me, Laurel.” Ha. Yeah, right.
Poor Twin shows up to the party site. There’s a cake box the size of a dress box. I want that cake! Hey, that dress isn’t half bad, Poor Twin. Too bad about the jewelry. She starts to gush about how great Mercer Parents are, and Mercer Mom lays on the trust talk thick.
Poor Twin lays more mush on Mercer Dad, then leaves. WHOA, WHAT is going on with her belt? Damn. I thought the dress was great.
Now she’s making her amends with Laurel. Sheesh, what is this, Poor Twin’s 12-step program? Beans! Spill them!
Rich Twin steps off the bus, gloating creepily about being home for her birthday. They’re going to drag this reunion out for the whole hour and end on a cliffhanger, aren’t they? Well, I’m not falling for it.
Girl, that belt and that necklace are just not working. And not working with the … what is that, brocade? Ok, I take back everything I ever said about that dress. What is it, the guest room bedspread? Poor Twin whines to Ethan about not telling the ‘rents her dark secret. Ethan tries to help, but Poor Twin heads off like a vigilante to catch Rich Twin before she opens bags and lets out cats.
Char’s slumming it at the police station trying to get Derek out of jail. Nathan Petrelli comes out and stuns her with his big words, and tells her Derek’s out. Char tells her mom off.
Nathan Petrelli wants an update on Annie Hobbs. He also has a favor, and it must be something big because he menaces the cone-of-silence blinds closed.
Rich Twin is home! And knocked up? Oh, no, she’s just wearing an unflattering top. She proceeds to say hello to the whole house, reveling in her richness. Ring ring! Generic video chat! It’s Ethan. And like a dumbass, he doesn’t know he’s talking to Rich Twin.
Ethan starts telling Rich Twin how much he loves Poor Twin. Dang, Ethan, don’t hold back. Rich Twin is upset. Obviously you don’t love her that much, Ethan, or you’d be able to tell it’s not Poor Twin. They make plans to meet at the cabin.
Rich Twin sees a picture of Poor Twin and Ethan at Homecoming and gets mad! Poor Twin is taking over her life! That ungrateful bitch!
Gah! Hot pants! And … swimwear? A bustier? Dad suggests they go home and change, but it doesn’t seem like he’s telling Laurel he disapproves of her outfit. Laurel talks to her dad in a way I’d NEVER be allowed to talk to mine
Rich Twin comes down in Poor Twin’s party dress. Mercer Mom gets excited, and Rich Twin gets weird. Pennies start the long, exhausting process of dropping.
Mads shows off her party dress. GOD. MADS. Don’t make that face — you look SIXTY. Nathan Petrelli makes fun of his son’s LA car, and Thayer figures out Nathan Petrelli was spying on him.
Back at Mercer House, Poor Twin is home in the awful red dress. She finds the picture on the floor and the fake Ethan note Rich Twin left.
It’s 6! At the cabin! Where there is meeting. Rich Twin puts the moves on Ethan, and he gets bonerface again. Then his bonerface runs into Rich Twins smirkyface, and he realizes she’s Rich Twin, not Poor Twin. Just at that moment, Poor Twin walks in and catches them in flagrante (but from the look on Ethan’s face, probably sans boner).
Catfight! Poor Twin read Rich Twin’s mail. GASP. She also used her nail polish and stretched out her favorite sweater. Ethan tries to make things better by saying Poor Twin made people like Rich Twin better.
Rich Twin starts pontificating about life stealers, and I’m wondering when she’s going to start talking about her tank of sharks with lasers on their heads.
Poor Twin looks like she’s about to poop. She just wants to be sisters, but Rich Twin won’t let her since everyone likes her better. She thinks Poor Twin did it on purpose. Oops. Poor Twin looks like she DID just poop.
At the Middle-Aged-Ladies Poolside Social Club, Char whines because Derek isn’t there to appreciate her sparkly dress. Thayer says something about the car, but I wasn’t listening because it’s time to turn the steaks, then Char hits on Thayer.
Rich Twin zoomed off in the sports car. Poor Twin is giving up, and Ethan is going to leave the Trailer of Tears for her. Poor Twin doesn’t want him to give up his amazing life to be with her, and he doesn’t want to let her go. He doesn’t even care that she pooped her pants! It isn’t enough, though, and she leaves the cabin.
Poor Twin is at the bus station with a one-way ticket to sad, and calls Lexy and misquotes an already misquoted quote, and says she’s coming home. Lexy gives her a pep talk and calls Rich Twin a crazy force of nature and tells her to go to the mattresses.
At the party, Laurel is acting obnoxious about Grifter Boyfriend. Everyone’s bitching about Rich Twin not showing up on time.
Rich Twin is speeding along, looking devious. Someone pops up in her rear view mirror! He knows what she did last summer! Then she drives into a lake. Cheers! Oh, great, I found my glasses! They were on my desk upstairs — I had to take them off before going in to get my son from his nap because he’s scared of them when he’s sleepy.
At the party, Poor Twin shows up sp’ilin’ for a fight, but is greeted by sunshine lollipops and unicorns flying out of everyone’s asses. Dances ensue. Then it’s FINALLY the best part of any party, CAKE TIME. Aaaand quickly followed by the most boring and/or embarrassing part of any party, speech time. Poor Twin is about to finally take the lid of some secrets when she sees something creeping outside! She thinks it’s Rich Twin, so she just tells everyone how much she loves them and they all poop some cupcakes and rainbows, and she runs outside. No one’s there! Except Char, who comes running out to make sure Poor Twin’s ok. Fine and dandy! Nathan Petrelli says something about Annie Hobbs, but I was too busy eating my steak to really catch it.
Rich Twin wakes up in the Drowning Death Car! Ruh-roh! Will she or won’t she?
That’s all for today, folks. The whole season was one long prequel, apparently, and it looks like when the show starts up in January, we’re STILL not going to get any lies, because it’s going farther back in time! You’ll NEVER FIND OUT whether or not Rich Twin dies! Can you live with the suspense? Pass me a champ can, and I’m sure I’ll be able to survive. What do you think will (or should) happen?
