And then there were four.
Last week’s Hateful Eight bracket voting brought an end to the campaigns of four of Rosewood’s truly terrible men: Wren “Hypocritic Oath” Kingston choked out, inevitably, in the face of Ezrugh’s mighty horror; Lyndon “Killing Cousin” James put up a good fight but ultimately could not prevail against Ian’s homegrown terror; Zach “Baker of Prey” Pastry Creep proved ultimately forgettable when matched up against the man so intrinsically awful that when grasping for a nightmare strong enough to drive Ali crazy with, Elliot, Please reached immediately for his Wilden mask; and Andrew “Man Explains Things To Liars” Campbell couldn’t even begin to keep up with the ultimate mansplainer, Ken Dad. Nice to see these creeps are equal opportunity Liar terrorizers!
BONUS fact: all the men we’re throwing into the Lake of 10,000 Masks this week have already left PLL, by death or by tantrum. Raise a glass! Never come back, dudes!
Thus, here is your new bracket:
4 of our top (bottom) 5 seeds made it to the semi-finals. Cousin Nate was seeded higher for, you know, murder, but we do not begrudge anyone for ranking Ian as the more deplorable of the two. Each one of these match-ups has been like choosing between Scylla and Charybdis, honestly! No choice is the wrong choice.
Okay, now make like Veronica Hastings’ youthful constituency and VOTE VOTE VOTE—
(1) EZRUGH “EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE” FITZ VS (5) IAN “EVERYTHING I CAN DO FITZ DID ONE BETTER” THOMAS
It’s an Ezrugh and Ian showdown. These two are going head-to-head, mano a mano, teacher creep vs. teacher creep. Yeah, that’s right: Ezrugh gets all the credit for sleeping with his students, but let us not forget that Ian was the Rosewood High field hockey coach when he decided to make out with his girlfriend’s teenaged sister while “coaching” her “privately” on her flick, roll, and slide. But hey, at least Ian didn’t use spy cams to creep on the Liars!
OH WAIT.
Damn, this is a great match up.
(2) DARREN “JUST KILL ME ALREADY” WILDEN VS (3) KENNETH “DADDY DAMNEDEST” DILAURENTIS
All men are terrible in Rosewood, but few are more terrible than the cops and the fathers—so it’s fitting that the second half our our F*cker Four showdown features the very worst of each. In one corner of the ring, it’s Darren “Cop A Feel” Wilden, who’s never met an ethical line he didn’t want to pole-vault right over. Whether it’s romancing teen girls on their summer vacation, trading police favors for sex, or regular old murder, Wilden always makes sure his sleaze shines through.
Putting up a fight in the other corner is Ken Dad DiLaurentis, here tonight representing the Actual Patriarchy. You may remember him from the way he “dealt” with his daughter’s death by forgetting about her and skipping town, or from his tendency to mansplain everyone else’s pain away. But we all know his real career-defining arc came in the transphobic mistreatment of his eldest daughter, Charlotte, who he consigned to a lifetime of emotional abuse and institutionalization.
Let the battle begin! We hope you both die.
There you have it! Just one more week until we crown our (all but inevitable) Champion Loser.
KISSES,
A(lexis, Catie, and Rosemary)
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
