Well…this week happened. We’re not entirely sure how we feel about anything right now — No, that’s not true. Rage. We feel rage. We are rage–and welcome the group debrief that’s bound to spring up in the comments.
And speaking of we — superheroine commentor Rosemary is once more joining Alexis in bringing you jokes and deconstructions (and rage), as Catie crosses these our great United States to move to her new life as a fancy West Coast medical student.
Well, at least we ASSUME she’s crossing the country, just as we ASSUME this mysterious text we got yesterday is a joke…
So one million lasagna bucks and all our gratitude to Rosemary, for stepping up yet again. WE ADORE YOU.
On to the ep.
THIS WEEK’S MVP
Toby, the only human being in Rosewood to have ever come up with a solid, smart plan to combat A’s terror.
THIS WEEK’S LVP
Save for #PoorHanna, literally every other character on the show. Every. Damn. One.
BIGGEST SURPRISE/WORST SHOCK
The fact that ANOTHER adult male in Rosewood is creeping on a Liar.
We always joke (in true pain) about this trend, so it really shouldn’t be a shock, but this twist in the Zack arc ranks as one because we honestly couldn’t believe the writers would cling to their Inappropriate Adult Males of Rosewood shtick so effing tight they’d rope a character who has zero history of anything at all skeevy (and LOTS of history interacting with teen girls on screen) into it.
You want to win a fireworks-in-the-sky, bring-out-the-cake Best Surprise some future week, PLL writers? Use this twist to shed real, point-blank, in-universe hellfire light on ALL the problematic, advantage-taking adult-teen relationships in Rosewood. Zack doesn’t get to be the only official creep just because of his engagement to Ella and Hanna’s obvious intoxicated=powerless state; Ezra and Wren take just as much–and really, a much more insidious–advantage of the Liars, with zero of the official censure so obvious from moment one of Zack’s grossness with Hanna here.
We are tired of this noise. DO BETTER.
BIGGEST NO-DUH
Off the soapbox, back to the cap. Biggest no-duh? Duh. It was all Ali’s game.
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
Radley orderly and self-protectingly good dude Eddie Lamb anonymously left Ezra a startlingly accurate Radley-patient-drawn picture of Mrs. DiLaurentis being eaten whole by a demon horde, which naturally inspired Aria to run off and join the art program sleuth for more Mrs. D conspiracy clues as a Radley volunteer. Ella got engaged to an Austrian pastry king and flew home just long enough to get Aria’s permission, but not long enough to have to do any of the messy parenting that might have been necessary immediately following the surprise return from the dead of her daughter’s middle school torturer/BFF. Emily succumbed to Stockholm Syndrome and stuffed her ears with anti-Ali-criticism cotton. Hanna got vodka-drunk and spilled her opinions w/r/t Ali on Pam Fields’ best china, and her New York guts to Sydney Swim Fan at the Brew. Aria killed Shana; Ali got attacked; and A started some precision pack-dividing work, texting Spencer, Aria, and Emily a taunting message about Hanna’s big mouth.
THIS WEEK
What Liars Summit is This?
We open on the Liars singing a weather-seasonally (to us) inappropriate/PLL-seasonally SUPER appropriate version of “What Child is This?” in the choir room, as though choral practice is an everyday part of the Liars’ lives, and not something we have literally never seen them do.
What child is this, who, laid to rest,
On Mary’s lap is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?
This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:
Haste, haste to bring Him laud,
The babe, the son of Mary.A hundred percent, Ali casts herself as the messiah-hero of this song, the Word (Lies) made flesh.
Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.
Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,
the cross be borne for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
the Babe, the Son of Mary.
Reading sheet music isn’t exactly at the top of the Liars’ current list of priorities (or abilities, in Hanna’s case), though, as they’re all focused on Alison getting very publicly interrogated by Lt. Tanner in a conveniently glass-walled solo room. Lt. Tanner should be better than this, but severe questioning of an unaccompanied minor is just how the Rosewood PD rolls, y’all, so when in Rome(wood).
The main thing Tanner wants to know is, if Ali and Shana had lost touch after childhood, and hadn’t talked once during Ali’s missing two years, then why-oh-why would Shana move to Rosewood? Surely she thought that Ali was dead, and not even Emily Fields’ reputation both in and out of the pool could lure a sane teenage girl across the country to live in a murder-filled hamlet with a random distant aunt.
Tanner, please. The question you should be asking isn’t why did SHANA move to Rosewood; it’s WHY DOES ANY TEENAGER MOVE TO ROSEWOOD? Why do their parents let them? Where are their parents, anyway? Does no one research local crime rates before moving anymore? These are important questions.
Ali is visibly distraught at Tanner’s line of questioning (the visibly is, of course, imperative to note). She thought the interview would be about her mother! Why is the Rosewood PD devoting their time on THAT investigation? Is she the only one who thinks the freak who kidnapped her went after her mom once Ali got away? Well, yes, Ali, you are. NO ONE believes that kidnapping story. Not even you.
When Ali re-joins the girls, they collectively (well, minus blotto Hanna) wonder why Tanner would make a public scene of the interrogation, but Ali knows that Tanner suspects them of having been in New York and is trying to prove a point/trip Ali up. Also trying to prove a point/trip Ali up is A, who managed somehow to go through and circled all the As on Ali’s sheet music while she was in the interrogation room–right under the Liars’ singing noses.
House Montgomery: Divided We Are Idiots
Aria actually misses this newest prAnk, as Ali’s news that Tanner might be on to them has caused her not to panic that she, the actual killer, might be tied to Shana’s death, but that #PoorEzra might be. And since he is in New York that very minute, receiving the magical bullet-wound medical follow-up that is only practiced in Manhattan, she rushes from the choir room to the much more public front steps to call her secret Adult Rosewood Male boyfriend and warn him.
Aria is (unshockingly) surprised to be interrupted from her task by the arrival of her mother, who is there not to see Aria, the daughter whose post-Ali’s-return well-being she has not bothered to give two hoots about, but rather to deliver engagement party invites to former colleagues. Classic Montgomery move there, putting the interests of your romantic life before that of your friends’ or family’s psychological health.
Anyhoot, Ella is glad she’s “running into” her own oldest child (at said child’s school, in the middle of said child’s school day), because she has something she’s been wanting to talk about. Oh, Ella! Thank goodness! Our old favorite Liar mom is returning to us! Please, continue with your showing of concern for Aria’s mental healt–
Whoops. Nevermind. Ella just wants to know if, at the engagement party, she can introduce Aria as her maid of honor.
With priority modeling like this, it is no surprise that a) Aria would be honored to do that for her mom, but also b) she can’t talk about it anymore because EZRA. ON THE PHONE. Also she can’t do the dress fitting that afternoon (WHOA, Ella, slow your wedding planning roll!) because in addition to Ezra’s Cake & Puppets show, Aria has also joined the Liars’ Show of Horrors this season and thus has clue-hunting to do at Radley. Since she can explain neither of this things to Ella, Aria peaces awkwardly, like the terrible daughter she is.
Hanna’s Lager Locker
Hanna’s zombie performance at Inexplicable Choir Practice that morning was not lost on Spencer and Emily, who beeline to her locker at the next passing period to show their empathy and support and offer Hanna a pair of strong shoulders familiar with self-destruction spirals and substance abuse to rest her weary, Ali/Mona-terrorized head on.
No, wait. That’s the show we wish we had been watching. Nope, what Spencer and Emily beeline to Hanna’s locker to do is to call her out on her “drinking problem” and her less-than-sincere tipsy phone apology to Aria (who is, for Shana reasons, the most peeved at Hanna for spilling her guts to Sydney at the Brew), in the background of which Caleb was laughing at a YouTube video of a guy eating his own beard. They basically call Hanna garbage, then tell her to get her shit together or else.
It’s grim, y’all. And that’s BEFORE Ali, switched to Contrite Solicitation mode, corners Hanna in the courtyard to sincerely apologize for her behavior at the Fields dinner the night before (“we’re all stressed, is why I ordered you to toss your hobo boyfriend to the curb and then lied to Pam Fields’ loving face for a billion hours”) and to ask if it’s alright if she crashes at Hanna’s for a few days, as her dad is taking a business trip to Westport and A won’t let her leave and she doesn’t want to stay in her house alone.
Which brings us to our biggest Season 5 question yet: WHERE IS PEPE. Ali having a large dog who doesn’t like men and can sense death was a Very Good Move, and should have made things more interesting up to now.
Our working theory? Ali’s house isn’t really empty, and her dad hasn’t really been going on a billion heartless business trips away from his was presumed-dead, now presumed-kidnapped teenaged daughter. Ali has just locked him in the basement and set Pepe to guard the door against his escape, all to more efficiently machinate whatever her endgame is in the streets of Rosewood.
So anyway, Ali needs somewhere safe to land, and this week she has chosen the Marins’. Obviously this is the very last thing that Hanna wants/can handle, but with Ali’s Contrition face turned to 11, her Gryffindor heart just can’t say no.
And all of this depressing business is after Hanna tries to get a hold of Caleb to get some lunch, only to find him groggy and barely awake and of no use to her (for food or generally) whatsoever. No friends, and no food. AWESOME.
(S)(W)im (F)an
After a morning spent riding double with Spencer on their collective high horse, Emily meets Sydney in the swim team locker room to do Hanna damage control. After name-dropping language lab, the writers really trying to convince us the girls have actual academic schedules that they actually attend, Em thanks Sydney for helping Hanna sober up, and chuckles her way through a story about Hanna being SUCH a lightweight and a total lying drunk and how she had drunk dialed Em to rambling about going back New York when gosh! Neither of them has never even been to The Big Apple! Did she invite you to New York, too, Sydney? How weird, right?
For being on a show called Pretty Little Liars, Emily sure is a terrible liar. OR IS SHE?
Not to worry, though—Sydney shrugs and says that Hanna didn’t say anything weird, about New York or otherwise, on their drunken Panini date. But speaking of spinning terrible lies, Sydney lets it slip that she wanted Em to stick around the pool so much, she convinced the team to vote Emily assistant coach! Without asking her if she’s interested in being assistant coach! Isn’t that great, Em? Emily is…ambivalent, at best. Her eyes cloud over with images of all the horrifying scenarios that A could conjure using Em’s position of authority.
Anyway, with Ezra out of the teaching picture (again), Emily has the Spring Play to write, cast, and mount. She won’t have time for any of your assistant swim coach nonsense, Sydney Swim Fan!
Training Day for ToboCop
In the House of Hastings, Spencer and Toby, who’s rockin’ a fresh new ‘do, go over the photos of Bethany’s drawings, and she’s firing questions at rapid Spencer speed. If Bethany pushed Toby’s mom off the roof and Mrs. DeLaurentis covered for her, why would Bethany turn on Mrs. D? Is A the connection? Are we all sorry to see the return of this weird and depressing storyline? Tired and frustrated and desperate for answers, Toby reveals that he enrolled in the Harrisburg Police Academy. Spencer’s reaction is our reaction: a raised eyebrow, an unsure smile, an incredulous laugh.
After being generally delightful and making us love him with the explanation that he hadn’t told Spencer about his plans until now “probably because he anticipated this warm and encouraging response?” and that he had at least hoped the promise of the uniform would be a turn-on, Toby goes on to explain that the cops in Rosewood are either bungling or corrupt (Praise be!) so he’s taking matters into his own hands. Plus, wouldn’t it be great to have someone on the inside with access to police records? Obviously, Toby hasn’t made it to a single class at Cop College yet because the first thing they teach you in Intro to Justice is that cops aren’t allowed to go around stealing confidential files for their girlfriends’ personal shitstorms. Reading, though…reading of those files you can probably (and SHOULD probably) do.
Bad at Sleuthing, Good at Honesty
Totally blowing off the wedding dress appointment with Ella, Aria reports for volunteer duty by stopping the first nurse she sees to ask super smoothly where that lovely male orderly Eddie Lamb is. Unsurprisingly (because A ran him out of town/over with a car, obvi), yesterday was Eddie’s last day. Aria continues to be the smoothest of operators, speedily demanding to know, Did he get another job? Leave a forwarding address? Draw a coded map to lead her to a pile of Bethany/Jessica clues in the basement’s mouldering doll room? But the nurse isn’t there to facilitate orderly-volunteer speed dating, and hustles Aria into the day room, which she promptly escapes…
…straight into Radley Rhonda’s room to replace Bethany’s sketchbook underneath her mattress.
Only SNAP there’s Rhonda, standing in the doorway!
Only SNAP Aria actually manufactures a pretty good excuse, one that is mostly the truth, that she was curious about what else Bethany might have drawn and wanted to take a look. She’s about to escape BACK to the day room, when Rhonda stops her to say she can forget Aria was snooping, but it will cost. What will it cost? Cheetos and root beer. And what information does that hoard earn? Well, the fact that Bethany got way more than a bag of chips, when she was still around for the rich blonde lady to sign her out all the time.
What else did Bethany get? Aria asks breathlessly. “A yellow top? Layered, like lemon buttercream on a cake? Ooh, cake. No. Focus, Montgomery. Yellow tank top? Was Bethany wearing that top the last time you saw her?” Dude. Aria. We already know Bethany was wearing that top when she was buried. And we know Jessica bought Ali’s version for her. Luckily, Rhonda shares our opinion that Aria has gone off the deep end, and lifts a silent, bitch be serious? eyebrow as she waits for Aria to calm the eff down. No, she says patiently, she doesn’t remember anything about a top, yellow or buttercream layered or anything. But she does remember Custard.
Aria is about to get lost in another dessert reverie, but catches herself in time to get Rhonda to clarify that Custard was a horse. A horse that Jessica bought. For Bethany. A horse.
Oh man. Not even SPENCER owns a horse.
Anyway, this news is a big enough kick to the senses that Aria makes a decision. And guys, we’re about to do something crazy. We are about to COMMEND AN ARIA MONTGOMERY DECISION.
She tells Rhonda the truth! She explains that Jessica was murdered and buried in her friend’s backyard, and that Bethany was buried in the exact same place, and that she and her friends need to know more about whatever connection the two might have had, to prevent a third person from possibly being murdered and buried there, too. And Rhonda, like us, is impressed.
I (Alexis) will always, always, always say, when it comes to telling a story, a character telling the truth will consistently make for more interesting conflict than if they had told a lie. And this is the second time this season Aria has been a proponent of honesty. Selective honesty, but broader honesty than just amongst her Liars. Good job, Aria. Let’s hope this move starts you on a new trend of usefulness.
Well, eventually: the nurse who had no time for Aria earlier bursts in before Rhonda can make good on Aria’s murder plot revelation, exclaiming that Rhonda is a diabetic, and what the hell did Aria think she was doing? Go back to the day room, volunteer!
The Best Lies Are the Ones You Believe Yourself
Ali is in the middle of a repeat performance of her shell-shocked kidnapping survivor story she struck out on with Pam the night before when Hanna finally gets home from dirtbag teenagering around Rosewood with her hobo ghost boyfriend. The look on Ashley’s face seems to reflect Pam’s from the night before, and we were eagerly anticipating whatever reaction Ashley Marin’s finely tuned bullshit detector would give us once Ali left the room, but then she disappointed us by being totally hoodwinked by Ali’s shaking victim performance. So hoodwinked, she digs through the cereal cabinet for a bottle of fancy bath salts she’s been saving for a special occasion (the Marin women DO NOT UNDERSTAND KITCHENS), to give to Alison to help her relax in a safe space.
Hanna–whose entire being is screaming out for somebody, anybody she loves, to help her–naturally, is disgusted, and stalks right back out to Caleb’s waiting enabler arms.
Meanwhile, Ali gets reaaaal comfortable in Hanna’s room. She burrows in, soaking in Hanna’s bath salts, wearing Hanna’s lounge clothes, building a pillow nest inside Hanna’s closet–leaving the last artfully disarrayed and on display for Ashley to have not choice but to notice when she comes up the next day, worried about why Ali didn’t go to school. “I just couldn’t,” Ali croaks, visibly (again) quavering as she stares dull-eyed out the window.
Any eye for suspicion Ashely might have yet had for Ali’s stories is official winked out by this new performance hood. Even we were confounded by how to interpret what was happening, because while we know perfectly well that Ali was not kidnapped and was never on the run from a scary man she barely escaped, she does have someone after her. And she did have to do a lot of hiding. Could it maybe be true that she really does need to sleep in closets to feel safe? That she really did hear A scraping along the Marins’ kitchen porch the night before?
But then we remembered this:
So Ali has successfully cast herself as the ultimate victim, her true story woven together so intricately with her cover story that probably even under torture she couldn’t perfectly untangle which parts are real and which aren’t. And so Ashley lets her stay home, her own conviction that the world has Done Ali Great Wrong calcifying in her soul. This conviction comes to a head when, after finally convincing Ali she should get out of the house and face the world by going out to dinner, just the two of them, a sinister hooded figure drifts through the Marins’ front door, grabbing a butcher knife just long enough to cast a menacing shadow very precisely on the hall wall for Ashley and Ali to see, before ghosting back out the kitchen porch door.
NB, Marins: Less home invasion occurs if you LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS.
Lt. Tanner, naturally, treats her interview of the two them as a criminal interrogation of Ali. And while that’s pretty gross (but, when in Rome[wood]), the fact that Ali slips so early in her lie by not taking into consideration that tile in the kitchen wouldn’t creak under a man’s weight (why would Ali, the master liar, make such a mistake?) IS pretty sketchy. Still, this interrogation of a visibly petrified Ali galvanizes Ashley to raise her mama lion hackles, calling Tanne and the whole of the Rosewood PD out for doing nothing, literally nothing, to make anyone in Rosewood—especially teenaged girls–feel safe, let alone be safe.
Which: point.
(S)(W)im (F)an, Part Deux
In her room, Emily reads a text from Aria: BIG RHONDA SPILLED THE BIG BEANS. Seriously–that is the soulless text that Aria sent about a young woman in a mental institution with diabetes whom she just bribed with root beer and Cheetos. But we digress. Sydney appears in the doorway, come to deliver the personalized Assistant Coach hoodie she ordered as a surprise for Em. She promises she’s only swim fanning over this whole assistant coach thing because she’s still the new kid, with no one to cheer her on. Her boyfriend’s in college (IS HE) and her parents aren’t around (GASP!). Her dad’s opening this string of frozen yogurt shops—Em probably saw one when she was in New York, Sydney says smoothly.
But Emily catches Sydney in her trick! “When was I in New York?” she counters, more believable than Ali DiLaurentis herself. “I said Hanna and I had NEVER been.” Emily is surprisingly adept at keeping her stories straight. Sydney mumbles an apology, blaming her presumably water-logged brain for the fumble. Meanwhile, MonA and JennA are revving up their search engines to locate new brunette swimmers with which to replace their fAiled lieutenAnt.
The Very Last Thing We Want To Write About
Is Hanna’s no good, very bad day(s). What starts with friend-shaming and slacker boyfriends, and deteriorated into a hoodwinked mom and commandeered bedroom, deteriorates further when Caleb’s solution to Hanna’s many troubles is not food–why will no one just give Hanna some food!–but a straight up bottle of whiskey. Which, following the Intelligent Rules of Drinking 101, they get started on in the car. He wants the two of them to go away together, somewhere as far away as possible from Rosewood. Japan, maybe. Or Myanmar. Because a locked down military state infamous for terrorizing its civilians would, honestly, be a step up from their lives at the moment.
Hanna can’t think about a place she can’t even spell, though, especially not without some food. So she wobbles out of the passenger seat to grab a tuna melt from the Brew. Only, the Brew closed early, so Zack could get things ready for his and Ella’s engagement party the next day.
Hanna’s wobbliness and obvious need for food wins him over, though, so he chivalrously invites her inside. Only it wasn’t chivalry that prompted him to help her. It was her short skirt and bald intoxicated weakness and the writers’ insistence on turning a character sharply, darkly left from any characterization work they’d ever put him through before. Long story short: Zack legit feels Hanna up, slimily murmuring that he can keep a secret, if she can.
And because not one person in her life is actually looking at her right now, not one person in her life sees or cares or believes what has happened to her. Caleb is too drunk on his own issues (and beer) to even notice something might have happened to her after she gets back to the car, and Emily and Spencer, well…
Victim Blaming 101, OR The Class Our Liars Skipped Because It Wasn’t Choir
Since the Liars are exclusively attending choir class this week–probably to make up for all that choir they haven’t been going to for the last five seasons–Emily and Spencer are putting away their music stands the next morning when Emily mentions that Aria got the name of the stables where Mrs. DeLaurentis took Bethany, and as the girls are hatching a plan to visit Custard the Horse, Hanna appears.
Worse than this ignominy, she was the target of Zach’s advances last night when all she’d wanted was a freaking tuna melt. Spencer, in maybe the most disappointing moment in this whole episode asks, “Are you sure you’re not reading too much into this? Were you…buzzed?” C’MON GIRLS. Literally every single one of you has been inappropriately hit on by a middle-aged man in this town, has been terrorized by any number of figures of authority, have had to turn to each other for the only system of support you can depend on, and you’re going to victim blame here? Spencer and Emily continue to tell Hanna that if she makes these sorts of claims two days before Zach’s engagement party it would be A Thing, and God forbid someone cause a scene! No one likes to cause drama in Rosewood! Hanna storms out, and I only wished she’d flipped Emily and Spencer the bird as she’d left.
Going to See a Man About A Horse
Later, Spencer and Emily arrive at the stables in Lewisburg, which is about one Instagram filter away from being Ravenswood, and meet Declan the Stable Boy. Spencer coyly asks if he gives lessons, and Declan says he doesn’t teach beginners. But oh, ho, ho, Spencer’s had eight years of English! Declan retorts he only teaches Western. Emily shifts so uneasily in the background you’d think the horses were hellspawn sharpening their fangs to tear her to shreds. None of this horse-oneupsman-ship is going anywhere, so Spencer just gets to the point: Does he remember a woman named Jessica bringing a blonde girl here to ride Custard?
Oh, there are just so many people who come through here, and that was so long ago, and maybe you girls should just run along. But if Declan thinks he can dismiss Spencer in one quick exchange, he clearly hasn’t been watching the last five seasons of Pretty Little Liars. They follow him into the stables where, pressed, he does says he recalls a rich blonde lady visiting the stables with a strange girl that wanted to ride in her slippers. But they never came back after the Bucket Incident a.k.a. that time the lady wanted the girl to call her “Aunt Jessi” and the girl had a meltdown and threw a bucket. Spencer asks if they were alone or if they ever had another blonde girl with them, but Declan is so over this conversation, and it’s about to storm, so he peaces.
Not letting a little thunder deter her, Spencer heads back into the stables where she finds a riding helmet with the initials M.H. inside. MELISSA HASTINGS! It must be because that combination of letters couldn’t possibly belong to anyone else in Lewisburg! There’s a violent crash of thunder and the horse inside the stall next to them goes absolutely bazonkers. Emily is OVER IT and tries to convince Spencer that it’s time for them to jet, but Spencer wants to check the sign-in sheet to see if Melissa’s signature is on it.
Unfortch/because A controls the weather and, apparently, horses, a gloved hand closes the gate and locks them in, just as the horse in the next stall begins to kick against the adjoining wall, splintering wood in their direction. Emily screams for help, but Spencer jumps into action, wedging a ladder between the horse’s wall and the locked gate. When the horse kicks his wall, the ladder breaks open the gate, but Spencer gets hit in the face in the chaos. As they escape the stables, Emily thanks Spencer for paying attention during Physics class (okay, not really, but she should’ve).
The Very Last Thing We Want to Write About, Part Deux
Hanna has finally realized that if she is going to get any food these days, she’s going to have to do so alone. As she is eating–in her car, in the dark, because the alternative is to go home to Alison’s manipulations–the passenger door opens and Slimy Zack slimes in. “I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page about last night,” he begins, making us hope that he has creepily entered a minor’s car without permission to apologize. But, sigh, nope. “I think we were both feeling the same vibe, yeah? So hit me up some time”…handing her his number, holding a lingering hand on her thigh.
Justifiably overwrought by the awfulness of this development, Hanna rips up the best evidence she has to show she isn’t making the Zack thing up. Then she drives–or walks? considering she is rain bedraggled when she arrives?–over to Aria’s to confront her directly about her mother’s fiancé.
Aria, of course, is keyed even tighter w/r/t anything Hanna might have to say about anything at all, and also anything having to do with the viability of the Montgomery women’s romantic choices. “YOU can choose to spiral into self-destruction if you want, Hanna, but DON’T expect me to be your best friend and support you and help you get better. YOU are the problem.”
She also interprets Hanna’s news that Zack hit on her as HANNA kissing HIM. Because, of course, that’s right where Aria’s imagination takes her when it comes to adult men interacting at all with young women.
She may be the worst person in the world right now, but the seeds of doubt are sown in Aria’s mind, at least, so when Zack is over at the Montgomery house later–that is owned and occupied by BYRON–Aria watches him suspiciously. Small victories.
Hanna? Who knows where she ends up next. Not anywhere good, probably.
Spencer (Blurrily) Sees the Light
Back at home, Spencer’s nursing a black eye when there’s a knock at the door. It’s raining and her vision’s blurred and the person at the door is in a black hoodie…Oh, thank God, it’s just Toby. WAIT. TOBY. Come on. Don’t you know better by now than to skulk around Rosewood backyards in a black hoodie? He comes inside and gives Spencer a once-over. “Hey baby, how’s the terrorized life? What’s in your eye? What’s that smell?”
That, Toby, is the smell of horse shit. And this whole episode reeks of it.
Spencer gives him the deets: Bethany didn’t like being bribed and Melissa’s helmet was at the stables. Did A plant it, or was her sister really there? Toby throws his hands in the air, tired of feeling so powerless to A, but Spencer didn’t call him to talk about A – she called him to apologize.
Ali Always Has a Plan
Spencer’s emotional revelation with Toby is interrupted by a call from Emily, who is at Alison’s house after the attack at Marin Mansion. Next we see Spencer, she’s barging into Alison’s room, where Alison’s packing a suitcase (hasn’t she learned to keep a bag packed for emergencies yet?) and Aria and Emily are watching on in baffled horror. Spencer can’t believe that A would attack their parents, too. “This isn’t the same A who got their jollies breaking into our lockers and leaving nasty notes!
And ole Black (Eyed) Beauty is right. It isn’t the same A, Ali says, because it wasn’t A at all. It was Noel Kahn. And Alison set the whole thing up.
WHAT A IS THIS
For real, A is more mysterious than normal this week, skulking through Spencer’s dark room, pulling up the cushion of Spencer’s window chair, revealing…what? A hidden compartment? Storing…well, we don’t know. The camera cut away.
NEXT WEEK
We are SO SURE that next week, we will get answers, Liars. And that the Liars will finally see the damage they have done to Hanna.
Until then, we are eternally yours,
-A(lexis) and Rosemary
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
