Oh hi, it’s you!
I can’t stop watching her face.
Recap!
AWARDS
THIS WEEK’S MVP(arent)
I feel like the optics of my choice this week, the week of the day we all should be celebrating mothers, will be, well, not great, but Rogelio’s empathetic insight into Michael’s emotional needs showed what a great father(-in-law) he has become since Jane came into his life. So, sorry all you Miami moms! Rogelio, much like his character Tiago, has swept in to take credit on an occasion that should by all rights be uniquely yours.
BEST TELENOVELA TWIST
The telenovela-inside-the-telenovela telenova crossover!
What a gift this damn show is.
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Like all of the Western Literary Canon, tbh, Classical AND Pop editions. But listing every single reference here would be like writing a second thesis, so instead let’s toast to the most FYA-adjacent VoG intrusion yet: the Awkward Mother’s Day drinking game!
Truly a narrator after our own hearts.
PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN
After Michael’s many, many conflicts of interest corrupted his already weak Sin Rostro investigation (resulting in several preventable murders at the Marbella, as well as the preventable internecine murder [“murder”] of Sin Rostro/Rose by her own stepmother, Mutter/Elena) and a mole inside the Miami PD spilled the investigation’s guts to a local reporter, Michael was put on six-month unpaid suspension, so now he is getting ready to moonlight as Rogelio’s first Chief of Personal Security, while Jane is picking up extra waitressing shifts. To try and make up the difference in income she also attempted to sell her essay-writing skills as a writing tutor for the Rich, White and Privileged, but ultimately her sense of ethics w/r/t writing a student’s college admissions essay whole cloth, and so she gave up that business before it had time to gather any steam. Unfortunately, Petra’s newly revealed twin, the hapless and naïve Anezka, overheard Jane talking about idea in the Marbella’s kitchen, and in an effort to stand up for Petra and prove to Raf that “Jane is not always being perfect,” acted on that knowledge to pose as Jane and post an ad for her unethical services in the University paper. Not that Raf was paying much (any) attention to Petra’s jealousy over Jane’s constant perfection, as he was too busy spying on and then standing up for his own newly revealed half-sibling, Derek, who showed up in Raf’s Marbella office the exact day their mother was revealed to be the 80s crimelord, Mutter, and within weeks got Raf entangled in a potential insider trading scheme. In parts not-the-Marbella, Rogelio has started up a fling with his head writer, the previously conniving Dina, with whom he has become smitten. Xo said she was cool with it, but it turns out that cool was more literal than figurative, and so things between them are, as always, awkward.
THIS WEEK
If You Binge It, Love Will Come
Back when Jane was truly Baby!Jane and Xo was almost truly Baby!Xo, the two had their very first Mother’s Day: an all-day telenovela marathon, in pajamas, noshing on Chunky Monkey. Honestly a perfect day, so it is no wonder that it became the Villanueva women’s Mother’s Day tradition, the simple poetry of it extended with Jane’s own (surprise) pregnancy.
Needless to say, their plans for Mateo’s first Mother’s Day, Marbella digs notwithstanding, is no different. That is, until an embossed linen invitation to a fancy Mother’s Day brunch hosted by Petra and her TWO BABIES flies under the door as Jane is carting baby laundry across their suite’s foyer. Endearingly, Petra did the delivery herself, a fact which Jane confirms when she opens the door and discovers her blond half-nemesis awkwardly skulking out of sight at the end of the hall. “Krishna got carried away,” Petra says (tellingly channeling Hamlet‘s protesting Player Queen) when Jane observes that this gesture is a pretty major one. “Well, we’re…sort of a family,” Petra shrugs, uttering Jane’s magic word. And so, despite her own family’s vehement, if silent, protestations from inside their suite, and despite the fact that Michael just spent all morning configuring the hotel tv to stream any telenovela they could possibly imagine, Jane promises that the Villanuevas will be there.
Sidebar: There is so much stellar framing/shot set-up in this episode. I mean, I am sure that is true in MOST episodes, but I actually noticed it multiple times this week—here, with Jane as the fulcrum between Player Queen Petra in the dark(ish) hallway in the foreground and the rest of Jane’s “real” family in the bright and airy hotel room behind, and three times later with characters who have either the moral high ground/upper hand standing over seated characters who have the moral low ground/busted hand (Prof. Donaldson next to Prof. Blake; Jane in front of Petra’s desk; Derek in front of Raf’s desk). Just ::applause emoji:: all around!
Speaking of stellar framing, Rogelio’s path to healing post-kidnapping is this week being framed by the perennial enmity/competition between him and his nemesis (his Rogemisis), Esteban Santiago, star of TV’s #1 telenovela, Ferdinand y Isabela, with which Tiago is currently crossing over. You know, for historical purposes.
After recording a barely-civil set of bits for the crossover’s Electronic Press Kit, Rogelio and Esteban face off in front of craft services, Rogelio taking the opportunity to boost his ego by showing off his new Chief of Personal Security, former star Miami PD detective Michael Cordero. Because, you know, stalkers be crazy. “Yes, I do know,” Esteban smugs, just before letting his own Chief of Personal Security, an Actual Giant, pick him up like a pampered baby and cart him off to his trailer.
I’d say this is the best bit of physical comedy this show has every produced, but one time Rogelio danced with cupcakes of his face while wearing a greenscreen leotard, so.
Everything What Is Necessary
Back at the hotel, Jane is working on her manuscript when Xo interrupts to let her know that her phone has been blowing up with messages. From whom? Unknown. Literally. Over a dozen messages from unknown numbers, all to inquire about her essay writing ad. Jane, naturally, is horrified, and not least because she’s only got two professors left overseeing her position as a TA, and one of them is the humorless, romance-hating Professor Donaldson, who hates her.
Bafflingly, the roles of ally and adversary reverse when Jane goes in to meet with them, Professor Donaldson calling her “not stupid” enough to publicly post such an egregious breaking of the school’s code of ethics at the same time as Professor Blake hems and haws over the truly insane volume of drama that follows Jane around, regardless of her intentions. “I don’t think we can have you come back as a TA next year,” Blake sighs from his seated position of underhandedness, as Donaldson about throttles him in exasperation. ME, TOO, PROF. Me, too.
Donaldson’s implied preference to not fire Jane is all Jane needs to form a new plan, and it is this: go all Jessica Jones (Jeez, girl!) and hunt down whoever commissioned the ad under her name in the first place, all in the hope that in doing so, Donaldson will go to the bat for Jane to keep her job. Honestly I can’t believe that there isn’t a union for the TAs at Jane’s school that would be the real first stop she should make, or that if there is, that she isn’t a member (I mean, I was a member of my TA union, and I am basically a delinquent sloth compared to the rule-abiding work ethic of Jane Villanueva), but vigilante lady detectives hopped up on righteous (academic) rage are all my bags of tea, so I guess I’ll let it slide.
Jane’s investigation doesn’t take long to bear fruit. Her first step was to contact the email that sent the paper the ad, which got an almost immediate reply containing the odd phrase, “everything what is necessary.” And then wouldn’t you know it, as Jane is in the backroom during her waitressing shift on the phone with Alba explaining how Mother’s Day brunch was being moved back two hours because Petra had forgotten to consult the twins’ nap schedule, Anezka outs herself with that very same odd grammar, telling Jane that she can do “everything what is necessary” for Jane’s table until Jane is finished with the call. Jane! You’ve watched SO MANY telenovelas! You should know by now that it is always the twin!!
Jane immediately heads to Petra’s office to confront her about her discovery, and while they nearly get derailed by another clash of personality/priorities/mothering style when the four-course, Cheerio-free format of the meal comes into question, Jane (standing, on the moral high ground) does get her concerns coherently across, and Petra (seated, part of the underhanded opposition, even if accidentally) does take her seriously.
Open to Many Coats
Not being taken seriously is Rogelio, who has succeeded in continuing the fling with his crush/head writer, Dina, but who has failed in getting her to take him seriously enough to even consider as an official boyfriend. How does he know? He accidentally saw when handing over her phone that her birthday is apparently coming up that weekend, and she is apparently having all her friends over for a party, neither fact which she has told Rogelio anything about.
After the shoot that afternoon, Ro confronts Dina about what he saw on her phone, and how hurt he was she didn’t want to introduce him to her friends. And despite the fact that she doesn’t owe him any excuses, the fact that her explanation is “I just don’t think you’d feel comfortable with that crowd” and not a reiteration of “our thing is just casual, OK???” shows that she’s warming to him a bit, too. Proof of this warmth expands as she relents and invites him to join—and this despite the fact that when she mentioned Ta-Nehesi Coates, Rogelio thought she was talking fashion choices.
Ro immediately calls Jane to beg for an intellectual consultation(/intervention). “Oh, like Pygmalion?” she asks. “No, like My Fair Lady,” Ro says, completely and utterly without guile.
Rogelio: “What? No, no, no, more like a My Fair Lady thing.”
GIFS from jamandstuff
Selfie.
Despite that inauspicious start, Jane agrees, and later that day (after an emergency on set regarding competing costume cod piece sizes) Jane makes good on her word. In just a single afternoon of cramming a whole new personality into his brain, Rogelio shows one reason he has been so successful as a compelling lead in so many disparate telenovelas: dude can act. Current events, literature, culture, Marina Abramovich (“not art, just bad manners”–legit critique!), the Goldfinch, and above all, no Kardashians—throw a tweed blazer and a pair of Buddy Holly frames on this guy, and you’ll have yourself a hot intellectual, Ms. Dina!
Ai, Not This Guy
Back at the Marbella (the title of Mateo’s first mixtape), Derek is back! And apparently he HAS been doing some kind of real work for the hotel all this time! Infuriatingly, that “real work” somehow involves him, the only other child to have had regular contact with Elena/Mutter since Rose “Built A Criminal Plastic Surgery Empire Right Under Your Hotelier Noses” Solano broke into the crime lord game on her own, being put in charge of future Fairwick Hotel blueprints. Seriously, Rafael? Seriously, Petra? YOU HAD ONE JOB to specifically not hand over to any even slightly shady member of your familiar with a murky past and connections to a known crimelord. ONE JOB.
Anyway, later that afternoon Derek returns to Raf’s office to resign from that one job (“job”), because, duh, he is going into the hotel business himself, with, duh, the Fairwick, which Raf will, DUH, sell him for one dollar, because DUH otherwise Derek will out him to the SEC for insider trading. GOTCHA, bro!!!!
Rafael, I feel real bad for you and all, but like…seriously. This dude! He was walking contempt and scorn! You do not hand scorn the keys to your kingdom, no matter the year of the scotch you bond over in a fancy houseboat.
So yeah, now Raf—and potentially his, and thus his three new children’s, entire legacy is ruined. Whoops. He almost confides in Jane about it when she swings by a bit later to drop Mateo off, but he’s still seated in a position of weakness, and so just keeps on ruminating over his eternal shit familial luck all by his lonesome.
That’s What She Said
Over on the crossover set, Michael’s first real day on the job has turned out to be little more than holding Rogelio’s water and snack. This does at least give him the time and energy to really, deeply ponder the mechanics of the stage fighting Rogelio and Esteban are doing with their fake swords. JK, he actually did learn some fighting skills as a legit police officer, so taking note of the weakness during a break of one of Esteban’s moves is easy. So easy that he barely even hears what he is saying. But Rogelio hears, and in hearing, realizes that he can kill one bird with two stones: bird one being the need to build Michael’s ego back up, and bird two to tear his nemesis down—both of which he does by promoting Michael to Chief of Security slash Technical Advisor.
Technical advisors, Michael’s brief research reveals, make good money, and besides, it is really fun! Is what he tells Jane when he comes “home” to the Marbella that night. And dang it, if I wasn’t so charmed by his enthusiasm saying that, and doubly charmed by the solid thirty-five minutes of hard internet research his enthusiasm drives him to so that he can do a good job the next day. It is just tippity-tapping and scrolling wikis and cascading chevalier terminology everywhere, and absolutely no way that didn’t turn Jane on so hard, right?
Ugh, so cute.
Back on set the next day, Michael dives into his new role so thoroughly that he starts calling cut without consulting the director (still the same woman as in the 1920s arc). It is very rude! Rogelio can’t crush Michael’s spirits when his gambit is only just starting to work, though, so he just takes Michael’s advice about a move that would in reality require a dagger in the free hand to counter with, and they pick up the scene right where they left off, in the middle of a volley of sexual innuendos/insults between Tiago and Ferdinand that escalate into a full-on duel. “It is not appropriate for the leader of a country to discuss the size of his sword!” Ferdinand shouts at Tiago in their telenovela, as #RegisterToVote appears on the screen of our telenovela in between their fighting figures moments before they drives forward with their blades and obscure the message.
THIS DAMN SHOW.
Anyway, not long after Jennie Snyder Urman reminds us all to exercise our rights to vote against a 1%er’s lewd midlife crisis, Michael calls cut again, this time taking issue with the fact that their climactic crossing of swords (ahem) is a weak move that is very historically inaccurate. Rogelio has no choice but to correct Michael’s ideas about who can call cut and when, and further still, to let Michael in on the biggest truth about telenovelas: technical/historical accuracy and/or believability is not exactly…ever…the priority in a telenovela. Like, ever, the VoG reminds us, flipping quickly through a meta flashback to all the most unbelievable moments in Jane’s short history. So Michael’s input IS welcome, just not in the middle of filming.
The Nose Knows
Unsurprisingly, Rogelio doesn’t know how to take his own advice. The moment he learns that Dina’s birthday is a sit-down dinner, not a cocktail hour where he can float away from any group whose topic of conversation veers too far into unfamiliar waters, he calls Jane and begs her to come along to be his intellectual wingman. She tries to demur, but Xo reassures her that she is totally fine, that knowing that Dina and Rogelio are both out means she can go to the studio to record her track without fear of running into them, and so Jane, reluctantly, agrees.
The dinner goes surprisingly well, in great part due to the fact that Rogelio is an eerily accurate stealth texter, managing to pull off wit and charm and, most importantly, uninterrupted eye contact above the table, while simultaneously communicating with Jane about each new topic of conversation underneath. It’s scary, like, legitimately.
Unfortunately, Jane’s phone autocorrects NATO to NAZI when the topic of Cuba comes up, and both Jane and Ro are so flummoxed by the error that neither thinks to course-correct in the obvious way (the problem when speaking a foreign language, losing the ability to easily correct the smallest of errors), smoothly claiming a crossed wire, and moving on. It doesn’t help that Dina’s friends are weirdly, vocally aghast at his positive mention of Nazis. Like…they think he is serious? WHO IS SERIOUS ABOUT LIKING NAZIS. Jesus, Dina, get some new friends.
Dina corners Rogelio at the bar a bit later to check in, and he comes clean about how he was so anxious to impress her friends because he likes her just so much, that he asked Jane to feed him information to make him looks smart. “Like some Cyrano thing?” Dina asks. “No, like Roxanne,” Rogelio corrects, just as guilelessly as before. Regardless, Dina is charmed by the effort he put into his scheme, and pretty soon she’s got her hand on his shoulder like they’re on some kind of real, public date.
Rogelio: “No, it was like… have you seen the movie Roxanne?”
GIFs from jamandstuff
At least he is consistent.
At her own tender reaction as she sees Dina and Ro connecting, Jane realizes that her ambivalence about this plan all episode hasn’t been on account of Xo’s feelings, but on account of her own. Ro catches her before she slips out of the restaurant, and the two have a brief, lovely heart-to-heart about her needing time before being his wingman again to let go of her own Parent Trap fantasy, and him declaring that he knows that no matter what, he knows that she is always on his side.
Back at the studio, Xo is working with the (female) audio engineer on nailing down a particularly tough high note when Esteban shows up to record some ADR. Seeing it is Xo in the booth, he comes in to try and flirt with her. “Rogelio and I aren’t together, so that won’t hurt him in the least,” Xo sighs, exasperated. Esteban doesn’t immediately leave, though—instead he settles into professional mentor mode, and drops to the ground to show her a trick Shakira taught him to use the floor as a support for getting out hard notes. It works, and Xo, like Dina, finds herself grumblingly charmed.
DRINK
After Jane explained to Petra everything that was going on with her TA prospects (probably) due to Anezka, Petra immediately went to confront her sister, thinking Jane had to be crazy. Anezka, however, comes clean immediately, as she is still convinced that not only did she she do a good, kind thing for her sister, she did a thing her sister hinted at her to do. Petra is aghast, and immediately sets Anezka straight. She wants to call Jane to apologize, but then Anezka mentions that Jane said Petra wasn’t a good mother, so Petra’s call turns into a confrontation of her own. When Jane doesn’t fully back down from her position of moral superiority, Petra looks back at Anezka and realizes that now she has a family to protect, too, and so lies on Anezka’s behalf.
This, of course, backfires, as now Jane is convinced that it is Anezka who is a lying, manipulative witch. To that end, when Anezka lets slip that “everything what is necessary” phrase during their waitressing shift the next day, Jane explodes at her, at which point Anezka starts weeping.
That next day, it’s time for brunch! And as everyone puts on their best faking happiness for brunch, VoG introduces us to the awkward moment drinking game. Thirty seconds and one “Wait until Father’s Day” quip between Rafael and Michael later, and we are all legally sloshed.
We almost get a water break when Jane finds Rafael brooding on the balcony and gets him to come clean with her about everything that happened with Derek (Petra, you are so wrong that Rafael always resorts to lying!), but then Jane relays the news to Michael when she goes in to give Mateo a bottle, and as Michael is putting pieces together about how shady Derek is and how the police need to know (remarkably, he has nothing bad to say about Raf), Petra overhears them from the hall. And then she invites them into the main room, where Rogelio is waiting with his surprise for Jane: a Villanueva EPK with everyone in Jane’s life sitting down to say just the best, most glowing things about what an amazing person and mom she is, which for some reason he thinks appropriate to screen at Petra’s brunch. Read the room, Ro! Save that press kit for a private Villanueva-only moment later!
Jane sees Petra’s sad expression when the video ends, but before she can step up to say something nice about Petra in turn, Anezka jumps in. “I am thinking that it is so beautiful, the life you have earned for your daughters, coming from nothing,” she says, and it is so heartfelt and true and cognizant of the exact thing that Petra has always hoped to achieve with all her conniving and manipulating—a family, and financial security—that Petra leaps up and wraps her sister in a hug.
The moment doesn’t last, as Anezka accidentally slips that “everything what is necessary” phrase again, and Jane can’t help but jump on it. She comes at Anezka, and Petra comes at her, and so Jane comes at Petra, and pretty soon Jane and Petra are shouting so loud, that Anezka falls into a fit and collapses to the floor.
She is not dead: she is epileptic. Obviously, they wouldn’t kill off their brand new twin device THAT quickly. Still, Jane feels terrible, and is all over apologies. Petra is about to get away with being only the wronged party for once, too, but then Anezka is wheeled out and is so worked up about her own role in this boondoggle that she insists on coming clean about Petra lying to save her, and how she did in fact write that email, and she is totally willing to write an email to Professors Bake and Donaldson admitting to such, which all combines to bring Petra and Jane back to square one.
Back in their suite, the Villanueva women finally settle into their pajamas in front of the TV (Mateo with his new Target toys in the corner) to do their Mother’s Day celebration, where the only evil twins they need worry about are celluloid.
Meanwhile, back in Petra’s suite, a freshly-showered Petra is reminding the nannies that they are peasants who do not deserve to eat before guests depart before leaving them with her TWO. BABIES. for another long night. Only, when she gets into the hall and closes the door behind her and unwraps her hair towel, we see that it’s not Petra! It’s Anezka! Doing a SOLID GOLD impression of Petra’s rich American hauteur! Dun dun DUNNNN
Square One
The next day, Jane calls her mom to confirm what we have suspected all episode: men are the worst. Professor Blake dug his heels in about Jane’s personal life being too dramatic for her to deserve to have a job she is good at, and thus, despite Anezka’s confession, she’s lost her job. Why is she telling her mom this over the phone and not IRL? Because Xo is sleeping with the Rogemisis, whose signature color is, of course, the emerald green of pure envy. “I’m proud of your for not going off the rails at the news of Dad and Dina getting together officially,” Jane tells her mom, as Esteban whispers a question about which one, between him and Ro, is better in bed.
Meanwhile, Michael and Rogelio are back to work on Tiago, where Michael is apologizing again for overstepping his bounds the day before. “Seeing the details is what made you a great detective,” Rogelio assures him. “And you will be a great detective again someday.” And then he goes off to shoot the scene where Tiago and Ferdinand are shocked to find that a drunk Columbus has sent an impostor ahead on his boats instead of him, and a detective bulb flashes on above Michael’s head. “Susanna, pick up!” he says into his phone, getting his old-new partner’s voicemail when he tries to call about how Derek was lying the whole time, and was never on the boat he told Raf he was on, which is why the GPS logs didn’t show anything suspicious.
Back at the Marbella, Petra (or is it) storms into Raf’s office to confront him about Derek’s treachery. Or, that’s what Raf thinks she is upset about. “I was dumb,” he agrees, “I shouldn’t have let Derek play me, and I definitely shouldn’t have kept the mon—” But Petra cuts him off, because it isn’t the misplaced half-brother trust she’s mad at—it’s the fact that he went to Jane about it for advice before her. “Financial crimes and blackmail? Come to me!!” Together, Petra says, they can come up with a plan to outsmart him.
And maybe they could, but Derek and his ridiculous scarves pulled off that scheme all as a Mother’s Day gift…to Mutter. On whose boat he actually was that whole time he claimed to have been adrift on his little yacht. He’s the worst! Ugh.
NEXT TIME
Well Mateo is about to turn one and Jane and Michael are a week from getting married, so, ALL THE LISTS.
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
