Greetings TVD fans! TGIF! We get to hash about the best show on television! Last week’s season opener was a doozy, with evil/martyr Stefan, birthday parties, vampire/werewolf sex, a shirtless Salvatore and the death of the juice box. I don’t know what this episode has in store for us, but I doubt it’s a lesson in low emissions and fuel economy.
If you’re new to the site, or these recaps, there’s one thing you should know:
• There is a handsome club. Its members are Damon, Stefan, and Young Harry Hamlin. Klaus is evil, but is still lobbying for a spot. Alaric is their president. Mr. President to you.
WPKW News is mourning the loss of the juice box when Elena visits Damon to tell him about Stefan’s crank call, and surprisingly, is not very affected by the death of the juice box.
At Alaric’s bachelor pad of hotness, a pounding on the door wakes the President from his fitful slumber. Shirtless President!!!! Drink!
George: In the handsome club, we always sleep with our boots on...
It’s Elena! She wants more information about Stefan and Klaus’s road trip in Tennessee! Alaric tries to tell her that it’s not safe, but gives in and spills the beans about the werepire plan.
Meanwhile in Tennessee, Klaus and Stefan are out for a hike! And Stefan’s carrying were/dead Simon Camden on his shoulders. And they find the pack of weres they were looking for! Klaus needs no introduction, since the weres obvs got to the part in the script where they learn he’s the hybrid this episode’s named after. Klaus is awesome. Drink!
At the dead mayor’s house, the dead mayor’s wife is pouring herself a morning cocktail, oh wait, it’s coffee. She doses it, I think, before serving it to Tyler. Despite his unfortunate taste in cargo shorts, Tyler can tell there’s something offish about the coffee and refuses to drink it. The dead mayor’s wife makes an ominous call.
At the Bronze, Jeremy has researched contacting the dead, because of the whole ghosts of girlfriends past thing, and asks Matt to help him. Elena is pumping Tyler for information (not that kind of pumping — that’s strictly Caroline’s territory.) Tyler tells her that there are some places that werewolves like to gather to enjoy themselves.
George: like, Burning Man… the Olive Garden…
Tyler punches in the coordinates of the Tennessee pack into her phone, and Elena asks Alaric if he wants to go for a hike in the Smoky’s.
George: (as Alaric) Is there moonshine? And do I get to take my shirt off?
Alaric is not very excited, but as President, figures he’d better lend a hand.
Back at the were campout, Simon Camden comes back to life as Klaus is tallying the advantages of being a hybrid: a were not ruled by the moon, a vampire who can walk in the sun..
George: gets 60mpg’s on the open road…
Then there’s some blood drinking, and some blood giving, and a neck snap. And Klaus is awesome. Drink!
At the Bronze, Tyler and Matt have an uncomfortable conversation about Caroline’s whereabouts, before Matt realizes that that night is a full moon, and is his awesome sweet Matty self and asks Tyler if chaining himself up is the kind of thing he needs help from another person with. We also find out that mommy sheriff has had the Bronze lace their coffee with vervain. Interesting.
At the dead mayor’s house, the doorbell rings, and hey! It’s Horn-rimmed Glasses from Heroes! HRG asks the dead mayor’s wife what she wants him to do. She doesn’t want to get her hands dirty, but as we all know, dirty deeds done dirt cheap are HRG’s stock and trade.
Elena and Alaric are hiking, and Elena tries to give him back his ring of invincibility. They spar verbally as he tries to decline accepting the ring, and it’s all very cute, but is NOT distracting me from the fact that they are trying to plant the ‘uh-oh, Alaric’s gonna die’ vibe, and if Alaric dies, SO HELP ME, CW…. I’m serious, here.
George: Word. Don’t assassinate the president.
I breathe a sigh of relief, but then I notice that Alaric has NOT put the ring on!!!! Mother of fuck. God Dammit. Mid-sentence, Elena is hurled into the water, but as Alaric turns a crossbow on the attacker, we see that Damon has followed them! Alaric is awesome. Drink! I’m watching you, CW.
Meanwhile, back at Camp Low Emissions, there’s more blood letting and drinking and neck snapping. Simon Camden is having a hard time with his transition, but Klaus is awesome. Drink! He makes Stefan laugh, but then they notice that Simon is bleeding from his eyeballs, which is not a good sign.
Elena and Damon fight about how dumb she’s being, what with going in search of Stefan and his new pack of werepires on the night of a full moon. Damon stalks into the water towards her. And I like it.
Simon is bummed about how bad he feels on account of his eyes bleeding, before taking off all teen wolf into the woods. Man Simon, your dad, the reverend, would be real sad about what your life has come to. He’d still love and accept you, and all. But he’d feel real bad. Stefan goes after him, and gets werepire bit! Then, with his super-hearing, hears Elena in the woods! Stefan asks Klaus for some of his blood to heal the bite, but Klaus says no drinks until the chores are done, so Stefan resumes his search for Simon.
Tyler confronts his mom about dosing his coffee with vervain, and NOW I get why they had the scene in the Bronze.
George: (as the dead mayor’s wife) What do you mean? I only put Scotch in my coffee…
Tyler realizes his mom doesn’t know about him and his dad being weres.
As the sun is setting in the mountains, I’m still searching Alaric’s hands for sign of a ring. Simon attacks Damon, and gets an arrow to the back and some wolfsbane in the face. That’s gotta sting.
Matt and Jeremy are going through Vicki’s things to prepare for their seance. But then Matt freaks and says he can’t do this right now. Creepy things happen with a picture of the two of them.
Back in the woods, poor Simon is all kinds of fucked, as he starts turning into a were before the moon is up. Elena realizes the best offense is running far far away, and she and Alaric and Damon leave Simon tied and chained to a tree.
Klaus eats the one human he’d been using to complete the transformation of his werepire army, but then it looks like his whole hybrid experiment has backfired, as the new werepires are kind of looking and moving more like zombies. Zomwerepires? Werepiries? Oh yeah, and they are going all stalking on him.
Running through the mountains, Elena trips and falls, and there’s a wolf! Damon distracts the wolf and they run away, and Alaric convinces Elena to keep moving. Yeah, now’s not the time to get all responsible, Elena. Maybe you’ll listen to your buddies Damon and Alaric next time before you lead them into a death trap.
Tyler leads the dead mayor’s wife into his campout dungeon and starts chaining himself up as he begins his monthly transformation and tells her about the family curse.
George: We’re all into S & M mom…
Tyler’s mom doesn’t take the news well.
In the mountains, Damon slows down, listening for the wolf… and Simon charges him! He hasn’t changed! Has he? They fight! Simon is a crazy leaper! Then Stefan punches out his heart! Drink! Then Stefan tells Damon that he’s never coming back, and that they need to give up on him, and that Damon needs to get Elena home and keep her there.
Elena and Alaric have made it back to their car, and Elena has a heart to heart with Alaric about how awesome he really is, which is the best thing she’s done all day. Yay, Elena! And the mother fucking ring is ON his finger!!!!! HALEFREAKINGLUJAH!!!! Damon joins them, and Stefan watches in the distance as they prepare to leave. Of course, Elena thinks she sees him. You’re not doing such a good job of convincing her to leave you alone, Stefan…
Matt shows up at Jeremy’s with some beer and a pile of Vicki’s belongings. Vicki appears and asks Jeremy to help her come back, but then the window breaks, and the other girl Jeremy dated who was a vampire and died and I can’t remember her name right now appears! And she tells him NOT to trust Vicki! Heebiejeebies!!!!
Stefan returns to the failed hybrid camp to find a distraught Klaus, because all of his new little kiddies turned rabid. He doesn’t understand what went wrong! He did everything right! He broke the curse, he killed the vampire, he killed the werewolf, he killed the doppelganger…. whoops. Stefan’s werepire bite is killing him, and has subsequently given him a stuffy nose. Klaus seems to be suspicious that maybe Stefan’s not telling him something, but goes ahead and gives him some blood to heal his bite. Klaus has a sad. Drink!
Elena finds Damon in her room, and he tells her that Stefan can be saved. And he’s going to help Elena bring him back! But before he does, he wants to know why she suddenly insisted on them leaving the mountains. She confesses that she does worry about him, (because she loves him a little bit, too!!!) and he tells her that before he goes off into unspeakable danger and peril to bring Stefan back, he wants her to remember how she feels about him, too! Drink! And Alaric is moving back in!
Back at Tyler’s campout cave, he wakes up to his mom crying and promising to make sure nothing happens to Caroline. She calls HRG, but HRG just smiles in his HRG way, and tells her not to worry. Zoom in on Caroline, waking up in a dungeon, and a shadow approaching the door. It’s HRG! And she says… “Daddy?” AWWWW SHITTTT!!!!!!
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