Once upon a time, back in… holy shizz, October 2017, Bring It On franchise devotees Mandy W. and FYA friend Sarah Hannah Gómez (@shgmclicious) watched the latest installment together. This is their story.
(Watch Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack on Netflix, if you so choose. (I don’t know why you would so choose.))
Mandy:
But honestly, who’s streaming this cheer competition worldwide?
Hannah:
Omg. Wow.
Mandy:
#FEMCREDIBLE.
Hannah:
Are these high schoolers? Cheering to Lady Gaga’s favorite way to have sex?
Mandy:
ALLEGEDLY? High schoolers with 8 packs? And also 30 year old faces?
Hannah:
“Shut up and cheer”. That’s obviously the tagline if this goes to theaters.
Mandy:
LOLOLOL “if this goes to theaters”.
Mandy:
Cheer for Vendetta are… hackers who cheer? Thankfully, they don’t need to obscure their abs, though. [Ed. note: “Cheer for Vendetta” was actually Hannah’s brilliance from one of our many lost false starts.]
Everyone in the Bring It On universe takes cheering so seriously.
Hannah:
Omg this is everything. Her name is Hannah and she’s afraid of carbs. MY name is Hannah and I’m afraid of gluten! This movie is about ME.
Mandy:
I almost accidentally bought gluten-free pasta today and I thought of you.
Mandy:
OMG IT’S JORDAN RODRIGUES FROM DANCE ACADEMY.
Hannah:
Wow, the Bring It On ‘verse loves to have white girls learn from “urban” people.
Mandy:
Anyway, I was freaking out bc the creeper with the camera is from Dance Academy!
Hannah:
Oh my. I need to watch that.
Mandy:
YESSS.
Hannah:
“She got an F in sex”?
Mandy:
“FEMTIMIDATION”.
Hannah:
Oh, she’s sharp. I like her. “IG”. [Ed. note: As in Instagram, which the movie pronounces like “big” without the ‘b’.] “Cheermiliated”.
Mandy:
SHE’S A CHEERLEBRITY, HANNAH.
Hannah:
Why are they so mad about a photo?
“Flicks”. Omg. I’m dying.
Mandy:
This dialogue is so painful.
Hannah:
“Get ready to use up all your data”. Mandy.
Mandy:
Like who did this?
Hannah:
The best screenwriter of all time did this.
Mandy:
We can write a better script than this.
Mandy:
VIVICA.
Hannah:
“Jesus with a high pony”.
Mandy:
What kind of fancy assed high school is this? STOP SAYING “IG”.
Hannah:
Butt selfies. Also, same question.
Mandy:
OH, typo. I thought you were talking about actual butt selfies. I was so confused; I thought we were out of sync again. [Ed. note: We had a lot of technical difficulties, most of which were omitted from this transcript.]
Mandy:
OMG OMG CULTURAL CHEER OUTFITS?
Hannah:
Wut. That is a new level of cultural appropriation that I am strangely down with? Just because it’s so hilarious? That’s awful.
Hannah:
Who is this foreign 30-year-old?
Mandy:
So they’re NOT in high school?
Hannah:
Maybe?
Mandy:
Like “all the good boys are taken”? Or are there multiple cheer squads? OMG STOP ARGUING AND START DANCING.
Hannah:
Wait are they all foreign except main girl? What are their accents?
Mandy:
Are they? I thought Blonde Hannah had an accent.
Hannah:
Where’s Sandy and Danny?
Mandy:
Yeah, what the shit is this place?
Hannah:
What the fuck, all these people have heard of them? Do they go to Cheer University? Is this Pitch Perfect?
Mandy:
This has been like 10 minutes of whining.
Don’t let anyone ever tell you you can’t do anything, because someone was paid to write this movie.
Hannah:
Wow. That was some great banter.
Mandy:
The attempts at humour are v. painful.
Hannah:
I’m looking at IMDb and can’t tell who is who name-wise, but I think our other brunette is Natalie Walsh? She was in Honey 3.
THERE WAS A HONEY 2. Apparently.
Mandy:
I KNOW. I wrote it up for FYA. Honey 2, anyway.
Hannah:
Oh I missed that. Holy shit.
Mandy:
I haven’t watched Honey 3 but it has another Dance Academy alumni.
Hannah:
But did you know there was a third? Amaze.
Mandy:
These movies have been around for 18 years, and we’re still doing ‘cheering is for girls’ jokes, btw.
Hannah:
Look at those speakers. Omg 18 years. They’re not rookies, though?
Mandy:
Yeah, they can dance.
Hannah:
Like, “we’re professionals; they’re amateurs” would make more sense?
Omg this is literally just Pitch Perfect with cheerleaders and street dancing.
Mandy:
And yet everyone is strangely coordinated.
Hannah:
Truly.
Mandy:
This isn’t even cheering anymore.
Hannah:
Was it ever?
Where did the crowd come from, by the way? How did they win?
Mandy:
I don’t even know what’s happening. Such nonsense.
Hannah:
Ooh, mysterious Asian-looking man who can disappear quietly. Like a
Mandy:
HE’S A NINJA BC ASIAN.
Hannah:
Wait for it. Ninja!
Damnit you beat me.
Hannah:
I have a question. Who is this movie for?
Mandy:
Hahahhahahaha. NO, VIVICA.
Hannah:
Like, do teenagers today know what Bring It On is and want to continue watching the franchise? Or have they not seen the original?
Mandy:
I know you’re not even getting paid for this, so WHY?
Hannah:
Or is it for us?
Vivica.
Mandy:
Omg that’s pretty awful cheer chanting.
Hannah:
I’m so sad.
Mandy:
The Clovers would not approve.
Hannah:
That was painful.
I want to invite Gabrielle Union to join our chat room right now.
Hannah:
Omg what spectator would have that view? That doesn’t even make sense.
I feel like I would be slightly okay with Vivica if this were like a vision from G-d or something, rather than an actual vlogger or whatever?
Mandy:
Yeahhh, like this whole cheerlebrity thing is so divorced from reality. Everyone in the world cares about cheering? Sure?
Also, I feel like I know no one’s names. Other than Didit, because DIDIT.
Hannah:
I’m still stuck on this massive campus that is apparently like Cheer University?
Hannah’s the blonde, Destiny’s the leader, Willow’s the black girl. Didit is the black guy because that’s totally an urban rap nickname.
Mandy:
OH RIGHT. I keep blanking on Destiny, I guess, even though they’ve said it a million times.
Mandy:
Ummm. Did Didit bend space and time? Like, was he shirtless before?
Hannah:
Probably. Black men can do that. They’re too sexual.
Mandy:
Omg Cheer for Vendetta is awful. But at least they cheer.
Hannah:
Subtle nod to the franchise title.
Mandy:
Hannah is apparently American? With an Aussie accent creeping through?
Hannah:
Yeah, nobody is American in this movie. Which is normally not a thing I’d take issue with. But it undermines the whole America vs. The World thing.
Mandy:
I know Dance Academy guy is definitely Aussie
Hannah:
Which one is Dance Academy?
Mandy:
Asian Ninja.
Mandy:
Like honestly, why do so many people care about cheer?
Hannah:
Could we at least have had some kind of backstory where Destiny did a bitchy thing to make everyone angry? Then this can be a redemption arc?
Mandy:
Yeah, people just want her to fail bc… she’s the best and needs to get knocked down a notch?
Hannah:
[paused the video]
Mandy:
Did your pizza arrive haha
Hannah:
[started playing the video] You know it.
Mandy:
But anyway, successful women need to know their place, apparently. That’s my theory, at least.
I feel like there’s a lot of luxurious hair in this ship.
Hannah:
True about women. Extra super true about hair.
Mandy:
Is she not troubled that every piece of her technology has been hacked?
Hannah:
THAT IS NOT EVEN A THING. THAT IS SUCH A WEIRD INSULT.
Mandy:
Did they blow their entire soundtrack budget on the Gaga clip at the beginning?
Hannah:
Wordddd that’s some scary NSA shit that Edward Snowden needs to shut down.
Yes, they definitely did.
Hannah:
YOU CAN’T HAVE TWO POV CHARACTERS.
Mandy:
Are they going to pair up the Black girl with the awkward white guy?
Hannah:
Willow is not allowed to have her own scenes.
Ahh, throwback to early 2000s R&B jams while people learn to dance.
Mandy:
Omg getting Julia Stiles terror flashbacks.
Hannah:
WHY CAN’T THEY EVEN PRETEND TO BE IN SCHOOL?
Mandy:
They’ve reminded us that Willow’s her best friend like 3 times.
Hannah:
How are they best friends? There is no actual setup for that.
Mandy:
BECAUSE THEY TELL US, HANNAH.
Mandy:
Ummmmm WUT.
Hannah:
Omg. Secret identity so she can’t be recognized.
Mandy:
The wig totally made me think of comic Cheryl Blossom.
Hannah:
Omg FOR SURE.
Okay, I think I figured this out. Everyone in this world IS interested in cheer. Because they actually go to Cheer U in Cheerville, on the planet Cheerth. That’s why all the cheer words.
Mandy:
I blame the original for starting the trend of cheer words that the unimaginative sequels have latched onto.
The Aussie accents are fighting to get out.
Hannah:
This is like The Maze Runner where all the actors are English.
Mandy:
OMG “FEMINIZED TO GIVE STRENGTH”?!@?!
Hannah:
Earth Mother, hold me back.
Okay, so like I really think this is a cruel setup. Actually cruel. The whole world is really cruel to Destiny.
Mandy:
Oh, I thought you were going to say Asian Ninja was part of Cheer for Vendetta.
Hannah:
And I’d be okay with it if she were actually mean or had done something mean, even inadvertently, that would make it okay for her to need to learn a lesson.
Mandy:
True. In the OG, the Toros stole from the Clovers and therefore the fall from grace.
Hannah:
it’s a family curse like Practical Magic
Hannah:
Why doesn’t he want to cheer with them? In that sad voice? Did his father die in a stampede of cheerleaders?
Mandy:
MAYBE HE’S A GHOST. THAT’S WHY HE’S A NINJA.
Hannah:
Oh girl, you are so right.
Mandy:
Although he did interact with Didit and awkward white boy.
Hannah:
Did she literally just tell her COMPUTER VIDEO DIARY that she has her technology hacked?
Mandy:
HHAHAHAHAHAH.
Hannah:
And not see the irony?
I don’t understand.
Mandy:
WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS TELLING CHEER JOKES? Shitty cheer jokes, I mean. Like did he memorize a joke book?
Hannah:
Do you remember buying those joke books as a kid and reading them cover to cover?
Mandy:
Hahahah yessss.
Hannah:
NO
Mandy:
Omg
Hannah:
NO
HOW DARE THEY
Mandy:
JFC
Hannah:
YOU DON’T GET TO STEAL THE OPENING
Mandy:
OH GGOD
Hannah:
WHAT
Mandy:
Jesus Christ
OH GOD
Hannah:
This movie is so chaste and then they sing about sex mirrors and orgasms and nipple piercings.
I don’t
AND IT’S A DREAM SEQUENCE?
Fuck this.
Mandy:
OF COURSE IT IS.
Hannah:
I’m so offended on the behalf of Kirsten Dunst and Lindsay Sloane.
Mandy:
SAME. It was so listless and just bad on all fronts.
Mandy:
Has Destiny worn a full shirt at all yet?
Hannah:
Nope.
Mandy:
Other than Vivica, there hasn’t been any ‘adult’ in the movie. LIke… no teachers, no parents. I love how she filmed all her scenes offsite, though.
Hannah:
There are a lot of movies in the world that are called bad and are actually just mediocre.
Mandy:
OMG IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN AN HOUR YET. It just feels longer bc of our technological fuckups. But also because this movie is terrible.
Hannah:
Someone pointed out to me once that actors don’t always know they’re making a bad movie because you film out of order and you’re not there if it’s not your scene, so you don’t see it until it’s all together. But they must have known this is BAD. Not mediocre. Not Glitter. Not Bring It On 2-4. This is BAD.
Mandy:
Did you watch Bring it On 4 to complete the viewing experience? At least Christina Milian can be pretty charming, vs. Destiny and her lack of personality.
Hannah:
Yeah, I’m down. Wait is this the fourth? Or fifth?
Mandy:
It’s been a while since I’ve watched it, although there might be dicey stuff since the main characters are POCs.
Hannah:
Ooh, that was dirty. “Spank her Spanx”.
Mandy:
1 – OG; 2 – College; 3 – Hayden; 4 – Christina Milian; 5 – Jets and Sharks? So 6th?
Hannah:
Okay, I’ll look into watching the Christina Milian one.
Mandy:
Jets and Sharks was extra dumb for all the rollercoaster shit.
Hannah:
Hannah is really trying hard to be Karen from Mean Girls. Props for trying.
Do you think Willow is the Truth? Or Hannah? Or that other girl?
Sweet car. Sweeter mural.
Mandy:
I’ll wager Hannah, since the dumb blonde thing could be a front.
Hannah:
How does that tag work?
I’ll take your Hannah bet and say it’s nameless girl.
Mandy:
What is this music?
Hannah:
Is it Usher? Or someone trying really hard to be Usher?
Mandy:
Off brand Usher. (I watch with subtitles so it’s extra terrible that I’m seeing the lyrics.)
Hannah:
OF COURSE it’s legal. It’s Cheerverse. It’s cheergal.
Mandy:
So chaste and proper. Other than the sequence about tits and climaxes.
Ugh, I just remembered that Usher is a garbage human.
CUT THE BACKGROUND MUSIC. “I painted an angel on a stone cold wall”?? Even the writing for the songs is bad.
Mandy:
WHAT A SHOCK, her video diary got hacked.
Hannah:
Omg this hack strains believability even for Hollywood’s usual not understanding how technology works
Mandy:
Does this diner exclusively serve cheerleaders?
Hannah:
Yes
Omg they started their own squad, right?
Mandy:
They ARE The Truth?
Hannah:
Oh wow. Didn’t see that coming
Mandy:
So we’re both right?
Hannah:
Maybe? Because they’re fake Truth? Oh wait.
Mandy:
I liked Fake Truth better.
Hannah:
Ooh called it. How is this revelation coming with 36 minutes left?
What are these accents? Where are these people from?
“Flavored Lip Smackers”. THEY ARE ALL FLAVORED. THAT’S WHY THEY’RE LIP SMACKERS.
Mandy:
But like honestly, these assholes hacked Destiny’s everything just to teach her a lesson? That’s like some passive aggressive bullshit.
Hannah:
Maybe I would be more on Hannah’s side IF DESTINY HAD A FUCKING BACK STORY.
Mandy:
JUST COMMUNICATE. IN VAGUELY AUSTRALIAN ACCENTS.
So they’ve had to recruit a new squad twice? This movie is recycling its own plots?
Hannah:
FIVE DOLLARS ON DOUBLE AGENT.
Mandy:
YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE YOUR OWN ROUTINE. HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S AWESOME?
Hannah:
Wow, right there was a great moment to discuss “talking white” microaggressions.
CHEER GODDESS.
Mandy:
Ummmm sure.
Hannah:
I just decided that after the dance movie and cheer movie and a cappella movie craze is over, I want graffiti movies
Mandy:
Oooooh. That reminds me of a graffiti book, Graffiti Moon. (Although it’s been years since I’ve read it.)
THERE’S STILL HALF AN HOUR LEFT, GOD HELP US.
Hannah:
Destiny is making it really hard for me to be gracious about her pain.
Mandy:
Also, why does success hinge on a mediocre white dude?
Hannah:
Reverse sexism. These girls are obsessed with female power and they just undermined it.
“Dig”. “Flick”.
You were right about Cheryl Blossom. This movie is a comic book.
Fake Usher again.
Mandy:
Fake Usher might be singing original songs for this movie, I feel?
Hannah:
I think you’re right.
Omg we are so on point. We should do parties like this all the time.
Mandy:
Especially since we’ve figured out the tech now!
Is Honey 3 on Netflix? [Ed. note: Sadly — fortunately? — it isn’t.]
Mandy:
I really wonder how many days Vivica spent filming this. Or just a lot of outfits in the same day.
Hannah:
I really wish Cheer Goddess were a vision! Not an actual person!
Oh I love that you were right about Vivica. She took the paycheck but made sure she wouldn’t have to actually be anywhere near these people.
Mandy:
OH GOD FAKE USHER.
Hannah:
Too soon.
She’s wearing a non midriff top!
Mandy:
No, it’s the same song as the first one!
Hannah:
It’s the same song!
Mandy:
That’s some shitty grafitti.
Hannah:
Wait i missed it. I have been googling bits of these lyrics (hence missing the graffiti). The internet doesn’t even know them, that’s how original they are.
Oh fuck that graffiti.
Hannah:
Do they not know about time zones? “Tasty piece of spirit candy”. Also isn’t cheerleading a distinctly American genre?
Mandy:
I like how these international squads are all just in nondescript warehouses.
Hannah:
Those are some hella dated costumes in the UK.
Mandy:
What happened to our cultural appropriation team?
Hannah:
Why are they Titans? Why is their name not in German?
Mandy:
…. was it all just European companies plus Singapore? What happened to the South African team?
Hannah:
Yes and probably cut it when they realized it was racist but forgot to cut all the scenes.
Mandy:
NO, COMMIT TO YOUR RACISM.
Hannah:
Also, every time I see The Truth I think of PREPARE FOR TOTAL DOMINATION DOMINATION DOMINATION.
Mandy:
SPIRIT FINGERS.
Hannah:
I thought the Truth wasn’t going to compete. Wasn’t that a thing?
Mandy:
Who even knows or cares?
Still 15 more minutes omg.
Hannah:
That girl was standing outside of the line.
This movie is so long.
Mandy:
IT’S LIKE 90 MINUTES.
Hannah:
I’m actually getting excited about the fact that I have to go outside and run a mile after this.
‘Proof that we know cheerleading terms by saying a bunch of garbled gymanstics things all at once’ bingo card filled!
There are a lot of iffy catches here.
Mandy:
Hannah kind of reminds me of Alison Sweeney/Biggest Loser host, and I think the hair here helped me spot the resemblance.
Hannah:
Ohhhmg you’re so right.
Mandy:
I’m like not even paying attention to the dancing anymore.
Hannah:
Weak line, Vivica. “Cheer peers”.
He’s gonna throw up in the middle of the routine, isn’t he? Oh nvm.
Mandy:
Oh, Vivica. I hope the bulk of the budget went to her and also the Gaga song.
Hannah:
He just needed a kiss.
Mandy:
UGH. Instead of this sham of a romance, the movie could have developed Destiny more or her friendship with WIllow?
Hannah:
Didja catch that?
Mandy:
OH it was South Africa! But also, why did Canada not field a team?
Hannah:
Because half the actors on the American team are Canadian, like Destiny.
Mandy:
It’s at least more popular here than probably it is in Singapore.
Mandy:
OMG.
Hannah:
Whoa, that backdrop.
Mandy:
They have scaffolding.
Hannah:
It’s like when Buffy takes everyone to run from the Turok Han.
Look at those urban costumes they have on.
Mandy:
FAKE USHER.
Hannah:
IT’S THE SAME GODDAMN SONG. THERE ARE ONLY TWO SONGS.
Mandy:
TWO SONGS ARE ALL YOU NEED. One slow and romantic, one fast jam.
Mandy:
OMG HER GRAFITTI. IS ON THE TV.
Hannah:
Can’t. I can’t, Mandy.
Mandy:
FEMCREDIBLE.
Hannah:
8 minutes to go.
Mandy:
OMGGGGG THE NIGHTMARE WILL NEVER END.
Hannah:
That was a really adorable cute moment tbh. Those smiles seemed really genuine.
Mandy:
Genuinely happy that they’re almost done the movie. It’s like you said; they had to have known this was no bueno. I mean, the Bring It On 6 part may have been a hint, but like…
Hannah:
Do you think Cheer Goddess was originally a different actress, but then that person got the flu or whatever, and Vivica was like “UGH FINE”?
Mandy:
It could have honestly been ANYBODY.
Hannah:
“But only if I can do it all from my actual palace where I live and do it via Skype”.
Mandy:
Hahahah.
Hannah:
“Spirit children”
Mandy:
“SPIRIT CHILDREN”.
Hannah:
This was filmed six weeks later. Her hair.
Mandy:
New outfit. THE TASSELS.
Hannah:
What?
Mandy:
OLYMPIC GAMES?
Hannah:
IS CHEERLEADING AN OLYMPIC SPORT? In the world?
Mandy:
I think no?
Hannah:
I mean, cheerleading like this honestly should be. But.
Mandy:
This movie is trying to rewrite reality.
Hannah:
Did the other teams really think they had a chance though? This was like a showcase meet and it was really between the Truth and the Rebels.
Mandy:
What the fuck are these lyrics? “We drowned the ship?”
Hannah:
What. What was that dedication? Are those real? Are they real teams? Is that why they did this?
Mandy:
I thiiiiink?
Hannah:
To say thanks to the franchise fans. Omg Mandy.
Mandy:
Guess this answers your ‘who is this for’?
Hannah:
Holy shirt. Wow.
Mandy:
Like they should have just included the actual real teams in the movie then. But that probably means they would have been paid.
Hannah:
This movie obviously had a lot of money. It’s just that they used it on Gaga, Vivica, and the fancy campus/dorm/whatever the fuck.
I’m so glad I got to share this with you.
Mandy:
Saaaaame. I’m glad I didn’t do this alone.
OH GOD THE FAKE USHER SONG AGAIN. Wait, I’m actually curious for a song credit on this shit. Watching the credits but putting on mute first.
Hannah:
I don’t believe for a second there were this many songs.
MJ Ultra. They are pretending that all these remixes are different songs. THAT’S CHEATING.
Mandy:
HAHAHAH “Invincible Part 1”, “Invincible Part 3: The Legacy Continues”.
Hannah:
That was an amazing thing. That’s the graffiti franchise. We should write the script for the first one.
Mandy:
It can’t be any worse than this.
Hannah:
It’ll be better. Because we’re writing it.
We could probably write a hilarious book together for real though. It’ll be a YA about two long-distance friends who watch shitty cheer movies together.
