I think I’ve just realized that the Only Coffee Shop in Rosewood is called “Rear Window Brew.” Jesus, Rosewood is like the town equivalent of an incoming college freshman who won’t shut his yap about film noir. I don’t understand why this show continues to push itself as a noir teen show when there are no noir aspects whatsoever and the teens dress like my dotty great-aunt Biss. (Not a complaint, by the way, since I gave up complaining for Lent. Just a statement of fact. “Not a complaint; just a statement of fact” has been my new go-to catchphrase for just about everything this past week)
The girls are rehashing the elevator accident over a cup o’ Jimmy Stewart, and Aria proves she’s finally reading the comments that you keen-eyed FYAers write when she suggests that they start taking photos of everything with their phone. Yes! Now that we know Aria is reading, what other suggestions do we have for her? Make some in the comments!
Spencer is a little bored with this conversation, because she’s reached the “not caring” phase of her downward spiral. She tells the girls about yelling at Mona but her admission is interrupted by Jerk Detective! Here to be totally unprofessional and jerky! How new and unusual for him! Hanna lets slip that they know about his connection with Aly and CeCe. So I’m guessing that CeCe will be dying soon.
On the Only Street in Rosewood, Prozzie Mom and Hanna are pede-conferencing in their blazers, which is so common for mother/daughter combos, when they see Jerk Detective force CeCe into his car. And then he gives Hanna the stink eye. Prozzie Mom wants to know what the hell is going on, but I’m too distracted by Hanna’s GIANT statement ring. I love statement rings but that thing is like the size of her head. Prozzie Mom does not want Hanna associating with CeCe. Prozzie Mom is pretty smart.
Spencer’s pulling a Ferris Bueller, and considering Melissa has CUT HER HAIR INTO AN AWFUL BOB, she’s perfect to play the part of Jennifer Grey.
Apparently Butthair (aka Jason) just escaped to a friend’s house far away. I suppose he didn’t care so much about Emily’s life. Hanna asks Emily whether Paige is to be trusted, and confesses about Caleb’s Uncle Father stealing money from the church.
Aria is walking into Fitz’s apartment while leaving Wes a voicemail when, hey! Fitz is back! Which PLL helpfully points out with a hashtag. Well, better than that awful #LiberalTips2AvoidRape shit that was trending today. (My favorite tip to avoid rape was arming all women, because “all we need are armed, courageous women to stop rape.” Well, no, actually all we need to stop rape is for rapists to stop raping people. Also, I’m armed, and courageous, but if I had to shoot a would-be rapist, I’d just be pissed off and sad. Also also, fuck you, Twitter.) Fitz is all, “I feel bad, because this isn’t what you signed up for!” Yeah. She just signed up to date her mid-twenties teacher illegally, not to have to deal with his sexual or romantic past infringe on her fairy tale! Anyway, I guess Aria is totally down with being junior stepmom to the Fitzspring, but everything is really strained.
School!! Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, walks into English class to see Downward Spiral Spencer, hanging out. She attempts to break on through to the sane side of Spencer, but that’s never going to happen. Outside in the halls, Spencer sees Aria and flees (my reaction too, Spence) and Aria follows her into a bathroom so that she can tell Spencer to get on over her crazy and be a better friend.
Hey, it’s Paige! She’s looking up directions for the Rosewood Costume Shop on her fancy car’s GPS when Emily and Hanna find her and climb on in. Which is awkward, because the cute lesbian who runs the costume shop doesn’t wear a bra and is clearly mad that she doesn’t get to flirt full force with Paige. Emily sneaks off to do a little reconnaissance while Hanna distracts her. But Emily finds the purchasing info on the computer using a very complicated touch screen menu!
At Jimmy Stewart’s Coffee Shop, Aria’s studying when Mrs. Fitzgerald and her football helmet hair come over to be passive-aggressively nice to Aria. Aria hilariously tells Mrs. Fitz that her parents would respect her enough to “involve her in decisions” – since all of WHEN, Aria? When your dad had an affair and then shipped you off to Iceland? Or when your mom and dad got divorced the first or second time? Or when your dad started dating a CRAZY person who drugged you? Mrs. Fitz gets some of her own back by mentioning how devoted Fitz is going to be to his baby and Alex Mack (aka Maggie).
Emily is a little worried about Paige and her intentions towards the shop attendant but Hanna tries to reassure her by saying that the shop attendant has to be heterosexual – “I mean, she didn’t even look at me!” I love Hanna so much.
At The Fanciest Restaurant in Rosewood, Prozzie Mom is eating alone when she is sent a GIANT glass of wine by Jerk Detective, at the bar. Seriously, it’s like the size of her head. I have the screen frozen as I type this and, I mean, I know about foreground and perspective and everything, but literally that glass of wine is bigger than one of Prozzie Mom’s boobs. I want to go there. To the wine, I mean. I have no opinion on Prozzie Mom’s boobs. Jerk Detective wants to make amends with Prozzie Mom and doesn’t want Hanna repeating her accusations about Jerk Detective and Ali. He hilariously says that teenagers aren’t aware of the ramifications of what they say – which explains why he was potentially impregnating a teenager two years ago?
At Hitchcock’s Caffeine Emporium, Wren lays his heart bare to Spencer. And she magically becomes sane again with a little male attention! They go to dinner, even though she still hasn’t brushed her hair, and Spencer delights him with stories of things she stole as a child and buried in her yard. And then he tries to kiss her but she shies away but then they’re kissing and the music swells and someone is watching but now, all of a sudden, I am invested in this relationship. Because all it takes for me to be happy is for Spencer to be happy. I wonder what would happen if Spencer dated Caleb or Fitz? My mind would probably explode.
Aria shows up at Fitz and he’s arguing with Mrs. Fitz, who has brought over a present for his love child. He makes Aria stay while he yells at and berates his mother. Ugh, yankees. (Just kiddin’, folks!) Aria’s panties get all wet because now she’s the most important lady in Fitz’s life again. Aria is also wearing the world’s shiniest pants. I can see my reflection in them. They bond, but then Alex Mack calls, because apparently Mrs. Fitz is kicking Maggie out of her condo!
Paige has found out that Em stole the information at the shop (getting Shana in trouble) and Em is partially honest about things? And then Paige tells Em that she and Shana dated for a few weeks the past summer. And then they make out. Paige, I wish I could trust you, but you enjoy sexually assaulting this person you claim to love, sooo.
Hanna’s at home and not answering her call from Prozzie Mom who really wants to talk about her encounter with Jerk Detective. I wish Hanna would answer the phone, particularly since Jerk Detective is FOLLOWING PROZZIE MOM IN HIS CAR. And he pulls her over for drunk driving (even though she never drank the wine he bought her). His car camera records her making her step out of the car . . . and then her mowing him down after he pulls a gun on her and tells her that either she shuts Hanna up or he will. OH, PROZZIE MOM.
At Spencer’s, Melissa and her terrible bob are waiting up for Spencer and her unwashed hair. And she totally knows that Spencer has been nuzzling Wren!! Upstairs, Spencer takes a shower in her GIANT WALK IN STEAM SHOWER AND SAUNA WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? No wonder Toby always wanted to shower there! Spencer, I know you have been sad and all, but are you telling me that you were sad to take a shower in your GIANT WALK IN STEM SHOWER? Also, a shadowy figure (Toby? Mona? Melissa?) is walking around upstairs. And then Spencer gets locked in, of course, while the computer running the steam shower makes the temperature climb. Spencer is almost passed out when Aria storms in and saves her. Yeah, sure. (But also! Way to steal a plot point from last week’s Girls, show.)
Emily goes over to CeCe’s house to see her packing in a hurry. She tells Emily that she has long suspected Jerk Detective, but also knows that Ali was a champion liar. CeCe also says that she was asked by Melissa to ask Ali about the NAT videos on the night of her disappearance. And that Melissa took the photo of she, Ali and Jerk Detective on the boat!
In Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash, Prozzie Mom quietly confesses her crime to Hanna. She and Hanna drive to the scene of the crime to find Jerk Detective’s police car with lights still flashing. But there’s no body in sight.
And! At Spencer’s, she’s finally ready to tell them who is helping Mona! But will she name Toby . . . or Melissa?
Credits! Gloved McEvilson is listening to Steam Heat and making a funeral wreath. Will A’s talents never end? Flower designing, too?
Next week’s ep looks OFF THE CHAIN, y’all! But until then, let’s gab about what happened in this episode! Thoughts? Comments?
