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I’m not ashamed to admit that watching the midnight (well, 10PM) release of Breaking Dawn Part 2 was a bittersweet experience. I’ve grown to love these (admittedly crappy) movies, and even more, I’ve cherished watching them with an audience who appreciates the cinematic ridiculousness as much as I do. Sure, we still have the rest of The Hunger Games series to look forward to, not to mention the eventual release of Divergent, but it won’t be the same, because those films are actually, like, serious. Over time, the Twilight franchise has developed a self-awareness that is respectful of fans while fully comprehending the batshizz insanity of the storyline, and it has done a tremendous job of balancing the needs of Twihards with the entertainment of people who understand that a werewolf imprinting on a baby is just GROSS.
I’m not kidding when I say that the evolution of these films has deeply impressed me, and I was happy to see the series go out with a helluva bang thanks to Breaking Dawn Part 2. Now, if you haven’t seen the movie (and you plan to), please stop reading this post IMMEDIATELY. We’re heading into Spoiler City, and I would hate, I mean, HATE, to ruin the best surprises in the film for you. I mean it, STOP READING AND GET THEE TO A THEATER. (And bring our drinking game with you!)
And if you have seen the movie, grab your lab coat and let’s ANALYZE.
The Good
Battle Scene
HOLY. SHITBALLS. You guys. YOU GUYS. LIKE OMG WAS THIS THE BEST SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF FILM OR WHAT? I would love to spend an entire weekend popping into theaters when this scene begins just to watch the audience LOSE THEIR SHIZZ. Jenny and I were sitting together, and when Aro turned around with Carlisle’s head, we literally screamed. As did our entire row. In fact, the girl next to me freaked out so hard, she kicked off her flip flop and it flew six seats down. And then Jasper died and Leah died and SETH DIED OMG and then Bella and Edward did some parkour up on Aro and killed him and EVERYTHING WAS OTC and WE COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. I was SO IMPRESSED. Until, of course, it turned out to be the best worst psyche out in history. (More on that below.) But seriously, the action was fantastic, the deaths were mind-blowing, and the impact on the audience was monumental. WELL PLAYED, BILL CONDON. Well played.
Sense of Humor
Barring the first film, this series has displayed a great aptitude for tongue-in-cheek humor, and it was on full display in this final installment. The straight up jokes were funny (like Emmett’s sex comment and Jacob showing his true nature to Charlie), but even better, the thinly veiled references to the story’s ridiculousness were HILARIOUS. From Jacob’s impersonation of Vladimir and Stefan to Charlie’s “six inches” comment about Renesmee (not to mention the whole name conversation), this movie was packed with laughs, and this time, most of them were intentional.
Jacob’s State of Undress
THANK YOU FILMMAKERS. Just… thank you. I mean, yeah, he wasn’t in the long term shirtless glory of New Moon, but the brief moment of pantslessness more than made up for that.
Charlie
Charlie, in the words of Tina Turner, you are simply the best. Not only did you contribute much-needed good acting to this film (and all of the others), but you added heart as well. I hated watching you suffer WAY more than your crappy daughter did, and I wanted to hug you approximately 258 times during the movie.
Lee Pace
Even though his character looks like the lead singer of some emo alt rock band, Lee Pace still managed to be excessively charming in this movie. Forget about Edward or Jacob, I am totally TEAM LEE PACE.
The Bad
The Story
I mean, duh. There was only so much the movie could do.
The Acting
With a few exceptions (most notably, Billy Burke), the acting in this movie was straight up terrible. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, KRISTEN STEWART. Like, there was absolutely no love, let alone warmth, between Bella and Renesmee. (Then again, if my baby had broken my spine and then been born with teeth, I might not be feeling the love either.) But the bad acting has always been a part of these films, so if everyone suddenly developed into mesmerizing thespians, I think I would have been disappointed. So… THANKS FOR SUCKING, Y’ALL!
Cultural Vampires
This complaint obviously goes back to the original story, but I had to make it a separate category because this plot line was trying SO hard and annoyed me SO much. I mean, what is this, a feel good Disney film about a ragtag group of people who overcome their cultural differences and go on to win the hockey championship the vampire war? Every time a new vamp showed up with a thick accent and a special power, I was all EYE ROLL. (And no, Tyra Vampire, I don’t mean smize. I mean EYE ROLL.)
The WTF
Renesmee’s CGI Face
Like, honestly, people, what’s so wrong with finding a baby that looks kinda like Mackenzie Foy? In fact, a Cabbage Patch Kid would still be more believable then the hot mess of CGI they used, because every time the camera panned to Renesmee’s face, the entire audience recoiled in horror. Now I understand why the Irina reported that shizz to the Volturi because YIKES.
The Rick Roll
After the battle scene was revealed as a giant fake out, Jenny exclaimed, “We got rick rolled!” And while I normally enjoy a surprise dose of Rick Astley, I was PISSED. I mean, ok, yes, I understand why they couldn’t have actually killed Carlisle, Jasper, Seth and the rest, because an enraged army of Twihards would then descend on Bill Condon’s home and behead him, Volturi style. But WHO CARES? I really do wish the filmmakers had the balls to make this scene and then NOT have it be a psyche out, because that would’ve been THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE SILVER SCREEN. I mean, think about it. HOW AMAZING WOULD IT BE to kill off half of the main characters in the last ten minutes of the movie, and then NOT have it be all just a dream, J.R.? SO AMAZING.
Imprinting
AAAAAAAWKWARD.
So, now that I’ve shared my observations, I welcome comments and discussion from my fellow scientists! What did y’all think? Did I miss any goods/bads/WTFs? Did you love it? Hate it? Kick your flip flop off in surprise? Let’s dish in the comments!
