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TRUE STORY: Yesterday I was mired in the world of adorable, yet very tedious, yet on a timeline, crafting, which meant I spent about five hours watching something shitty on television. That shitty thing was Hemlock Grove, the newest Netflix Series about, like, werewolves and strange prostitutes? IT IS AMAZING. LY TERRIBLE. AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE. It will be my Stream It this week (spoiler alert!) because we need to discuss this terrible piece of art-poop.
But, point, I am coming to it: After watching Hemlock Grove for five hours yesterday, I turned on Game of Thrones and it was like, set design? Competent actors? Interesting writing? A plot? WHAT IS THIS BRAVE NEW WORLD?
Let’s chat, shall we?
The World’s Unlikeliest Friendship
Never fear, y’all, Jaime’s still got his hand. It’s tied around his neck! That way he can’t lose it when he goes to Kindergarten! Jaime’s weary from blood loss and hunger and exhaustion, and Brienne cares, but no one else does. When Jaime falls off his horse, his Dothraki band make Brienne go to Vaes Dothrak his captors torment him and kick his ass. Brienne tries to help and does manage to head butt a guy, but as she’s completely trussed up, all she can really do is look at Jaime with sympathy. Brienne doesn’t really understand sympathy, though, so it’s the same look she has when she needs to take a poop.
Brienne tells Jaime that he needs to be strong so that he can get revenge. Jaime’s all, “my haaaaand!! IT’S ALL THAT I AM OR WAS OR EVER WILL BE!” and Brienne tells him to stuff it. I love Brienne so much. Brienne also asks Jaime why he helped her. He declines to answer.
In King’s Landing
Tyrion learns the story of Varys’ castration! Which is almost word for word from the book, and none too soon! Varys’ dreams of the voice from the flames are important to the story, y’all! I promise! But Tyrion really does not care about that, because all he wants is to get revenge on Cersei for trying to have him killed. But Varys has just received a special present – the sorcerer who castrated him as a child! He keeps him in a box, kind of like Mad Eyed Moody.
Meanwhile, word has reached Roz and Varys of Podrick’s masterful skills in the sack. I know y’all all are dying to know, so – Pod’s er, codpiece isn’t particularly larger than most men’s. He’s just . . . extraordinary. The ladies will say no more than that. Ladies! Now’s not the time to kiss and not tell. Tell! Is it his tongue? His energy? Did he whisper poetry to you while he nuzzled your necks? TELL US.
Roz also brings Varys the news that Littlefinger has packed two featherbeds for his trip to the Vale. Now, who could he want to bring with him that would warrant a featherbed . . .?
Plans for Joffrey and Margaery’s wedding are in full swing, and while Cersei and Lady Olenna deal with the boring bits, Joffrey runs around like a child and shows Margaery all of the Targaryan tombs. Margaery, for her part, tells Joffrey that if he shows the little people (er, poor people. Not Tyrion.) a little love, they’ll return it a thousand fold. Which they do! This pisses off Cersei, because she needs her creepy, psychopathic, demon child to love her best.
Meanwhile, Cersei would like for her dad to stop overlooking her when it comes to family business. To wit, she complains that Margaery knows how to manipulate Joffrey, and it’s not good. And Tywin once again wins Father of the Year award by telling Cersei that she isn’t nearly as smart as she thinks she is.
Varys wants to know why Lady Olenna is so interested in Sansa’s well being. He tells her that Littlefinger’s interested in Sansa, too, and suggests that he’s using her to hold the North, should Robb Stark fall. Lady Olenna picks up what he’s putting down, which makes me sad, because in no universe should Lady Olenna be outwitted by Varys.
Also, Margaery and Sansa grow closer, and Margaery tells Sansa that if she were to marry Loras, they could be sisters! Man, Margaery, stop trying to get ladies to marry your gay brother!! It gets better, Loras! Well, not so much for you, but for other people!
The Night’s Watch
The men of the Night’s Watch are still at Craster’s Keep, shovelling pig shit and complaining about Craster’s lack of hospitality. Sam, meanwhile, wants to play house with Gilly and her son, but Gilly is too busy trying to keep her kid alive to play footsy with Sam.
The men of the Night’s Watch are dropping like flies and those living are so hungry that even a funeral pyre is starting to smell tasty. Some of the men end up threatening Craster and, while Sam and Lord Commander Mormont council patience, it soon becomes an all-out brawl, with half the men raping Craster’s daughter/wives and trying to find food, and half fleeing. Lord Commander Mormont is stabbed in the back, and Sam takes Gilly and the baby and flees.
Bran’s Walkabout
Jojen’s continuing to show Bran how to navigate his green dreams and find the three-eyed crow, but Catelyn keeps appearing in his dreams and ruining his whole plan. Ugh, typical.
Theon’s Traveling Therapy Session
Theon, having been rescued by “Boy,” treks off to find his sister’s men. He pouts about his father and feeling like a bastard to Boy, which is hilarious on so, so many levels if you’ve read the books. He also confesses that he’s always considered Ned his father. And then the Boy leads him into a secret room . . . which is the exact torture room from which Theon had previously escaped. Ha ha ha ha ha. I love the fact that A) they’ve moved Theon’s storyline up to this season and B) they are rewarding book readers with all of this malarky. Theon’s storyline is the funniest thing to me right now!
The Brotherhood Without Banners
Arya and Gendry are being led (blindfolded) to the cave that the Brotherhood calls home. The Hound isn’t too concerned with being nice to his captors, even when Lord Beric appears. Lord Beric Dondarrion looks . . . better than I thought he would. Beric is a follower of Rh’llor, just like Melisandre, but he’s not nearly as annoying as Mel is. The Brotherhood calls The Hound a murderer, and he’s all, “bishes, please, I never killed no one” and then Arya’s like, “WHAT ABOUT MYCAH? REMEMBER HIM?” So now it’s time for The Hound to fight for his honor!
Danaerys Lincoln, Emancipator
Dany’s brought her dragon in and is ready to trade him for the Unsullied, much to Ser Jorah’s dismay. Dany shows off her dragon and trades him for the Unsullied … and the second that they are hers, she starts speaking Valyrian*, and tells the Unsullied to kill every master and man with a sword in the city. And then she throws in a little “Dracaerys” for good measure. AND IT IS AWESOME. Dragon go boom; The Unsullied sack the city, kill all the slave owners, and then line up again in orderly rows. God, can you imagine how great they’d be at cleaning houses? Or running herd on kids at recess? Dany asks if they’ll fight for her, as free men, and they drum with their spears in assent. So now it’s time to go sack the shizz out of some cities with her fiercely trained, castrated, technically free army!
* In the books, the reader is aware that Dany speaks Valyrian the entire time. This reveal was SO MUCH COOLER on the show, y’all.
If Game of Thrones Was a YA Novel
Y’all, I just don’t know about Sansa’s BFF, Margaery. Like, why would she try to set Sansa up with her gay brother, riiiiight? I think she and her grandmother might be plotting to keep Sansa under their thumb, you know? But still, Margaery’s hair IS full of secrets, so she has to be trustworthy!
Quotes for Our Slambook
Lady Olenna: “What happens when the nonexistent bumps against the decrepit?”
Re: sex with Varys.
Actually, pretty much everything Lady Olenna says in that scene, starting with upbraiding one of her granddaughters for her embroidery and ending in her plotting with Varys to keep Littlefinger from marrying Sansa. QUEEN OF THORNS, WILL YOU ADOPT ME??
So what did y’all think? For those of you who haven’t read the books (no spoilers, people who have!), what do you think will happen with Sansa? Will she be able to escape with Littlefinger? And does Littlefinger have her best interests at heart? And how cool is Dany when she gets mad? And what do you think Margaery and Lady Olenna’s plans really are? Discuss below!
