About:

Title: Hackers
Released: 1995

Fix: Hilaribad Depictions of Computers, Young and Sexy Jonny Lee Miller, Ancient Internet Technology
Platform: Prime Video

Netflix Summary:

They crack codes, crash networks and don’t play well with others. But they just hacked the wrong guy. Game over.

FYA Summary:

Dade is a hacker before most of the world understands what the internet does. In fact, he was a child hacker, who was caught crashing thousands of computers with a virus, and sentenced to live without a computer until his eighteenth birthday. Now he’s 18 and back to New York City, causing mischief with a state-of-the-art 28.8k modem and a band of misfit friends.

Familiar Faces:

Jonny Lee Miller as Dade

Angelina Jolie as Kate

Jesse Bradford as Joey

From dopey Joey here to dreamy Cliff in Bring It On!

Matthew Lillard as Cereal Killer

How can you not love a boy who makes a mixtape of musicians who asphyxiated on their own vomit? Even if his hair is terrible.

Marc Anthony (yes, that one) as Agent Ray

Couch-Sharing Capability: eXtreme

This is less a movie as it is An Event, where you must gather your friends ‘round and marvel at the technology of 20 years ago. Bonus points, of course, if you make anyone born in 1995 or thereafter watch it with you and take photos of the looks on their faces (with the computer/camera in your pocket, natch). Yes, children, that’s the sound of Ye Olde Dial-Up Modem! And that is a “3.5 inch floppy disk!” (It’s not a euphemism.)

This is what all computers looked like in 1995. Also, we were never allowed to turn our regular lights on.

I want you to throw a Hackers theme party and make everyone dress like the hacker characters (bonus points for The Plague on a skateboard), because there’s no reason you should learn from our fashion mistakes. After the movie is over, play ancient video games on a projection screen and blast the soundtrack, perfect for awkwardly dancing in PVC pants. (Which are really gross and sweaty to wear: don’t ask me how I know this. The ’90s, man.)

NO, NOT THE THIEVING MAN ON THE SKATEBOARD

Recommended Level of Inebriation: High

There is no greater depiction of hacking and coding than the ones you will see here. In an effort to make hacking seem sexier and more glamourous than mere lines of code, Hollywood has done its best to jazz things up with fancy graphics and shiny neon simulations. (The problem is, if you had tried to download any of these fancy graphics on a 28.8k modem, this movie would be nine times longer than it is.) This was what they thought the future looked like in 1995, you guys, and it requires a lot of your most potent liquor.

Bet you didn’t know that fancy space symbols swirled around all computer users in the ’90s. It’s true. They came with your free AOL trial disc.

Use of Your Streaming Subscription: Mandatory

There is no way you are NOT watching this movie. It has everything: 90s nostalgia, terrible “cyberpunk” fashion and nightclubs, an antagonistic relationship between Dade and Kate, hilaribad depictions of technology, oh, and did I mention Young Jonny Lee Miller’s FACE. (God, he is so pretty.) It is the pinnacle of cheese, twice as stinky, AND I LOVE IT. 

Remember…

Dade: “Hack the planet!”