So I saw New Moon on Sunday night, and all I have to say is: JORTS!!!!
Ok, well, actually, I have a little more to say, but that’s the main thing. Also? This movie? Was actually a LOT of fun. Sure, it was terrible, and frankly I’m horrified that a movie of this quality can break box office records, but y’all I had a blast! And also JACOB’S ABS!
Honestly, I don’t know why I’m writing this review when Vulture’s incredible slideshow exists (seriously, if you have not seen their 34 reasons why New Moon the movie is better than the book, you’re lamer than Bella Swan in the midst of Edward-induced depression) except that I just really want to talk about JORTS! THERE WERE SO MANY JORTS IN THIS MOVIE! And also, I really did enjoy New Moon way more than Twilight, and I’m interested to hear from if anyone else out there agrees (or disagrees!).
I’ve divided my review into two categories: Actually Awesome and Beer Snortworthy.
(Elements of the film that I really did enjoy with very little sarcasm)
1. Dakota Fanning as Jane
I really, really wish Jane was in more than five minutes of this movie cos holy Interview With A Vampire!!!!!!! Obvs she was chewing on the scenery a bit, but wouldn’t you, if you were playing a super evil, red-contact-wearing child-looking vampire? Hells yes!!
2. Face Punch!
New Moon actually had some intentionally funny moments, and my fave was when Bella, Mike, and Jacob go to see this action movie called Face Punch, with the tag line, “LET’S DO THIS!” Y’all that is awesome. P.S. Dear Hollywood, I would see this movie if you made it. Just FYI.
3. Anna Kendrick as Jessica
In the first movie, Anna Kendrick makes it clear that Jessica is gonna be waaay less annoying than she is in the book, and in New Moon, she basically blows Kristen Stewart out of the water. Like, I SO want Jessica to be my BFF!!! Not only does she actually crack some witty comments, she also treats Bella like I would, i.e. “So, um… why are you so lame?” Seriously, her scenes in the movie are a class above the rest.
4. Taylor Lautner’s muscles
No seriously, they are Actually Awesome. And it’s not like I have any journalistic credibility to lose here, so I am not ashamed to admit that this movie TOTALLY MADE ME TEAM JACOB. HARD. Like, as hard as Taylor’s copious amounts of abs.
(Moments where I snorted the beer I was drinking, which I consider to be a sign of pure entertainment)
1. Every time Edward sparkles
No, this does not get old, and no, they did not figure out a better way to do this even though they obvs had lots of CGI at their disposal.
2. Jacob gives Bella a dream catcher
3. Jacob immediately tears his shirt off after Bella falls off the motorcycle
Now that’s my kind of first aid!!!!!!
4. Jacob’s long hair
5. Every time Edward appears when Bella is trying to off herself
Obvs this kind of isn’t the movie’s fault, since it’s in the book, but GOOD LORD there is no way not to laugh every time this happens. Even when it means you get beer up your nose.
There are so many jorts in this movie!!!!!! And really, it’s not accurate for me to file this under “beer snortworthy,” cos it’s more like a fist pumping thing. Helloooo, favorite new addition to the Twilight drinking game!
7. Bella’s depression montage
Obvs real depression should not be mocked, but when the months started appearing at the bottom of the screen? Let’s just say a lot of beer was wasted.
8. Edward’s airbrushed abs
Britney Spears flashback!!!!!!! Seriously, though, why put RPatz shirtless in a movie already starring Taylor’s Incredible Physique? That’s just mean.
I could go on, but I don’t want to spoil EVERYTHING for you guys. It’s always nice to have at least one or two beer snorts sneak up on you, you know?
And now, it’s your turn. What did y’all think? LET’S DO THIS!
P.S. Here’s another great (hilarious) review of the movie, plus this awesome alternative version that Jenny found. And in case you’d like to see the horrifying Twihard products we’ve bashed here on FYA all in one place, here you go! WATCH OUT FOR THE WOMB.