About:
Hey hey, FYA! Guess what? It’s Tuesday! I know that it doesn’t FEEL like Tuesday for a lot of us, because if you are like me, you had the day off yesterday and spent most of it trying to drink all of the alcohol in your house (and suceeding!). But, alas, here we are back in the daily grind, and it’s time to catch up on just what our Pretty Little Liars have been doing lately. (If you guessed Lying and Being Pretty, well, give yourself a gold star.)
It’s morning at Hanna’s house. Hanna’s prozzie mom is shaking hands with a cop (not Jerky Detective), who has come to tell Prozzie Mom about Hanna wrecking Sean the PK’s car. I guess they’re pretty upset about it. Prozzie Mom tells Hanna that she’s pretty tired of having to deal with cops, where Hanna’s concerned. Pretty sore, as well, I would assume, if she deals with all cops the way she deals with Jerky Detective. Anyway, regardless of the fact that Hanna drank and drove and wrecked someone else’s car, I guess she’s not grounded, because we immediately switch to . . .
A park, where our four pretty little liars are all congregated around a bench. Apparently this bench is a memorial to Alison, and it’s absolutely fitting that it’s just a plain ol’ wooden park bench that probably isn’t even sanded down completely, because of how Alison is a lame chick who will give you splinters. The girls discuss in what other ways they can memorialize Alison (may I suggest the prom and pig’s blood?) before turning their thoughts to that pesky A, whoever he or she is. Spencer decides she’s had enough of A’s shenanigans,and she gets out her laptop and blocks all incoming messages from people she doesn’t know. All of the other girls follow suit.
Just then, Hot Teacher Hookup bikes by. All the girls are lusting after him. Only Aria knows what he looks like without his biker shorts. I would hope he looks less cheesy than he looks now, and yet I get the distinct impression that his biker shorts cover very little.
Post-lusting, the girls feel superior about blocking all of A’s messages. Oh, girls. You are too dumb to live.
Just as I am rolling my eyes at how dumb these girls are, the wind blows an old “Alison is Missing” flyer in their direction. On it? “Ding Dong the bitch is dead. xoxo A” Clearly A has been taking notes from both Gossip Girl and Forrest Gump as far as both tone and delivery of messages goes.
Credits. “Better lock it in your pocket; taking this one to the grave.” Necromancy. Family show!
Commercials. WHOA. Zoe from Firefly, aka Ana Espinosa from Alias, is in that show about the overweight kids! Be careful, kids! SHE WILL CUT YOU.
School. Maya the Vampire Slater gives Em a gift of a scarf. A gift that says “Let us rub our genitals together whilst listening to Tegan and Sara.” Em is pensive at the implications of the scarf. 14 year old boys everywhere are turned on.
Cafeteria. The girls have gathered for . . . lunch? Already? Hanna gets a phone call. Everyone’s all, “But I thought we blocked A!” but it turns out that it’s Hanna’s dad calling, for apparently the first time in quite a while. Hanna is pathetically overjoyed at this. Hanna’s dad is coming to visit. Hanna tries to play cool about it, but you can tell that she’s about two ponies shy of proclaiming him The Very Bestest Daddy In the Whole Entire World.
Then there’s some sort of product placement about Kins and how you can put people in Loops, or something. “You added him as a favorite?” Spencer asks of Emily. (I think they’re talking about Toby Cavenaugh but everyone mumbles on this show and I didn’t care enough to rewind.) You know, I long for a day in which we do not need to say things like “You added him as a favorite” or use the word “friend” as a verb. In other news, get off my lawn, kids.
Hot Teacher Hookup’s classrom, empty except for Hot Teacher Hookup. Aria enters. She is wearing an abhorrant shirt. Abhorrant. Fitz and Aria flirt awkwardly. You would think that after you bone the flirting gets easier? Aria questions the smartness of the arrangement. Hot Teacher Hookup wants to talk about it. He wants her to come over to his apartment tonight, to talk. Oh, that’s a good idea.
Hallway. Hanna’s excited about her dad visiting. Some teacher comes up to Spencer to congratulate her on her essay that she stole from Melissa. He wants to submit it to the Golden Orchid, which is apparently some sort of hoity toity literary review. Well, that won’t end well.
Em takes off The Scarf of the Lesbians and puts it in her locket. Lesbian hearts break around the world. Em enters a classroom. Toby’s in there. He is joining the science class. He is creepy per usual, and comments upon her now-packed-away scarf. In a creepy fashion. Toby becomes Em’s lab partner. Em opens her textbook and sees the photos of her kissing Maya the Vampire Slayer. She quickly slams her book shut and looks horrified. I don’t know why! She looks really cute in those photos!
Aria’s house. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is shredding carrots, which I presume is for some sort of stew or other dish she learned to make in the compound, and not a means of stress relief. FLASHBACK (drink!) to Aria and Alison discovering Chad Lowe tenderly boning Meredith of All The Teeth. Present day: Aria looks troubled. Poor Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is still blissfully chopping carrots, unaware of her husband’s infidelity or her daughter’s moral dilemma. FLASHBACK (drink!). Ali is trying to convince Aria that she needs to tell Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, about the tender boning. Present day: Aria thinks about telling; settles for a carrot.
Spencer’s room. She and Hanna are trying on clothes. Spencer is upset about the paper being published in the Golden Orchid, because of how she totally stole it from her sister. I mean, she doesn’t tell Hanna that, but that is her concern. It wouldn’t matter if she had told Hanna though, as Hanna is off in her own little world. Hanna is worried; she wants her dad to think she looks nice (since she lost all that weight). Hanna. Your dad is not your ex-boyfriend, okay. You don’t need to worry that you’ll run into him at the 7-11 at 2 am when you got a random craving for a Slushee, and are as such dressed in your pyjamas, with zit cream on your face. I mean, not that I know from experience, or anything.
Cupcake place! Maya the Vampire Slayer works at a cupcake place! Maya the Vampire Slayer, I knew you were my favorite! Em shows her the photos and asks if she put them in her science book. Maya denies it, and is unconcerned about any potential dramz. Em is worried about the lesbonic implications. Maya is like Bish Plz, I’m gonna go eat a cupcake.
Hanna’s. Hanna and Prozzie Mom are both primping in the mirror. I’ve forgotten to mention this the past few weeks, but Prozzie Mom is one of my favorite people ever, Laura Leighton, aka Sydney Mother Effin’ Andrews from Melrose Place. SYDNEY! Remember when you were a prostitute on Melrose Place and then you and Dr Kimberley Shaw tried to kill Michael but you backed out but Jane went to jail for Michael’s murder anyway, even though Michael wasn’t dead and then later Kimberley showed up and took off her wig to reveal that awesome scar and totally went to fuck shiz up, but you were in that one month where you tried to do good things before you realized being good was totally boring and then you went back to torturing your dumb sister Jane? Cause I DO.
Anyway, the doorbell, itrings. Hanna’s dad is here! Hanna’s dad and Prozzie Mom greet each other cooly. Hanna and her dad start to leave and Prozzie Mom makes to go with, butHanna’s dad only wants to hang with Hanna. Awkward.
Hanna figures that her dad has heard about Sean the PK’s car and that is why he’s come to spend time with her. Hanna’s dad doesn’t answer, and instead weaves some metaphor about tree-climbing. Whatever. I’m drunk and I don’t care.
Hot Teacher Hookup’s apartment. He has a record player AND a typewriter. Oh, Fitz. Aria is worried that Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, will be very upset when she learns about Meredith of All The Teeth. Fitz offers the suggestion that maybe Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, already knows, and is dealing with it her own way. Aria thinks Fitz thinks she’s too immature to deal with the Meredith of All the Teeth situation. I think Fitz thinks that Aria should shut up about her parents and get to taking her abhorrent shirt off. Aria’s all, “So if I’m a child, why’d you ask me here.” Hot Teacher Hookup is all “cause you’re a child i want to bone?” But he says that in his head, because this is ABC Family, so we can’t talk about statuatory rape; we can only show it. Aria storms out.
School. Hot Teacher Hookup’s classroom. Hanna is excited about her night with her dad. She thinks her dad loves her and will maybe let her spend summers in whatever state it is that he fled to after divorcing Prozzie Mom. Oh, Hanna. This isn’t going to end well for you, kiddo. Fitz walks in and starts talking about To Kill A Mockingbird some more, because we are going to grind this metaphor into the ground. Specifically Fitz is asking his class whether Atticus is hypocritical, in that he fought valiently for Tom Robinson’s freedom, but totally let the Sheriff talk him into “fudging the truth,” re that whole Bob Ewell dying thing. Aria says something about how Atticus had to make the right decision for Jem and Boo, and some other kid contradicts her, and Fitz totally yells at the other kid for not being as awesome as Aria. Fitz would be the worst poker player ever.
Hallway. Em is putting books in her locker, and spies Toby opening his lockerto an outpouring of shaving cream. Several chuckleheads laugh and high five each other before running away to commit some other Crimes of Obviousness. Em doesn’t offer to help Toby clean up. That would be too nice.
The only nice restaurant in Rosewood. Hanna and her dad are eating dinner. Wow! Two nights in a row! Hanna, he must REALLY care. Hanna’s dad starts talking about Allison, because even people who no longer live in this town are obsessed with that chick, and then he greets a newcomer: Isabelle, his fiance. Isabelle’s daughter Kate has also joined them. If this were a comedy or melodrama, the sound accompanying Hanna’s fallen face would sound like this: “ruh roh.”
Spencer’s house. She’s staring at Alison’s friendship bracelet when she hears a noise outside. She goes to investigate. Shadowy, shadowy, let’s build some suspense . . . Spence grabs a butcher knife. More violins and off-lighting, until finally she sees Wren with some sort of plant. You didn’t misread that. Wren; plant. Wren is clearly pissed, which is British slang for shit-faced. I know lots of British slang, because the television has taught me everything that British people do. First they say Cheerio and then drink some tea and then put on their bowler hats and then drink more tea and then they talk either like Cockneys or super-posh and then they get drunk at the pub and sing songs about the Queen.
Spencer wants Wren to leave, since he is very drunk and she is alone in the house. Wren, on the other hand, would like Spencer to “summon {her} father,” so that he may make his formal apology and then, one presumes, try to haggle a bride price out for Spencer. Three goats, perhaps? Then Spencer and Wren fall over on the floor (drunk, plant) and almost make out. Apparently when Wren is drunk, heturns into a medeival lord, as he calls Spencer’s face “very fair.” I assume that he means either pretty or light, and not that Spencer’s face is a good judge of character, or would know that you have to offer to split the baby in half to figure out who the true mom is. While Spencer and Wren make googly eyes at one another, someone records them secretively.
Apartment of Hot Teacher Hookup. Aria knocks on the door. Fitz answers. Aria is upset about how Fitz was acting in class. “Man,” she thinks in her head. “Why’d I choose to have an affair with the one older man who can’t help but giggle and turn bright red when he sees me?” Aria talks for like 80 hours about how Fitz needs to be more low key, and then Fitz totally woos her in a sexual fashion.
Spencer’s, sober time. Wren apologizes for being a drunken mess. Spencer’s dad “scares the vinegar” out of Wren. That is a phrase that absolutely no one in the world uses. Not even my fake British people from three paragraphs earlier. Spence feels bad about hurting Melissa. I don’t! Melissa is a frigid cow! Wren decides to leave and go to the motel he’s staying in, but Spencer won’t let him drive drunk.
Dinner with Hanna at The One Nice Restaurant in Rosewood. Isabelle’s daughter Kate is telling some story about how perfect she is. She would fit in well with Spencer’s family. Hanna makes a joke that no one appreciates. Hanna’s dad explains that Hanna will be paying off the damage to Sean’s car by working for Sean’s mom, the dentist. This is news to Hanna, who is embarassed that her dad brought this up in front of strangers. Aw, they’re not strangers, Hanna! They’re the family you’re about to have but never will be invited to do things with, cause you’re a formerly-chubby virgin who can’t drive! Hanna gets a text from Spencer, S.O.S.
Emily’s house. She’s tearing up the photos of the Maya kissage. NO! Don’t do that, Em! It’s cute plus your hair looks really good in those photos! Toby, who is lurking outside as always, talks to Em about how people think he’s a freak. It gets to him, but there’s nothing he can do. Au contraire, mon Jenna’s frere! There’s lot of things you can do. Up to and including cutting that hair of yours and not staring at people like you’re imagining their heads on pikes. Em apologizes for the Shaving Cream incident, even though she did nothing wrong. Toby points out that they keep apologizing to each other. Emily asks if Toby saw the photos in her book. Toby half-denies it. Then tells her that she should do what she wants to do. Toby is totally the Brian Krakow of this series. But with worse hair.
Hot Teacher Hookup’s apartment. They’re just . . . eating? All their clothes are on? What kind of affair is this? Aria tells Fitz that she’s the Fixer in her family, trying to keep everyone together. Aria feels like her Aunt Ruth, who taxidermied her cat. (shrugs Just reporting what I watch, folks.) Aria decides she can’t be the fixer anymore, and should tell Holly Marie Combs,Child Bride, the truth. Then she leaves, even though Fitz asks her to stay. Man. They’re not even going to do it?? Lamest affair EVS. I bet Chad Lowe is totally boning Meredith of All The Teeth right now!
Motel in Rosewood. Spencer has walked Wren to the motel, because Rosewood is a small town, but not so small that you can’t drunkenly wreck your car. Wren tells her that he wishes he’d met her first. Then he kisses her. Hanna (who has driven there to pick Spence up) is shocked. Not because of the kissing, though. Hanna is listening to the radio; A has dedicated a song to her called “I Don’t Need You Anymore.” Well, that’s not very nice of A.
Town. Emily runs into Maya the Vampire Slayer. Maya snarks on Em’s fear of the Lesbian Love Train. Em apologizes about jumping on Maya about the pictures. Maya questions whether it’s the picture or the kiss. Em likes the kiss, but doesn’t know what it means. Maya is like, “Lady, you cray. I am a 38 year old teenager and I can stake vampires and when I die, Faith is going to become a Slayer and it will be the greatest thing evs.” Em wants some space. Maya is cool with that. But she wants Em to know she cares about her.
Aria’s house. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is reading a letter. Aria enters and starts to tells Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, about Meredith With All theTeeth. But Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride hands Aria a type-written letter explaining the entire affair (and implying that Aria already knows) . . . from A. You see what happens when you block someone’s number, kids?
Spencer’s house. Hanna wants to know what to do about A. Then they notice that someone has picked up all of Wren’s plant mess and deposited it neatly on the kitchen counter. Spencer and Hanna run upstairs to Spence’s room to check for Alison’s bracelet, which is there, but they turn and look shocked . . .
Em, walking, gets a text from Spencer, S.O.S. So does Aria. They get there and all four girls look at Spencer’s bedroom mirror -“It won’t be that easy bitches -A” The message is written in lipstick.”Is that Jungle Red?” one girls asks. “Alison’s color,” Hanna confirms. OOOOH! Whoever A is, they’ve managed to go to a drugstore! And buy lipstick! And then use that lipstick on a mirror! WILL NO ONE BE SAFE?
