Here on FYA, we keep it real, which is why I’m not gonna lie to y’all about the fact that I was actually super duper stoked to see Eclipse. Was it for the incredibly compelling romance? No. The tremendously moving tension between Bella’s need to be human and desire to be vampire? SHYEAH right. Was it for the jorts? OF COURSE IT WAS FOR THE JORTS. And also for the abs. God bless those abs.
Actually, I did enjoy the movie. I chalk most of that up to Jenny’s lethal ingenious drinking game (um, that Victoria crossing the water rule? Caution: it will bring the hurt), but I also have to give some credit to David Slade for actually making the film, as Henri put it, “watchable” (and for Henri, this is high praise… for a film about sparkly vampires).
Being the serious journalist that I am, I took copious notes in order to provide you, the discerning public, with my highly scientific review. Read on for an in-depth analysis of the acting, the script and, most importantly, the controversial move to replace jorts with cargo pants! WHAT THE WHAT!
In spite of needing to keep my attention focused on my beverages (oh and the movie), I managed to take a few notes on my phone to aid in this review. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I will now present them to you:
note truck jake entrance monolgue shirt laugh Jasper cray eye Charlie notch fave punch swagga party training montage snort jasper’s douthness I just wanna be married to you first courted laugh no cost
Now that I’ve shared these with y’all, CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THESE NOTES MEAN?!!! Ok, I remember most of them, but I surmise that the drinking game may have hindered my journalistic abilities. And also, the auto spell feature on my phone. DOUTHNESS? Obvs I meant SOUTHNESS which of course isn’t a word but I was trying to type in shorthand! Gah! I bet real reporters don’t have to deal with this shizz. Also I bet real reporters don’t drink on the job. Cos they are suckers!
Just like I did with New Moon, I’ve divided my review into two categories: Actually Awesome and Beer Snortworthy.
(Elements of the film that i really did enjoy with v. little sarcasm)
Almost all of the intentionally funny scenes in the film were pulled off solely by Billy Burke as Charlie Swan, and that’s due to the fact that he’s the most realistic character in the entire movie. Oh and also he can act. Just like with Anna Kendrick in New Moon, I see Charlie as an ambassador for the audience in Eclipse, and by that I mean, he gets say to all (ok, some) of the shizz I want to yell at the screen, but he gets to say it TO THE CHARACTERS. IN THE MOVIE. THAT IS AWESOME. He earned some major fist pumps when he physically separated a very angry Jacob and Edward and said, “Let’s bring this down a notch.” Of course, we all know what he really meant was: “Let’s bring the scenery chewing down a notch, otherwise there will be no buildings left in Forks.” Also, his incredibly awkward attempt at a sex talk with Bella was totally adorbs.
2. Jacob’s hotness
In my previous review, I placed Jacob’s hotness in the Beer Snortworthy column, but I’ve since seen the error of my ways. Because when it comes to my enjoyment of that fine physique, there is nothing snarky or ironic about it. It’s just pure, unadulterated, totally pervy appreciation. Eclipse takes the lead from New Moon and clothes Jacob in as few shirts as possible (my count: 1). And when he DOES have to cover up the gun & ab show, the film crew makes sure to give him a motorcycle to lean on/ride, just in case you were starting to doubt his werehotness.
From (shirtlessly) carrying Bella to (shirtlessly) snuggling up to her in the sleeping bag, Jacob is a one man panty melting machine, and even though he doesn’t get the girl (COS SHE IS CRAZYTOWN), he does get his due with the most fist-pumping statement in the film, nay, in cinematic history!
It wouldn’t be a(n enjoyable) Twilight movie without the jorts, and thankfully, the werewolves really came through for us again. I will definitely be adding our jorts rule to the Eclipse drinking game, although we still have to pour one out because LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE, READERS. LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE:
No, look down… seriously, just, for a second, look down and you will notice KHAKI CARGO SHORTS, aka AN ABOMINATION OF THE WEREWOLF WARDROBE.
Moviemakers, I’ll forgive you this time, because, well, Jacob’s chest/abs/arms, but don’t even THINK of attempting this foolishness again.
4. Best party entrance ever
When Jacob & Co show up at the Cullen graduation soiree, the entire theater went “AWWWW SHIZZ!” and thus, my “swagga party” note was born.
5. Seth Clearwater
LOOK AT THIS CUTENESS!!! OMG!!!! Seth Clearwater I want to put you in my pocket, take you home and dress you in a suit and bowtie! Then maybe we can have a little convo about why your parents named you Booboo Stewart in real life. Because I really need to know.
6. The training montage
In general, the action in this movie was pretty great (and definitely one of the main reasons it was actually watchable), and the icing on the ass kicking cake was the Cullens’ demonstration of their vampire fighting skills for the werewolves. In other words, A TRAINING MONTAGE. Note to Breaking Dawn filmmakers: you can never go wrong with a training montage. P.S. Good luck. P.P.S. Seriously, WHY are you making this movie? P.P.P.S. HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK?
Honorable mention in this category goes to the Rosalie’s flashback scene, which didn’t make the final cut because they stopped the flashback exactly when it was about to get good, a.k.a. dear rapists: BISH GONNA EFF YOU UP.
(Moments where I snorted the beer I was drinking, which I consider to be a sign of pure entertainment)
1. The wigs
Riddle me this, Hollywood. How can a film have the budget for incredibly realistic CGI wolves, yet not be able to afford remotely believable wigs? Seriously, Cullen family, the Barbie Salon head I had in the 80s has better hair than any of you. And that’s AFTER I tried to wash it. Several times.
2. Robert Pattinson trying to act angry
Let’s be honest. I pretty much snort beer anytime RPatz tries to act beyond his range (handsome and silent). But when the script demands an angry/frustrated/jealous Edward, you can expect not just a snort, but full on beer spittage. Hey, Robert, Keanu called, and he just wanted to say thanks for making him look like a real actor! Also he wants to apologize for the last two Matrix movies. P.S. Nice wig, Bella.
3. Nothing says “I love you” like rewiring your truck so you can’t see other people
I know, I know, I should be used to Edward’s stalkery ways by now. But REALLY? This film should end with a 1-800 hotline for people in abusive relationships. And I’m not even joking.
4. Well, shoot, I reckon that Jasper is a terrible southerner!
The main actor giving RPatz a run for his Razzie money is Jackson Rathbone, who plays Jasper. Now, you’d think that with a name like Jackson Rathbone, the dude could play a convincing southerner. Of course, you’d also think that a billion dollar film franchise could afford to hire good actors. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ASS-U-ME THINGS.
5. Jasper’s crazy eyes
Jasper’s cray cray eyes are BACK and they’re BIGGER THAN EVER. Thank the sweet silver screen that he gets more scenes in this movie, so we can see the full spectrum of his insanity.
P.S. I’m also totally adding Jasper’s crazy eyes to the drinking game. Because my liver hasn’t sent me enough hate mail lately.
6. The fact that any dude would actually fight for Bella
I could write a whole entry about this (and many others have) but I had to mention it here cos it bothered me in Eclipse even more than in the two previous movies combined. WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT BELLA YOU GUYS? Sure, she’s pretty, and she stopped doing that hair push back thing (a tremendous acting stride, Kristen!) but she’s also hella boring! Here, let’s play a game: can you guess the major difference between her performance in the tent scene and the rest of the film? Oh, sorry folks, the answer is NOT that she was snoozeville, it’s that she was wearing a hat!
7. The glaring lack of coats
During all of the snowy mountaintop scenes, I was totally channeling my dad: “Wait, does Bella not own a coat? IT’S SNOWING FOR GOD’S SAKES. Who cares if there are vampires afoot, what about the high chance of hypothermia?! This girl doesn’t need a werewolf, she just needs a coat! SOMEONE GET THIS GIRL A FULL LENGTH PUFFY COAT.”
8. Edward Cullen’s definition of “old fashioned courting”
This portion of the film gets the highly acclaimed This Actually Made Sarah Spew Beer award for being the most ridiculous piece of script ever uttered in earnest (well, as earnest as RPatz can act). I can only hope that when someone eventually proposes to me, he will say those magical words: “I want to sit on a porch and drink iced tea with you.” Then I will know, without a doubt, that I need to break up with that douchebag immediately cos he prefers ice tea to sex. And also because he has terrible taste in rings. Bonus: this moment in the movie is the only time my row of friends got actually SHUSHED by other members of the audience. I considered that shushing to be a badge of honor and accepted it humbly (and with a swig of beer).
9. Bree Tanner
Well, I think I’m about done here with all of my scientific analysis and intrepid journalism. Now it’s your turn! Do you agree? Disagree? Come have some ice tea on the porch with me and we’ll have a real old-fashioned discussion about it!
For an even better review of the film, check out the Vulture slideshow (easily the thing I most anticipate about a new Twilight movie). And for the best definition of the true “teams” in this movie, you MUST read this.