Happy Thursday, Pretty Little Liars fans. I am at this very moment cuddled into bed, surrounded by a bunch of pillows, a boy, and a dog, and balancing my laptop with one hand and champagne with the other. BEST DAY EVER.
So since I am typing one-handed so as not to spill my precious champagne, let’s knock this recap out, shall we?
Aria
Oh, Aria. It’s time for more surprises from a Ftizgerald of the Television Fitzgeralds. This surprise comes in the form of Wes, Fitz’s younger brother whom he also has never mentioned in the last year and a half of dating Aria. And Wes is actually age appropriate for Aria! Crazy!
Anyway, Wes drops the bomb about Maggie, the girl that Fitz knocked up when he was younger. Fitz was ready to put his high school diploma to work and be the Best Dad Ever, but Mama Fitzgerald paid Maggie to have an abortion. I think I’m meant to be stricken by this, but all I wonder is if there’s some sort of program we can put in place to pay people for abortions. After all, those fetuses are valuable resources in stem cell research and worth a fair amount of cash in their own right. It seems okay that the person giving them that fetus through great personal pain get rewarded.
I’m about to get sooooo much hate mail, aren’t I? Sorry, sorry; fetuses are not for sale. Except Maggie’s was!
You know, this whole weeks-long reveal about Fitz’s family just highlights to me that Aria is actually A. I mean, A knows everything, right? And would certainly have run a background check on Fitz and learned all about his rich family. So why has A never used this info to torture Aria before? In fact, the only things that have ever happened to Aria have been reveals everyone would be better off knowing – about Jodie Sawyer, for instance. And I can see Mona not even really knowing who A is, but doing some of the bidding, and therefore “targeting” Aria. I don’t know. I’m a little tipsy and sleepy still. Aria is A, is what I’m saying.
Apropos of nothing, my fiancé just said, “hey, it’s got to be at least 15 inches long and 7 inches in circumference to make it worthwhile putting in my arse.” So . . . you’re welcome, readers.
Hanna
Hanna is ignoring Wren’s phone calls in favor of mooning after Caleb some more. She gets a text from A telling her to show up at some darkened pier or something that honestly looks like they’re borrowing one of the sets from Days of Our Lives and she goes and . . . Caleb is there. He’s A! Not really; but he’s figured out that A is still stalking Hanna! Well, bully for you, Caleb. Thanks for catching up. Hanna tells him everything, about his mom’s crash and the threats and blah blah whatever else, and they make up. And make out.
Meanwhile a warrant is out for Hanna’s DNA, and Prozzie Mom is trying to block it. She has herself another date with TED, and despite the fact that he cleans up the Kitchen of Carbs and Cash, I am wary of him. Don’t mistreat Prozzie Mom, Ted!
Emily
The girls finally let Em in on the fact that Maya’s website is real, so Emily spends a lot of time watching videos of Maya reading bad poetry and talking about how infinite her love with Emily is. This is super boring for me. I’m just so over Maya. Unless her website brings answers, it’s just a mid-season faff fest at this point.
Meanwhile, Paige comes over and Emily shows her some of the videos. Then Paige lets Em cry on her shoulder, which is a nice gesture from someone who was sexually assaulting her a few weeks ago.
Apropos of nothing: my fiancé has just shouted “god, you are so unromantic! Give me the vagina, clearly I am the only one sensitive enough to handle it.”
Spencer
Spencer is adorably hyped-up squirrel about the fact that she missed the Early Admission deadline for her dream school, U Penn. Really? U Penn? I mean, I’m not disparaging it as a school, but I would have figured Spencer for a Smith or maybe a Cornell kind of girl. Anyway, she is panicking because she found her application squished between books in her backpack. I guess U Penn hasn’t arrived to the idea of Online applications yet.
Never fear, Spencer! Cause the mysterious and strange CeCe is here! She says that she knows of a party at which an old college friend will be – a college friend who now works in Admissions at U Penn. Spencer just needs to . . . .
Whoa. I literally fell asleep, apparently, in the middle of writing that sentence. That’s how tedious I find this episode to be. Anyway. I’m up now. Well, I’m awake now. Sort of. Spencer needs to go to the party, hand Stephen her application, and all will be well. I can’t see how anything can go wrong with this proposal!
So Aria goes to the party with Spencer and CeCe . . . and it’s at the Kahn’s house! Apparently Noel has an older brother, Eric, who CeCe knows. AND the doorman at the party stamps them all with the same stamp that Maya saw Holden wearing at the church social. This is a strange party. Like, you’d think that the party would have been some rave at an underground club. Nope, everyone’s just hanging out at Noel’s house.
Inside, CeCe and Eric Kahn play a game of Truth, which is like Truth or Dare, except . . . it’s stupid. This is how these people choose to spend their time? Aria takes a turn with Noel and Spencer does the same with Jenna, and it’s supposed to be dramatic and tell us things, only it really doesn’t. Jenna really wants her tape of raping Toby back. Noel’s still pissed about Aria and Fitz. Okay, I’m so glad we spent time keeping us up to date on all of these special developments.
And somehow Spencer’s application gets to the mysterious “Stephen” and she’s being considered for Early Admission, but since most of this happens off screen, I remain wary.
Credits
Son of Gloved McEvilson is renting an apartment! From a cat lady! Well, that’s a thing that is happening. I need more champagne and more sleep.
So, what’d you guys think? I felt like this was a pretty weak filler episode, particularly after the last few weeks. I definitely do not trust CeCe and I wonder if they’re trying to remind us that Noel exists in time for the next A reveal, or if they’re just introducing more red herrings. Thoughts?
