Welcome back to Rosewood, readers. Hope your one-week vacay was far, far away from this portal to hell. If you need me, I’ll be in the comments trying to puzzle out all the things in this episode that did not make sense. See you on the flipside!
AWARDS
THIS WEEK’S MVP
I’m so glad to see Spencer getting back into her old Spencer-y ways – looking for clues, flirting with cops, being a great friend. And while I’m sad that it’s at the expense of her relationship with Caleb, I will say that she handled that breakup (and post-breakup Hanna huddle) like a champ.
THIS WEEK’S LVP
Ezra “I wasn’t wearing loungewear the first time I proposed so let’s try this a second time with a costume change” Fitz
BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE
That final shower scene, which I certainly didn’t see coming, and especially not in a way that was a wink and a nod in the direction of everyone who had dubbed her “Shower Harvey.”
BIGGEST NO-DUH
Tie between Aria saying “yes” to Ezra, and Spencer and Caleb ending things for good. We won’t get out of this show unless all original ships are back to port, no matter how much havoc it wreaks on the quality of the storytelling.
MOST QUESTIONABLE LIAR OUTFIT
Aria, clearly confused about Ezra’s proposal, chose to portray her mixed feelings through sweater fabrics this week.
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
Lord, where to start? The Liars ran over Elliott Rollins and buried him in the woods. Mary Drake moved into Alison’s house. Jenna Marshall came back to town and joined forces with Sara Harvey to make Team Super Creep. There was a lot of Haleb/Spaleb drama. Spencer made out with Detective Marco Fury (cue porn music) who happens to be heading up the Rollins case. Because Elliott might actually not be dead after all. Oh yeah, and Ezrugh proposed to Aria and we all tried to pretend like it didn’t happen.
THIS WEEK
Liars Summit, with the Red Jacket, at the Brew
Our Liars meet up for lattes and LiarLogic™ at Ezra’s Thanks-a-Latte. Hanna is certain that Elliott’s still alive, while Spencer thinks A.D. has started a fake trail that picks up right where theirs left off, and thus, A.D. must be Elliott’s partner in crime, and thus, A.D. must be Mary Drake or Jenna. Ali comes in and things go from zero to awkward real fracking fast when the Liars realize she’s wearing the red jacket they handed over to A.D.
As we’ve suspected all along, the wardrobe department is the true villain of this show.
Spencer swears they had no choice but to turn it over to A.D., but Alison is pissed that the Liars thought Hanna’s life was worth more than hers, and somehow shocked that after years of duplicity and subterfuge, the Liars would suspect her of something so shady. Haven’t they noticed? She dresses like a Sunday school teacher now! She is a changed person! Anyway, Ali has to rush home then for a briefing from Detective Marco Fury (bow chicka bow wow) and Spencer insists on coming along to make sure she’s safe. Because who better to sneak that jacket into Ali’s room than her new roomie Mary Drake?
At Ali’s, Marco Fury tells them that Elliott Rollins is actually Archer Dunhill, wanted in Wales for petty theft and fraud. The cops think all the evidence left by “Elliott” over the last few days was actually a fake trail he was using to make them think he’d left town, when he was probably still near by, lying in wait to pounce on poor Alison.
Spencer follows him out, wanting to clear the air about their heavy petting in the Radley elevator. “You’re investigating my friend’s husband. I wouldn’t want anything to get complicated,” she says. Because complicated is a thing everyone in Rosewood LOVES to avoid. But guess what? He’s like “Yeah okay sure” and shrugs and reacts like a totally respectable/non-garbage human being.
Hanna, with the Fake Diamond, at Rosewood PD Headquarters
Back at the Brew, Hanna is trying to navigate the even-scarier-than-Rosewood world of financial projections for her new fashion line when Elliott’s burner phone rings in her purse. When she answers, a British voice says, “Next time you bury someone, make sure they’re dead.”
She goes to Aria’s to freak out, making the *excellent* point that there was like a whole year where they thought Ali was dead and buried too, so they could def be wrong about Elliott. Aria, however, thinks the call came from someone trying to mess with them. “They probably want the burner phone back to protect themselves!” While Aria is talking Hanna down, she shady-buttons a second call from Ezra, so at this point, I think we can all agree that pillar candles are one of Aria’s top three turn offs.
Later, Aria finds Hanna sitting on the steps of the Rosewood police department. She was tempted to turn herself in, but changed her mind. Aria confesses that Ezra proposed to her, so Hanna, in turn confesses that she broke up with Jordan weeks ago. She takes off her fake ring and throws it into the bushes.
The Blind Girl, with the Flute, in the Hotel
At the Radley, Emily is bringing drinks to Ezra, who is in the lobby pouting about Aria ignoring him, when she sees Sara Harvey get into the elevator and go up to the third floor, just as she hears her co-bartender take a room service order for Miss Marshall, room 303.
Caleb appears with a duffle bag and joins Ezra for some shared man-pain. “Coming or going?” Ezra asks, nodding at Caleb’s duffle. “Haven’t you heard?” Caleb replies. “I’m a hobo. We carry our shit with us.” He tells Ezra that he and Spencer aren’t in a great place and he’s not sure why. Hmm…could it be because he kissed his ex-girlfriend, then treated his current girlfriend like garbage, then dumped a lot of intense emotional baggage on her through a mostly closed door at an inopportune time, then ghosted on her (Ravenswood joke!) before they could talk it out? I don’t know, probably not! He jokes that Ezra could “write a book” about everything he doesn’t know about Rosewood, which is a great joke actually because we all know Ezra can’t write books by himself.
Emily takes Jenna’s drink orders up to her room, where she finds her sitting primly on the couch playing her flute quite sexily and something about that entire tableau is just too hilarious for words. Without letting on who she is or worrying about the inappropriateness of it all considering that she was indirectly responsible for Jenna’s blindness, Emily sets the drinks on the desk and is clicking around on Jenna’s computer RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER when Sara Harvey comes in and catches her. Emily doesn’t try to deny anything, telling Jenna and Sara that someone’s threatening the Liars and she suspects that they are somehow involved with Elliott. So she threatens Jenna: she can turn her over to the police, or Jenna can fess up to what she’s doing in town.
And so, we are blessed with a Jenna flashback. Turns out, Jenna was the one who knew a guy who knew a guy and was able to get Elliott “past the board” and into NuRadley to be Charlotte’s “doctor.” (So much overlap between Rosewood’s medical and criminal justice fields.) Apparently, Jenna had been looking for Charlotte’s birth mother with little success. Charlotte tells Jenna that Alison was coming to meet her new doctor later that day, and she just feels so lucky that Archer knows everything about her and her past and still loves her and wants to get her out of there! So imagine Jenna’s surprise when, a few weeks later, she calls Archer to check in and *guess* who answered his cell phone?
Emily tries to leave but Sara follows her out, warning her that it’s not Jenna she should be afraid of, but whoever this mystery person is, we don’t find out, because Jenna barks at Sara to get back in that room and polish her flute.
Mary Drake, with the Crow Bar, at the Lost Woods Resort
After her bout of flirting with Detective Fury, Spencer goes to the Lost Woods Resort, thinking maybe Elliott’s hiding there, or at the least she can track down his credit card information or something useful. She reaches for the door knob and the door swings open, Mary Drake weilding a crowbar. She seems legitimately relieved that Spencer isn’t Elliott, and warns her that he is one dangerous dude. As Mary throws her stuff into bags, there’s a commotion outside. She hands Spencer the crowbar and tells her to be careful out there. Spencer takes the crowbar, but her face is like, “Damn, she is nuts.”
When Mary gets back, Alison has rifled through all her stuff and is lying in wait in the living room. “I’d like you to explain the gaps in your story,” she says threateningly. “You said you never met Charlotte, but when I met her she went by Cece Drake.” Mary is shocked (I think? Honestly, this chick is so cray it’s hard for me to tell when she’s being sincere and when she’s full of it.) and mutters to herself that Charlotte must’ve known about her. Then recalls a pretty horrifying story about a doctor “cutting him out of her” when Charlotte was born, and blaming Jessica for taking everything from her, including her own daughter. So, are we supposed to be surprised that Mary Drake was Charlotte’s birth mother? That’s definitely a thing we’ve known all along, right?
Later, after Emily has relayed Jenna’s flashback to Alison, Alison muses that Charlotte wasn’t her sister, or confidante, or even her friend at all. She didn’t know about Jenna or Mary Drake, or that Charlotte loved Archer – and look what happened! Alison married the guy! Charlotte was just using her to get out of NuRadley. Emily apologizes for the Liars turning her jacket over to A.D., and when she leaves, she passes by Alison’s security detail: the scary bald cop! This time, he reaches up and straightens his latex mask.
Spanna, with some Beer, at a Playground
Spencer meets Caleb back at the barn, where they acknowledge that Spaleb is truly over (sob!) and Spencer delivers this great line about how her heart had stopped after Toby, and with Caleb, she “got to remember what it felt like to be in love again.” He stands to leave (I type “he leaves” in my notes), then turns back to her (I hopefully erase “he leaves”), then heads back toward the door (I type, “he leaves” again). Sigh!
As sad as I am about the end of Spaleb, I am quite pleased to report that Spencer goes straight from her breakup to meet Hanna at a dark and sketchy playground, where they drink beer on the swings and finally realize that SPANNA is the most important ship on these turbulent waters. Hanna confesses to Spencer that she broke things off with Jordan, and Spencer tells her that she didn’t have to pretend for her sake, and that she should probably let Caleb know. Then Hanna tells Spencer about that time she dreamed her while she was kidnapped. “You were smart and preppy and ready to hatch an A plan.” She tells her that she must’ve internalized all of Spencer’s smarts over the years, and it ended up saving her life. *swoon* This wonderful moment is interrupted by the burner phone, where Elliott’s British voice thanks them for leaving Alison all alone. They call Alison to warn her, so she invites the scary, bald cop into the house until they can get there. But of course, he disappears first thing, and when she looks for him in her dark bedroom – he’s written something on the wall and attacks her from behind, smashing her head against the mirror. Cop sirens are heard in the distance, and he manages to get away without being caught.
Detective Marco Fury is pissed as hell, and ready to catch that SOB. Spencer and Hanna rush to Alison’s side – WHY IS SHE STILL SITTING IN THE ROOM WHERE SHE WAS ATTACKED – and she tells them everything that happened. Hanna and Spencer, realizing there’s only one way to know for sure if Elliott is dead, go back to the woods and dig up his shallow grave. And sho’ nuff, there he is, dead as a door nail.
Ezriugh, with the Proposal, Buried Under a Pile of Old Pillar Candles
Aria spends most of this episode moping around in the world’s ugliest sweatshirt, convinced that the reason she shouldn’t marry Ezra is because she will ruin his life, and not for the completely legitimate thirty other reasons why he has ruined hers. But eventually, she gives in and goes to his pillar-candle-filled apartment to come clean about the Liars killing Elliott. Ezra considers this for the length of Alison’s attack plus one commercial break. Aria, too caught up in her own relationship drama to go down Rosewood’s literal one street to check on Alison, waits patiently across the room until Ezra crosses over to her and – as though once weren’t punishment enough – the writers make us sit through a SECOND PROPOSAL DEAR GOD HELP US ALL. This time, unfortunately, Aria says yes, and Ezra, PLL’s walking, talking example of humanized white boy privilege, gets to live happily ever after, even after years of committing unspeakable acts that other characters have been institutionalized, arrested and murdered for. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Vague Villain Tag
Shower Harvey was barked at one too many times this episode, so she is packing her bags and sneaking out of the Radley while she can. Unfortunately, when she swings open the hotel room door, someone’s waiting for her outside. Someone, it would seem from her expression, she was NOT expecting.
Later, a Radley housekeeper is cleaning the hotel room and notices the shower running. She peeks into the bathroom to find Shower Harvey dead…in the shower.
Tell her family she died doing what she loved.
Later, someone takes off their latex mask and sets it on the desk as they watch video footage of Spencer and Hanna digging up Elliott Rollin’s shallow grave. Next to the desk, a box is labeled “Charlotte’s books.”
NEXT WEEK
Jason’s back and he’s got Jesus hair, folks! Also, looks like the FBI has finally noticed the inordinate amount of murderiness happening in this small Pennsylvania town, so they’ve come to check things out. Liars beware!
Kisses bitches,
rosemAry
