This was one bloody week on Reign. Didn’t you love it? ME TOO.
The Intrigue
- Mary and Francis are back from their honeymoon and ready to get busy procreating. Now that she and Mary are “fast friends”, Catherine offers up various potions to help Mary get knocked up ASAP.
- The Archduke of Bohemia and his sister are visiting the court and Henry introduces him to Kenna as a potential suitor, with the warning that the Archduke is pious and will be looking for a virginal bride.
- Bash did not go to Spain as everyone assumes but is out hunting in the snowy woods. (Real snow this time! Good job, show.) He meets a hot hunter girl and her brother. But then Francis’s ex, Olivia, crawls out of the woods, all bitten up. The hunters say she has been “touched by darkness”. And I sigh over more pseudo-pagan crap.
- Henry is getting it on with the Archduke’s sister when he accidentally screws her right out of the bedroom window, and she falls to her death. WHAT. Henry goes to Catherine for help covering up the Duchess’s death. For her country! But my girl Catherine is all “What’s in it for me?” As would we all.
- Kenna figures out that Lola is pregnant, and of course it’s Francis’s. Kenna thinks this is a great way to secure her place at court. But Lola doesn’t want that kind of position, and wants to find out how to end the pregnancy.
- Bash brings Olivia to Nostradamus. The prophet hilariously tells Bash that he doesn’t believe in evil things that require blood. Later, the priest comes in looking to score some more of Nostradamus’s pain potions. He finds feral Olivia, who stabs him in the heart with his own crucifix necklace. WHAT.
- Bash tells Mary that Francis hates him and tried to have him killed. Francis denies it, but he’s so pissed at Bash for telling her, that he actually might try to do so now.
- Henry and Catherine on their hands and knees, scrubbing Duchess blood off the floor and wondering how the servants get things clean, is pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened. They craft a fake suicide note that the Archduke immediately sees through. Catherine invents a story on the spot that’s uncomfortably close to the truth, about the Duchess and her secret lover. They present the body of the slain priest as the “lover” who was accidentally tortured to death while being questioned about the Duchess. Henry feels romantic towards Catherine after their shared deception. Catherine speaks for us all when she tells him, “Henry, don’t ruin it.”
- Kenna spills the beans about Lola heading off for an abortion (because of course she does). Mary enlists Bash’s help to go after her. Mary urgently tries to talk Lola out of going through with it, and then realizes the reason Lola is so insistent is because it is Francis’s baby.
- Henry plays with Kenna by his chamber’s open window, with the creepiest look on his face. Kenna, you in danger, girl.
History According to Reign
- By about 1559, the “Archduke of Bohemia” actually held the title of King, and Holy Roman Emperor. Wikipedia does not confirm whether or not his sister was killed in a sex accident with King Henry of France.
- The scary garden tool looking implements in the abortionist’s shed are probably all too accurate. However, it seems like a lady of the French court would have access to various herbal abortifacients. Like the kind that Nostradamus probably has in his cabinet.
Number of Times I Forgot I Wasn’t Watching Gossip Girl: 2
1. Lola asks Mary not to tell anyone (including Francis) about the baby until she’s figured out what to do. Secret babies have a way of never staying secrets.
2. “We are royals. We have the power to do terrible things.” Royals, rich people, same difference.
Next week: Kenna and Catherine suspect that Henry is a murderer. Mary wants Lola is to “fix the problem”.
