- Reality TV
Fix: Preternaturally Beautiful Youngsters Making Terrible Decisions, Luxe Getaways In No Way Paid For By The Producers, Why Are You Always Naked
Best known as one of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Lisa Vanderpump opens the salacious kitchen doors of her exclusive Hollywood restaurant and lounge, SUR.
What could go wrong when you gather up a bunch of young, attractive singles, put them to work in a West Hollywood restaurant, and pour a lot of alcohol on top? The answer is nothing: gather ye popcorn and your beverages to throw in your friends’ faces, because we are roadtripping to LA to worship at the temple of youth and vigor. If you’re going to watch reality TV, you owe it to yourself to pick the show with the most sun-kissed drama. Sure, it’s mostly contrived, but when you get to witness fights like this, who are we to complain?
Unless you avidly follow the careers of young restaurant workers with questionable judgment (and I do), there is only one familiar face on this show.
Lisa is a familiar face if you also watch the Real Housewives franchise (and I do). If you’re unfamiliar with her because you haven’t yet given into the sweet siren song of dramatic rich ladies having opinions, she is the owner of SUR (Sexy Unique Restaurant, natch) and has a lovely accent which helps hide the fact that she’s an unabashed shit disturber. I love her.
This is also how I enter a room.
Let’s meet the rest of your new summertime besties (the main players) anyway:
Stassi is convinced she is a princess and gives us lines like, “We’re not, like, rich with money…but we’re rich in awesomeness.” Relatable. Her parents gave her a chin implant as a gift. That’s also normal.
Kristen is the sort of reality star that makes me think, “thank heavens my twenties were not broadcast to the world.” She has one setting, and that is “nuclear.” Sometimes I have to watch her from behind my own hands. Watching her turns me into the living embodiment of the cringe emoji.
If you recognize Scheana, it’s because she had an affair with the actor (and husband of Leann Rimes) Eddie Cibrian. Originally, I thought she had to have known he was married, but after watching seven seasons of this show, I’ve changed my mind.
Katie likes to drink and start shit, but otherwise is pleasantly boring. I more or less like her, as much as I like anyone on the show, but she is a terrible tarot reader.
It really makes me angry that dark-haired Tom Sandoval is not actually Tom Schwartz. My brain really wants his name and his hair to match up.
Tom Schwartz is a mostly lovable fool. Also, these are two different people who will eventually go on to open a bar together called “Tom Tom.” I don’t make the rules.
Jax is the world’s worst person in a stretched-out steroid suit. Later in the show, he is supposedly transformed by love. I don’t believe it.
Couch-Sharing Capability: Mandatory
Selfishly, I need you all to get addicted to this show. You can blame my mother, who is responsible for getting me hooked—there’s nothing quite like sitting in your sweatpants, stuffing your face with junk food and drinking wine, passing judgment upon womb-fresh humans who are laughing all the way to the bank. Ha HAAA! You may be financially and physically blessed, but I! I have the moral high ground!
Then you can go to the Vanderpump restaurant empire when you’re in LA (my mommy forced me to go and I definitely did not enjoy the novelty at all, which is why I’m posting these photos). Pro tip: go for happy hour and focus on Pump, which is literally around the corner from SUR and has a gorgeous garden. The ahi appetizer was ridiculously good. I haven’t been to Tom Tom, but if I ever brave the smog again, I suspect it will happen.
Recommended Level of Inebriation: Yes
But whatever you do, don’t drink when they drink. It never ends well for them, and it definitely won’t end well for us.