Title: Sweet Valley High S1.E06 “Almost Married”
Released: 1994

Previous episode: “What, Me Study?”

Oh man, doesn’t the title of this post strike fear into your heart? Who would want to marry anyone from Sweet Valley? Except, I guess, for the other people in Sweet Valley. They’re all in this sort of cult wherein they think they’re all amazing. I’m reading a book about a cult right now, but luckily everyone in that book just kills and/or has sex with each other. Much more to my liking.

Credits! My cat has started perking his ears up when he hears the theme music for this show. Then he gets a panicked look on his face and flees – well, lumbers, in point of fact. He’s kind of chunky, my cat – under my bed to get away from the show. I have to think something in his keen kitty brain understands when he is in danger of wanting to drive nails into his skull to get away from the two blonde assholes. Clearly humans lost this ability, either through evolution or the repeated application of vodka to brain cells.

The show begins with Liz and Todd applying their tongues to each other’s mouths. Annnnd, I already need to refresh my drink. This show, I swear. Why does it do this stuff to me?

Is Liz wearing a dickie?

Liz has to go, because she’s about to miss curfew, and Todd moans that her parents, like, care that she’s home at a decent hour. (Man! Parents just don’t understand, am I right, DJ Jazzy Jeff?) Liz says that her curfew won’t be a problem this weekend, cause The Wakefield Parents are going out of town. Have we even met Alice and Ned yet on this show? I realize I’ve only been doing this for six weeks, but I have a really bad short term memory (can’t imagine why) and I can’t remember if they’ve graced us with their youthful presence yet. If not, then who has been around to give the twins sage advice and pick on Jessica for things that she did fucking four years ago?

Todd has to leave town this weekend because his house is being painted. He’s not looking forward to it, because he has to stay with his cousins, who polka. WHATEVER, Todd! Here is what I have learned from my 31 long years of living in a German-settled state (well, okay, and Mexican-settled, which is why Texas is such a wonderful blend of culinary delights!): people who polka also drink beer and eat bratwurst. And these are the people who you want to befriend. I have, like, a little collective of German friends who I call upon when I want some hot sausage in my mouth – and no, I don’t mean that as a euphemism, cause “euphemism” means “the substitution of an agreeable expression for one that might offend” and although eating sausage is WAY more agreeable than giving a beej, I’m not particularly offended by blow jobs. I mean, I guess some people probably are, but not me. But I don’t like them as much as I like bratwurst. You can’t put mustard on a blow job. Well, you could, but I think that might not be too nice for the other participant? But anyway, let us not get on that topic, because I can hear certain people of my acquaintance grinding their teeth from here.

The point is that German food is delicious. That’s what I’m saying. Go to your cousin’s house, Todd, and shove your complaining mouth full of some sauerkraut. I’d introduce Todd to The Auslander in Fredericksburg, TX, but obvs Todd does not deserve to eat at an establishment as fine as that one. I wonder if The Auslander will give me a free bratwurst sandwich for this plug, but probably not because I was just talking about oral sex. Damnit! One day I’ll learn to comport myself in a manner befitting a girl who gets coupons for free sausage!

Anyway. Moving on. Todd offers to come stay with Liz for the weekend, making Todd officially the worst person in the WORLD. Who does that, with the offering to stay? He didn’t ask, like “Could I possibly stay with you?” He was just all, “Hey, I’ll move in this weekend; it’ll be a blast!” That is my number one pet peeve in people, I think. Granted I am a bit weird in this way (well, in every way), because when I host people at my place it sends me into a tailspin of frenzied cleaning and ulcer flare-ups. What if they don’t like my plates? What if they don’t like the food I cook? There’s an old stain on this carpet that I can’t remove with a steam cleaner! THEY’RE GONNA HATE MEEEE! But that’s just when I invite people over! And have time to prepare! Sometimes people just SHOW UP, like, “Hey! I’m going to crash at your place for a few days; is that cool?” NO IT IS NOT COOL. IT IS NEVER COOL. Fucking call in advance and ASK.

Am I the only person who feels this way? One time a guy showed up at my place (we lived in different towns) and I was so shocked that I threw a book at his head. Not, like, intentionally, or to hurt him or anything like that. I think he just triggered my “INTRUDER ALERT!” panic. Frankly he was lucky I was only carrying a book in my hand and not cleaning a gun (though obvs if I were cleaning a gun, it would be unloaded. But it would still hurt more if I threw it.) Just recently, a person who I know showed up at his long-distance girlfriend’s house to visit. For like a week. Without calling. Just . . . just came. As a surprise.

I hate surprises, and that’s on me, obviously, but is this rational behavior?? Please someone tell me that I am not the only one who feels this way!

At school, some guy named Morgan and Lila are walking down the hall, doing their best to date this show insanely by complaining that the Soundgarden concert is sold out. Oh, man! Not Soundgarden!! What will we do without Chris Cornell telling us all how music works? Lila tells Marcus that she’ll check with Winston, who apparently can get tickets to everything. Jessica, wearing a babydoll dress over a shirt (drink!), hears this and smiles deviously (drink!). She flounces off to find Winston and basically steals his tickets in exchange for less than a fistful of dollars, while telling Winston and Liz that she plans to take Morgan to the concert.

Jessica walks over to where Todd and Morgan are talking (it’s nice how this never-before-seen character has so many friends) and makes up some excuse to get Todd to leave. Then she tells Morgan that Lila procured tickets for Swan Lake. Morgan looks like he smells wet cheese as he denounces a love of ballet. I guess Swan Lake would be dull if Nina Sayers wasn’t dancing around and stabbing things. Jessica suggests that Morgan skip out on Lila and go to the concert with her.

Morgan, you’ll notice, is wearing a flannel vest. So . . . there’s that.

At the Palatial Spanish-Tiled Wakefield Manor, Liz and Todd are making out and celebrating their weekend of being free to go to second base. Jess comes in and interrupts them and shoots an arch look at Todd’s underwear (which have, what? Sprung free from his bag on their own accord?). Liz hurries after her.

Upstairs, Jess blackmails Liz into letting her throw a party – “a small gathering” – and handing over Alice’s credit card. Jess plans to buy a new dress on the card and then return it the next day. Oh, I can’t see anything going wrong with that scenario!

The problem with emergency credit cards is that you still have to pay them off.

Shopping Montage!! CHUG!!! Only this shopping montage is at a grocery store, and it features Todd and Liz, so you might want to chug even faster to kill the pain. Lots of shots of Liz and Todd frolicking in the grocery store, crashing into displays, etc. They seem so congenial. People don’t like to go to the grocery store with me because I get very bitchy and controlling when I’m there. (Okay, more bitchy and controlling.) Like, I have to have my shopping list written out in the order that the item is located in the store, which also means I have to walk down the aisles a certain way (from back to front of store in even-numbered aisles, and from front of store to back on odd-numbered aisles, but always starting with produce, obviously, and ending with Ziploc bags, if needed). I also get irrationally concerned with how the cart is being pushed and the flow of people traffic around the aisle corners. My boyfriend and I rarely ever argue, but the grocery store has been a very real testing ground. If we ever go into couples counseling, I’m assuming that a large part of it will be directly related to grocery shopping.

At the checkout, Liz doesn’t have enough money to cover the groceries. Todd can only contribute a tenner, so something has to go back. The two argue about what they don’t need, pissing off everyone behind them. Oh, those wacky kids! They thought they were so ready to be adults, but they can’t make the hard decisions, like whether to buy Cap’n Crunch cereal or Ruffles sour cream and onion chips! You can’t be an adult until you figure that stuff out, you guys!

Also, Liz apparently is buying tabouleh, but it’s coming IN A BOX. WHAAA? Clearly either the person who wrote this episode or the props person who worked on this episode does not understand what tabouleh is. I blame the script supervisor, personally. It’s their job to catch this shit.

At the Palatial Spanish-Tiled Wakefield Manor, Todd has set the table for a romantic dinner, using the Wakefield’s best china and Gordon mustard. He has prepared for them veal, which Liz won’t eat, because I guess the poor baby cows are more important than the dead chickens or adult cows or baby pigs or adult pigs that she eats? Todd is totally bummed, dude.

Are they eating dinner or sacrificing goat’s blood to Satan?

Jess comes home and interrupts the dinner. Todd makes a comment that hints that he never gets past second base with Liz. No offense, Todd, but you look like an ape. I wouldn’t let you paw at my breasts either.

Later, Liz and Todd sit down to watch TV, but Todd steals the remote and turns it to the Lakers game. Blah blah men only care about sports blah blah women just want to talk blah blah let’s move on.

It’s nighttime! Todd can’t sleep so he DRIBBLES A BASKETBALL into the kitchen and then drinks milk from the carton. Honestly. This is just cartoon bullshit at this point. Any second I expect Gallant to appear and be all “Goofus is a terrible houseguest, but Gallant makes his bed and goes down on the lady of the house for at least two hours!”

Morning time! Jess is on the phone with Lila, telling her that the party HAS to be small or she’ll get in trouble. Lila, of course, tells everyone about the party, cause of how Jessica stole her Soundgarden date away.

Meanwhile, Todd is refusing to wear a shirt and searching for the Sports page in the paper. Liz threw it out! How dare she! Jesus, wake me when this stupid gendered bullshit is over, please.


It’s nighttime! Night time is Party time!! Jessica is wearing the dress she bought, while Liz “dresses up” for the party in her finest acid-wash denim and patchwork vest. Does that girl not own a mirror? Liz and Jess discuss how big a help Lila has been for the party and also how much Liz wants to cut Todd’s balls off.

You’re making that outfit worse, Liz.

Todd enters Liz’s room as Jess leaves. He thinks they should leave and spend some time alone together. Um, couldn’t you have done that, like, all weekend? Or even just stay upstairs and make out in her bedroom? Do these people know ANYTHING about being a teenager? I was the lamest teenager around, but trust me, if my parents had ever trusted me enough to leave me alone for the weekend (they obviously did not, though that was in part because my younger brother was too much for any one person to handle for more than a few hours at a time), I sure as hell would have been bringing boys to my room. Hell, I would have installed a rotating door for said boys! Then, um, somehow convinced boys to come make out with me. Well, that part was never very clear! But somehow I was going to convince them and then bring them over to my house; I knew I could do it!

The party is, of course, huge by tv standards, by which I mean that there are about thirty people in the house. TV, talk to me when you can’t actually move to get to the bathroom because the entire room is full of people either dancing, fornicating or taking drugs. That’s a party.

Liz freaks out and demands Jessica to kick everyone out. Then Todd gets all butthurt for some reason and says he’s leaving. Then Winston tries to Donald O’Conner his way into my heart (not happening, Win) by standing up on the back of a chair and riding it to the ground. He falls, of course, dumping dip all over Jessica’s dress.

A crude ending for the crudite.

Liz somehow blames Todd for all of this. I mean, I blame Todd, too, but mostly just for existing.

It’s the next day! Is this episode almost over? I hope so! I’ve already written 2200 words about this thing and I emptied my drink a thousand words ago. Todd tells Liz that he’s going to spend the rest of the weekend at Winston’s house. Liz is fine with that, since Todd ignored her for sports all weekend. Well, Liz trashed his gourmet dinner! Blah blah blah boys like sports and girls are ungrateful bitches blah blah blah!

Jessica storms in and dumps her ruined dress on Liz, telling her that this is her fault, since she’s the one who was responsible for the credit card. (Honestly, Sweet Valley TV writers: Jessica may be devious and she may be flighty, but she isn’t STUPID. And usually her arguments have SOME basis in logic. Try harder, please.) Jess flounces off and Todd vows to help Liz fix this.

Jess is upstairs getting ready for SOUNDGARDEN (wearing the most inappropriate outfit a person could wear to a grunge concert, bee tee dubs), but she can’t find the tickets! Oh noes! Liz, it turns out, has sold them to Lila so that she could pay off the credit card bill.

This is exactly how people dress to go to Soundgarden concerts.

Um, here’s a question. This is before online bill paying and even over-the-phone bill paying. How did she pay off a charge from YESTERDAY? Please can someone explain this to me? Preferably someone who has a good FICA score; maybe you guys know something the rest of us don’t?

Lila stops by the Palatial Spanish-Tiled Wakefield Manor to rub her victory in Jessica’s face. Lila is dressed even more inappropriately than Jessica, in some sort of 60’s French Airline Stewardess costume. Then she tra-la-las off to her limo, where Morgan is waiting, to go to the concert.

But never fear! Jess can still go to the concert! Because Winston has arrived in his sweet bug convertible! He has extra tickets! Because this show has mistaken Jessica’s conniving nature for outright bitchery, Jess steals one of Winston’s tickets and then goes back to the house to borrow the jeep (drink!) keys from Liz. But, oops! The Jeep’s out of gas! Jessica had the emergency credit card, after all, and Liz had no way to pay!

Meanwhile, of course, Winston has driven off, leaving Jess to run after him.

Liz and Todd go back inside and talk about their feelings and how they weren’t prepared for living together (for two days). They make up and start making out as the porn music rachets up to 11. But then Ned and Alice come home early! Oh noes! The comedy trumpet plays us out on a wah-wah-waaaaah.

And that’s it for this week, folks! Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to see if I can run into some displays at the grocery store! Till next week, don’t let your forehead eat your eyebrows.

This post was written by a guest writer or former contributor for Forever Young Adult.