Title: Sweet Valley High S1.E08 “The Prince of Santa Dora”
Released: 1994

Previous episode: “The Curse of the Lawrence Mansion”

You GUYS. How am I supposed to concentrate on stupid Liz and Jess Wakefield when I’m 12 short hours away from boarding a plane and flying to New York for BEA?! (Holy Crap, I’m twelve short hours away! I should be sleeping!) 80% of FYA have tons of fun plans for this week: 1) Drinking and 2) Drinking some more), and we are anxious to get started on them!

But before we do that, it is obviously imperative that we catch up on what Liz and Jess have been doing lately. Look, obviously the Rapture didn’t happen this weekend, but who knows? It could happen any day now! And if you’re going to be Judged, then what you need is an example, someone you can point to and say, “Look, Jesus/Buddha/Krishna/God/Santa Claus/Thor, I may have accidentally been promiscuous during ’98 to ’11, but have you SEEN the Wakefields? They are WAY worse.” And then you will get to go to Heaven or Mount Olympus or whatever, hooray!

Credits. Orgasmic undulations, simple A/B/C/B rhyming sequence, etc.

It’s school! Hooray! The kids go to this school called Sweet Valley High. You may have heard of it. Jessica frantically gets Liz’s attention and motions her into the hall. Jessica is dressed like a 90s flight attendant who has a night job at C&C Music Factory. Liz is dressed, as usual, as a self-loathing lesbian who thinks fashion is just another way for the patriarchy to put us down. (I mean, fashion IS just another way for the patriarchy to put us down, but that still does not excuse shoulder pads.)

Liz, I think Katie Couric owned this outfit. When she was a junior news anchor on the local nightly news.

Outside in the hall, . . . oh, I can’t go on. I have to stop for a second and catch my breath. Excuse me!

Okay! Okay! I’m back. So out in the hall is this guy wearing a blazer with a CREST emblazoned on it. This is Prince Arthur, Liz’s long-time pen pal. This guy . . . this guy. Man. So instead of trying for some sort of quasi-European accent, as is the Method of most actors when portraying royalty, this guy is just speaking in a Northern Californian accent. But. You see. He is pausing. Every few seconds. In order to display. His good breeding.

This guy is a drinking game unto himself. Let us all lift our glasses to Prince Arthur of Sacramento Santa Dora! Long live the King!

Todd comes over and gets all hulking jealous basketball player at first, but then basically licks the soles of Prince Arthur of Sacramento Santa Dora’s feet during his grovelling. Prince Arthur would like to spend the little time that he has going to lunch with Liz. Prince Arthur, do you have some self-loathing issues that need to be dealt with?

Oh, I have neglected to mention Prince Arthur’s entourage. They are wearing multi-colored blazers and polo shirts. No lie.

At the Shoddy Replacement for the Dairi Burger, Prince Arthur of Sacramento Santa Dora has rented out the entire restaurant. How fancy! The whole restaurant! Now I don’t have to share my pre-frozen burger and ore-ida French fries with anyone! Oh, happy day!

Liz would like to take Prince Arthur on a tour of Sweet Valley, but Prince Arthur is very busy! He has to talk with business investors (in Sweet Valley?) and then fly to Washington to, no lie, TESTIFY BEFORE CONGRESS. Oh, man. I really want to meet whoever wrote this episode of SVH TV and shake their hand. And then steal their flask from their other hand, cause I bet it’s filled with good stuff. Cause WHAT IS THIS?

This is Prince Arthur. He is very busy and important.

Lila sneaks into The Shoddy Replacement for the Dairi Burger and Paolo, Prince Arthur’s be-blazered security guard, tries to stop her. It’s good to know he’s there for something, I guess? Stopping weird redheads who constantly dress like French flight attendants. Thanks for looking out for our safety, Paolo!

Lila invites Prince Arthur to a party held in his honor. FINALLY! Finally our Lila is acting like herself again! She may not be flipping her hair dismissively, but at least she’s hosting random parties in people’s honor again. Jessica invites herself to be Prince Arthur’s date. He looks happy about that, if his tiny erection is any indication.

At the Palatial Spanish-Tiled Wakefield Manor, Jess and Liz are grooming and discussing Prince Arthur. Jess keeps patting at her face with a cotton wad. Your face is going to stay there, Jessica, no matter how many times you dab at it. Jessica thinks Prince Arthur needs a little loosening up. The porno music soundtrack kicks in to signal its agreement. Bom chicka bow wow.

The sexy pj styling of the Wakefield twins. Not a good look, Liz.

At school, Winston is putting something in his locker when Lila approaches him. Lila is dressed like one of the kids in Professor Harold Hill’s imaginary marching band. Seventy-six trombones reflected Lila’s outfit! Yet one hundred and ten coronets couldn’t convince her to change! There were rows and rows of other, better clothes, the cream of every major fashion label!

Lila is there to invite Winston to the party she’s throwing for Prince Arthur. Winston, it bears pointing out, has CUT OUT PHOTOS OF JESSICA AND TAPED THEM TO THE INSIDE OF HIS LOCKER. I’m sorry, but no. No. Middle-grade stalking is NOT ALLOWED.

It becomes evident that Lila is inviting Winston so that he’ll hit on Jessica all night, thus leaving Prince Arthur free for Lila. A clever plan, Lila, but you forget that Prince Arthur is obviously in love with Elizabeth – because everyone is, obviously – and your red hair and marching band outfits will not provide a proper consolation prize.

At the Shoddy Replacement for the Dairi Burger, Prince Arthur’s security detail has once again cleared the place out. Prince Arthur sits down with Jessica, Todd and Liz, the latter of whom sticks an ugly SVH ball cap on his head. Then, through some SUPER DEVIOUS trickery which involves Winston putting on a funny accent, Paolo the Security Guard is distracted and Jessica and Prince Arthur sneak away. Wacky! Hijinks! Ensue!

Ha ha! We really put one over on that security guard in the blazer!

Jessica and Prince Arthur go to the beach, which is full of old Craftsman buildings and red-painted barns. Where was this stupid show filmed, New Hampshire? They montage a bit with their cute beach whimsy, until a couple of ladies, uh, recognize Prince Arthur? Prince Arthur of Santa Dora? SERIOUSLY?

More montage! Frolicking in the surf! Taking photos! Giggling! Rollerblading! Jessica has worn three outfits during this montage, because she is MAGIC. Chug! Lots of chugging! Keep chugging!

Anyway, Prince Arthur of the Heavy Breathing and Copious Chest Hair tries to kiss Jessica, but she runs away. Aww. That means she LIKES him.

They seriously shot at this angle for like a full minute.

Random aside!! I’m in the ATL airport on my way to BEA, finishing this post up. And for a few minutes I thought I was sitting across from Adam Scott, of Party Down and Parks and Recreation and My Nightly Dreams fame! I was so worried about this, because I figured he’d want to hang out with me – cause that’s how the dreams start, you see – but then he’d find out I was watching Sweet Valley High and then he would scorn me!

But it turned out that it wasn’t Adam Scott, and was just a particularly fox-faced fellow passenger in a sweater vest. Phew!

On the beach, the sun sets while Prince Arthur gives Jessica a piece of the Berlin Wall, or something. I don’t know. Then he tells her he’s falling in love with her (after a DAY?) and then they kiss. The music, much like Prince Arthur’s penis, swells.

He’s never gonna give her up, he’s never gonna let her down.

At the Shoddy Replacement for the Dairi Burger, Paolo informs Liz, Todd and Lila that Prince Arthur is already engaged! To Lady Isabella Rondovi, or something like that! I don’t know! He kind of muddled the name with his dumb fake accent (although at least he’s TRYING, unlike Prince Arthur of Sacramento)! The point is that Arthur is a TAKEN MAN!

Lila seems thrilled by this news.

Jessica is fantasizing about being a royal while fixing her hair in the bathroom. Jessica, two pieces of advice. 1) Don’t marry royalty, or the tabloids will start speculating on your fuckin’ fertility, like, TWO WEEKS after you get married. 2) That hairstyle is UNSANE. Not in a good way.

Liz tries to warn Jess about Prince Arthur’s betrothment, but can’t get the words out. Jess, meanwhile, is over the moon. And has the worst hairstyle evs.

What? Why? What?

Downstairs in the Palatial Spanish-Tiled Wakefield Manor, Todd and Liz discuss how best to let Jessica know that her new boyfriend is engaged to marry Lady Lotsa Vowels. Jessica interrupts them by descending down the stairs dressed like fuckin’ Grace Kelly at her coronation. She thinks Prince Arthur’s going to propose! Oh, Jessica.

Did you purchase this dress at Lisettes?

It’s the party! Everyone dances! Jessica’s dress has a big bow on the butt! Enid is wearing this weird quasi-plaid ensemble and tries (and fails) to hit on Paolo! Dance! Dance!

Lila takes the floor and announces Prince Arthur’s engagement to Lady Lotsa Vowels. Jessica is so upset! How could he? She gives him back the piece of Berlin Wall and runs out.

Prince Arthur comes outside to find Jessica and explains about his arranged marriage. They come from different worlds! She, Jessica, comes from Sweet Valley and he, Arthur, comes from Sacramento! But he’s going to talk to his father and get out of the engagement! They make plans to meet the following evening. I make plans to find the airport bar.

Arthur, of course, stands Jessica up. She cries and cries. You just don’t understand his world, Jessica! You don’t understand his duty to the people of Sacramento! Meanwhile, flashbacks of their time remind us of all the things WE JUST SAW.

Sad Jessica is sad.

At the Palatial Spanish-Tiled Wakefield Manor, Jessica receives a note from Arthur. He was unexpectedly called away! To serve the people of Sacramento! He loves her! And he gave her back the Berlin Wall. Aww, isn’t that . . . sweet?

And that’s IT for this week, folks! I hope you guys are having a fabulous week, and be sure to check our Twitter/Facebook feed for all the latest in BEA news! Stay blonde, bitches!

Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink.