It’s schooltime! The girls are discussing Ian and Melissa’s ex-relationship, for no reason at all except to remind the viewers that Ian and Melissa used to date,when Mona comes up to invite her bestie, and her bestie’s other friends, to her birthday party. It’s Camp Mona! Don’t worry! It’s glamping, not camping, which means people get massages and happy endings, not chiggers and body odor. The girls are not all that fussed about the idea of Camp Mona, until they get simultaneous texts from A telling them that she’ll be at the party. Ooh, intrigue!
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Oh, that commercial for Vampires Suck is on. I forgot that movie existed. I am sure that the movie did the predictable 3.1 million at the box office before going to video, but it reminds me A) how stupid it looked, B) how over the “parody” movies I am, and C) that jokes about dating Chris Brown really aren’t that funny. I mean, I guess if you’re a hack Hollywood screenwriter with very little imagination and are selling out just to afford your rent money, jokes about domestic violence are hi-fuckin-larious, but for the rest of us, take a tip: jokes about someone beating their girlfriend (or boyfriend) UNRECOGNIZABLE aren’t funny.
Back to the show. Hanna’s mother is on the phone, reciting the same sort of things I say to automatic bill-paying or customer service lines. Can’t anyone fucking answer the phone anymore? Mona shows up and wants Hanna to blow off school for shopping and lunch at some expensive restaurant. Hanna’s mom isn’t so thrilled with the idea; nor is Hanna. Mona’s all, “No! This is the line in the sand! You will skip school and dine with me or we will no longer be friends!” Hanna tries to explain that she’s too poor for this business, but to save face, Hanna’s mom thrusts 100 bucks at her. Hanna’s mom, you can save face with me!
Aria’s house. Blah blah Aria is taking over Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride’s role as domestic goddess blah blah Chad Lowe is stressed about all he has to do blah blah moving on. Chad Lowe’s face is so infinitely punchable. I dare you to look at him and not want to punch it. Go on! Try it!
Waspy wasp wasps, buzzing in their tree.
Spencer’s house. Melissa’s there, being her usual bitchy WASP self. Ian has asked Melissa out for coffee! She said no! Spencer is still really upset about putting her tongue in her sister’s fiance’s mouth!
Flashback! Drink! Spencer and Ian are hitting on each other while doing WASP activities. Why are all of Melissa’s boyfriends interested in her 15 year old sister? That shit is gross. Stop dating pervs, Melissa!
Then Spencer and Ian are swapping spit, and Ali shows up and is all, ew gross! You’re a skank! Ali needs to get over it. It’s not like she’s dating one of them . . .
Oh, Fitz. Find someone your own age. Like me!
School! That guy who Aria is dating whose name I can’t remember and Aria are talking. Hot Teacher Hookup gives them the beady eyes of inappropriate jealousy. Fitz is more passive-aggressive than my mother: “You don’t owe me an explanation, Aria. You can date whoever you want. Obvs.”
The girls are called to the office, which means that Hanna has to bail on her date with Mona. Mona is . . . displeased. An FBI agent walks into the office and introduces herself. Spencer helps out the folks too drunk to catch up: “FBI?”
The FBI have been brought in to investigate Alison’s murder. The FBI agent has a video she’d like to show the girls. Alison is talking on the video we saw on the last episode. “I know you wanna kiss me.” Alison, you have poor acting abilities for your secret lover. (Also, how sweetly tame! Usually when teenagers make video recordings with people they date, well . . . you know.)
Spencer says that Ali was dating an older boy, but only knew enough to “make it a secret.” (Drink!) The FBI agent is all, “Secrets were made to be found out over time!” That is the clumsiest line I’ve ever heard. Also, drink some more!
Hanna’s mother’s place of business. Hanna’s mom can’t pay the mortgage, because she’s po’ and apparently isn’t getting any sort of alimony or child support from her ex-husband. Some old lady comes by to visit her safe deposit box. The old lady pulls out a wad of cash while telling Hanna’s mom about how she has no more friends or family left. Oh, Old Lady. You’re bringing this upon yourself. Hanna’s mom is, of course, going to steal the money.
School. Aria opens her locker to find a poetry anthology that A has left her. Fitz has written a poem about Aria. Of course he fucking has. “B-26. It’s a number, it’s a song, it’s a girl.” Fitz, go back to creative writing class.
Some stranger comes up to Hanna and asks her for the name of her liposuction doctor. Hanna, give it to me too! Mona says that A sent her a text telling her that Hanna got lipo to get skinny. She uninvites Hanna from her party. Bitchily, natch.
Oh, blah, Aria’s sad cause Fitz loves her or something? Have you ever noticed how, in these skeevy older gentlement-younger lady relationships, the younger lady is typically rational and not a psycho freak, while the older gentleman cries all the damn time and wants to talk about his stupid feelings? I mean, I’m just sayin’.
Spencer finally comes clean to her friends about her repeated “moments” with her sister’s boyfriends. Meanwhile, the cops have finally issued a warrant for Toby’s arrest. The sweater that Ali was wearing in the video is apparently Toby’s. Toby has horrible taste. In fashion and in ladies.
Ooh! Emily and Maya are cuddling! But Maya is wearing her boots on the bed! Maya! Don’t do that! Emily has a white bedspread!
I’m not crying. I’ve just been chopping onions.
Then Emily’s dad comes home! Damn it, I’m actually tearing up a little. I watch too many YouTube videos of soldiers returning home to their families, I think. Luckily, Em’s mom is there to bitch it up and make me stop crying.
Anyway, blah blah, various scenes about people talking about Alison. Shut up about Alison. NOBODY CARES ABOUT ALISON OKAY.
He’s just a creepster for her love.
Ooh! Emily’s driving somewhere and Toby sits up from her backseat, creepily!! Now they’re standing in the woods and talking to each other. Toby ended it with Jenna! But Jenna didn’t want them to end! She’s in love with him! And he wasn’t involved with Alison! He just loaned her the sweater because she was cold! She was dating someone else! Toby wants to run away. He tells Emily where he’ll be waiting for his friend, in case she wants to come . . . hug him goodbye?
At Camp Mona, Aria and Spencer are getting the grand glamping tour. To be fair, it looks better than my last camping trip. Emily arrives and explains to them what Toby told her. Hanna plans to spy on Camp Mona so that if A is following the girls, she can find out A’s identity. After some very amusing hair-related comedy, the girls wonder where to find A.
Hair, there, and everywhere.
Meanwhile, Toby is waiting for his friend . . . and the cops show up. Aw, did Em turn him in? Or was it A, who seems to know EVERYTHING? How does A know everything? Is she omniscient? Is she God?
Back at glamping, Spencer is putting her Ac Dec brain to work,wondering where A could be. She finally figures it out – Wright’s Playground – and recruits Emily. They find a tree with “Alison Loves Ian” carved into a tree. So, Alison is lame and wouldn’t be invited to reside in Fern Gully anytime soon?
Meanwhile, Hanna’s sitting out in the woods, on the lookout for A. A car arrives. Someone walks into the car . . . it’s Aria, coming to meet Fitz. He apologizes for being a coward and ditching her. “I thought if you could be happy without me-” Aria, awesomely, cuts him off and calls him a jerk and says he doesn’t get to decide her feelings for her. Then they make out, as they do. You would think that Aria wouldn’t be keen on making out with her teacher in a car, since that’s her dad’s M.O. Hanna sees all of this. Then she sees A, spying on Fitz and Aria Somehow, despite the fact that it is pitch black and A is wearing a hoodie, Hanna knows who she is. She texts her friends to tell her that she has learned the identity of A. Of course, she doesn’t say who A is, because that would be the rational thing to do.
Just as the girls arrive, and Hanna is running to meet them . . . . Hanna’s mowed down by a car. Whoops?
Don’t die, Hanna! You’re my favorite!
The girls get a text: “She knew too much. -A” A, don’t text and drive, you could run someone over!
The closing credits are the video of Alison, only now she takes the camera and turns it around . . . to reveal Ian, smiling creepily. Ooooh. No wonder she was so pissed when she saw him kissing Spencer.
Until next season, bitches!