Previous episode: “Twinsense and Sensibility”
Welcome back everyone! To your favorite show about a GAME about LYING (except not really, at least for the game part, which has yet to be talked about). I was really bummed when I realized it was Lying Game time because I was already WATCHING tv, on Netflix Instant, like ya do. And I don’t like having to pause in the middle of an episode. I won’t say WHICH show I was watching, because I don’t want to distract you all from talking about LYING. And isn’t that why we’re all here? To lie? And have games? So let’s begin!
A flock of creepy overly-involved moms are putting up school dance decorations. All these moms are blonde and I recognize Mercer Mom and Char’s horrible manipulative, drunkard mom. Is it normal for parents to help with dance decorations? I thought there were student committees for that kind of thing? You tell me.
We see a Queen Nisha poster in the background. Wait, do people actually RUN for homecoming and/or prom King/Queen? Is that a real thing? My school would not let posters go up except for very few things, and certainly not to campaign for that. Did anyone have people officially campaign for that type of stuff in their high school? Please enlighten me, because I feel like that can’t be a real thing.
Poor Twin is in the decorated gym, making like Billy Idol and da-a-ncing with her se-elf. Ethan finds her there and they discuss the homecoming dance. Poor Twin says how she never went to a dance at her old school because SHE HAD TO BE ASKED. NO way is that real. Is that real? I cannot IMAGINE a dance that didn’t let singles in. Barely anyone would be able to go, how would they make recoup their costs? And also…that’s just so…mean! Maybe that was the case in the 1950s, I don’t know? Please sometime tell me if your schools did this. I must know! I have so many questions today!
Poor Twin is back at the Mercer McMansion. Mercer Mom is getting all nostalgic and wistful, looking at pictures from her homecoming dance (she was Queen, naturally). Man, looking at high school pics with my future adoptive daughter would not make me wistful. I am highly suspicious of anyone who enjoyed their high school years. Oh my, apparently the Mercer parents and Mads’ Dad all grew up in this town. No wonder they’re all so weirdly invested in their high school daughter’s lives. There is a picture of 2 day old baby Sutton with Mercer Dad. Poor Twin is suspicious. Is it because Sutton couldn’t have been adopted yet? At least, probably not or else how would Sutton remember her baby room?
Lying Game Intro! Again, words cannot express how baffling it is. Why are the twins in a pool? Why do they keep touching hands?
Back at the Mercer McMansion. Mercer parents have grounded Laurel for stealing Sutton’s laptop. Even though we all know she was just said she stole it to help Poor Twin out. So that Ethan didn’t have to go to jail. For stealing a laptop he didn’t steal. But alas, Laurel can’t go to the homecoming dance. Wah wah. Poor Twin offers to stay home with Laurel and have a girls night. But Laurel is all “but you want to be QUEEN.” Why does everyone assume Sutton has that in the bag? Doesn’t she have approximately two friends?
Mads house. The older man/dance instruction is there. He wants to talk about their kiss. What about it? I guess he doesn’t want that to happen again? Mad’s Dad comes home while they’re talking. Clearly the best thing to do with the older guy who doesn’t want to commit statch with you is to hide him in your bedroom from your DA father. I see NOTHING wrong with that plan.
The Dance Instruction who will not commit statch (whose name is Eduardo, apparently) overhears Mad’s Dad on the phone. He calls some hospital. Asks the hospital lady if anyone has been to visit Annie Hobbs. HEY now we know that’s the name of the Twins’ birth mommy. No one has visited her yet. Mad’s Dad is all “and no one better with the $$$ I’m paying you.” Wait, is this a hospital? Because I’m pretty sure hospitals aren’t supposed to take money to keep their patients trapped from the outside world. But I could be wrong. I suppose runnin’ a hospital ain’t cheap! Mads’ Dad warns hospital lady that Sutton might show up.
Commercials! And holy moly, this has to be a joke, right? I don’t normally talk about the commercials but WHAT IS THIS MOVIE WITH HUGH JACKMAN AND ROBOTS? Is this…real? This is a joke trailer, right? Is this a live action Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots movie? My mind is so boggled right now, I actually cannot form words. I will just show you:
Turns out it ISN’T a joke. It is a real movie. My trailer was a little different. It had Eminem rapping in it. Is this one of the signs of the apocalypse? I mean, I LIKE robot movies. I will argue the watch-ability of iRobot with anyone. But even I’m terrified.
Back to the show! Laurel is hanging out with her grifter boyfriend. Laurel wants her blonde grifter to be homecoming king. I mean, dude is cute-ish in that way high school girls like. But he’s been at that school all of 3 days. If I don’t even know his name, how are the fictional teens at this school supposed to?
Mads confronts Poor Twin about dropping out of the homecoming race. First of all, one cannot DROP out of the race, because anyone can still vote for her, regardless. But I digress. Char is freaking out about it too because they’ve been planning this since the eighth grade. If you all think planning on being homecoming queen for four years is sad, meet Char. The girl who has been planning for four years on getting her FRIEND to be it. These girls really need some hobbies. You know, BESIDES the Lying Game, which we still haven’t heard jack about. Nisha drops by to act like a bitch so that us, The Audience, can be invested in Poor Twin winning the race.
In LA, the city where digital app dreams are made and broken, Thayer and Sutton are still on the hunt for bio-mamma. There are 500 Annie Hobbs! Sutton is getting wary! Thayer reassures her and actually says AND I QUOTE “have a little faith in the Ones and Zeros.” Sutton says he shouldn’t be wasting his time with this because he needs to be making HIS APP. And then HE ACTUALLY MAKES A COMMENT about how it’s not like he’s going to CREATE THE NEXT ANGRY BIRDS. But…I said that! Earlier. But I said it AS A JOKE. That was a JOKE STATEMENT. Not one to be used as a SERIOUS line within the show. If this show takes my sarcasm and TURNS IT TO TRUTH…where does that leave me?! WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS FAKE? I don’t know what to believe anymore. Oh, Sutton kisses Thayer! I mean, of course, this girl collects boyfriends like they’re crazy bands.
At the ballet class of all skill levels. The girls actually CLAP at the end of class. Nisha sees Mads’ Dad and goes straight over to tell him there are rumors about Mads and Eduardo. Wow, considering that fact that I’m PRETTY sure Mads’ Dad is going to turn out to be a homicidal maniac, this is pretty dick move. Nisha deserves to be punished.
Ethan and Cop Bro are hanging out, grillin’, drinkin’, having man to man talks. Cop Bro brings up those BAD Mercer girls. Asks Ethan about Sutton. Cop Bro says a hidden relationship isn’t a real relationship. This is true Ethan. Being in a secret relationship sounds fun for, like, a couple of weeks. But a year? That’s just sad. You’re worth acknowledging, Ethan!!! (maybe)
Poor Twin is looking at the old photo album again. Daddy Mercer comes up and she starts grilling him about her bio-mom. He is clearly covering something up. She asks if maybe her mom was an artist since she knows about the mural in the burned down house.
Poor Twin goes to school (at night? For some unknown reason?) Mads and Char are there and they’ve hung up campaign posters. They want her to run, but for their own personal reasons. Mads is pissed about Nisha talking to her dad and therefore wants Sutton to beat her in the “race.” The camera view switches back to the Mercer parents’ prom photos. There is a picture of Daddy Mercer and Mads’ Dad together, sandwiched around a brown haired girl. Who is she? Since I moonlight as a Body Language Reader for US Weekly, I can tell you that the body language here implies both dudes were banging the lady in the middle.
Back at the Mercer house, Poor Twin convinces her parents to let Laurel go to homecoming. These parents sure do love their “Sutton.” They basically do whatever she asks, while kind of being dicks to Laurel. Back at school, Char is going crazy campaigning for “Sutton.” Poor Twin is stressing about the race to Ethan because she says she isn’t a “people person” like Sutton is. Wait, what? Didn’t I already mention that Sutton only has TWO friends? And since when does “people person” mean being a heinous bitch to everyone? Poor Twin wants Ethan to come to the dance, for moral support.
Mercer Mom, who is still reminiscing about her glory days, finds her old tiara. She wants Poor Twin to try it on and this moment she is basically the embodiment of all mothers who try and live through their daughters. Also, do people actually get to keep those tiaras? I’m pretty sure they don’t these days. Again, discuss! Later, Sutton calls Poor Twin on the ambiguous video chat program. Sutton sees the tiara and gets really pissy about Poor Twin running for HQ. Which, doesn’t make any sense, because if Poor Twin wins, it’s really Sutton’s popularity winning. Sutton starts bitching about Poor Twin taking over her life, completely forgetting the fact that all of this insanity was her idea/her fault.
Sutton then calls Ethan to bitch about Poor Twin. Sutton is all “I miss you!” Or, at least I imagine she is missing him when she’s not busy making out with future professional app designers. Ethan brings up the dance and they get into a fight about how Sutton wouldn’t be seen with him in public. You go girl, Ethan! Stand up for yourself! He totally video hangs up on her. Burn.
It’s the Homecoming Dance! THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF OUR LIIIIIIVES. Char and Mads are stalking the voting box. Some guy who looks like a Poor Man’s Robert Pattinson votes for Sutton. Is he a character on this show? I don’t even know because I haven’t watched the episodes I haven’t reviewed (but I read the recaps!) Mads’ Dad is chaperoning the event. It’s super creepy that he’s there, BUT at least all of the characters acknowledge that it is weird. The girls say he is reliving his glory days. I mean, I understand that for a very small fraction of the world, their high school years were their best. But dude’s a handsome (I guess), rich lawyer. Pretty sure his glory days should still be keepin’ on?
Back at the Mercers’ house. Mercer mom was “tidying” up Sutton’s room and found Poor Twin’s sketchbook. Huh, she sure seems to “tidy up” a lot. Lady needs to stop being such a damn snoop. Mercer mom didn’t know Sutton was such an artist! Maybe they should encourage her, blah blah! Then Mercer Mom starts asking Mercer Dad about bio-mom. Maybe bio-mom WAS an artist! The mom doesn’t seem to know much about the bio-mom, other than that she was alive, not dead like they used to tell Sutton. So it looks like the Big Lie is just between Mercer Dad and Mads’ Dad. Doesn’t anyone else think ONE of those two guys HAS to be the sperm donor, if you know what I mean?
Mads’ Dad confronts Poor Twin at the dance and says more vague things. Can anyone in this show just say what they mean? Even a passive aggressive person such as myself can barely keep up with whatever everyone is implying. Also, Poor Twin’s hair is SUPER triangular. I don’t understand, this actress is mostly cute, but they put her is the ugliest things and give her bad hair. WHY! And lo! In a move that NO ONE could see coming, “Sutton” wins homecoming queen. And in move that is absurd in its unlikelihood, Justin the blonde grifter wins king. King and Queen are supposed to have the first dance together. They dance and Poor Twin has a pretty tiara but you can see that the grifter’s crown is plastic and velcros together in the back. Maybe this is representative of their SOULS.
Ethan arrives at the dance, all dressed up in a Tux. You can ACTUALLY hear audible “why is he here?”s from the other dance attendees. Ethan asks to cut in on the first dance. That’s…actually really awkward. Ethan, you weren’t voted King. Sorry, but you can’t just take over the first dance like that. Anyway, Ethan dances with Poor Twin and KISSES her in front of everyone. I guess he decided they are going to go public now.
Laurel is off by herself, having a sad. She thinks her life with her cute grifter boyfriend is so wonderful and is worried it will end. Laurel, I will give you some advice! The best way to keep your new boyfriend is to get pregnant! Just kidding, don’t do that. The best way to keep him is to act super clingy, needy and insecure, exactly like you’re doing! Just kidding, don’t do that either. Also, Laurel totally refers to herself as an AP dork, as though it’s A BAD THING to be in AP classes. Laurel, you should BE so lucky to be smart. But I REALLY doubt you are. And I’m glad to know that in the year 2011, the idea that being SMART is a bad thing to be for high school girls is still alive and kicking. Wonderful. Grifter reassures her that everything will be okay, but we can SEE HIS EYES ARE LYING. I wonder what he’s up to. Guesses anyone?
Mads and Char are super PO’d about Ethan. I mean, I get being mad that your friend was keeping a secret, but they also seem pissed that she’d DARE to date someone “uncool” like Ethan. So yeah, they suck. But then, we already know that. Mads’ Dad gets a photo text of Mads making out with Eduardo. Ruh roh! Who sent it? WAS IT A?
Sutton is on the computer and sees people’s photos of the homecoming dance. She sees the pic of Poor Twin and Ethan making out. Apparently Poor Twin hasn’t realized yet that All Your Boys Are Belong To Sutton? I mean, I would almost feel bad for Sutton, because that smarts, but she can’t have, like, five fucking boyfriends at one time and then get sad when ONE isn’t loyal. So Sutton does what any vengeful teenage girl would do – hook up with the first guy she sees. Which is Thayer! Not sure if she’s revenge making out with him or revenge fucking. We shall see!
Mads’ Dad shows up to the dance studio to confront Eduardo. And Edurdo is there, late at night, by himself, practicing his break dance fighting. What is Mads’ Dad going to do? Looks like we will have to wait to find out.
Poor Twin, who is home but still wearing her tiara with her PJs, noticed that some pictures were removed from that old photo album EVERYONE has been looking at this episode. Then she sees Mercer Dad hiding the missing pages. The picture hidden is the one where the dads are sandwiching that lady. And now Poor Twin realizes that woman is her birth mom. AWWWW snap! So who’s the father!? It has to be one of the two dads. MAYBE THEY EACH FATHERED ONE TWIN! (yes, I know they’re identical, not fraternal, don’t ruin my fun!)
Back to the evil hospital that kidnaps people for money. We see the bio-mom! She’s in a room, painting (because that’s what crazy, kidnapped people like to do.) She keeps painting TWINS over and over.
And that’s all for this week? What do you guys think? Who is bio-dad? And what did the Double Dads do to bio-mom? Is bio-mom crazy? And what’s the grifter up to? And when is Sutton going to be killed? And are we EVER going to see The Lying Games?
