Well, well, well. What will The Vampire Diaries have in store for us with tonight’s episode? We’ve had A KISS — some of you were happy about it, and some of you felt dissatisfied — we’re waiting the impending Klausageddon, and what else? Oh yes, Jeremy, aka president of the Handsome Club, Junior League, Paranormal Division, has just been compelled to be sent off to Denver where he’s supposed to… what? Join a megachurch? I don’t know! But I think we can all agree that WE DON’T WANT HIM TO GO. Did you ever imagine a time when the possibility of Jeremy leaving town would come close to eclipsing the much anticipated KISS?!!!!!! ME NEITHER!!!
Happy shirtless Salvatore in the shower!!!! Drink! (OH SHIT!!! +1) Interspersed with an Elena training montage! Then Damon IN A TOWEL!!!! Drink! (OH SHIT!!!! +2)Then more of Elena’s training montage! Apparently after last week’s kiss, she’s got a LOT of sexual frustration to work off. AND she’s trying to ask Alaric about Damon all coy-like.
At the Requisite LJ Smith House Of Disrepair Set Far Away In The Woods, Bonnie’s doing her witch-spell thang, and that one coffin still won’t open. I really think she should let sleeping originals lie, but maybe that’s just me. Anyway, something creepy is moving in the shadows! (Oh shit +3) Bonnie’s scared! She turns a corner! And runs into Damon. Who holds up his finger for silence. Then some dude jumps out at Stefan! But Damon PUNCHES HIM IN THE HEART!!! Drink! (Oh Shit +4) and makes a joke about hybrids Drink! bringing down the value of the neighborhood.
Elena is decorating a locker. It’s Caroline’s birthday! But then she has to tell Bonnie how she had Jeremy compelled to go off to Denver. This makes Bonnie have a sad. Drink!
Damon is beating the unopenable coffin with a shovel — to no avail. Stefan joins him, and they discuss how YHH is in ONE of the coffins, and Klaus’ two other siblings are in two of the others, but that leaves the fourth coffin. WHO is in it? Mommy Dearest? OR is it just what Klaus uses to carry around his toiletries and valuables? Damon taunts the hundred dead witches Drink! to see if they’ll open the coffin for him. It doesn’t work. Then Stefan decides he wants to push Klaus more, and Damon is all like “Dude! I don’t wanna die!”, but Evil Stefan doesn’t give a shit about nothin’ or nobody, so he’s gonna poke the sleeping bear.
Bonnie goes to say goodbye to Jeremy, and does she do something witchy with her eyes when she’s hinting to him that he’s been compelled? Anyway, Jeremy gets a questioning look in his eyes.
Caroline arrives at school, and she’s having a sad. Drink! Tyler wants to talk to her — he WANTS to put her first, before everybody else, but he CAN’T because of his sire-faith-relationship with Klaus. Huh. Klaus will always come first. That’s kind of hot.
George: In a hybro’ erotic way…
Speaking of, Klaus is sealing Rebekah up in her coffin.
George: AND drinking scotch. Man, all vampires do is hang out and drink scotch.
Stefan shows up and is SUPER BADASS, telling Klaus to get rid of the hybrids Drink! or he’ll dump YHH in the Arctic!!! (Oh shit +5) No Stefan, not YHH!
George: Not the Arctic!
Then Klaus is like, ‘well, if you kill my brother, I’ll kill your brother” but Stefan pretty much says ‘Bite me.” Then he grabs a hack-saw and chops off the head of the hybrid Drink! who was helping Klaus!!!!! Drink! (OH SHIT +6) Badass Stefan is awesome!
Caroline comes home and is surprised by Elena, Bonnie and Matt! Hi Matt! They’re going to the falls, the Mystic Falls to celebrate her birthday! Matt is adorable! Drink! But Caroline is too sad! She’s stuck at 17! And it’s a filler year! I personally liked 17, but I like all odd numbers, so…
Klaus wants Tyler to bite Caroline! (Oh shit! +7) Which will kill her dead dead!!!! NOOOOO. But Klaus is SO awesome Drink! while he’s playing the sire card! Tyler says “NO WAY!” (where’s your undeniable sire bond now, Tyler?) And Klaus is disappointed. (OH SHIT!!! +7) Bad things happen when Klaus gets disappointed.
George: Just like God said to Adam in the garden: “your choice, free will and all that…”
Elena, Bonnie and Matt take Caroline… to a crypt? To say goodbye to her old life, so she can move forward with her new one! Aw, that’s kind of sweet. But, uh, CW, all this sweetness BETTER NOT be the prelude to something bad happening to Caroline!!!! Bonnie witches the candles on the cake.
George: ‘Cause witches love candles. And candles love witches.
Hooray! It’s a Mystic Falls shindig/Council meeting! Over some scotch, Alaric asks Damon what’s going on with Elena. Damon is awesome Drink! saying that he’s sure it starts with a “Stef” and ends with an “an”. Ha! But Damon, Alaric didn’t get to be president of the handsome club merely because he can have sex with people with his eyes! He knows something’s up. Speaking of having sex with your eyes, it’s Mrs. Stefan aka Dr. Fell from such fun times as last week, when Alaric had sex with her with his eyes! She’s on the Council. Interesting. They proceed to just have foreplay with their eyes this time, until she let’s it slip that a British dude is at the party.
George: (as Alaric) Whoah, whoah, whoah. Who let in the British guys?
I’d venture to say it’s a disappointed British dude. About to cause some trouble.
Klaus has made a deal with the dead mayor’s wife to protect Mystic Falls! WHA?!! Damon points out what we’re all thinking — that he’s the only thing they need protection from, but Klaus is awesome Drink! with his “Give peace a chance.”
George: Judging by her interaction with Klaus, I think the dead mayor’s wife would be the kind of mom who would shack up with a real nasty stepfather. Yuck.
Bonnie kills the funeral-party-in-the-crypt buzz by confronting Elena about basically having Damon compel everyone who disagrees with her.
George: OOOH! Truth bomb!
Damon and Mommy Sheriff commiserate about Klaus and Stefan, and he is awesome Drink! Alaric steps in when Mrs. Stefan has a confrontation with some dude, and the dude insults Mrs. Stefan! So Alaric threatens to go all Chuck Norris on his ass, but it turns out Mrs. Stefan doesn’t need any help. They make a nice little Mystic Falls “cause of death” joke.
“Yeah.”
Stefan shows up and swipes a kitchen knife off a sideboard, and uses it to stab a hybrid, Drink! but Damon stops him! Damon tells him that he’s got to be smarter to beat Klaus, but Stefan counters that he just has to be more of a villain. (Oh shit +8)
Tyler shows up at the crypt and tells Caroline that hey, his sire bond with Klaus isn’t so strong after all! And he loves her! And they start kissing! Teeth condoms! Teeth condoms! USE. TEETH. CONDOMS. (OH SHIT!!!!!! +9) ARGHHHH!!!!! He BITES her!
Matt and Elena are looking for Caroline, but Stefan runs up and grabs Matt, throwing him head-first into a crypt! (OH SHIT +10) STEFAN! Shame on you! He grabs Elena! And drives away with her! Damon calls and Stefan asks him what Klaus would do if he couldn’t make anymore hybrids, which rightly scars the bejeezus out of Damon, who goes and tells Klaus he better do what Stefan says, and quick! (He’s worried about Elena, don’t you know.) Klaus suggests that Stefan’s love for Elena is too strong for him to kill her, but that’s a risk Damon is not willing to take. You can also see Damon saying “rats” in his head.
Matt’s alright, THANK GOD! And he FOUND Caroline! DOUBLE THANK GOD! Get some help! Quick!
Stefan won’t listen to Elena! He calls Klaus! Then he forces Elena to drink his blood! If Klaus doesn’t get rid of his hybrids Drink! he’s going to drive Elena off the bridge that killed her parents! (OH SHIT!!! +11) Elena is screaming! Klaus doesn’t buy it! But Stefan is for real going to do it, and OMG Klaus finally tells him to stop! (OH SHIT!!! +12) But Stefan DOESN’T stop! OH NOES!!!! (OH SHIT!!! +13) He’s unhinged! But then he DOES stop, finally! And it’s a good thing, too because my ohshitometer needs a break.
George: I don’t get Stefan’s motivation now. What’s his endgame with all this punishing Klaus, if he really doesn’t care for Elena or Damon anymore?
Maybe he just wants to be a winner? Maybe Stefan’s just made of tiger blood?
Elena asks Stefan HOW he could do that to her? Stefan tells her that destroying Klaus is all he has left, because he lost her when he first left town with Klaus, and he doesn’t even care what she thinks about him anymore, but there’s a look in his Stefan-eyes that tells me that he’s not being completely honest.
George: Wait, did Elena just also get dumped on the bridge? Man, that bridge is Bad. Luck.
Klaus shows up at Caroline’s house, and tells Mommy Sheriff that he’ll heal Caroline if she gives him her support, so she invites him in. But Klaus loves birthdays! He doesn’t want to kill Caroline on hers! Then he gets all Aladdin and Jasmine on her, and tells her that he’s thought about dying, himself, if there’s no meaning to it all, and he’ll let her die, if she wants to, but there’s a whole new world out there waiting for her, and with that little tear in his eye, I just love him so much! What an AMAZING character! Drink!
George: His only condition is that he wins an Emmy for his monologue.
Caroline decides she doesn’t want to die, so she drinks from him. Drink!
George: Wow. That was a tender moment.
Damon brings Elena home, and asks her if she’s okay. Then he praises Stefan for winning the day, before looking like he might kiss Elena again, but she says it’s not right. But Damon says it’s just not “right now”! And the way Elena is looking at him, I think the “then” is going to happen sooner rather than later.
Elena is hugging Jeremy goodbye when Bonnie shows up. There’s a tense moment between her and Elena, but Bonnie’s just there to say goodbye! And Jeremy leaves! (OH SHIT!!!! +14)
Caroline wakes up, and is all healed from her werepire bite, and there’s a present from Klaus! Uh-oh. Somehow I don’t think it’s from Tiffany’s. Oh. It’s a bracelet. Huh. Klaus is always so confusing with his sweetness and ruthlessness!
George: Is Klaus into Caroline, or what?
Matt meets Elena on the bridge, and she tells him she does feel stuck, and is afraid she’s disappointed her parents and herself. Like always, Matt comes through with some sweetness, and tells her she’s actually doing just fine. So they have another symbolic funeral to say goodbye to the old Elena.
At the Bronze, Mrs. Stefan shows up to day drink with Alaric,
George: “Thank God, another day drinker” BEST LINE OF THIS EPISODE!!!
and they pick up where they left off with the foreplay with their eyes. But out in the woods, Mommy Sheriff shows Damon a staked body! It’s the medical examiner guy from the earlier confrontation with Mrs. Stefan! (OH SHIT!!! +15)
WHAT?!!! Are we supposed to suspect our president?!!! I mean, he DID glare after that guy, but what are they trying to make us think — that his ring of invincibility has gone bad or something? Or is it Mrs. Stefan? I really REALLY hope Jeremy broke his compulsion and is going off to train with Katherine somewhere, because I’m not ready to say goodbye to him. Oh yeah, the ohshitometer got up to a little ol’ 15! Well, next week, it looks like we get to meet Bonnie’s mom, HRG (otherwise known as Caroline’s dad) returns, and Stefan gets shot! What did you guys think of tonight?
