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Whew! It’s been a rough two weeks without The Vampire Diaries to keep us stocked up on shirtlessness excitement. I have to say, the #1 reason I’m so excited about this episode is because this is where we last left off:
Young Harry Hamlin is back!!!!!! And he’s punching out hearts!!! So let’s get on with Bringing Out The Dead!
Klaus is surprised to see YHH, but tries to play it off and act cool. So YHH does a flying leap punch, and… Original Brothers Fisticuffs! Drink! Klaus is awesome,Drink! pulling a Damon being concerned about his renovations, and pulls the dagger out of a brother we haven’t met yet and threatens to dagger YHH again, but YHH is awesome Drink! and isn’t a-scared. Because he thinks Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter will get revenge, if Klaus kills him again! Right, he wasn’t around for the big disappointment that was. Klaus tells him that the reason he hasn’t undaggered the rest of the family is because Stefan has SOMETHING they all need. (Oh shit +1) Hmmm. Is that the something in his secret luggage compartment also known as the fourth coffin? He redaggers the other brother and closes the lid. What he doesn’t do is comment on the awesome haircut YHH got while he was on his coffin vacation.
Alaric is in search of aspirin for his hangover, and Alaric, Mr. President, you should know that what you need right now is not aspirin, but some coconut water and greasy food. It cuts the alcohol, trust. Oh no! He whiskey-dialed Mrs. Stefan at 2am! (Oh Shit +2)
George: You can whiskey-dial us anytime, Mr. President.
Mommy Sheriff rings the doorbell with news that the stake that killed the medical examiner is from the Gilbert family’s private weapons store, and has Elena’s fingerprints on it. (Oh Shit +3) Elena calls Damon, who suggests she ask Alaric if Mrs. Stefan had access to the family’s secret stash. Alaric is awesome Drink! with his use of the word ‘dick’. Elena is awesome Drink! with her assessment that it couldn’t be Mrs. Stefan on account of the impossibility that Alaric’s luck with women is that bad.
Stefan, Bonnie, and Bonnie’s mom are at his secret fourth coffin storage cave (who knew there were so many caves in Virginia?) and suggests they campout there until they get it open. Elena shows up and asks him if he killed the medical examiner, but Stefan goes all ‘I know you are, but what am I?”, asking if she’s asked Damon if he’s killed anyone lately, hmm?
At the hospital, Caroline thanks Mrs. Stefan for saving Daddy HRG’s life, despite the fact that he’s a less than grateful patient. Mrs. Stefan apologizes about her bedside manner, saying it’s a little rough on account of her not sleeping.
George: That’s not what Alaric said. Oooohhhh!
Caroline is disappointed to learn that her dad has already been discharged and didn’t even call her, but then she hears something! She and Elena follow the sound into a room to find Daddy HRG’s throat has been slit! AND he’s been stabbed! Which is kind of overkill, really (ha, get it? Over. Kill). (OH SHIT +4) Caroline pulls out the dagger just as I remember that Daddy HRG has Damon’s blood in his system, he wakes up!
In Stefan’s secret storage cave, Bonnie and her mom are studying a grimoire, and somehow by looking at a picture of a knot, discover that if they, as two generations of witches, do some sort of unbinding spell, they should be able to open the fourth coffin? I don’t know. I was taking an extra drink for good measure, and maybe I missed something.
Damon tries to get Stefan to join him in a meeting with YHH and Klaus, but what’s more important is we have a SHIRTLESS SALVATORE!!! Drink! Stefan tells him that even though YHH might still be mad at his brother, blood is thicker than water, and oh yeah, none of them actually trust each other anymore. All on account of a girl.
Back at the hospital, Daddy HRG tells Caroline that he won’t drink blood to complete his transformation into a vampire, even though that means he’ll die. (Oh shit +5)
Elena arrives home to find Alaric taking inventory of the Gilbert’s arsenal, and has brought the dagger that was used to stab Daddy HRG. And it’s also from the house! Somebody is stealing weapons from the Gilberts’ store and using it to attack Council Members!
Damon and Stefan arrive at Klaus’ place for dinner. Klaus is awesome Drink! and Damon is awesome Drink! trying to get Stefan to play nice. Stefan tries to play hardball with Klaus about family-killing, but Damon is awesome again Drink! and reminds him that when it comes to family-killing, Stefan and Klaus are kind of pot and kettle.
Caroline and Elena discuss Mrs. Stefan’s possible guilt, while Daddy HRG and Mommy Sheriff are inside the house. Caroline wants to make her dad drink to save him, but Elena reminds her that all he has left now is his choice. They talk about dead dads and have a sad Drink! Then Matty joins them, making it all better, like he does, with hugs and sweetness.
George: Have you ever noticed how much Caroline looks like Anna from Downton Abbey? Just, you know, with poofy hair and makeup.
Over dinner, YHH asks where Elena is, and Klaus is awesome Drink! in his gleefulness over the drama. So the Original brothers start telling the Salvatores about Tatia, the original Petrova! And they were JUST like Stefan and Damon, both loving the same girl. (Oh Shit +6) And much like Elena and Katherine before her, Tatia couldn’t choose between the brothers, either!
George: So essentially Elena is like, the original vampire catnip?
So mamma Original used Tatia’s blood to turn them into vampires, and YOU GUYS! I have a new idea about who might be in the fourth coffin! Who? Another chance for Nina Dobrev to kick ass, that’s who! Anyway, YHH and Klaus tell the Salvatores that they decided to put each other first and forget all about the girl, but I wonder how that worked for them.
In Stefan’s secret storage cave, Bonnie and her mom are not having much luck opening the coffin. Bonnie has a heart to heart with her mom about how she was a deadbeat, and how she can make it all up to Bonnie by helping her now. They try the spell again, and it almost works! So Bonnie runs off to call Damon to tell him it almost worked? I’ve got a bad feeling about this. (Oh shit +7) While she’s all alone, the coffin busts open on Bonnie’s mom! (Oh Shit +8)
Damon continues to try to make the deal with Klaus, and while YHH seems amiable to it, Klaus tells them that there’s no way he’s leaving Elena behind. Not only does he need Elena’s blood to make his hybrids Drink! but he thinks that Damon and Stefan are the worst thing for her.
George: He does have a point.
Damon decides he needs some air, so Klaus takes a break to have a juice box Drink!.
Matt is walking Elena home, but when they get there, the electricity’s out! (OH SHIT +9) Then they see lots of blood! And bloody handprints! (OH SHIT +10) And they follow them! Upstairs! And Alaric is up there! Stabbed!!! (OH SHIT!!!!!! +11) Seriously, CW, this is SO NOT funny any more! PLEASE don’t let him be dead dead!!!!! NONONO!!!!!
George: MOTHER FUCK!!!
And then on the commercial break, it looks like Aunt Jenna is going to be on Supernatural, and while, yay her, because I mean… Dean Winchester. But does she have ANY idea what’s been going on with Alaric since she’s been gone?!!!
He’s not dead! He tells Elena to kill him, so he can be healed! Because she’s the doppelgänger, she’s supernatural, so it should work, right? OH GOD, please let it work!!! Elena takes the kitchen knife she’s had with her and stabs him in the heart!! (OH SHIT!!!!!! +12)
George: That is some disturbing shit right there.
THIS HAD BETTER WORK.
Damon comes back and asks Klaus what his decision is, and Klaus suggests a new deal: that they all leave Elena alone, and that she marry Matt (Damon is awesome at this point Drink!) and have many children, insuring lots of future generations of doppelgängers. Damon’s all set to say no way, jose, but Stefan goes over to shake on it. But then he tells Klaus no way, jose! And that makes Klaus very angry! He breaks Stefan’s bones, and plunges his hand into the fireplace! (Oh shit +13) And YHH holds Damon back! Then Klaus sends Damon to go get the fourth coffin or he’ll burn Stefan alive! And tells YHH to help him, and that he’ll give YHH the rest of the family back once they’ve got the fourth coffin!
Caroline and her dad reminisce about her old trophies for a minute before he asks her to respect his wishes and let him die. He tells her it’s all okay, and that she is exactly who he hoped she’d be. And I have a sad for them. Drink!
George: Caroline breaks down because the irony of her gay dad being so intolerant of her life is just too much…
Back at Klaus’, YHH hasn’t left yet! He tells Klaus that they’re going to do things on HIS terms! YES!!! And THIS is why the Handsome Club has missed you SO MUCH, YHH! And he’s undaggered Martha, Tyrone and Enrique!!!! Or whatever their names are and Rebekah! Original family fisticuffs! Drink! YHH is awesome Drink! and tells the Salvatores that they can go now, because this is family business. (Oh Shit +14)
George: Oh, Snap. Crackle. And POP.
Caroline and her mom are crying over Daddy HRG on his deathbed, while Elena sits in vigil over Alaric’s body with Matt. They are all having sads Drink! and we find out that Daddy HRG has died. Pour one out. I’m having another sad. Drink!
The Salvatore brothers banter as they walk in the woods, and though Damon ignores Elena’s call, he and Stefan both confess their love for her to each other. (Oh Shit +15) WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO NOW?!!!
Elena is on the phone with Mommy Sheriff, who tells her that Mrs. Stefan has been at the hospital all evening, just as HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU JESUS, ALARIC WAKES UP! Okay, CW, that was the last time. You bettaquitit.
Damon and Stefan arrive at the secret storage cave to find Bonnie and her mom alive but unconscious, and the fourth coffin empty. Meanwhile, Rebecca is redecorating Klaus’ apartment by way of smashing things, while he sulks in that way that only he can, and tells them that it was all for them. Then they tell him that they’re leaving him, so he says he’ll hunt them all down and kill them. Aw, Klaus, dude. Make up your mind. The door opens, and in walks… their mom! (Oh shit +16) Aw man, just when I thought it would be Tatia! It WAS their mother all along? Klaus thinks she’s there to kill him, but she tells him she’s there to forgive him!
George: Whoah! Their mom is kinda’ Jesus-y.
And that she wants them all to be one big happy family again! (Oh Shit +17)!!!!
What the what?!!! Okay, the CRAY has officially hit the fan. The ohshitometer reached a steady 17, but what did you guys think? I’m sad to say goodbye to Daddy HRG. And poor Caroline. Now, did you, like me, think Tatia was going to be in the coffin, or did you hold fast to our earlier belief that it was momma original? Will Tatia ever make an appearance? WHAT is momma original up to? I don’t know, but I’m super glad she didn’t kill Klaus. His, er, character is just too scrumptious… And most importantly, WHO is attacking council members?!!!!! Well, next week, we get a BALL in Mystic Falls! Can’t imagine anything going wrong there…
RIP, Daddy HRG.
