Who’s ready for some more shirtless Salvatores?!!!!!
Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I kind of like that The Vampire Diaries has embraced its unfortunate acronym (VD), however, one of our lovely readers, Sally, brought it to our attention that there seems to be a ‘curse’ on the set of this, our beloved show. It seems the cast and crew have been plagued by illness and injury! Oh no! Damon had a case of walking pneumonia, Stefan slipped on a curb and spent weeks on crutches, Elena threw her back out and co-creator Kevin Williamson fell down a set of Salvatore stairs! (I was hoping the term ‘Salvatore Stairs’ had less to do with a traditional set and more to do with the brothers themselves involved in some sort of acrobatic shenanigans, but I digress. These might not be Spiderman, The Musical levels of awful, but still…
Anyway, I’m sure you’ll all join me in raising a glass to the health of all who work on this show to entertain us royally week after week.
Campfire in the woods: Wolves girl and boy are burning the bodies of their fallen wolf comrades.
George: Never, ever go camping with a were-milf!
A wolf guy I don’t think we’ve seen before shows up with some exposition to explain to them why Uncle Benicio was searching for the moonstone. Drink! A phone ringing wakes up the sleeping beauties at the slumber party.
George: Now I love shirtless Salvatores as much as the next guy, but I TOTALLY want to wake up at THAT slumber party!
It’s Stefan, and Elena asks him when they can have a sleepover. At the Salvatore mansion, the news lady is alive! Damon only ate her a little bit! Yay! She tells him that she’s doing a news piece on the historian, young Harry Hamlin. As she leaves, Alaric shows up. Damon is awesome. Drink! Then he tells Alaric that it’s time he met young Harry Hamlin. At the Bronze, Caroline and Bonnie discuss Bonnie’s plan to find out more about young Harry Hamlin by tricking Luca into divulging. Matt walks by and gives Caroline the stink eye for lying to him, but by this time, she’s so many lies in, she’s not sure what it’s for. At the trailer park in the woods, Tyler shows up, and the were-milf and her pals tell him about the sun and moon curse and the moonstone Drink! and that if they can be the ones to break the curse, then they never have to turn into weres again. Then they show Tyler a picture of ‘Kathy’, whom we all know is Katherine, and hate them a little bit more for giving her that nickname. Tyler, of course, thinks it’s Elena, and wonders what she’s been up to, parading around as a girl named ‘Kathy’. Caroline tries to talk to Matt, and he tells her he saw Bonnie at the Bronze when she told him Bonnie was with her. Ooops. That lie. Then Tyler comes in and ‘accidentally’ knocks Caroline’s bag out of her hand, and steals her phone while he’s pretending to try to talk to her. Tyler is a douche. Matt has a heart to heart with Tyler.
Elena and Stefan are leaving for their sleepover, when Elena gets a text from Caroline’s phone. Elena texts back that they’re heading to the lakehouse, thus giving Tyler and his wolf cronies their future location. Wolf boy makes a doppelganger joke. Drink! Elena and Stefan arrive at the Gilbert’s lakehouse and we all wonder why they live in Mystic Falls.
Elena has a moment remembering her dead parents before they go inside. They share some ADORABLE vampire humor at the threshold, before getting with the heavy petting.
George: Elena humor! And hot pirate boots!
At the latest Mystic Falls thing –this time it’s a tea party!—young Harry Hamlin is chatting up the dead mayor’s wife. Damon enters and makes with the pretend relationship he’s fake-started with the news lady. The dead mayor’s wife introduces him to young Harry Hamlin. Intense eye contact ensues. At the Bronze, Bonnie is pretending to be friendly with Luca again. JJ shows up to help, and Caroline realized that while she’s been busy helping Tyler and being tortured and stuff, JJ’s done grown up. Something seems wrong with Luca, all of a sudden.
Jenny: I’m really glad Bonnie’s back to being friends with everybody. Except Luca, it seems.
Elena is standing on the dock, looking out into the water. She and Stefan snuggle as she tells him stories from her childhood. Then she asks him about their future together, and what it might hold. That doesn’t look so good, so they decide to just live in the now.
At the Mystic Falls tea party, Daddy Sark threatens Alaric with telling Aunt Jenna the truth, because Alaric is helping Damon. Alaric calls him a dick. Drink! Daddy Sark tells Alaric he’s not invited to slumber parties at the Gilbert’s anymore. And that he wants Alaric’s ring of invincibility. Damon tries to get answers out of young Harry Hamlin, but young Harry Hamlin isn’t very forthcoming. He also proves that originals are BAD ASS, by beating Damon and showing him he could kill him without using both his hands.
Jenny: He can’t help it that he’s the biggest and the strongest. He doesn’t even exercise…
He leaves, after telling Damon to keep Elena safe. At the lakehouse, Stefan is cooking for Elena. She gives him her dead great-grandad’s flannel shirt, and they make out and accidentally find a secret room in the closet.
George: A perfect opportunity for shirtlessness derailed by mystery.
Inside are all sorts of vampire hunting tools!
George: (as Stefan) Uh, man Elena, your family sure liked killing vampires…
At Caroline’s house, Bonnie, Caroline and Jeremy have set up some magic circle around an unconscious Luca. Jeremy goes for some water, and the girls dish about him and his obvious feelings for Bonnie. Then Bonnie begins some sort of Vulcan mind-meld magic.
Alaric and Damon are commiserating over their bum evening, and Alaric is awesome. Drink!
George: It’s a meeting of The Handsome Club!
Then Alaric goes to leave, and Damon hears a crash. He goes to investigate, and Alaric has a huge knife in his gut!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! Then the new wolf boy jumps on Damon’s back and pumps a syringe full of something into his neck, knocking him unconscious!
George: Oh man, poor Damon just keeps getting stabbed in the neck!
The rest of the wolves show up, INCLUDING Tyler, who ought to be ashamed of himself. They say Alaric is dead.
Jenny: Please, oh, please let him still be wearing his ring of invincibility!!!!
Back at the lakehouse, Elena finds more Jonathan Gilbert journals and wooden-tipped bullets. At the wolves’ trailer, they are getting ready to go after Elena and Stefan, and the sicko psycho torturer asks Tyler if he’s really in. At Elena’s house, Daddy Sark taunts Aunt Jenna about Alaric, who we hope is still alive.
George: Alaric was right! Daddy Sark has been a real dick this episode!
Jenny: Yes, but a dick made of awesome.
At the Salvatore mansion, Alaric still looks dead (SOB!) and Damon is strapped into a chair with a choke collar on that has wooden screws that stab him through his neck!!!
George: Okay, really! What’s with stabbing Damon in the neck in this episode!
Turns out the new wolf boy is a sicko psycho torturer, too! Damon is awesome, even while being tortured. Drink!
Bonnie continues her mind-thing with Luca, despite his protestations. Then he tells them that Klaus has Luca’s sister captive! Then he tells them that the only way to kill Klaus is to go through with the sacrifice—that after Klaus kills Elena, he will be vulnerable, and they can kill him!
George: Now I don’t want to see Elena die, but what if she dies with that big-ass ring of invincibility on?
Jenny: Oh. I didn’t think of that. I have a feeling you may have just predicted how this is all going to play out.
At the lakehouse, Stefan goes out to the shed to get some wood, and sicko psycho torturer #1 shoots him! And leaves Tyler with a gun in charge of guarding him! Stefan tells Tyler he has to get the bullet out, because it’s punctured his heart. Tyler responds by adding another one, in his leg.
George: Tyler’s suddenly become a werewolf jihadist.
Elena calls for Stefan, and gets a funny feeling something isn’t right. She picks up a knife on her way out, and is surprised by sicko psycho torturer #1, but stabs him! He pulls out the knife, and oh shit! Now he’s got a knife! But Elena has run upstairs. He adds ‘creepy stalker commentary’ to his list of charms as he goes after her. But Elena is smart and leaves her jacket in a different room to throw off her scent. Then she stabs him again!
Jenny: Elena sure knows how to stab!
But he runs after her again! And Stefan rips his heart out!
George: Ho! And Stefan learned the heart-trick! Where did they learn how to do that?!!!
Hooray! Three cheers for Tyler! Drink! Turns out, killing Elena was one step too douchey for him. Back at the Salvatores, the whole wolf pack has turned into sicko psycho torturers, but then HOLY SHIZZ, YOUNG HARRY HAMLIN SHOWS UP, MOONSTONE IN HAND! Drink! He sets it on the table and tells them to take it. Then proceeds to rip the hearts out of most of the weres!
George: Whoah! More? Is that something they teach vampires?
And frees Damon from his shackles! And then leaves!
Jenny: Even though I know he plans on killing Elena, I sure do like young Harry Hamlin.
George: I think, for a moment, Damon considered inviting him to join The Handsome Club.
Damon is on the phone with Bonnie, getting the low-down, when ALARIC WAKES UP!!! Yay!!! He calls Jenna, and tells her he fell asleep. She says it’s fine, but we can see she’s been shaken up by what Daddy Sark said. Damon calls Stefan and tells him about young Harry Hamlin planning to kill Elena after all, and suggests Stefan and Elena take an extended vacation. Stefan tells all of this to Elena, but she already knew! Oh, Elena! They share a sad Drink! But Stefan turns more mad at her because he thinks she’s just being a martyr, and walks away from her. At Caroline’s Bonnie and JJ are talking, and she confesses what we’ve all noticed –that over night JJ turned from the cousin of the eternal pout into a super-sexy boy who assists in hunting bad vampires and witches! Then they make out!
George: Yeah!!!! You rob that cradle, Bonnie!
At the dead mayor’s mansion, the dead mayor’s wife is going up the stairs when she hears something. It’s a letter she heard! Or Tyler leaving said letter! Then Tyler has a heart to heart with Matt, and tells him that Caroline loves Matt, and that she needs him, and that he better go get her! Aw, Tyler, way to redeem yourself, dude. Then he goes and looks in Caroline’s window one last time –a little creepy–before getting in a car with the were-milf. She seems pretty sad about everything, and she promises him that she won’t lie anymore.
George: Whatever you do Tyler, do NOT let her talk you into going camping!
And then they drive away!
Wow, the action and dramz keeps on comin’! Next week, we get to take a stroll down Stefan’s murderous memory lane! You know what that means! Flashbacks! Drink! Okay, so what do you guys think? IS Elena being a dumb martyr-face, or do you think she’s being brave and practical? Is Damon trying to reign in the evil killing spree he almost started? Will Stefan and Caroline EVER hook up?
