Hello! It’s time for The Lying Game to start! This is a show that, despite seeing approximately 8 million commercials for and having the book it was based on sent to me by ABC Family (thanks, boos!), I know eff all about. There are two girls! I know that! And they trade places or something! And then their parents realize they’ve switched and there’s a camping scene and then their parents get back together!
Wait, no. That’s The Parent Trap. But I really love that movie, and I wish that were what I was about to be watching. Let’s get together, yeah yeah yeah!
Okay. Let’s do this, gang.
Show! A girl is jogging. Already I hate her, as I loathe all people who cheerfully exercise. Go eat some ice cream, jerks; stop making the rest of us look bad.
The jogging girl runs up to her prefab home in the Mobile Courtyard of Tornado Targets and starts to strip off her clothes, but is interrupted by her foster brother, who is peeping in her window. Gross! Her foster brother has chin pubes and a hard-on for Jogging Girl. I seriously debate my decision not to pour myself a drink tonight but remember that, with the jet lag, I’ll be lucky to stay up until this show ends at 9. I sigh, bitterly.
Then Jogging Girl gets on her fancy laptop to talk to her twin sister. Who is rich, it seems! So there is a Rich Twin, who has lived a life of luxury, and a Poor Twin who has bounced around foster care for most of her life. This seems like a great premise for wacky hijinks to ensue!
The poor twin is named Emma and says something about how “hope is grief’s best music.” That doesn’t mean anything, Emma. What kind of awful, Title I public schools have you been going to? Who is your foster mom, Michele Bachmann? Ha ha, just kidding; Michele Bachmann doesn’t believe in poor people.
Anyway, the twins promise that they’ll meet someday soon. Probably sooner than you think, twins! Also, technically, you’ve already met. In the womb.
Rich People’s House! Some girl named Laurel opens the door and tells a Generic Rich Handsome Guy, Luke, that Sutton (Rich Twin) died in a barge accident. That was just a joke. Sutton (Rich Twin) shows up and her whole family is there and there’s some banter about their summer in France and, I don’t know, caviar and hedge funds, or whatever else rich people talk about. Warren Buffett! Capital gains!
Outside, Generic Rich Handome Dude kisses Rich Twin. Generic Dude is all, “You’ve been acting weird lately!” Rich Twin says she needs to work some stuff out, then ditches him to hang with her girls.
At the Mobile Courtyard of Tornado Targets, Poor Twin is practicing tennis against a wall when her skeevy foster brother, Chin Pubes, interrupts her by trying to hit on her. They’re called inside by Methed-Out Foster Mom, who is mad that someone has stolen money she got from Bruce Willis. Of course, Chin Pubes stole the money but planted it in Poor Twin’s bag, and Meth Mom stomps out to call CPS and the cops. You might want to call someone about your face, while you’re at it, Methed-Out Foster Mom.
Rich Twin’s town! Her friends are so glad to see her again! Their summer was so awful without Rich Twin! One of Rich Twin’s friends has a mom in rehab. The other had a brother who moved away to LA. All of Rich Twin’s friends look like they’re 40. Is this a rich thing?
Rich Twin’s Friend asks if Rich Twin ever dated her brother who moved to LA. Rich Twin denies it but looks away shiftily.
Over in the Mobile Courtyard of Tornado Targets, Chin Pubes is offering to help out Poor Twin with the cops if she’ll help him out with his, I am presuming, unimpressive boner. Poor Twin hits him with a tennis racket and runs away.
Rich Twin Party! She’s still hanging out with her forty-year-old friends. They’re so very close to each other, too. They are essentially laying on each other. Like, personal space, ladies, please.
Poor Twin calls Rich Twin. She’s heading to Phoenix tonight! I’m presuming that’s where Rich Twin lives. Great. Because what I want to watch in August is scenery from the one place in the US that’s hotter than Texas. Who authorized this?!
Anyway. Bus ride! Poor Twin departs the bus in Phoenix and then hides from cops. Um, I don’t think that cops in another state are going to care about your petty 500 dollar non-larceny, Poor Twin. Then she meets Rich Twin, yay!!
Rich Twin and Poor Twin admire each other a bit. It’s like looking in a mirror! You know what I’d rather be watching? The Parent Trap. III.
Also, if Poor Twin and Rich Twin look exactly the same, then is this show stating a bold case for nature over nurture? Might it not be a lack of available, fresh and cheap organic produce that is adding extra pounds to this nation’s poor, but rather just their genes? And if so, does that mean I can stop listening to people talk about the health benefits of lentils anytime poverty and weight are mentioned? Cause that’d be excellent.
Rich Twin has gotten a line on their bio parents and she wants to go to LA to track them down. And she wants Poor Twin to stand in for her at home! They’ll meet up in two days at the cabin! This show is going so fast! My brain cannot keep up!
Poor Twin is enjoying her new ride (Beamer) and sat nav (not Australian-accented). She seems pretty thrilled about her sweet new digs.
At Casa Rica, Rich Twin’s bitchy sister, the aforementioned Laurel, is bitchy about stuff. Poor Twin keeps volunteering to run errands, which makes her family confused. I guess Rich Twin doesn’t typically volunteer for things unless it’s for her college applications.
Rich Twin’s room! Poor Twin practices being Rich Twin in the mirror! I do love a good Talking To Oneself In The Mirror montage. The best one is Mandy Moore in Chasing Liberty, in which she practices saying “of course you can kiss me” like fifty times. Sometimes I practice that in the mirror too.
Poor Twin and Bitchy Sister go to a pool party! Then Rich Twin calls on Rich Phone! But Poor Twin doesn’t have time to talk, because she’s distracted by the droplets of water clinging to Generic Handsome Dude’s chest.
Everyone on this show is wearing ridiculously ugly bathing suits. And then some other girl shows up! She doesn’t seem to be well liked. They talk about some sort of sport, which confuses both Poor Twin and me. Then there’s some guy on a motorcycle. I honestly have no idea what this show is about, and I haven’t had anything to drink today, so that’s not it. It’s incomprehensible.
Later, at Rich Twin’s house, Poor Twin and Bitchy Sister are bonding over painting their nails or something. It seems that their parents adopted Rich Twin, thinking they couldn’t have kids, and then had Bitchy Sister ten months later. That happened to a friend of mine! That friend is awesome, but it remains to be seen how Bitchy Sister will turn out.
Then Poor Twin’s Poor Phone rings. It’s Chin Pubes. He tells her she’s in serious trouble! Then she sees someone outside her window! Well, it wouldn’t be a Sara Shepard-based show if there weren’t someone outside the window. I worry that this woman has dealt with a life of Peeping Toms and these books are a therapeutic means of dealing with that trauma.
Poor Twin and Adopted Dad have a talk. He’s seen a real improvement in her attitude in the last few days! Well, that was easy! All she had to do was be her real, poor person self! Then they bond over old shows and hug each other. Poor Twin is happy to have a real family. Listen, Poor Twin. There are tons of families just like yours back at Mobile Courtyard of Tornado Targets. I’m just sayin’.
Morning time! Bitchy Sister wakes up Poor Twin with a pillow to the head. Dear Younger Kids: This is why none of us like you. Poor Twin is excited about getting to dress in her fancy clothes. And she is excited about eating pancakes. Poor Twin is pretty much excited about life in general. Bitchy Sister runs out to the car and Poor Twin spends some time investigating family photos. She does a little digging about whether Adoptive Parents wanted one kid or two, which upsets Adoptive Mom. I’m thinking Rich Twin has already bungled this line of questioning previously, Poor Twin. Maybe you should keep your mouth shut.
At school, Bitchy Sister helpfully exposits that Dude on Motorcycle is named either Ethan or Even or Either (I don’t know, everyone mumbles!) and that he is the brother of the Scottsdale Sherrif’s deputy and is known as the local bad boy. Uh, if this guy is supposed to be the Pacey Witter of this show, we’re going to need to do some serious work with . . . well, just about all of him.
Everyone loves Poor Twin as Rich Twin! Apparently, Rich Twin’s Forty-Year Old friends’ parents were all friends before, but aren’t anymore. It’s the Sisterhood of the Travelling Plot-Free Show.
It’s lunch time! Poor Twin and Generic Handsome Boyfriend eat lunch together. And then they make out. But he feels like there’s something Poor Twin isn’t telling him. Poor Twin changes the subject by talking about her impending sports match against That Girl From Yesterday whose name I don’t know.
Now it’s time for that sportsmatch! Oh! It’s tennis! Convenient! Tennis montage! Poor Twin is doing very well – I think; I hate tennis – even though Chin Pubes had pointed out previously that she’d had no formal training because the school didn’t have a tennis team. Poor Twin beats That Girl From Yesterday! Everyone cheers!
After the match, Poor Twin notices Low-Rent Pacey Witter hanging around. She confronts him about why he’s stalking her, but he gets all offended and stomps off. So obvs he is screwing Rich Twin. This isn’t so hard to figure out, Poor Twin. My brain thinks it’s tomorrow already and I’ve figured it out.
Poor Twin realizes she left her gym bag at the tennis court, so goes back to retrieve it. And she sees Generic Handsome Boyfriend making out with That Girl From Yesterday that she just beat at tennis! Ruh roh!
So Poor Twin goes home and tells Adoptive Mom about it! Well! That’s some close bonding over a day! This conversation morphs into the secrets that Adoptive Mom and Dad are keeping from Rich (Poor) Twin! Poor Twin loves them, no matter what! She apologizes for her, i.e. Rich Twin’s, former behavior.
Poor Twin and Bitchy Sister are preparing for the party that That Girl From Yesterday is hosting. (Kesha? Aisha? So much mumbling!) The Forty Year Old Friends drop in to hurry them up.
They they all walk into the party like Mean Girls! Generic Handsome Boyfriend tries to get with Poor Twin, but she’s all, “Nuh uh, I saw you with That Girl From Yesterday.” Then Poor Twin and Nesha (Nesha! That’s her name!) get in a fight. And Poor Twin slaps her! Wow! That’s a lot of rage for someone you just met who kissed a boy you’ve dated for a day.
Poor Twin has to head to the cabin now to meet up with Rich Twin. She’s really sad to be leaving her new Forty Year Old friends. And then she gets kissed by Low Rent Pacey Witter! And he’s all, “I knew it! You’re not Rich Twin!”
Oh, wow. This show is still going on. Okay. Low Rent Pacey Witter is all, “I know you aren’t Rich Twin! I’ve been secretly dating Rich Twin for a year!” Poor Twin tries to cover by being bitchy and ditching him.
Cabin! Great! Someone’s going to be murdered now, right? That’s how this show starts, I think! Poor Twin walks into the cabin, calling for Rich Twin. A car pulls up! Poor Twin sees Rich Twin’s necklace laying on the ground! Then the person from the car comes in!
Oh, it’s just Low Rent Pacey Witter. He wants to know what Poor Twin has done with Rich Twin. So Poor Twin explains the premise of the pilot, which is super helpful. I wish she’d done this 50 minutes ago. She and Low Rent Pacey Witter wonder where Rich Twin is. Low Rent Pacey Witter says that Poor Twin will just have to pretend to be Rich Twin until Rich Twin gets home.
Poor Twin arrives at Casa Rica to see cops. Someone broke into the house! And stole Rich Twin’s computer! Ruh roh!
Hey! It’s the real Rich Twin! She’s in a car at Santa Monica pier. And then someone gets in the car! And she shrieks! And it fades to black! Wait! Was that the murder? I was promised a murder! Wasn’t I?
Well, that’s it. So, uh, what did you guys think? Maybe it was the jetlag talking, but it was no Pretty Little Liars. I mean, it was better than Secret Life, but that’s like saying the herpes sores on your mouth are better than the herpes sores on your genitals. Then again, everyone on my twitter feed seemed to love it, so what do I know? Possibly I should just get better Twitter friends.
Thoughts? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Do you want to be my new Twitter friend? Are you 40 or older?
