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We’ve got a secret. Can you keep it?
Catie and Alexis here, taking over FYA’s Pretty Little Liars recapping duties for season 4B! We have been unknowingly preparing for this day since Catie hopped on the PLL murder train last year and we started testing the limits of text delivery speed and teen angst capacity on a daily basis.
First off, our MVP, LVP, and biggest reveals for “Who’s in the Box?”
Shocker MVP
Season 4B’s premiere was hands down won by resident airhead Hanna Marin, despite the fact that these are actual things that came out of her mouth over the course of the hour:
“It’s kind of like a diary but more like a journal where she wrote things.”
“Gaze Bo” (said as two words that are just really good friends)
And finally, “I have a theory.”
The strength of this idiocy lies in context. That is, contextually, Hanna Marin’s last theory was that if you wanted to get rid of the gun that was planted in your mom’s closet and probably used to murder the pervy detective who has been stalking you and your friends for the last three seasons, the best way to do so would be to drive to nearest liberal arts college and use a beer glass to dig a hole to bury it in in the woods behind a raging sorority party. Thus Spencer’s face when Hanna says she has a theory:
Non-Shocker LVP
Aria Montgomery.
Who was legit bewildered as to why she wasn’t insanely happy that the Worst Girl in the World who has terrorized the Liars for years even from beyond the grave is actually alive.
Who wore half an 80s prom pouf funeral dress to go to FitzShorts’ no-cell-service murder cabin.
WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO START A SECRET AFFAIR WITH HER TEACHER. AGAIN. IN A MURDER CABIN.
BIGGEST REVEAL
Jason DiLaurentis has friends. Or rather: “friends.” In “Montana.”
BIGGEST NO-DUH
Emily realizing for herself, then telling Paige, “I don’t think she [Alison] ever loved anybody; I don’t think she knew how.” Emily, you unfailingly compassionate unicorn. I’d want to slap you for taking so long to get to this point, but you’ve suffered enough already for just being your perfect, forgiving self.
Now to the goods.
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
Every character got killed approximately forty hundred times. Oh, and Ali’s alive. For realz.*
(*Please place all “secret evil twin” theories in the comments for consideration.)
THE PLAY BY PLAY
The Liars convene in Spencer’s room sometime after Ali conveniently teleports out of yet another Rosewood backyard. Aria is confused about her emotions, even though they make sense: she isn’t thrilled Ali is back because Ali was kind of a horrible person. Emily is actually confused about her emotions, because she was in love with Ali, who was a kind of a horrible person, but maybe secretly nice?, and then definitely dead, but now alive, and… sigh. The girls look frightened (well, Spencer looks pissed), and ask each other: who was Ali afraid of?
Time for a quick trip to the crypt, like you do. This is when Hanna becomes this episode’s MVP, laying down mad logic while wearing a muppet stole. She reminds everyone that if Ali’s still alive, someone was buried in Ali’s grave (and dug up, and lost, and packed in ice in a soda chest on a murder train, and eventually interred more permanently***** in a mausoleum…).
*****lololololololol permanent
GIF from sy5starplaty
If they find out who’s in the box, MVP Marin says, the whole mystery will be solved. Which… okay. Baby steps, Hanna. Spencer suggests they track down Jason to see if he knows what’s up, but acknowledges—grudgingly—that Hanna has put forth an acceptable theory. They make their signature Liars Synchronized Turn and stare meaningfully at “Ali’s” crypt stone.
THEME SOOOOOONG.
One week later:
At the DiLaurentis house, Emily helps Mrs. D change the sheets on Ali’s bed, because that’s normal. Mrs. D explains our first Minor Character Absence by telling Em that Jason has been driving through the middle of nowhere to deal with the stress of having been dropped down an elevator shaft. She then rips the diary-text comforter from Ali’s bed, announcing, “time for a change, don’t you think?” After Mrs. D disappears to launder away her neuroses, Emily spies a picture of the four Liars with Ali, and sadly, symbolically, places her thumb over Ali’s face.
School time. Toby and Spencer reunite to some strummy guitars outside of the school. Someone honks and speeds by, almost hitting them. Surprise! It’s Mona, in Jenna’s Mustang AND Hepburn shades.
Who let Mona operate heavy machinery?
Second Minor Character Absence explanation, this time a two-fer: Shana of the Costume Shop was meeting Mona at the end of last summer to sign over Jenna’s car to Mona. Because Jenna is blind. And too sad to come back to school, we guess?
“There was a time Mona would have driven right over us…” Toby muses. “She must be making progress.” “Yeah, she’s working on her aim,” snarks Spencer.
Inside, Mona corners Hanna at her locker to gab away like a happy hen in a Pentagon of Secrets, and honestly we did not follow this conversation much because we can’t remember the current status of their relationship, but Hanna’s cold shoulder has apparently made Mona mad at Hanna. Also her dress has some mad cutouts.
“I can understand the others shutting me out, but not YOU, who I hit with a CAR and force-fed PIGGY CUPCAKES.”
Due to what we can only imagine is a malignant oversight, Ezra Fitz is apparently STILL allowed inside the walls of Rosewood High, so he stands at the front of a classroom lecturing to impressionable minds about how sometimes one part of a person might be nice and normal while another part is Super Evil. Hey, wait a minute… no, nevermind, they’re just reading Jekyll and Hyde.
More like Doctor A and Mr. Fitz. Show, you are not even TRYING at subtlety with your allusions this season.
Classes at Rosewood only last 45 seconds so the bell rings, and Ezra asks Aria to stay behind. He apologizes to her for putting her in an awkward position with his fake son (to which SHE apologizes, ugh), and then says: “I think my days are numbered here.” Aria says that hers are too, but that makes sense because she is a high school senior who will presumably graduate soon. Ezra asks if she might be interested in, y’know, starting things up again after graduation and bleechhhh noooo nope no no no.
The other Liars meanwhile gather in an empty A/V classroom, where Hanna is once again confusing Spencer by having good ideas.
“Wow, Hanna. You’re two for two.” WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED.
MVP Marin has tracked down another missing girl in their area, a blonde named Sara Harvey who disappeared around when Ali did, and emailed the girl’s friends asking if they might want to start a support group. Four seasons and one pair of buried Tory Burch therapist boots too late, Hanns. But as far as sleuthing goes, keep on keeping on.
Suddenly the projector starts playing an old-timey propaganda film. The camera lingers on the spliced-in image of a chalkboard, on which is scrawled…
Screencap from kissthemgoodbye
It’s a good thing that Spencer never loses at hide & seek.
Later, at the House of Hastings, Spencer asks her dad if he knows where Jason is. You know, because he’s his father and all. “Don’t be sarcastic, Spencer,” he all but laughs.
Papa Hastings wants Spencer to stay away from Mrs. DiLaurentis, but agrees to see if he can find out if Jason is all right. Spencer goes over to Toby’s, where he tells her that he tracked down a bunch of people that used to work at Radley with Dr. Palmer. Radley is owned by a big health care company, Declodyne, and evidently they have some reason to be covering up his mother’s non-suicide. Spencer’s Crazy Idea ears perk up and she says, “Did you ever see that Mythbusters where they prove that a mouse can scare an elephant?”
GIF from sy5starplaty
This is probably the sexiest anyone has ever said the word “Mythbusters.”
Spencer and Toby stake out Declodyne, where Spencer threatens the head lawyer with libel if she doesn’t provide evidence that Toby’s mom did not commit suicide. Instead of being like “that’s libel,” Head Lawyer looks worried and agrees to… give Toby the evidence. Annnnnd half a season of energy-sucking Toby Mom drama is resolved in a scene.
At Rear Window Brew, Hanna tells Em and Aria that she’s made them a coffee date with their doppelgangers, the friends of Sara “Also Blonde and Missing” Harvey. But then! CALEB RETURNS. And is annoyingly evasive about what he’s been up to, and keeps saying stuff like “It’s complicated [it’s ghosts]. I am keeping multiple promises [to dead ghosts]. Under the circumstances [namely: death]. It is complicated [basically: I died].” Then he tells Hanna that he came back because he missed watching her walk barefoot across the kitchen floor (Hanna Marin wears three inches or she wears nothing), and she is overcome with lust and they leave.
Later, the Liars go out to coffee with the Alt-Liars. They describe their friend Sara, who sounds a lot like Ali.
Meet Doppelhanner and Doppelflannel.
Sara was last seen (from a distance, on her bike) the day after Labor Day. Privately, the Liars are crushed because that’s one day after the cement was poured in Ali’s Gaze-Bo, meaning Sara couldn’t be Ali’s body. Because Ali has never once even tried to pretend to look like or be someone else in public, and she has never once even gotten another blonde to pretend to look like or be her in public. Never once.
In another grievous oversight of the Rosewood PD (RIP every last one), Ezra Fitz is somehow still allowed to walk the streets of Rosewood. He is perusing a used murder-book stall (Rear Window; he is thumbing through Rear Window) when Mona accosts him right there on the corner and tells him how much she is enjoying their current reading list. When Ezra doesn’t rise to the bait, she flirt-threatens him, noting that he has revealed all of his innermost secrets in the syllabus for his class. Stupid Fitz! Fitz lays it out for Mona that fear is the number one motivator at Rosewood High, and that’s why he has set out to terrorize/sleep with teenage girls. (Okay, the last part is subtext). And she is special. “Moi??” she asks. Yes, her, special, because she has shed her fear. Which makes her vulnerable. And our Mona, oh, our Mona: she tears up. She looks down, chastened. She nervously gathers her belongings. Basically: she plays him like a creepy blind girl’s flute.
As Mona walks away, EzrA turns over his shoulder to do his best attempt at an evil sneer.
Evil sneer foiled by dumb baby face.
At the Marins’, Ashley tells Hanna that Mrs. DiLaurentis has hired her! You know, since she had been having trouble finding a job after getting arrested for murder. “I’ll just go grab my real estate license,” Ashley says, running over to fetch it out of a cereal box. Down the block at House of Hastings, Spencer and Toby celebrate how they broke the Declodyne lady via illegal blackmail. Papa Hastings comes home and Toby demands that he recognize how genius his daughter is, getting Decoldyne to back down like that. “Declodyne?” says Papa Hastings. “Declodyne,” says Spencer. “Declodyne??” repeats Papa Hastings. “DECLODYNE,” says Toby. Declodyne.
And Papa Hastings suddenly becomes this guy:
After which he tells Toby what they should really do is hit Radley (Declodyne) where it hurts and take Radley (Declodyne) down brick by brick, because presumably all of the Hastings family secrets are probably tucked deep in its sub-sub-sub-basements, right below the ghost-dancing baby crib rooms. “I always do what’s best for my family,” he explains. IS THAT SO?
Across town, Aria has for some reason called Ezra to come pick her up. He offers to take her to his creepy murder cabin, which he claims to be looking after for a friend. In Murder Cabin, Ezra says he wants to take a time machine back and start his relationship with Aria over, without the mistakes. Listen, buddy: this isn’t Ravenswood. Time only moves forward here. Aria suggests faintly that maybe their illegal relationship was a mistake itself. Instead of agreeing with her, Ezra says they should treat Murder Cabin as a secret hideaway and then NO NO NO STOP KISSING STOOOOPPPPPP.
This will probably not end well.
At Rear Window, Doppelhanner (Claire) knocks on the door to talk to Emily. She explains that their friend Avery wasn’t at the meeting today because they keep adjusting her meds and she was busy sleeping. (We will bet you one pawned engagement ring that Avery is in Radley.) Doppelhanner says quietly to Emily, “Seeing you today made me so jealous. That your friend is dead.” The dramatic irony is heavy in this scene. Doppelhanner also plays it impressively real. We feel for you, Doppelhanner. Deep in our cracked hearts.
At Hanna’s house, Caleb tells her he is leaving. Hanna keeps slamming the door to keep him in, but he keeps saying depressedly that he just has to go. Eventually Caleb is crying and oh geez now we are all crying. He leaves and Ashley Mama Bear ZOOMS down the stairs to comfort Hanna.
Poor Hanners.
Meanwhile, EZRA AND ARIA APPARENTLY HAD SEX IN THE MURDER CABIN and if Aria wasn’t already our LVP for this episode, she definitely just cemented the title. She gazes forlornly out the window (that bad, huh?) while Ezra looks at… A SUPER OBVIOUS MURDER TRAP DOOR. Run, Aria, run awayyyyyyy.
In the episode’s most emotionally resonant scene, Emily confesses to Paige that Ali had let Emily kiss her. “I thought it was this incredible gift. Now I know better … I realized it didn’t mean anything to her.” Emily’s heart was broken, cracked right open, and Paige hates Ali for being so cruel. “Cruel would mean she cared what she was doing,” says poor Em. “I don’t think she did.” Paige wonders if Emily is finally finding closure, saying goodbye. They grasp hands and Emily silently prepares for what will surely be an awful future revelation.
Hanna catches up to Caleb outside the Brew as he is about to get in his car and drive away to Ravenswood and his absolute certain death. Again. Not that she needed to go an extra mile to get the MVP trophy, but Hanna also wins this week at maturity in the face of the world’s vaguest break-up:
Hanna: “Look, whatever happens, I’m not going to let that be the way we say goodbye.” [long, pained pause; soulful, pained gazing] “Goodbye.”
[Caleb fights back tears, gets into the car; Hanna hands him the coffee he left on the roof]
Hanna: “Hey, you’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached.”
[soulful gazing]
Caleb: “I’m not gonna forget anything.”
[Hanna steps back, tearlessly watching him drive off. Caleb is crying, again, and so are we, again.]
Yeah, you try being that mature when the love of your 17-year-old life leaves you for a ghost… ALL WHILE WEARING BRIGHT BLUE HAMMER PANTS.
Finally, Hanna’s Caleb-sadness morphs into Hanna’s Funeral-sadness as the Liars return to the crypt, where they comment quietly that even though they don’t know who is in Ali’s grave, it’s still somebody’s daughter, somebody’s friend.
“Rest in peace, Jane Doe.”
Hanna brings out Ali’s diary, and tells her friends that she’d kept it hidden “because of what she said about us. All of us.” Spencer takes it anyway and flips it open.
Meanwhile, out at the Murder Cabin, a shadowy figure enters, and pulls open the trap door, revealing… well, nothing. It’s too dark to see.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
KISSES,
A(lexis and Catie)
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
