Welcome to the 100th episode, Liars!
Because she is terrible (AKA super lucky and amazing and I love her), Catie is off gallivanting with her family in Greece for the next two weeks. What limited wifi she’s found she has used to discuss PLL with me, though, rest assured. To wit, she directed me to this amazing Buzzfeed list of a hundred characters on PLL who could be A. And given how this 100th episode unrolls itself, that is a PRETTY PERTINENT subject.
As if that list and the 100th episode itself weren’t enough to satisfy y’all until Catie’s return, we have a surprise! Our fabulous, hilarious, much-cooler-than-us commenter Rosemary has agreed to tag in for Catie this week and next. And she spent all day yesterday doing stretches and warm-ups and kicking her knife-filled punching bag in preparation, so you’d better believe she is here to BRING IT.
And now, without any further ado (but maybe a small apology for the SUPERSIZE novel that follows), the long and loving HUNDREDTH EPISODE recap!
THIS WEEK’S MVP
Anyone making it their mission to love and support Hanna gets auto-ups from this recapping team, so this week’s MVP is, of course, Tow-Truck Travis. He showed Hanna the stars, reminded her she wasn’t defined by Ali when Hanna was too anxious to SEE those stars, and, without any resentment, carried her home when she got thoroughly, bafflingly drunk at Lucas’ weird-ass party.
Baffling only to Travis, as the whole rest of the world was well aware it was the deadly combination of Ali and Caleb’s returns that did our girl in.
Runners-up: Ashley “I’ll be mad at you tomorrow when you can remember it” Marin, and Hanna herself, for being the support SPENCER needed after Veronica’s bombshell news.
THIS WEEK’S LVP
Marlene King for making #EzriaForever happen.
BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST REVEAL
Judging by the number of times we simultaneously messaged all caps OMG WHATs to each other, pretty much the whole episode. But if we HAVE to pick, we mean, c’mon. A HOUSE EXPLODED. A house exploded WHILE the simultaneous A text (Catie’s favorite!) returned, full force.
BIGGEST NO-DUH
The fact that #EzriaForever happened.
slash
Sydney Driscoll is part of MonA’s Army.
Like we didn’t know either of those things were coming.
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
The Liars got what they wanted: life without A, and Ali back. But it didn’t solve their problems, oh no! Hanna stopped knowing who the hell she was. Emily is no longer jazzed about Ali’s return. Mrs. D was gonna tell the police Spencer killed the girl in Ali’s grave and MAYBE Peter Hastings committed a murder of his own. And Aria obsessed over Shana’s death. There was a lot of porkpie hat.
THIS WEEK
I’ll Give You The Stars
Look! It’s Hanna and Travis! They are “finding planets” together on a blanket in the dark for a “school assignment.” But Hanna is too stuck on the “business casual” presentation dress code to actually look at any planets. “I’d rather wear vomit,” she proclaims disgustedly. Oh, also, Ali is going back to school the next day, and everyone thinking the Liars will be her puppets again has really thrown a wrench in Hanna’s psychological gears.
Travis pushes Hanna’s awesome new ‘do from her eyes and tells her to screw what everyone else thinks, because people know who she is. “They do?” Hanna says in a tone that is equal parts sad and pissed off. “Because lately I don’t.”
Aw, Han! Buck up! You’re totally on your way to knowing exactly who you are!
Nothing To See Here, Folks.
Ezra and Aria are walking down a dark Rosewood street the way so many students and their HS English teachers do. Aria is still obsessing over that time she maybe accidentally killed Shana, but Ezra tells her, again, to stop. There’s a hair touch and a moment of eye-gazing. (Begin #EzriaForever countdown…10…9…8…) Things are too easy, and Aria is still waiting for a text from A with a picture of her standing over Shana’s dead body. Ezra reassures her that she doesn’t have to live in fear of her cell phone anymore, which makes Aria snort. “My right eye still twitches every time I get a text.”
They spy Alison on their same dark Rosewood street, leaned into the window of a black SUV. When she sees Aria and Ezra, the SUV speeds away. In a stealthy maneuver, Alison turns the attention on the two of them, asking, “Is this a date?”
Aria and Ezra doth protest too much, so Ali explains that she’s out late because her dad doesn’t understand how school works, and she was getting paperwork from her mom’s office for the next day. Suddenly, a Raven5wood bus pulls up across the street and when it pulls away….OH SNAP! Jenna! That craftiest of blind ravens herself is BACK (or, 100th Episode Shocker #1).
Show Me A Hero And I’ll Write You A Tragedy
Toby and Spencer are making tea, discussing the human capacity to change and the relationship between action and character. You know, as one does in the Hastings family kitchen. “Been reading Fitzgerald?” Spencer teases. “Been RE-reading Fitzgerald,” Toby corrects. He and his hair may look stupid, but at least he’s got a firm grip on entry-level American lit, guys.
[Sidenote: We fell down a Fitzgerald quote rabbit hole trying to come up with a title for this section, and basically every damn thing the guy ever wrote is encoded Rosewood wisdom. We owe half our section headings to the man!]
One person whose action + character adds up to complete shade is Spencer’s father, who has been avoiding her like the plague ever since he “dropped Veronica off” at the “spa.” Also there’s Alison DiLaurentis, whose motives have been arguably less clear since she returned than they were when she was a red-coated ghost flying the rural Pennsylvania skies.
“Well, we wouldn’t be us if we didn’t believe in second chances, but it’s ok to close the door on someone if they’re toxic,” Toby says literally as his phone rings and it’s Jenna, his toxic stepsister who he hasn’t heard from since she moved to NYC [Yes: that NYC]. He answers; he gasps! Shana has been murdered! DUN DUN DUNNN!
Sorry, Tobes, but you’re like three episodes behind. Get with it, buddy!
Liars Summit, the First
The girls meet up at Ali’s house to discuss Jenna’s reappearance. Ali is watching out the windows, waiting for a blind girl to try to sneak up on them in the night. It’s Rosewood. Anything could happen. Emily tells Spencer that no one likes lying to Toby, but they’ve just gotta! Lying is always the answer! Look at all the trouble it’s spared them! In a lightning-brief moment of clarity, Aria insists that Spencer tell Toby the truth–they all need to stop trying to protect her. Spencer looks to Ali like she needs permission. “It’s not her decision,” Aria says so firmly we wanted to clap.
Em tells Ali she doesn’t have to stand watch; Toby was taking Jenna home. Spencer, despondently, adds how Toby had said Jenna sounded “broken.” To which EMILY, of all people, responds: “She’s still full on blind right?” And thus begins the onslaught of comments that make this episode so offensive to blind people.
“No offense [offense], but if she’s sad, she could cry in New York,” Emily continues, momentarily forgetting that she is the reason that Jenna is both blind and sad, and also that it is Hanna Marin’s job to say blunt, tactless, mostly true things in the face of emotional distress.
Thankfully, Hanna doesn’t let Em’s personality slip-up befuddle her own true nature: “We blinded her, we killed her girlfriend, and she is back to get us for it.” Period. End of discussion.
Except not really. Because now the girls are realizing that the “carefree senior year” they had envisioned was just a pipe dream. English teacher turned creeperific investigative journalist, multiple murder attempts, a fingerbone corset–all that, completely manageable. But now? Jenna “coming home to finish what Shana started?” NEW LEVEL OF HELL, apparently. Well, girls, two more seasons and a movie! Hell is just warming up.
Anyway, Ali assures them that they’ve already put up with too much on her behalf, and promises to make amends with everyone. So maybe Hell will be averted.
HAHAHAHA.
If a liar only ever tells her truths to a mirror, what does that make them?
SOFT FOCUS on Ali’s face in the mirror like she’s a 1940s film star and not a 17-year-old sociopath on ABC Family. She mutters Ali-style affirmations and tells herself she CAN do this. “You’ve been through a LOT worse,” she says, over reedy lyrics about wrecking balls and time to fall. Then she gets up, adjusts her finely tailored first-day-back-from-the-dead suit dress, and walks out the door.
That’s it. That’s the scene. But OUR QUESTION IS IMPORTANT. What does that make those truths???
Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope
The scoring of this whole scene is one of the best this show has ever given us, and two weeks ago we watched Hanna and Mona’s coming out to Icky Blossom’s “Babes,” so you’d better believe that bar is HIGH.
At school, Ali’s wrecking ball/begin again soundtrack quiets as the Liars wait anxiously for her to arrive. Aria can’t stop wondering why they didn’t pick her up. WHY didn’t they pick her up?? Well, Aria. Why haven’t you answered all her many calls since she’s been back? Why haven’t you been making space in your busy teen schedule just to spend time with her? Why haven’t you all been acting like she isn’t still dead?
F. Scott Fitzgerald
When Ali finally appears amidst the masses, she locks eyes with the Liars, but makes first contact with Cindy and Mindy, or–as Emily helpfully exposits re: Ali’s history with them–the gayrons.
Yes, gayrons. As in gay morons. Because if Ali is anything, she’s a wordsmith. But now Ali showers Cindy and Mindy with her magical Ali dust, which gives you the super power of forgetting what a terrible human being Ali is, and suddenly, they’ve forgiven her. Paige, understandably, can’t deal and storms off.
Ali finally reaches her friends. She smiles like it’s the first time she’s used the muscles in years. “Thanks for waiting for me,” she says, right as the music turns up and the singer crests on “I need to begin agaaaaaiiiiin!.”
Then, just like two weeks ago, multiple Liars round the corner of the school hallway in slow motion. And, just like two weeks ago, all eyes are on them. But as victorious and joyful and powerful as the soundtrack is, the looks on everyone’s faces–including Ali’s and the Liars’–are anxious, ambivalent, and powerless.
When the music stops, Ali has to go to the guidance counselor’s office first thing (JESSE!), and Em offers to take her. After they’ve gone, Hanna says, stunned, “As abnormal as this is, it kinda feels normal.” “I guess,” Spencer’s mouth says. “I don’t think so,” Spencer’s face says. “Spencer Hastings, report to the office,” a disembodied voice over the PA says.
And in the office? A frazzled Veronica, all but vibrating with the injunction that Spencer needs to go home right now to pack because…wait for it…she is leaving Peter (!) and she is TAKING SPENCER WITH HER (!!) (100th Episode Shocker #2)
Huh. It DOES kinda feel normal, Hanna, you’re right!
Rosewood High: Where Blind People Are People Too (Or Not)
Lucas finds Hanna in the hallway and wants to do something NO ONE ELSE is doing in school that day. Go to class? Learn something? No, what he doesn’t want to do is talk about Alison. He wants to talk about his new girlfriend instead! Because he totally, definitely has a new girlfriend! Yup, he sure does! She’s really real, and Hanna should totally come to his party tonight to meet her. Also attending the party? Lucas’s uber creepy facial hair. Sensing she might need a bodyguard/someone to test taste her drinks for roofies, Hanna asks if she can bring Travis. Verdict: yes.
At lunch, two of the three remaining Liars suddenly realize that they haven’t seen Ali all day, but Emily lets them know that all is well–Ali is just in “guidance counselor hell,” which seems hilariously hyperbolic in a town like Rosewood. Like, maybe the guidance counselor is a long day volunteering for litter removal at the local park. But not hell. However, Hanna’s worried about Spencer, not Ali. Aria offers to go by Spencer’s after school, because she wanted to go to Jenna’s anyway.
Hanna (wonderful, wonderful Hanna) doesn’t understand why Aria would want to hang with Jenna. “Last night, you thought she was staring blind daggers at you,” she says, in maybe the evening’s best line. But then she continues with:
GIF from orhgasm
…which is DEFINITELY the evening’s best line, but Aria is having none of it. Hanna can have her hobbies, and Em can have her carefree senior year, but Aria KILLED SOMEONE, and now someone else is hurting from it.
But, Hanna wants to know, what can you even DO about that?
“I CAN BE SORRY FOR HER LOSS,” Aria yells. “That’s what I can do.”
Aria Montgomery always makes good decisions
So, after school, Aria goes to Jenna’s creepy babydoll house, where the door is unlocked and ajar because nothing bad EVER happens in Rosewood. And because nothing bad EVER happens to Aria, especially in the vicinity of Jenna Marshall, Aria walks right on in.
ARIA. SERIOUSLY. DO NOT walk into a house of a known psycho just because she is blind and the door is ajar. ESPECIALLY if the door is ajar.
When she finds Jenna, folded up against the footboards, alone, weeping, Jenna looks up blindly. “Who’s there??” she demands. “IS SOMEONE THERE??”
So of course Aria ghosts right back out the way she came.
Welp. We guess that’s one way to “be sorry for her loss.”
When Rosewood Time Travels/Paige McCullers Is The Bravest Toaster/This is How an Alison Apologizes
In the locker room, Baby Fran Drescher Emily’s #1 Swimfan Sydney invites Emily to join her in hell, AKA a Frozen-themed sing-along hosted by the Glee Club. Emily makes a hilarious Adele Dazeem comment–hilarious because it refers to something that happens two years in the future in Rosewood time (though at this point, time travel wouldn’t be the craziest thing that’s happened on this show).
Happy to have done her part in getting Em out of the house (double entendre/cross), Sydney peaces, revealing a visibly upset Paige fumbling in her own locker, half engulfed by Ali feels, half tangled nearly to death in her shredded choker shirt.
Em knows Paige isn’t okay; Paige rolls her eyes, that statement is so completely inadequate. She can’t, she explains, can not be in the same room as Alison. Can hardly be in the same SCHOOL. “If you’re staying out of school to avoid her, then she still has power over you,” Emily says, a bit patronizingly.
“THEN SHE STILL HAS POWER OVER ME,” Paige exclaims, throwing her hands in the air. A big round of applause for Paige for actually being honest and admitting how she feels. Don’t clap too hard though. Remember: choker shirt.
Emily reminds Paige not to forget that she is the bravest person she knows. And Emily goes jogging on the nighttime streets of Murderville, PA on the regular, so she knows from brave. In fact, she knows Paige is SO BRAVE that she could be put in the same room as Ali and she’d totally be okay.
Our Liars are seeing problems very…clearly, of late.
So Emily forces Alison and Paige to confront each other. Alison kisses up SO HARD, but not to Paige–to Emily. “We’re lucky to have you as a friend,” she tells Em. Paige snorts, recognizing exactly who is being handled and why. “That’s the only thing we have in common,” she blazes back.
In what would be a heartfelt apology coming from anyone but Alison, Ali tells Paige, “I’m ashamed of the way I treated you. I put people down to feel better about myself.” But ol’ McCullers is serving up TRUTHS hot’n’ready all through this episode, and she ain’t having it.
Somehow, Paige is the one who has to exit that awful summit alone; Alison gets to stay back with Em. And apologizing to Paige sure caused Ali to work up an appetite! She asks Newly Ambivalent Emily if she wants to go on a date/get something to eat with her, but Em says she has plans already…with school friends…and, well, Paige will be there…so…yeah…
As Emily’s leaving, Ali tries one more grasp at her power over her. “When I was talking to Paige, I realized I owed you an apology too,” she says, stopping Em in her tracks.
Continuing, Ali admits that back in the Pre-A days, Emily’s feelings weren’t one-sided. “Those kisses weren’t just for practice,” Ali admits (groan). Emily wants to know why Ali is telling her this now and Ali shrugs. “I just thought you should know.”
O RLY? What totally random timing, Alison!
Em leaves like planned, but the hook, it has been baited.
Family quarrels are bitter things
Finally, back to the House of Hastings!
Frantically stuffing silk blouses into matching leather valises, Veronica is telling Spencer to take her jacket, to take her favorite gray sweater, to hurry hurry hurry. Basically, telling her everything EXCEPT what Spencer demands to know: what the hell is going on?
Fine, Spencer! You want the truth?! Peter did take Veronica to a spa, but she didn’t check in. She was working with a private investigator, and she found out that the night Jessica was killed, Peter and Melissa SAID they were at a diner in another town, but that was a lie. She thinks they both had something to do with it. Teary-eyed, Veronica explains that she thought she and Peter had an understanding that they’d never involve Spencer and Melissa in HASTINGS FAMILY MURDER DRAMS. “I’ll take care of you,” she finally promises Spencer. “We’ll take care of each other,” Spencer promises back.
Big change from that “we won’t protect you again” tune you were singing a couple months back in Spencer’s study-aid addiction, Veronica.
Veronica: “I can’t go through this with you again. I just don’t think I have it in me.”
GIF from prettylittleliarsquestions
Nice character growth?
Hanna does her homework
…retrieval. She does her homework retrieval, for Spencer, who obviously thought of her very first after Veronica broke the separation/possible premeditated murder news to her. The ladies Marin are now strangers to either, after all.
Ashley sticks her head in the door to remind Hanna/us that Travis exists and is downstairs (like we could ever forget! but also: Chekhov’s New Boyfriend), and to ask Spencer why she saw Veronica at the fancy downtown hotel that afternoon?
“We’re just having the plumbing redone is all,” Spencer says coolly. Then, to Hanna once Ashley leaves, “I’m not even really sure why I lied.” Motto of the show, right there! But also, Spencer is too broken up to think clearly, and Ali did nothing for her friends if not teach them how to lie unconsciously while devoting mental energy elsewhere.
GIF from spezra
Understatement/maximal delusion of the year
Hanna, who has the support of all the best people teaching her how to support all the best people right back, hugs Spencer and promises she has her back, forever and ever and ever.
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you
After sending Spencer back to her new hotel hideout, Hanna leaves with Travis for Lucas’ party. She is waiting in the Brew’s pick-up line, alone, for some pre-game caffeine when the ghost of young Johnny Depp appears–OH WAIT THAT’S CALEB. With a teen stache! (100th Episode Shocker #3–the stache, not Caleb, who was OBVIOUSLY coming back once Ravenswood got bulldozed/canceled).
Aw. We missed you, Caleb.
Anyway, Hanna’s freaking. “When did you get back? Why haven’t you called?” But then her coffees arrive and UNFORTCH it is, like, the one time a coffee shop gets the names on the cups right, and Caleb pointedly looks at the Hanna and Travis steaming cozily next to each other before disappearing like the Ghost of ABCFamily Shows Past (RIP Raven5wood).
Hanna, reeling, trades in her caffeine for bright blue jungle juice once she gets to Lucas’, drunk dialing Caleb all the while. She drops her phone and Lucas appears to retrieve it, noting a très obvious text from Ali that Hanna hasn’t seen yet. Lucas is in peak creep form tonight. “This is best consumed rapidly and repeatedly,” Creepy Lucas says pouring more date rape punch right down her throat (basically). Hanna wants to know more about his definitely-real-not-at-all-fake girlfriend and how totally they are DOING IT when Travis appears like a blaze of glory and catches her before she drunk stumbles into Lucas’ waiting arms.
Um…That Wasn’t In My “Rosewood And You” Pamphlet
Meanwhile, at Frozen…FROM THE FUTURE (On Ice!), Emily and Paige fill Sydney in on literally four seasons of Rosewood antics while in line at the concession stand. Welcome to Rosewood, you’ll love it here! EVERYONE MURDERS EACH OTHER.
It’s the best and fastest 100th episode recap of all time, if weirdly heavy on Bridget Woo references.
So Maybe Not FULL ON Blind
Speaking of creepy Rosewood antics, while Sydney is asking ALL THE QUESTIONS about what’s up in this cray cray town, Aria walks into her darkened house and just as she turns on the light and turns around to shut the front door–GASP! Jenna is standing on the threshold!
Girls: Jenna uses a white cane to get around. She shouldn’t be able to sneak up on you.
“I know it was you in my room today,” Definitely Blind Again Jenna tells Aria. She wants to know why Aria was at her house, and when Aria mumbles something about Shana, Jenna explodes back, “Why do YOU care?!”
“Well,” Aria hedges, “with Ali back, it’s bringing back a lot of stuff with everyone and we all feel terrible about our part in the accident.” Aria says. “And I was–” “Placating your guilt?” Jenna interrupts (ZING! But guilt over WHAT, Jenna? GUILT OVER WHAT.)
Aria reminds Jenna that she KNOWS what it’s like to lose a loved one, okay? Ali was gone for TWO WHOLE YEARS. “But you still have your friends,” Jenna points out, wiping away a crocodile tear. “I don’t have anybody left.” She pauses dramatically before adding in a sarcastic tone, “But I guess that’s nobody’s fault but my own.”
Hey everyone, remember when Jenna blackmailed her stepbrother into having sex with her? #NEVERFORGET
So, driven by her insane guilt, Aria invites Jenna in for tea. TEA. And to talk about Shana, because she is–what did Jenna call it? Oh, right, PLACATING HER GUILT.
Wait, No–THIS Is How An Alison Apologizes
When Ali finally realizes that no, Em is NOT coming back to her tonight, she makes her way home. Alone. On foot. Where, along the way, she is naturally menaced by creeping shadows, creeping black cars, and probably creeping dolls hiding in the bushes where we couldn’t see (FOLLOW ME END UP LIKE ME).
Scared, she runs into the MURDER CHURCH and sends an SOS text to the Liars (another Catie favorite!). She has clearly forgotten that Murder Church was the place where she had to push Ian from the belfry to save Spencer, and where Wilden threatened Hanna over a thumb drive, and which is basically the last place Ali should be going looking for sanctuary. And oh hey! Look! Mona’s there!
“YOU DON’T SCARE ME MONA!” Alison yells. Oh, but she should, Ali. She should. Mona knows the Liars and Ali were in NYC when Shana was killed…and she can prove it. What does Mona want? “What I’ve always wanted: for you to leave town.”
Ali tries to explain how she’s changed and is no longer a threat to Mona but Mona knows better. “Once I learn who a person truly is, I don’t give them the chance to teach me the lesson a second time.” Which, weird mantra. But also: hypocrisy!
Alison calls Mona out on just that. Ali may have bullied her, but how is what Mona did to the Liars all those years any different? She ran Hanna down with her CAR. How is Mona suddenly the victim?
Ali declares if Mona could prove the girls were in NYC, she would’ve done it by now. Mona declares right back that NO ONE WANTS ALI HERE.
“You’re wrong,” Ali says. “Everyone wants to be my friend and that’s what you’re afraid of. You’re scared because it won’t take me long to win over your army of losers. I made you Loser Mona once and I can do it again!”
AND BAM! Mona slaps Ali across the face (100th Episode Shocker #4), and after a short pause, Ali slaps her right back, striking Mona’s cheek so hard she draws blood (Shocker #5).
LIARS SUMMIT, THE SECOND
Back at Alison’s, the Liars (minus one drunken Hanna) convene to comfort/debrief a shaken Alison. Alison is so shaken, in fact, that she does the classic shaking mug on a saucer bit to show everyone just how scared she is. ::clatter clatter:: “I don’t think it was a coincidence that all of you were busy tonight,” Ali wavers. ::clatter clatter:: “Mona had help.” Yeah: Lucas and his facial hair, Sydney and her time traveling Disney sorcery, and Aria and her own guilt-placating craziness.
AriA?
Spencer takes the mug away from Ali before she shatters it, noting that it sounds like what Ali experienced was an ambush. When Ali tells them that Mona slapped her at Murder Church, Emily asks what she did next. “I just stared at her,” Ali lies after a beat.
Spencer: “I’m not really even sure why I lied..”
The PLL motto
Meanwhile, Hanna is rolling around drunkety drunk on her bed. Travis is the best boyfriend and Ashley is the best mother and Hanna is the saddest Hanna because Caleb is back and that, obviously, is why she got goosey with Lucas’ scary blue punch.
Oh, Hanna.
Youth is a dream, a form of chemical madness, AKA SHIP WRECKS
Ship Wreck #1: Alison <3s Em?
After the remaining girls have returned home (i.e., the local luxury hotel and the local pedophile hole), Alison talks Emily into spending the night. “Ali’s really missing her mom tonight,” Em tells her mom, lyingly, to get her to let her stay.
Sensing that she’s losing Emily’s allegiance, Alison does what she does best: manipulates her feelings. She says to Emily, “You probably don’t remember what I told you when I pulled you out of that barn.” Emily remembers every word, she just isn’t sure what was real and what she herself made up. “You said you missed me the most.” “You were the hardest one to leave behind,” Alison responds.
Ali’s machinations this time work: before they fall asleep, their sleepover turns PG-13 (100th Episode Shocker #6). It’s got nothing on the creep factor of the #EzriaForever shitshow, but it unfolds to the same sinister soundtrack, so it should be very clear that the motivations behind this development are not entirely pure.
Oh, Em.
Ship Wreck #2: When A Maaaaan Loves A(n Underage) Woman
Spoiler alert: Rosemary is taking this one, because once that pie appeared at Ezra’s door, all Alexis heard was static, and all she saw was flames.
Aria arrives at Ezra’s with a key lime pie and Ezra’s all “OMG pie/Sweat pants are all that fits me right now.”
They eat pie while Aria complains about life/killing people. Ezra wipes pie off Aria’s mouth and licks his finger, then makes a face that I think was meant to look regretful but mostly looked way perverted. (Remember that countdown from the opening scene? …7….6…..5…) He reminds Aria that she shouldn’t feel bad about Shana, because remember what Shana did to him?!?! Then he stands up and separates his lounge top from his lounge pants to show her his abs scar (4…3…) and she says she is sorry while she, like, massages his stomach? (2…1…) Then he, somewhat forcefully, pulls her out of his chair and says he never wants her to say she’s sorry again.
Yes: that’s right. ARIA is apologizing to EZRA, the GROWN MAN who stalked and seduced her and did nothing to end the cyberterrorism she suffered for YEARS that he knew all about.
CUE #EZRIAFOREVER HASHTAG
Then a touch of the statch rape happens (note: *technically* legal in PA, but technicalities are the devil’s handiwork) while the ALL-TIME GREATEST creeper anthem, “I’ll Be Watching You,” covered in the creepiest way possible, plays in the background. Because seriously, Aria, before he was humping you on the kitchen counter, he WAS watching you.
Before long, they’ve moved this party to the bed, and in an attempt to transfer traditional gender roles/thoroughly gross us out, Aria asks Ezra, “Does that hurt?” LOL OMG WUT?! I mean, I get that she is referring to his gunshot wound but SERIOUSLY, GUYS?! Then we see Aria’s naked back as she pulls the sheets over them AND SCENE.
So if you were wondering what Marlene King thinks about your opposition to pedophiles, well, now you know.
LIARS SUMMIT THE THIRD: Ali’s Liars meet MonA’s Army
Hanna is hungover, y’all, and she looks it. She’s rocking a toboggan like it’s 1993 and in this moment, she definitely has the angst to pull it off.
With zero segue, Aliso demands that one of the other Liars explain to HER how Mona knew they were in New York that one interminable night. Thankfully, Spencer is there to explain how anyone can teach themselves anyone with a strong enough wifi connection and obsessive enough attention. Like, for example, how to make your own satellite. You can also learn how to use a bluetooth sniper rifle to capture someone’s entire cell phone contents from 1000 yards away.
Bluetooth sniper rifle! Thank you, 100th episode. You are finally making Mona’s hyperreality make some sense…some. There’s still no clear tie between how blue-snarfing (yes, that is a real term, apparently) would have been of use to Mona on that New York night, when Noel Kahn had all the Liars’ phones for literally the only reason of not letting anyone use said phones to figure out where the Liars really were. But the fact that you, episode, WANT to give us some logic to grasp onto? That is a comfort.
Alison is already weary of being back in MonA’s public sights. Well, too bad, Ali! Because school is SUPER public and wouldn’t you know it? Here’s Mona herself, rocking the scratch on her face like a pair of bedazzled hoop earrings gifted to her by Beyoncé herself–oh wait, in true Mona fashion, she is ALSO rocking a pair of bedazzled hoop earrings. #MonaOurQueen.
Mona and her scratch are not alone: she is surrounded, literally, by her new Army. Lucas steps up first, telling Ali they all knew she hadn’t changed. Ali tries to feign innocence, so Mona pushes her way past Cindy and Mindy and announces, in a breaking voice, that Ali attacked her last night–and she has the **slightly edited** cell phone video to prove it!
For once, Alison is without words. With nothing to say and no way to sociopath her way out of this situation, she runs away.
In the bathroom, the Liars hold an interwenchion. When asked what the EFF is going on, Ali claims she was set up. She tells them that Mona slapped her first and that this is all one of Mona’s psychotic games, reminding them that Spencer ended up in Radley after a stunt just like this. But Emily ain’t having it. “You went out of your way to lie to us,” she says. “AGAIN.” And the Liars storm off as one, leaving Alison alone in the bathroom.
So we drove on toward death through the cooling twilight.
At the Secret Park of Villains, a sleek black car pulls up behind a familiar blue Mustang. Sydney Driscoll (!!) steps out. “Nice car,” she says, eyeing the ‘stang as she makes her way to the front of her car to lend JENNA a helping hand. (100th Episode Shocker #7) Yup, yes, you betcha. Sydney Driscoll is friends with Jenna because no one who moves to Rosewood JUST FREAKING MOVES TO ROSEWOOD.
Sydney and Jenna mosey on over to the Picnic Table of Doom where Scarface Mona is waiting for them to share what they have learned from tea time with Aria and pool time with Emily. To wit: the Liars don’t want things like they were. “They remember how Ali treated them,” Sydney says. Jenna continues, “Like they were her dolls.” Mona gives her mustache-twirling villain smile, then all three turn as the tires of a third car approach…
There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice. AKA SHIPS AHOY!
While still marinating in secrecy and lies, the two bad new ‘ships got their groove on; after the reveal of Ali’s confrontation with Mona, and after Spencer reveals the truth of Shana’s death to Toby, the two healthy ‘ships get their moment to shine. Toxic relationships are built in the quagmire of lies and deceit; healthy relationships on the struts of hard honesty and trust. WE’RE JUST SAYING.
Spencer is worried Toby will be mad at her for waiting so long to tell him about Shana, but no. He wants to make sure she knows–KNOWS–she’s never alone, in anything. And when they get their sexytimes on, you know it’s true love, because THAT HAIR.
The music swells, and it is another scoring victory as the line “I don’t deserve your love” crests as the camera finds Caleb drinking a beer alone in the park.
Hanna finds him, finally, and makes him talk to her–Why won’t he return her calls? Travis is a nice guy, he didn’t come back to screw that up. Why did you come back? Pointed look. Did you change your hair because Alison’s back? Probably.–so, he’s not answering her, as every question she asks get a skewed reply, but at least he’s talking to her.
We are a bit miffed that there is CLEARLY a shortage of decent high school guys for these girls to date in Rosewood, and they give Hanna the only two good ones (well, the only two good ones who have never once been A), forcing her and us to choose where to direct our affections. DON’T MAKE US CHOOSE, MARLENE.
“Angry, and half in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away.”
In the best fakeout scene our recent PLL memory can recall, we cut from the Hanna+Caleb reunion to the Fields house, where Emily is watching an old movie like a regular Aria Montgomery while Ali tries to get her attention, tries to get her to just look at her. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth?” Emily finally demands. “It’s so much easier than lying. “I was afraid I was going to lose you,” Ali replies, simply. She reaches out for Em’s hair, goes to kiss her. Em pulls away.
The writers have set us up for another deeply felt, complexly emotional confrontation, but then Em’s black and white movie is interrupted with BREAKING NEWS!!! Dinging alert bells and badly lit press conference milling and all! And then they introduce the Rosewood Police Chief, AKA, the least competent human being in Rosewood, who is about to make a statement about the identity of the girl whose body was thought to be Alison’s.
Texts are sent, Liars are summoned. Before long, the gang’s all gathered in Emily’s living room (we think; they do all pretty much live in the same house). And when we say gang, we mean GANG. For the first time ever, every major player (minus Paige) is in the same room.
Ezra is ensconced in a harem of teenaged Rosewood girls, like in his most favorite dream. Ali is returned from the dead. Caleb is returned from Raven5wood, which is pretty much the same thing. And as they wait for the Least Competent Human in Rosewood to make his announcement, they all hold hands. Emily and the girl who didn’t end up dead in that grave; Spencer and her second, third, fourth-chance Toby; Hanna and her ghost ex-boyfriend; Aria and her grown-ass teacher.
And then the announcement is made. The girl in the grave of Alison DiLaurentis, alleged kidnap victim? (“wait, did he say alleged??”) is…
GIF from elementofcrime
There’s a quiet moment as the gang lets this information sink in, and then!
EXPLOSION!!!!! SHATTERING GLASS!!! EVERYONE DUCK!! FIRE! APOCALPYSE! CARS FLYING THROUGH THE AIR! 100TH EPISODE SHOCKER #8! THE END IS NIGH! THE END IS NIIIIIIGH!
They rush outside through the hole that was Emily’s front window (didn’t they JUST get that fixed after a car drove through it? Consider them dropped from their homeowner’s insurance!) There are overturned cars in the street, everything is either black and smoldering or still on fire. And the source of the destruction?
Oh shit. Someone blew up Toby and Jenna’s house!
Caleb, like a real genius, asks if any one was inside and Toby runs off to find Jenna just as….
THE WHOLE GANG GETS A GROUP TEXT.
This was exactly what Rosemary typed as she was watching, unedited. HOW COULD WE NOT ASK HER TO TAG IN?
AGGGHHHHHH GROUP TEXTS! A IS BACK FEELINGS OMG TOBY’S HOUSE AND ALL THE CARS WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?!?!
What’s Up With A
YUP, A is back with a literal bang and moving on up in the world! New house, new tech. The Woman in Black’s outfit is arranged menacingly on a dress form in the corner, right next to the giant dollhouse wrapped tightly in plastic. A turns up the police scanner before the movers have even left the room. Again not a damn soul of the everyday Rosewood public makes any comment about a grown human wandering around the inside of a house in full black attire, hood up, gloves on.
YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM, ROSEWOOD PUBLIC. YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
NEXT WEEK
…we continue right where we left off, with SEVEN cell phone alerts dinging from New A, and Toby’s house burning in the background.
Until then,
Kisses,
A(lexis and Rosemary)
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
