Previously on UnReal, our new suitor is Darius Beck (a Black football player), and Chet is back to ruin Quinn and Rachel’s vision of Everlasting (and their alliance).
The Rundown
Now that Quinn has agreed to a compromise with Chet, she’s back as showrunner, leaving Rachel in a very dark place. It’s all good, though, because her mom sent her a care package! Of pills! Thanks, Mommy Dearest. Rachel throws them in the trash, but by the end of the episode, she’s dumpster diving.
The pressure is on (Quinn: “We promised the network suicide ratings, and we need to deliver.”), and Rachel and Quinn’s relationship is deteriorating because of it. Also suffering? The show. Rachel convinces Beth Ann Confederate Barbie to wear her Confederate Flag bikini, but once CB realizes it’s Darius, whom she loooooves, she makes up for the initial faux pas by taking off her top. (Rachel: “Racism is confusing, isn’t it?”) Meanwhile, Jay tells Ruby that she can’t trust Rachel, but he swears to help her win and advises her not to play the Angry Black Bitch card. She still ends up sporting an “I CAN’T BREATHE” shirt and teaches Darius a thing or two, but not as much as Tiffany, #1 wifey, daughter of a football coach and, oops, fellator of Romeo, who promises not to spill the beans so that, per Rachel, he still has a chance to get everything that Chet promised him. (Romeo: “Everyone is manipulating everybody.” Rachel: “Yes, but I am the only one doing it for the right reasons.”)
Oh yeah, and Chantal doesn’t kiss on the first date, while Hot Rachel falls in the pool (in order to be rescued by Darius) and forms an alliance with Madison, who is vying to be the New Rachel.
Throughout all of this dramz, Chet and Quinn are filming their own versions of the show, with Jeremy heading up Chet’s team (of course) and Quinn ordering Rachel around, just like last season. Chet’s version, “EverBLASTING [insert CGI flame],” is all about the T&A (Chet: “Don’t cover the boobies! We missed the boobies! It’s like a tree falling in a forest.”), while Quinn’s is all about the fairy tale, but after Rachel tattles to Gary, the network president, he brings in someone who can take care of business– Rachel Coleman, a hotshot who is leaning towards Chet’s way of thinking. “This is gonna be fun,” he says. AGREED.
This Week’s Wifey
Ruby is sticking to her mission, Hot Rachel is certainly not to be discounted, and Confederate Barbie is making surprising headway, but really, I was just excited to learn that one of the girls is a cop! And another is an MMA FIGHTER? Yes. Please.
This Week’s Villain
When is Chet NOT going to be the villain? Dude is as dumb and useless as a bag of dicks.
True Love, People
STILL no sign of real romance. I suppose that Coleman and Rachel might be a thing? At some point? Meanwhile, the honeymoon period for Quinn and Rachel is decidedly OVER.
Quinning
Graham: “You know, I can sing.”
QUINN MIC DROP.
Quinn: “You know, and I can shoot ping pong balls out of my vagina, but no one wants to see that either.”
Quinn: “It’s your kingdom. Come and get it.”
Spoken (to Chet) like a true fairy queen.
Rachel: “That’s a Black wifey! That’s a Blifey!”
Because it’s only episode 2, but we’re already a little tired of Rachel.
Quinn: “Okay, you can pat your liberal white self on the back later.”
Quinn: “I know you think you’re broadcasting a revolution, but what I need are wet panties.”
Eyes on the prize
Quinn: “I need that shirt.”
Gazing upon Ruby’s “I CAN’T BREATHE” t-shirt and being terrible/awesome.
Burning Questions
- Is it too early for Quinn and Rachel’s relationship to be obliterated? Hello, they just got matching Money. Dick. Power. tattoos!
- But seriously, what is up with Quinn turning on Rachel so quickly? “Maybe your mother was right… you’re great, until you’re not.” WHAAAA? I don’t disagree, Rachel is not healthy, but it felt unrealistic for Quinn to suddenly turn her back on a woman she recently made showrunner.
- Rich girl problems are the worst, right? (That one’s just for Tiffany.)
- Did anyone else catch Darius calling County Line the best BBQ in Texas? Oh, Hollywood and your fabrications!
- Is it wrong to wish that Coleman was hotter?
- Jay says that Quinn is never going to leave. True or false? He also says that Rachel can never be Quinn, because she doesn’t have “the cheekbones to pull it off.” True or false?
- Chet has footage of Tiffany and Romeo getting intimate. How will that play out?
- Will anyone ever care about Graham, his parties or his singing voice?
Let’s get catty in the comments!
