Welcome back, friends! Did you spend so much time over the past two weeks so worried about Rogelio that you had Miseria–themed stress dreams? I mean, I didn’t, obviously, I’m totally too seasoned a tv-viewer to have suffered so, but I mean, I’m here for you if, you know, that was something happening in your life…
AWARDS
THIS WEEK’S MVP(arent)
Raf, I think, for knowing when to step in and when to step off with Petra and her ambivalence towards/fear of new motherhood, all with Anna and Elsa’s (lol) emotional health and happiness in mind.
BEST TELENOVELA TWIST
…was super meta this week, as Jane’s gruff new writing advisor was portrayed by none other than the episode’s IRL director!
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Where’d You Go Bernadette specifically, and book clubs generally (hey yo!) when Jane interrupted Michael’s mom’s meeting.
I love inter-textual shout-outs, especially when the text in question is as freaking fantastic as that book is (just ask Richard Linklater and Cate Blanchett).
PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN
With Rafael stuck in traffic with Michael on the other side of Miami after participating in a failed sting operation on the sometimes-girlfriend of Rafael’s brother-from-a-crimelord-mother, Jane had to step in and play birthing coach to her seasons-long frenemy, Petra, who finally gave birth to her TWO. BABIES. They’re named Anna and Elsa, but obviously only Jane would be so dorky as to think it any reference to some silly animated kids’ movie. Over on the Villanueva-De la Vega side of the story, Xiomara and Alba had a big fight over Alba’s hypocrisy judging Xo for her “loose ways” all her life, when in reality Alba herself slept with someone before marriage. They made up, and as a peace offering, Xo invited said ex-lover to visit. The catch? He’s a legit bad luck charm! As for Rogelio, after he and Xo broke up and he and Jane had an argument over it, his new PA/old prison pen pal/forever stalker, Lola, trapped him inside his condo for two weeks in an attempt to Stockholm him in to loving her. He almost escaped, slipping one of his night-night pills into her wine, but she woke up before he could and whacked his beautiful face with one of his many acting awards. ROGELIOOOOOOOO!
Oh, right: and Jane and Michael got engaged.
THIS WEEK
Baby!Jane Rules
Unsurprisingly, Jane has always felt very strongly about Her Way Of Doing Things, whether the question at hand is of politics, wardrobe, or superstition. When she was 9, that superstition never exceeded Alba’s promise of bad luck if Jane let her feet be swept over. Now that she’s an adult, however, those superstitions carry a lot more weight. Or rather, the fallout from them does. And since Alba’s long lost first love, PABLO ALONSO SEGURO, is chockablock full of bad luck and on his way to the Villanuevas’ house this very moment, that fallout is something Alba is desperate that Jane (and Xo, and she herself) find a way to avoid.
Despite the very dramatic, convincing tale Alba weaves about how the flowerbed she and PABLO ALONSO SEGURO made love on was immediately overcome by a summer frost and never bloomed again, neither Jane nor Xo give credence to the idea that the man himself can be cursed. Then he shows up at their door, all six-and-a-half-feet, heart-shaped spurs, and glorious mustache, and the power in their entire house—and ONLY their house—blinks out. I’m sure it’s fine!
Still, he came all the way from Venezuela just to see Alba, and she’s not enough of a scaredy cat to be egregiously rude, so the next day when he comes back (power still out) she comes out of her room in her prettiest pink sweater, flirts a bit, and finally agrees to go on a *single* date with him to thank him for all the trouble.
And then the wind blows a candle over and sets a tablecloth on fire.
I’M SURE IT’S FINE.
It’s Not Fine
Even though PABLO ALONSO SEGURO is in town at her and Xo’s request, and even though his cursed nature seems by now much more likely to be real, Jane has two other major tasks to cross off her To-Do List: secure a new writing adviser, and successfully pull off Jane+Michael’s Engagement Party 2: The Re-Engagementing.
Neither goes well.
The new writing adviser Jane has found (and I’m with the VoG in thinking that she’s among the last in the whole department to be *available* as an adviser) is an uncompromising women’s studies elitist, with no small chip on her shoulder about the entire Romance genre. News alert, though: almost every genre suffers severe eye-rolling in most MFA ivory towers. Anyway, despite the fact that BARF is the literal, out-loud reaction this academic professional has to Jane’s entire being, the woman is stuck taking her on as an advisee.
If she does HAVE to read Jane’s nauseating clichés, though, Jane’s new adviser will at least insist on the requirement that it always passes the Bechdel Test. And while I A) don’t believe for one moment that Jane has never heard of the Bechdel Test, and B) think that the Bechdel Test is useful as a starting point in a more nuanced approach to creative work (as Jane itself proves subtly throughout the rest of the episode) but is not the Be All And End All of Good and Fair Writing, I definitely approve of using Jane as audience proxy to introduce an important track of discussion to a wide, non-academic, not-necessarily-media-obsessed viewership.
On the engagement party front, what seems at first to be a positive result of the party announcement—both of Michael’s estranged (like, two steps away from being comic book villain-estranged) parents agreeing to come and share the same oxygen as one another for the first time in years—quickly blooms into disaster. Because what Michael’s parents agreed on? That he should NOT marry Jane, because Jane is BAD NEWS.
This is a fun (“fun”) turn of events, because we in the audience have spent almost two years operating at various levels of “wow, sucks for Michael, but WOW, MICHAEL SUCKS,” and seeing two brand new characters sweep into the world and completely cold-shoulder Jane (like, Michael’s mom physically recoils and pulls her purse in as close to her chest as she can get it when she sees Jane in Michael’s house, it’s great and awful), well, it’s completely disorienting. Their position makes (a degree) of sense, and it is that very sense that causes Jane to try to let them have their say not once, but twice—first in Michael’s front hall, then again at dinner, in public, where these two grown adults proceed to say just the most awful things to her in the form of a criminal interrogation. No wonder you’re divorced, folks! You’re terrible at people! Honestly, between this behavior and the fact that Michael’s brother exists at all (he’s not coming to the engagement party, thank god), we should all be so grateful for Michael having turned out as great as he did.
Speaking of Heroes
Rogelio is still missing in action. And while a few weeks of silent diva treatment isn’t impossible, radio silence at the news that Jane is marrying Michael is. So at last Jane and Xo think to worry, and they call Michael to swing by the condo and check in on the errant brogelio of his heart.
And thank Dios Jane called Michael when she did, because Paola/Lola had chosen that very night as the one on which she would livestream her and Rogelio’s murder-suicide. Luckily, Michael is tipped off to things being amiss when he sees Ro’s unopened Cosmetics Crate sitting on the mat (look: skincare and psychic wellbeing are important even with severe cuts to one’s lifestyle budget [look: I love my Birchbox]), and between him sneaking out to the patio and Rogelio spying him and putting his acting chops to use one last time to distract Lola with an impassioned request that they film from the balcony, where there is better lighting and a more dramatic skyline, Michael is able to take Lola by surprise and cuff her before any murder OR suicide can be carried out.
And thus, Lola is vanquished, and Rogelio is free. Well, free except from his agent’s interdiction on sharing his story with any news outlet before they can get word back from *the* José Díaz-Balart on Telemundo about an interview exclusive, and also from the memory that he and Xo are no longer together and thus that he is cut off from his closest confidante/the family and love that flashed before his eyes when he truly thought he was about to die. But physically, Ro is free! And his daughter is engaged to his best friend! And he has 1.3 million new Twitter followers! And the EMT may not have known the name of the best wound concealer off the top of his head, but that latest Cosmetics Crate is still unopened and may yet contain the perfect product!
Things are really looking up for Rogelio, yes indeed.
Flying Purple Blue People Pleaser
Michael long ago learned how to deal with his parents, and he knows more about the mechanics of their relationship in the past year and loves Jane—AND MATEO—more than they ever could, so he cuts the dinn-terrogation short and takes Jane by the hand to walk out of the restaurant.
Unfortunately, while he is all ready to write his parents off entirely from the party, and likely the wedding itself, Jane is not. She’s a people pleaser, so sets out—just like she set out to completely revise her entire manuscript to earn a paltry a bit better email from her grouchy new adviser—to change at least Michael’s mom’s mind about Jane’s rightness for Michael’s life. And I mean she SETS. OUT. In her shiny blue Cruze, zooming the hundreds of miles both directions just to give an impassioned front porch speech.
Jane gets the reprieve she was after, but only due to peer pressure. And when Jane has to abandon her own engagement party to race over to Telemundo and be there for Rogelio as he finally has the panic attack that’s been building up since Lola first locked him inside his own condo (which—where is he sleeping now???), Michael’s parents’ bad opinion of her turns platinum. Nevermind that a parent getting kidnapped is obviously more important than a single party with people who love you enough to understand priorities, and nevermind that Michael himself is 1000% behind Jane’s decision and Rogelio’s health and happiness—his parents DIS.AP.PROVE. And they tell Jane so plainly and with severe feeling when she and Rogelio finally do make it just as the party is ending.
Thankfully, Jane has learned her lesson about being liked. As in, she just cannot always be, not by everyone. And so she sighs and smiles and expresses her disappointment that they can’t be happy with or for her and Michael, but that she knows where she and Michael stand, and hopes they will still make it to the wedding. And her smile doesn’t falter, even when Michael’s mom’s response is a cutting, “we’ll be there to support HIM, not YOU.” Family: you can’t pick ’em.
Family: Solano Variations
Speaking of family Raf didn’t pick, he’s stuck at the Marbella this week with three new additions: the twin infant daughters Petra snuck into existence behind his back (whom he loves), and the grown dbag half-brother Michael’s investigation of Raf’s crimelord mother only recently uncovered (whom he distrusts). The former Raf is stuck parenting alone, as Petra is too driven to prove she can be a working mother/not discover if she is as bad a natural mom as her own was to spend more than a passing moment with either baby. This problem, thankfully, is easily solved. Raf sends the pair of Swedish nannies Petra hired away for the night, and encourages Petra to join him and the girls in some family bonding time.
The latter, though…that’s not so easy.
For one: Derek has severe #richboyprivilege. “I’ve got a buddy from prep school who became a top-tier lawyer,” he smugs, after he finally corners Raf and Raf suggests that he go in and talk to the cops on his own. He claims that, like Raf, he didn’t know Elena was a criminal until the news broke weeks ago, and also that, like Raf, he had no idea he had a brother of any sort until that same time. He CLAIMS that. With his words. With he face and voice and whole THING, though? He basically says the opposite. And then he spends the next day taking every possible opportunity to insult Raf’s hotel and restaurant before finally wearing him down so much that Raf is willing to ignore all of Michael’s warnings about never following Derek to a second location or letting him trap Raf alone anywhere when Derek suggests that he’s willing to tell Raf everything about where he’s been since Elena’s identity was revealed, if only Raf follows him to a secret location where the two of them can speak, alone.
The location? A yacht. On the water. With no cell service.
RAF.
Alas, Derek’s sure-to-be evil side does not show itself yet. He brings a bottle of scotch out to meet Raf, not a gun, and proceeds to come clean (“clean”) about how he freaked out when he saw Elena’s name on the news and got word that the police were seizing all of their family’s assets, so he got on the yacht and headed straight to the middle of the ocean. Why? Well, for one he had a lot to think about, like if his dad, who ran half marathons twice a year but still died of a freak heart attack in his 40s, wasn’t maybe actually murdered? And whether or not, for two, if wouldn’t be better if Derek offed himself while he was out there, since he had no family anymore and all. But on that count he punked out, and instead just headed back to Miami.
Raf’s magic word, in case you’ve forgotten, is family, so this last point really sticks with him. “You’re wrong there,” he says gently. “You DO have family.” And after they bond over a glass or two of scotch, Raf brings Derek back to the Marbella, where he calls Michael and tells the detective clearly and in unequivocal language right there with Derek looking on that he believes HIS BROTHER is telling the truth about everything. And DAMN if Raf hasn’t secretly been taking acting lessons from Rogelio, because that was one solid day of work he put in with Derek just now. The kid thinks he’s got Raf eating out of his family-sob-story palm.
PABLO ALONSO SEGURO: THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE DATE
And finally, Alba. Alba, who put on her date night best for her night out dancing with PABLO ALONSO SEGURO. Alba, who put up such a good fight all episode against the curse that would befall her family if she actually went through with the flirtation she started over wires and across thousands of miles. Alba, who finally gives in to her own feelings and PABLO ALONSO SEGURO and his very dramatic mustache and even more dramatic tango skills. Alba, whose warnings about the curse can no longer be ignored, as, at the very moment she and PABLO ALONSO SEGURO kiss for the first time in decades, the Villanuevas’ roof collapses under a flood from the actual heavens (/attic).
Alba! You were so very right all along!!!
NEXT TIME
CHARO!
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
