Howdy, TVDers! If you’re suffering from the blues this post-US-election week, we’ve got just the cure! No, not shirtless Salvatore’s, unfortunately. But if there’s one thing we here at FYA believe in, it’s cocktails. And if there’s two things we believe in, it’s cocktails and democracy, and the people have spoken! Last week, some of you might have mentioned that you’d like more George in these TVD recaps, and so, more George you will get! This week, George and I decided to recap the episode together, with our conversations included, so it’ll be just like you’re in our living room with us!
So grab a drink or ten and pull up a sofa…
Out in the middle of nowhere, dude transfers the unconscious body of Elena from one vehicle to another, is thanked, and eaten.
Jenny: aaaannnd fruit punch mouth.
George: I hope he doesn’t get pulled over this morning, ’cause from the stains on his chin, he’s clearly been drinking.
The former COTEP (now Just Jeremy-JJ for short) sees that Elena isn’t home. In fact, her bed hasn’t been slept in! Then Caroline is explaining what happened with were-Tyler to Damon. Damon calls were-Tyler a tool.
Jenny: Damon, he’s also a dick.
Damon is awesome. Drink! He presses upon Caroline the importance of keeping their vampirism a secret from were-Tyler. She goes to school.
George: Aw, Damon’s so helpful.
Were-Tyler is sad about the dead girls at school.
George: Wow, Mystic Falls is gonna beat Sunnydale’s record for student mortality rates.
Then were-Tyler does some super-strong stuff like break his locker. JJ tells Stefan that if he’s supposed to cover for Elena when she has a Salvatore sleepover, that he needs a heads-up. This is when they realize Elena is missing.
George: Stefan! She’s been kidnapped by a low-rent Johnny Greenwood!
Low-rent Johnny Greenwood brings Elena to an old plantation.
Jenny: British vampires!
British vampire lady smacks the shizz out of Elena. Stefan and Damon discuss whether Katherine is behind Elena’s disappearance. Stefan wants to go talk to Katherine.
George: When did Damon become the voice of reason?
Were-Tyler tries to talk to Caroline, and she plays innocent about the whole were-thing, pretending not to know what he’s talking about.
George: (imitating Caroline) How did I know what? That you were a tool?
Back at the plantation, Elena wakes up from her beating, and listens to the British vampires arguing.
George: Poor Elena, that looks like the worst trip to Anthropologie ever.
They talk about some super scary-bad dude named Elijah.
Jenny: Oooh, who’s Elijah?
George: Maybe it’s Elijah Wood! Remember how scared you were after you had that dream that he ate your feet?
(I had just watched Sin City.)
The British vampire lady tells Elena that there’s no hope for escape, and that Elijah is her worst nightmare.
George: Definitely Elijah Wood!
Bonnie agrees with Damon-
Jenny & George: gasp!
-that it’s a bad idea for Stefan to talk to Katherine. Then she offers up a solution that involves JJ’s blood spilled on a map.
George: It’s just like T2…with blood!
Jenny: Oooh, Mystic Falls is just west of Richmond!
They get a location, sort of, but then Jeremy says he’ll use his GPS to see what’s around and help them figure it out. Damon shows up and tells Stefan he’s going to go with him. Drink! Were-Tyler is playing basketball when he sees Caroline.
George: Aw, were-Tyler’s Teen Wolf Two-ing it up! Ha! Did you see that? Timber wolves are the school mascot!
Confronted with an angry were, Caroline twists his arm behind his back, but then denies it happened. Were-Tyler kicks a trash can in his rage, and it flies into a car.
Jenny: Salvatore brothers ROAD TRIP!!!!
Stefan thanks Damon for coming with him, and tries to get Damon to talk about his feelings for Elena.
Jenny: Awkward!
Damon refuses to emote, and is awesome. Drink! JJ mapquests the area the blood-map showed on his phone, and finds out that the only thing for miles is a big ole’ plantation.
Jenny: How convenient for them.
George: Did he really just look that up on Bing?
Bonnie decides to try to magic a note to Elena, but she gets a nose-bleed and faints. Elena, searching for answers, pesters the British Vampire lady about why they have her.
Turns out the girl vampire’s name is Rose.
Jenny: Hmmmm
Rose tells her that she and low-rent Johnny Greenwood and have been on the run from the ‘Originals’ for 500 years, and want to use Elena as a bargaining chip for their freedom.
George: Ooooh, vampire lore.
Apparently, Elena is the key to breaking the sun and the moon curse. She mentions the moonstone. Twice. Drink! Rose tells her that as the doppelganger, Elena has to die. Caroline comes home to a not-empty house, and were-Tyler tries to get her to say she’s a were, too, like him.
Jenny: Say it! Out. Loud. George: Frankenstein!…uh, I mean, werewolf.
She reveals that she is not, in fact, a were. Okay? Still searching for answers, Elena starts questioning low-rent Johnny Greenwood.
George: Extra drink for calling Elena ‘doppelicious!’
Turns out the whole reason low-rent Johnny Greenwood is in trouble with ‘the originals’ is because he helped Katherine escape her fate, all those years ago.
Jenny: What?!! What was her fate?!!!!!
JJ and Bonnie connect over their loneliness. JJ makes a funny! Drink! Bonnie explains that using the magic drains her physically. JJ asks her how she knows all of this.
George: I read it in here: Hogwarts, a History.
They look like they might kiss.
George: Kiss!
They don’t. Back at the plantation, Elena gets Bonnie’s note that Stefan and Damon are coming for her! In the car, Stefan and Damon are getting close.
George: Ooh, it’s Capri-Sun time!
The boys share a juice box of blood, and Stefan shows off his new-found control over bloodlust. He tells Damon that he’s been drinking from Elena every day.
Jenny: Poor Damon
But Damon is awesome. Drink! Then Damon reminds Stefan about how Stefan used to be when he was all bad and evil, so he doesn’t have to show that his heart hurts. There is a knock on the plantation door, and Rose goes to answer it. Elena realizes that the two British vampires are scared of whomever is at the door…
Jenny: For some reason I was expecting Harry Hamlin
George: Aaand you got him! Like, an LA Law, 20-years younger version.
Jenny: Does everybody have a day-walking ring?
George: Maybe they’re prizes in vampire crackerjack boxes.
Rose tries to bargain with young Harry Hamlin for freedom in exchange for Elena.
George: Don’t believe young Harry Hamlin, Rose!
Young Harry Hamlin meets Elena and sniffs her. He is duly impressed. The Salvatore’s have a moment before busting up in the plantation. Drink! Elena pleads with Rose not to let young Harry Hamlin take her. But first, low-rent Johnny Greenwood gets his pardon. And his head PUNCHED OFF!!!
George: Vampires stay mad about stuff for a loooong time.
Elena stalls by mentioning the moonstone. Drink! Young Harry Hamlin is impressed by her negotiating skills.
Jenny: He recognizes potential for her to join his law firm!
Then he snaps off her special vervain necklace that Stefan gave her, and compels her to tell him where the moonstone is. And that’s when the Salvatores bust up in there and whoosh around real fast, causing some confusion.
George: Vampires love a good game of hide ‘n seek.
Young Harry Hamlin talks about how they’re dumb if they think they can beat him, but the Salvatore’s have already got the girls! (Of course they do.) Elena throws a vervain grenade at young Harry Hamlin, but he heals real quick. Then Stefan rapid-fire shoots him with some wooden pellets, and tackles him down the stairs. But then young Harry Hamlin gets up and isn’t even dazed, and he’s about to punch Stefan’s head off! Then Damon does something awesome! Drink! by staking young Harry Hamlin to the front door with a coat rack. Rose runs off. Elena and Damon make eye-contact Drink! and she starts to run down the stairs to him, and he starts to smile, but then Stefan steps in, and swoops her up in his arms. Elena hugs him tight, but opens her eyes and sends silent thanks to Damon. Drink!
George: Aw, poor Damon. Stefan, always fang-blocking him. Jenny: Am I the only one still concerned with the very old, and possibly not-dead-dead vampire staked to the door?
JJ is waiting by a sleeping Bonnie when Elena comes home, and the three of them have a sweet and tear-filled reunion.
Jenny: I’m glad Elena and JJ are tight again.
Back at the Salvatore’s,…
George: Scotchy-scotch-scotch!
…Stefan apologizes to Damon for turning him all those years ago. He didn’t want to be alone. He needed his brother. Damon is moved. Drink! Caroline and were-Tyler compare monsterism.
George: It’s like they’re awkwardly comparing notes on mystical puberty.
Caroline tells were-Tyler she’s the only vampire in Mystic Falls, and that he can’t tell anyone about either of them. He knows this, and besides, he has nobody to tell.
Jenny: Because he’s a tool.
They hug.
George: Awwwwww….
Rose shows up at the Salvatores.
George: haha, hide ‘n seek again!
She tells him that his friend Lexi told her he was a good vampire.
George: Was that the same Lexi you went to the Bon Jovi concert with, Stefan?
Rose just doesn’t want to run anymore. Stefan says he can’t help her.
George: And you can’t join the cast of this show…
She says the ‘originals’ will come for Elena because they are doing it for ‘him’: Klaus.
Jenny: Nomi?
George: Kinski?
Elena, ready for bed, finds Damon in her room. And he saved her special necklace! He has something to tell her. But Elena doesn’t want him to.
Jenny: Why, Elena, because you know you feel the same way?
He tells her that he loves her, and that he doesn’t deserve her, and that Stefan does, and that because he loves her, he can’t be selfish with her. Then he makes her forget he said it!!!! She opens her eyes to find the necklace mysteriously around her neck.
Jenny: Oh Damon, you…. you…
George: Don’t feel too bad, I think he might have copped a feel just then.
And back at the plantation, a zoom-in on young Harry Hamlin shows him coming back to life and removing the coat rack from his middle.
George: Why did they just leave him hanging there?
Jenny: I would have beheaded him for sure.
So the plot thickens, yeah? As per yoosh, please comment with your thoughts, questions, theories, and favorite bits, until next week, when we get more Katherine!
