The Rundown
While Chet is busy getting his Michael Bay on with ATVs, explosions and an obstacle course, Quinn decides to “go balls deep in this bitch,” and be hands on with the girls, namely by pitting Chantal, the girl whose fiancée died in the car accident, against Brandy, the mixed martial arts fighter who was abused as a child. Oh, THIS will end well. Meanwhile, Darius refuses to do anything physical, because his body is a commodity, i.e. insured for $50 million. But is that the only reason?
Coleman is learning the tricks (and lows) of the trade by watching Quinn and Rachel work their magic. “War is easy. These girls are hard,” says Rachel. Apparently, Coleman is letting Chet loose so that he can hang himself on his own rope, and that doesn’t take long, obviously. Quinn is calling the shots by the midpoint of the shoot and collecting the fruit of her manipulating labor. Brandy throws Chantal off the climbing wall during the obstacle course and lands herself in The Hole (which is obviously designed to trigger flashbacks) while earning Chantal a “hospital” visit from Darius, who kisses her while eying the camera. This dude knows how to play the game.
But since Brandy still won the obstacle course, she gets a one-on-one Darius dinner, where she tells him about her horrible childhood and the abuse (including cigarette burns) she suffered. Darius, touched, gives her a kiss as well, but an hour later, he sends her packing, because she’s a pathological liar… according to her mom, who showed up on set. Those of us who know Quinn and Rachel can already guess the punchline: the “mom” is merely an actress from Central Casting, and Brandy’s history is real, which is why she screams and tackles Darius. This scene is all kinds of ouch, especially for Darius, who definitely has some kind of injury that is now back in full force. He and Romeo are moving back to the mansion (suck it, Chet!), but who knows how much moving he’ll be doing in the next few days.
The next day, Gary arrives with a fancy car (and Everlasting vanity plates, of course) and awards it to the person who made the last 24 hours of filming extraordinary… Coleman! RECORD SCRATCH. Quinn is pissed, so Gary tells her all about Rachel’s visit (RUH-ROH), which leads Rachel to scurry away and start packing. Coleman stops her and insists that, together, they could make something greater than Chet and Quinn could even dream of, and he’s definitely speaking Rachel’s love language, because they start kissing frantically.
Meanwhile, Chet has been dealing with the news that he’s lost custody of his baby son to Cynthia… so why is he suddenly picking that (surprisingly cute) baby out of his crib?
This Week’s Wifey
Ruby remains my favorite, and with Jay by her side, I think she stands a chance. Sure, there was a bit of a Cinderella thing happening but as a person who straight up LOVES fancy dresses and make-up, I thought it was pretty sweet when she asked Hot Rachel to help her get gussied up.
While Jay was pushing false eyelashes on Ruby, Madison was giving the mother of all fake pep talks to Confederate Barbie: “You are like Donald Trump with boobs.” I’m not rooting for Beth Ann, but I hope she sticks around for a while because Madison’s manipulation techniques are MY FAVORITE.
This Week’s Villain
Yeeesh, what Quinn and Rachel did to Brandy is… real bad, y’all. Real bad.
True Love, People
Could Ruby really have feelings for Darius? More importantly, are they strong enough to last through all of this dramz? All signs point to NO.
Quinning
Quinn: “I mean, have your balls even dropped yet? Or do we still have that to look forward to?”
Reminding Coleman that he’s never been in charge of a reality TV show before.
Quinn: “Who put that band around her head? Looks like a fortune teller.”
Enjoying the soap opera vibe of Chantal’s hospital scene.
Coleman: “The two of you together are terrifying.”
Taking credit where it’s due.
Quinn: “Thank you.”
Quinn: “I am SO hard right now.”
Yelled at a TV monitor displaying the emotional equivalent of a car accident, while grabbing her crotch. Classic.
Burning Questions
- Wait, Coleman is only 28? Um, does anyone else feel like that makes him even less attractive? WHERE IS FREDDIE STROMA?
- So is Darius’ injury a back thing? Is this some kind of Jason Street situation?!
- Anyone else feel like retching when Hot Rachel and Jeremy were flirting?
- What is Quinn going to do to Rachel?!
Next Week
If you watched the trailer for next week… (skip to the comments if you didn’t watch it, as this is a slight spoiler!)…
So it’s gonna be Quinn & Chet versus Rachel & Coleman? Really? UGH. That seriously bums me out.
Join me in the comments with your answers and thoughts on this week’s hi-jinks and depravity.
