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Good Morning TVD fans!!! Welcome back to another recap of the best show on television about vampires and humans and humans who see the ghosts of dead vampire girlfriends and vampires who like werewolves and vampires who are also werewolves and men in a club called handsome.
Due to much debating in the commentary after last weeks episode, I want to revisit our handsome club role call. Instead of figuring out who’s included and who’s not in the original handsome club, we’ve decided to do this:
The Handsome Club Members: (accept no substitute)
- Alaric (President)
- Damon
- YHH
The Evil Handsome Club: (thanks to Maggie’s suggestion at the end of last season)
- Klaus
- Stefan
The Handsome Club, Junior League, Paranormal Division:
- Jeremy
- Matt
- Tyler
Damon gets a phone call, and it’s Katherine! I’ve missed your curly hair and snarky commentary, lady vampire. Damon is awesome Drink! Turns out Katherine has been keeping tabs on the Evil Handsome Club, and they’re in Chicago. Klaus wants Stefan to revisit memories of his ‘Ripper’ days, and I’m not sure if I should be perplexed that when I hear the word ‘Ripper’, my brain automatically conjures a certain sexy librarian rather than ‘Jack the’. Anyway, flashback! Drink! It’s prohibition! Thank goodness the government hasn’t outlawed blood drinking…
Flapper Stefan — what’s the male version of a flapper? — enters a swinging night-club where he seems to know lots of people, except the girl who played Samara on PLL! Who’s now a vampire!
“I’m staring at your mouth, too.”
Back in the present, Elena wakes up snuggling with Damon, and displays Oscar-worthy acting by pretending to be repulsed. Damon tells her they’re going to Chicago to find Stefan, and helps her pack by going through her underwear drawer. He is awesome. Drink!
In Caroline’s own personal Saw movie hell, Daddy HRG is pumping some sort of gas into the chamber. Why are you doing this to Caroline, Daddy HRG?!!! Oh, I see. You think you are performing some sort of tough love on Caroline, by removing her daywalking ring (which my computer is determined should read ‘jaywalking ring’. Ha!) and tempting her with a blood cupcake, and then dowsing her in sunlight!!! OH no!!!! Don’t burn up, Caroline!!!!
With a nice music segue, we are following Damon and Elena, oblivious to poor Caroline’s fate as they road trip it to Chicago. Damon wants Elena to read Stefan’s diary, but Elena is convinced she doesn’t want to invade Stefan’s privacy. Damon is awesome Drink! and flashback! Drink! The girl who played Samara on PLL suddenly has a British accent! Back in the present, the evil handsome club shows up at a bar, and the lady who has been singing in all the nightclub flashbacks is there! And she’s hardly aged at all! Because she’s a witch! Apparently, she can slow down the aging process, but the blonde hair is forever. Whoo, don’t tell Bonnie about those spells, or there’ll be no living with her. Speaking of which, where the hell is Bonnie? Also? Another black witch. Hmmm. What the hell, CW? While I am distracted by the curious case of the black witches, Stefan finds a photograph of himself with Klaus. Looks like this isn’t the first road trip taken by the evil handsome club?
George: You’ve always been the caretaker, Stefan…
Poor Caroline is still walkin’ on sunshine, and it don’t feel good. Daddy HRG is going all Clockwork Orange and trying to ‘cure’ the vampire out of her.
Damon and Elena visit Stefan’s old apartment in Chicago, which is, strangely, just like he left it. Damon shows Elena the contents of Stefan’s secret bootlegger closet, where she sees an enormous list of Stefan’s victims. Damon continues to press the acceptable words used on television by calling Stefan a ‘cocky ripper douche’, and follows it up with a Great Gatsby reference, and it is awesome. Drink!
Stefan wonders why he can’t remember Klaus, and flashback Drink! vampire three way! With the girl who played Samara on PLL! And she’s wearing a magical necklace! And I think it’s the one that is currently around Elena’s neck! But Klaus interrupts them, makes fun of Stefan’s hair Drink! and oh snap! The girl who played Samara on PLL is Klaus’s sister!!! I guess that means she’s in a coffin somewhere near YHH with an ash dagger in her heart.
The evil handsome club is in a garage full of coffins! Well, that was quick. Hey Klaus, unstick YHH while you’re at it m’kay? I miss him. He wakes up the sister who played Samara on PLL instead. Flashback. Drink! Stefan goes all indecent proposal on some poor guy and his wife while Klaus and his sister who played Samara on PLL watch on with giggles. Oooh, that’s some cold shit, Stefan, making a man drink his wife’s blood. In the present, Klaus tries to tell Stefan that he used to really look up to him. Awww…
Damon walks into Gloria’s bar (the forever young witch), but she isn’t really forthcoming with information. Meanwhile, Elena has succumbed to temptation and is reading Stefan’s journal. Apparently, Lexi was around back then!
George: Oh, Lexi, what were you doing in the ’20’s, trying to take Stefan to a Glenn Miller concert?
But then Klaus and Stefan come in!!!!! OH SHIT!!!!! Elena is hiding in the secret kill list closet, and Klaus opens the door! And we find out that Stefan kept that list so he could relive his kills over and over! Bad Stefan. Stefan peeks and shares meaningful eye contact with her. Drink! Then he pulls out an old bottle of something to drink and Klaus is awesome Drink! by suggesting they go find someone to pair it with.
George: and some fava beans, ffppffppffpp…
Damon returns to Stefan’s apartment, to the relief of Elena, and aw, he’s super freaked out that he left her alone and she could have been killed! Because he really, really cares, Elena. He really does. Then he is awesome. Drink! But I don’t like his plan of him distracting Klaus so Elena can get Stefan away. Because, you guys, Damon CAN’T die. FREALS.
At Gloria’s bar, Klaus is sad, because back in the old days, Stefan wanted to be Klaus’s wingman. Flashback! Drink! Klaus and Stefan are buddies, and Klaus is warning Stefan about not getting his heart broken when sister who played Samara on PLL inevitably leaves him. Aw, Klaus, looking out for a buddy.
Poor Caroline is in pretty rough shape. Daddy HRG is getting all sentimental, and we find out that he’s trying to torture the vampire out of her so he won’t have to kill her! But then he goes outside, and meets the barrel of a gun attached to the hands of mommy sheriff! Yay mommy sheriff! She and Tyler bust Caroline outta there! Hurray!!!!
Flashback Drink! The police break in to the speak easy, and Klaus and his sister leave, but not before compelling Stefan to forget about him. In the present, Stefan asks the same thing George and I are asking: what is Klaus afraid of? Who’s chasing him? Damon shows up, and Stefan tells him that Klaus CAN’T know that Elena is alive, and to tell Elena to just forget about him. But we all know how persistent Elena has been, so Damon says ‘you tell her’. Then Damon goes back in to distract Klaus, and is awesome. Drink! Then Klaus is awesome. Drink! But then he grabs Damon! And it cuts to Stefan and Elena! She just wants you to come home, Stefan, but she’s going to stab you with a vervain syringe! But Stefan stops her and tells her he’s having too much fun! And Klaus is squeezing Damon’s throat and stabbing him with a drink umbrella! How embarrassing! Then he breaks a chair and is going to stake Damon! But then Gloria says ‘not in my bar’, and burns the stake up! Whew! Klaus’s disappointment at not being able to kill Damon is still charming enough to Drink!, even though I’m relieved.
Outside, Stefan tells Elena that they are done, done. She thinks she can help him back from his wild ways just like Lexi did back in the day, but he tells her that he was pretty much in rehab for thirty years last time, and so, that’s not gonna work.
Mommy Sheriff is giving Caroline blood chicken soup, but she’s still having a sad Drink! about her dad torturing her and stuff. Tyler comes in and makes her laugh, which makes me like Tyler a lot. Take care of my girl, Tyler.
Back at the coffin chop shop, Klaus finds that his sister who played Samara on PLL isn’t in her coffin. He calls out to her, and OMG, she rushes up and stabs him with the ash dagger!!! Flashback! Drink! Klaus wants to leave, but the sister who played Samara on PLL is waiting for Stefan, ’cause she doesn’t know Klaus compelled him. Klaus tells her to choose him or Stefan, and he stabs her! In the present, Klaus pulls out the ash dagger! HOLY SHIT! Stefan comes in and Klaus uncompells him so he remembers everything, including being in love with the sister who played Samara on PLL. Flashback! Drink! Stefan IS friends with Klaus.
In the present, Klaus asks the sister who played Samara on PLL what she has that Gloria needs, and it’s the necklace that is now on Elena’s neck!
Katherine calls Damon again, and when she hangs up, flashback! Drink! The police are cleaning up the bar, and Katherine is there!!!! WTF?!!! The present tells us Katherine is in Chicago, too, by not so subtle placement of a city bus and a cab.
Holy crap! Let’s talk! Why were they calling Klaus ‘Nick’ in the past? Is he St. Nicholas, too? Looks like Bonnie’s finally back next week too! What do y’all think?
