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How did it already get to be the FOURTH episode of season 3 of The Vampire Diaries?!!!! It seemed like just last week was the ALL SUMMER I was waiting for it to come back on, and now we’re already in 4-deep? What the what?!!!
Last week we discovered that there’s a bad bigger than Klaus, and it might just be Sebastian Roche, who I didn’t recognize in the last episode, but who’s been in, like, everything, so he’s got his evil sussed out. (Or does he?) We’re also waiting to meet the rest of the originals, (who may or may not include names such as Martha, Tyrone, and Enrique — thanks, Susie!)
So grill up a Salvatore Sandwich, grab a drink and get ready for some shirtlessness awesome plot lines!
Hey, Chicago! Klaus and Stefan are sipping the bubbly in a fancy dress store! And the sister who used to play Samara on PLL is dressed like a prostitute! And makes a joke about how girls nowadays dress like prostitutes! Not all of us, sister who used to play Samara on PLL, not all of us. Anyways, Drink! The sister who used to play Samara on PLL (which is getting hard to retype — or actually ‘command + v’ — so I guess we’ll just have to call her Rebecca now.) was a lot more attractive as a flapper. Klaus is awesome. Drink! Stefan goes out for a breath of fresh air, and gets a breath of fresh Katherine!
At the Gilbert’s, Elena is making chili for another Mystic Falls Founders party (have they learned NOTHING in 3 seasons? Damon and Elena flirt shamelessly Drink! while Alaric looks handsome. Like he does.
Katherine asks Stefan about Rebecca’s necklace that he gave to Elena, but he tells her he’s got it all under control.
Jeremy wakes up with Anna next to him, and she’s very happy that he can finally hear her. She’s been trying to talk to him for days and days. Meaningful eye contact ensues. Drink! Caroline comes bearing food and Bonnie for the Mystic Falls Founders thing (of death). Hi Bonnie! Welcome back! Jeremy’s just upstairs with one of his dead ex-girlfriends… Hugs. Jeremy sees her and there are smooches, but then sees Anna watching him scornfully in the mirror. Try a pottery wheel, Anna. Just a suggestion.
Damon and mommy sheriff are discussing Caroline’s gay dad, HRG, and Damon is awesome. Drink! Mommy sheriff wants Damon to erase HRG’s memory to protect Caroline. So he does. (Or does he?)
At Gloria’s, Rebecca’s inner hoochie-mama is out in full force, as Gloria uses magic to try to find Rebecca & Elena’s necklace. It makes the necklace burn Elena’s chest! Bonnie tries to touch it and it goes all sparky, and Gloria declares that she’s found it! Only, she hasn’t really found it. She needs more time, so Stefan convinces Klaus and Rebecca that they should all go grab a bite to eat.
At the Mystic Falls Founders thing of death, people are picnicking. Bonnie works on a spell to identify the spell that made the necklace sparky, while Caroline asks Elena what the deal is between her and Damon, saying that she can’t just switch Salvatores. YES she can, Caroline! She can switch and switch again… and then the necklace starts floating. Damon inspects the several pots of chili he predicted would be there, and Alaric steps in and tells him that he needs to back off of the closeness/flirty thing with Elena. Damon doesn’t like that idea, but has to go join the predicted secret council meeting.
Rebecca is having a hard time adjusting to the whole ‘she’s been dead-dead for 90 years and everybody has changed’ thing. Teasing ensues. Drink! Turns out having an original for a big brother is pretty much like having just a regular big brother around.
George: Except his noogies can kill you.
Jeremy shuts himself inside a room at the Mystic Falls Founders thing of death to talk to Anna. She wants to know why he hasn’t discussed her with Bonnie, and tells him not to let Vicki in, because she’s bad news, just like always. (Or is she?) They touch hands.
Stefan asks Gloria what she saw about the necklace, and she tells him not to worry, she has no intention of helping Klaus. But she wants the necklace for herself. Like, really bad. Stefan tries to attack her, and she drops him with a magic migraine! Stefan wakes up shirtless, strapped to a table, surrounded by candles,
George: Man, I HATE it when that happens!
and Gloria tries to cut the truth out of him. Ayieyieyieyie!!!! She puts silver pins inside his open wounds and burns him with vervain hands! Also, Shirtless Salvatore? Drink? (I feel guilty, on account of the torture.)
As the council meeting wraps up, Daddy HRG arrives, and he’s not compelled at all! Shazam! Drink!
Bonnie tells Jeremy that she doesn’t have access to the hundred dead witches Drink! since she raised him from the dead. Anna appears and tells Jeremy that the darkness is near and all the books he and Bonnie are reading spontaneously combust!
Gloria compliments Stefan on his ability to endure torture, then proceeds to suck the information out of him with her vervain hands! She knows Elena is the doppelgnger! And that she’s not dead! Then Katherine shows up and is awesome! Drink! And stabs Gloria in the neck! I kind of liked Gloria, but if she’s going to go around torturing Stefan and threatening Elena, she’s gotta go.
Damon tells Elena and Alaric how the compulsion didn’t work on Daddy HRG, and how ironic it is that he threatened to ‘out’ Damon. Drink! Turns out Daddy HRG wants control of the council. Hmmm… Damon wants to kill him, but Alaric tells him to back off, and then Damon tells Alaric to get out of his way, and then snaps his neck!!! Damon, I love you, I do, and I know you know Alaric is wearing his ring of invincibility, but don’t even JOKE about killing the president of the Handsome Club!!! I mean, he’s YOUR president! That’s like making jokes about bombs in an airport. It’s something WE. DO. NOT. DO. And what is that going to do for your relationship, hmm? The two of you together is one of the best things about this show, and you go and jeopardize that? So I can’t even drink at your awesome line. Let that be a lesson to you.
As they clean up Gloria, Katherine tells Stefan he should bond with Klaus to make Rebecca jealous, and is awesome Drink!. She asks why Stefan is hanging out with Klaus, and they talk about the vampire hunter Sebastian Roche! Katherine tells him she wants to join in on his plan, and Stefan is awesome. Drink!
Tyler gets home to find Vampire Barbie on his bed hiding out from Daddy HRG, and she tells him that even though he tried to torture the vampire out of her, she still loves her dad.
George: Pshaw! Who taught these Mystic Falls kids to be so forgiving and understanding of their crazy-ass parents?
Then there’s more vampire/werewolf sexy times! Caroline, it’s been my experience that removing the shirt from a smelly, sweaty man, doesn’t remove the odor, but oh, what the hell.
They are interrupted by Elena, calling to tell her that Damon is alone with Daddy HRG, who tells Damon he’s been honing his mind to avoid compulsion for decades, and is awesome. Drink! He suggests that Damon isn’t self-destructive enough to kill him, but we all know that if Damon is anything, it’s a titty-bit self-destructive. Damon proves this point by eating him a little! But then Caroline comes in all grunting and backhanding Damon across the room! She gives her dad some of her blood and is awesome Drink! but Damon is out. of. control. and attacks her again! But Caroline is awesome AGAIN! Drink! and gets her dad out of there, just as Elena comes in. Elena tells Damon he has to stop it with the bad behavior, but he tells her she should stop with the trying to turn him into Stefan. Ouch.
Anna sneaks up on Jeremy in the bathroom, and just when I’m beginning to think maybe she’s not so good after all, he tells her he can’t keep seeing her like this and shuts her out, and I know that means bad things are gonna happen. Bonnie is cleaning up the ash from the book burning, and Jeremy comes clean to her about the ghosts of girlfriends past. All the while, poor Anna is crying for him to hear her, all alone.
Stefan is in the coffin chop shop, and OH, I hope he’s going to wake up YHH!!!!!!!! I’m so excited! Dammit. Rebecca comes in. Shoot. He tries to find out who it is that Klaus is afraid of, but she just gets philosophical. Then Rebecca grabs him and kisses him and is sweet, asking if he’ll ever love anyone else as much as he loves Elena, but it’s a trick! She tells Klaus that Stefan was poking around for information about ‘Michael’, (Ooooh! Could she mean Sebastian Roche, Vampire Hunter?) and Klaus charges him!!!! Oh shit.
Damon is making some… whiskey sours, by the look of them, in time for Alaric to wake up. They yell at each other, which makes me hope, for my own selfish reasons, that they can still be friends. Then Alaric tells Damon he’s a dick Drink! and leaves.
George: This Handsome Club Meeting is ADJOURNED!
Caroline tries really hard not to tell Elena ‘I told you so’ about Damon, but Elena can’t admit that she loves Damon, even a little bit. They see Daddy HRG, and Caroline goes to see him, and they almost have a moment, but then Daddy HRG pulls out some fang-bashing bull shit!!!
At the dead mayor’s house, Alaric is petitioning for a position on the council as caretaker of the Gilberts (don’t forget president of the handsome club, too, Alaric! That should guarantee you a position in the upper echelon!) He makes a really good argument, as is fitting for the president, and tells them he’ll see them at the next meeting. Now THAT’S how to have a negotiation, folks! Drink!
George: Obama? Romney? Crazycake other candidates? Forget ’em! ALARIC SALTZMAN 2012!!!!!
Jenny: Somebody PLEASE make up some bumper stickers!
Bonnie gives Elena back her necklace, since she can’t figure out what was going on with it, and tells Elena about the ghosts of girlfriends past thing, but then Elena disappears! And shows up at Damon’s door! But she’s wearing a Katherine smirk… aw, it IS Katherine! She asks Damon if he wants to go on a road trip, and he decides he’s game. And Katherine HAS THE NECKLACE. OMG, she DID fool me! Drink!
George: Poor, poor Salvatore brothers. Forever cursed to keep getting Gene Parmasan’d by Katherine.
Jenny: (to George) I think I love you.
Stefan wakes up in some sort of room that’s a… thing. I don’t know. Klaus says he wants to find out what Stefan’s been hiding, and opens the door, and it’s a big truck! They’re back in Mystic Falls! OH. SHIT. No they din’t.
Aw man, looks like next week, Klaus hosts a game show in which Stefan has to drink the blood of the doppelgänger in under 60 seconds! Will Damon come to the rescue? So, what’s with Damon’s super self-destructive streak, anyway? Is it just because he’s THIS close to getting the girl, so he’s just fucking it up for himself because, in actuality, he loves his brother too much allow himself to be with Elena? WHO is evil, Anna or Vicki? Love that the president is taking a strong leadership role in both the council and the Gilbert house. Thoughts? Opinions? Theories? Let ’em fly in the comments!
