About:
Okay. Shit’s been crazy on The Vampire Diaries. Klaus has been Vampire Barbied, and reduced to drawing pictures of her with ponies. I’m about to send him our FYA unicorn t-shirt. Elena had a totally inappropriate response to Damon’s confession of love, but not before Damon had a totally inappropriate response to her making her own decisions. Even though her decision making track record has been a little bit on the side of iffy. Alaric is in the hospital, healing from such times as when the CW network was trying to give the whole world a simultaneous heart attack by fake-killing him again, and because SOMEONE is stabbing council members. Jeremy and Katherine are MIA, which makes me wonder if either of them are on stage somewhere with Madonna flipping America the bird involved in the council member attacks somehow. Momma Mikaelson is planning to kill all of her children, and NO ONE on the show has asked if that wouldn’t also just kill all vampires!!!!
Oh, and despite how much we all want Elena and Damon to get together, even for a little while, the porch scene in last week’s episode between Stefan and Elena was pretty excellent. I think that pretty much sums everything up, so… show!
Elena is in bed, thinking about writing in her diary, probably. Or about the Salvatore brothers. Stefan is in his office, probably thinking about writing in his diary.
George: It’s a montage… of sad.
Drink! Elena calls him and he hits the ‘decline’ button. So in a classic move that is all bad form, she calls Damon. Man, that’s like when my parents call me just to talk about my brother. Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for asking. Anyway, that is all secondary, because we have a shirtless Salvatore! Drink! Damon is awesome Drink! and we can hear the ‘Oh Snap!’ from here. Also, looks like Rebekah stayed the night.
Damon escorts Rebekah — back in her ball gown — to the door, and is STILL shirtless. Drink! Everyone is surprised by the fact that Elena is standing on the other side of it. (Oh shit +1) Ouch, Elena. How does that feel, exactly? I’m guessing pretty bad, since bitch tried to kill you last week. Elena accuses Damon of having the sex with Rebekah to get back at her, but Damon tries to convince her that it had nothing to do with her.
George: Doubtful.
So Elena tells him about Momma Mikaelson’s plan to commit offspringicide, and only NOW is feeling guilty about the fact that that includes YHH! Come ON, Elena! We were all there last episode, when you were lying through your champagne glass.
Meanwhile, YHH is hanging out in his mom’s room, and finds a bundle of sage, which probably IMMEDIATELY tells him about the spell, instead of the possibility that she perhaps, had cooked some stinky fish. (Oh shit +2)
Rebekah does the walk of shame back home, and Kol Drogo is AWESOME Drink! with his quid pro quo about how much she has in common with the house, what with all the men rolling around in it. Kol Drogo convinces Klaus to stop drawing ponies long enough to go out with him, and YHH comes down and shows her THE SAGE. Rebekah is convinced that momma’s love is the same as it ever was and they have nothing to worry about.
Elena is talking Bonnie’s ear off about Damon sexing Rebekah, while Bonnie tries to duplicate the privacy spell with the sage. Elena is still sad about her decision to kill YHH, because she’s finally remembered how he, oh, SAVED her life last season. And also perhaps that she’s — like the rest of us — kind of in love with him.
Damon and Stefan discuss Elena and how neither one of them will get her, and there seems to be some significance in the way that Stefan’s gaze lingers on Damon’s half-empty tumbler of blood. Has he been abstaining again?
Elena opens her front door to see YHH standing there! (Oh shit +3) He wants to take her on a field trip! Where he shows her his family’s old land! And gives her a history lesson about Mystic Falls! I sense a Founder’s History Celebration in the works! He’s very compelling, and the scene feels almost romantic, until he gets all ‘you lied to my face, biznatch!’ Elena tries to deny it, but her telltale heart gives her away.
George: How come they can never tell the difference between Elena and Katherine, if they can hear Elena’s heart beating? Just sayin’.
So Elena comes clean about the whole thing, and wishes there was something she could do to help, and YHH is awesome Drink! with sage advice before he stomps out a hole in the ground and spirits Elena down into the underworld, er, caves! (Oh shit +4) Where she doesn’t get any cell reception!
Alaric calls Damon and is awesome Drink! with his use of the term ‘original sex’, and while Damon gives the aforementioned tumbler of blood a significant look, (perhaps he intended for Stefan to drink it?) Alaric goes back to day drinking with Mrs. Stefan! She tells him she wonders if he was compelled so he wouldn’t remember who attacked him, but just then Klaus and Kol Drogo join them and get all ‘Hey now! No need to always blame a vampire when shit goes down!’ Intense eye contact among the four of them ensues. Drink! (Oh shit +5)
Bonnie and her mom are approaching the Requisite L. J. Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away In the Woods to meet Momma Mikaelson and Finn to do some witching stuff.
YHH tells the Salvatore brothers that he has Elena, and that Rebekah is chomping at the bit (in the mouth of one of the ponies in Klaus’ drawings) to kill her. They have until 9:06pm (on hearing this, Damon is awesome Drink!) to find and kill Bonnie or her mom, so HIS mom can’t use their power. (Oh shit +6)
Elena and Rebekah have a heart to heart about how much they hate each other, while Damon fuels up on a blood cupcake. Then Damon shares his plan with Stefan to dagger YHH AGAIN, to save him and so they won’t have to kill Bonnie. But I don’t WANT YHH to be daggered! Or Klaus! They can totally dagger Kol Drogo, though. Dude makes me nervous.
At the Bronze, Caroline implements plan: Vampire Barbie Blitz and insults Klaus to distraction. It works, as he almost gets hit by a car. And he’s adorable. Caroline, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on him! Maybe she is, or maybe she’s playing her part, but they sit to talk.
Momma Mikaelson has Finn lighting up a salt pentagram, and he tells Bonnie how his death will not be a sacrifice, but a gift, blah, blah, blah, and I suddenly feel like he’s lying. BUT Momma Mikaelson says something here that gives me hope! This spell could turn all of the originals back into humans, and maybe they wouldn’t have to be killed! How fun would that be?!!! And it would, like, double the human population in Mystic Falls. Except maybe for Kol Drogo, who would probably still be a murdering rapist, so maybe he could die.
Proving my point, Kol Drogo harasses Mrs. Stefan, and Alaric tells him to get lost! (Oh shit +7) Kol Drogo is a douchenugget, and I have to tell you, dude, you DON’T talk to President of the Handsome Club that way! Alaric agrees, because he daggers the sumbitch easy as you please! Drink! (Oh shit +8) Then the rest of the MIkaelsons all start collapsing as if they had all been daggered! EXCEPT for Klaus! Who can feel something isn’t right, and before Alaric can get Kol Drogo’s body to the Salvatores, undaggers him and challenges Damon to a fight to the death! (Oh shit +9) But YHH interrupts, and tells them that, bitches, it’s time to find some witches.
Rebekah wakes up in time to start chasing Elena through the caves, but just as she gets her, Elena does an awesome head butt (Oh Shit +10) and makes it to the special restricted part of the caves where there are no vampires allowed.
Mrs. Stefan is getting ice for Alaric’s head, from such times as when Klaus threw him against a brick wall,
George: Your handsomeness is temporarily wounded!
and she tries to convince him to rest and heal. Much like all of us, including George, she wants to play nursemaid to our president.
Damon and Stefan toss a coin to see which one of them has to kill Bonnie and incur Elena’s undying hate. Damon is awesome. Drink! (Oh Shit +11)
Rebekah has totally gone cray and douses Elena and the cave she’s in with gasoline, then starts lighting the place on fire, to, erm, smoke Elena out. (Oh Shit +12) But then Elena realizes that Rebekah is just sad that Elena only pretended to be her friend! And this is all just to get back at her for the way she hurt Rebekah’s feelings! Wow, if I was ever turned into a vampire, I’d really hope it was after I turned 30, because I CAN’T HANDLE this whole ‘stuck as a teenager 4eva thing!’
YHH and his boyz show up at the Requisite L. J. Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away In the Woods to confront their mother about the whole her killing them all thing. But Momma Mikaelson is badass and clearly believes (no matter how much I might disagree) that she’s doing the right thing.
Bonnie and her mom are heading to hide in the basement, and Bonnie comes face to face with Stefan! He tells her about Elena, and that they have to sever the Bennett connection, and just as Bonnie backs away from him, Damon sneaks up behind her mom in another room and breaks her neck!!!! (Oh Shit +13) Poor Damon. I guess we know how that coin toss faired. Or do we?
Outside, the flames grow higher as Momma Mikaelson asks ‘the sisters’ (meaning the 100 dead witches Drink!) not to abandon her. But when the flames die down, Momma and Finn seem to have disappeared! (Oh Shit +14)
Rebekah comes to tell Elena that the coast is clear, and explains that Damon didn’t actually kill Bonnie’s mom dead dead, he just turned her into a vampire! Still, Bonnie’s not too happy about that, and won’t see Elena when she tries to visit. Caroline has to play messenger, and kindly and gently tells Elena that this is really all her fault.
At the Salvatore’s, Stefan reveals that he actually lost the coin toss, but Damon did the dirty deed anyway, because even though he loves Elena, he feels that Stefan won her heart, and we can all agree that he makes the better bad guy, but NOOOOO!!!!
George: This is like a gut punch double dagger twist to your emotions.
Elena gets home and opens a note from YHH, telling her how his family is the most important thing, and that she should carry her compassion with her always, and I REALLY hope this doesn’t mean he’s packing up the kids and leaving!
Rebekah comes home to find YHH in an existential crises. But you’re not a monster, YHH! Your’e not! Klaus is burning all of the pictures of ponies he drew for Caroline when Rebekah comes in and shows him pictures she took down in the cave. There is another white oak tree! A sapling must have lived! They can all be killed! (Oh Shit +14)
George: And THAT is why vampires hate the environment.
Alaric wakes up on Mrs. Stefan’s sofa, to find her asleep in her room,
George: Oh, what a gentleman she was.
but as he wanders around her apartment, he finds all kinds of evidence of some sort, AND THEN a (the?) dagger (that stabbed him?)
George: Speaking of gut punch double dagger twist…
and then he looks up, and she has a gun!!! She tells him he wasn’t supposed to see that, and PULLS THE TRIGGER ARRRRGGHHHHHHH WHATTHEFUCKCW?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (OH SHIT!!! +INFINITY)
Well crap.
