House Stark
Our Robb’s bannerman, Karstark, busts up in on the wee Lannisters they captured and kills them to take revenge on Jaime for killing his son during an escape attempt. Karstark then taunts Our Robb about how he’ll probably just smack his hand and let him walk away. Our Robb is his father’s son, so he must chop Karstark’s head off, even though that means he’ll loose half his men. Then he gets an idea: he’ll take Casterly Rock! Then Tywin Lannister will HAVE to negotiate with him. He only has to convince that dude Lord Frey (you know, the guy whose daughter he was supposed to marry before he married the lady medic who’s Charlie Chaplin’s granddaughter) to help him. I got a baaad feeling about this.
North of the Wall
Jon Snow gives Tourmund Giantsbane some possibly false intell about The Wall, and then gives Ygritte some oral pleasure. He apparently got together with Podrick that one time the Lannisters visited Winterfell, and the two of them did some serious reading up on Our Bodies, Ourselves. Then they take a bath in the conveniently located hot springs. As cute as the whole scene is with him chasing her into the cave and all, I can’t help but think they should have perhaps started with the bath.
The Brotherhood Without Banners
The Hound has to fight Beric in his trial by fire, and I have to say I think it’s a little bit unfair that Beric uses magic to make his sword catch on fire, on account of the fact that fire is the one thing The Hound is afraid of ever since his face got half burned off. Somehow, though, The Hound overcomes his fears and slices Beric in twain. This enrages Arya, who rushed to stab The Hound with a tiny knife, only to be stopped by Chris from Skins, aka my imaginary boyfriend Gendry. Then the man who looks like William Hurt says some words and Beric pops back up all alive again. Later, as Arya pratices her Death Wish mantra, The Hound is still on it, so I wonder if her blood lust was more about just wanting to shorten that freakin’ list already. She’s ready to go back to Our Robb, but Chris from Skins, aka my imaginary boyfriend Gendry has decided to stay and join The Brotherhood, where he will be free and have a family. Arya tearfully tells him she could be his family, and all of the Arya/Gendry shippers the world over cry “YES!” Gendry is affectionate, but appropriately so, given her age and station. I can’t quite remember, but this makes me think he doesn’t know he’s Robert Baratheon’s bastard, then? Arya finds out that The Brotherhood is holding her for ransome. Sort of. But more importantly, Beric tells her that he has died six times, and the Lord of Light brought him back. Yet he still wears that eye patch. I wonder about things like this. Like, why did Harry Potter always need to wear glasses, because I can tell you that if I was a wizard, I wouldn’t waste time on learning “oculus reparo”. I’d go straight for “astigmatism smoothouto.”
House Baratheon
Turns out Stannis’s wife was totally okay with him having sexy times with the red witch. Also, she’s completely batshit insane, as is obvious by my previous statement, and also the fact that she keeps a bunch of dead fetuses in Westeros’s version of formaldehyde. But hey! Stannis has a daughter! Why is she locked up in a tower? Oooohhh. Because she has scales on one side of her face. Man. Stannis, dude. You are as cursed as you are dull. But anyway, his daughter is totally beautiful and sweet and super smart, and later she goes down to visit Davos in prison, and starts teaching him how to read.
House Targaryen
Barristan and Jorah continue their seemingly never ending pissing contest about all things Daenerys, while Dany herself gets to know her troops. She’s called together all of the leaders, who have selected one among their ranks to be the general, I guess. His name is Grey Worm. Daenerys is horrified to learn that all of the Unsullied were given derogatory names by the slavers, so she tells them to pick new names. Grey Worm is just fine with Grey Worm, though, because it’s the name he had the day she freed him.
The World’s Most Unlikely Relationship
Jaime and Brienne are delivered to one of Our Robb’s bannermen, Roose Bolton, who, apart from a macabre sense of humor, seems like a decent guy. Also, does EVERYONE in Westeros know that Jaime was a sisterf*#@$er? Roose Bolton sends Jaime to a dude to fix up his arm in a scene that could give even the toughest of persons the willies. Later, Jaime joins Brienne in the bath. He starts out insulting her, but ends up telling her that he trusts her, and we find out that the reason he killed Mad Kind Aerys is because the king stored up Wildfire all over the city, and when Robert Baratheon’s army arrived, along with Tywin Lannister, he had instructed Jaime to go out and kill his dad, and for the rest of his men to burn King’s Landing to the ground. But, being a proud Lannister, Jaime never told anyone before. Then he kind of faints in her arms. It’s very touching.
King’s Landing
Tyrion solves some of the city’s money problems by getting the Queen of Thorns to agree to pay for half of the royal wedding. Poor Sansa is super excited about her upcoming marriage to Loras, but Loras is more excited about having sexy times with his sparring partner, who, sadly, is working for Littlefinger. Littlefinger and Sansa meet and lie to each other a lot, and then Littlefinger tells Tywin of the Tyrell’s plans for Sansa, which he takes as the worst sort of betrayal — stealing the North out from under him. Then Tywin continues his campaign for Worst Father of The Year. Cersei is super thrilled with his solution: to marry Sansa off to Tyrion! (Shae is gonna be PISSED.) She is less thrilled about the second part of his plan: for her to marry Loras.
If Game of Thrones Was a YA Novel
Tyrion’s dad is so mean, you guys. He’s hellbent on making all of his kids follow in his footsteps in the family business, stressing them out about their grades and college applications, when Tyrion just wants to be with the girl he loves! Okay, so (maybe) she’s from the wrong side of the tracks, but his dad just doesn’t understand that not everyone wants to be a CEO!
Quotes for Our Slam Book
Jaime: “By what right does the wolf judge the lion?”
Man, that Jaime Lannister. How did they take him from an evil sisterf*#@$er to such a badass character I find myself rooting for?
Tyrion: “That’s cruel. Even for you.”
Tyrion, to his father, upon hearing the news that he is to marry Sansa.
