Happy Wednesday, ladies and Brian! Wait, it is Wednesday, right? My days and nights are all confused. Knowing the Olympics results and then watching them happen on my tv has warped my personal time/space continuum.
Did you guys watch Pretty Little Liars last night? Let’s DISH. I think this summer season may be the best run of the show. Even when things don’t necessarily HAPPEN, we’re still getting a lot of answers. But I’m also concerned with the growing stupidity of, oh, EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS SHOW. Let’s jam, hep cats.
Aria
It was a big week for Aria! Fresh off the news that Jodie Sawyer (aka Meredith) got the job at Rosewood High, she meets Fitz’s posh, snobby mom. Oh, did I say Fitz? Because his last name is actually Fitzgerald. He shortened it because he didn’t want his writing compared to that of F. Scott’s. Oh, Fitz. Oh, Fitz, Fitz, Fitz. Trust me when I say that no one is EVER going to compare your writing to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s. Get a job, hippie.
No, Fitz is actually Ezra Fitzgerald of the famous Television Fitzgeralds, a super wealthy, influential family who collect bad art. Fitz’s mom is in town to host a gala fundraiser at the Ozzmet, a museum which may or may not exist in real life. I’m not from Philly and I’m too lazy to google. She invites Aria to attend, which puts Aria into enough of a panic about clothing that she has to borrow some of Spencer’s. Hence, Aria is well-dressed for perhaps the first time in her entire woodland nymph existence. All hail Spencer’s wardrobe! I’m surprised that the dress she borrowed was so flattering, considering SPENCER IS TALL AND SKINNY AND ARIA IS SHORT AND BUSTY. But whatever, I am not looking for realism in a show where Jodie Sawyer hasn’t even practiced her turnout once.
Ms. Fitzgerald of the Television Fitzgeralds is fake-nice to Aria until the gala, in which she tells Aria that before Obama we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash or whatever, I don’t know; I’m not listening. I’m distracted by her obviously paste earrings. Why is she wearing paste to a fancy gala? Can’t this lady afford jewels?
Anyway, upshot is, Aria is ruining Fitz’s life on account of how SHE IS THE VICTIM OF STATUATORY RAPE AND HE IS A THIRTY YEAR OLD PERVERT WHO CAN’T HOLD DOWN A JOB. She offers to pay Aria to stop dating Fitz. I’d take her up on that, Aria. It’s a much better investment than the 50 k of ill-gotten cash hidden in the underwear drawer. Aria cries and cries to Actor/Director Chad Lowe about how maybe she’s ruining Fitz’s life accidentally and he comforts her but does not echo what I was yelling at the tv, which is, “HE IS A THIRTY YEAR OLD AND CAN TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF STOP INVESTING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP ARIA.”
Among Aria’s fashion crimes this week were some sort of patterned suit with that weird extra material at the hips that makes no one look good ever, and also a tunic with a sparkly peter pan collar, a belt, and gunmetal grey Lycra leggings. Aria, LET’S TALK, I AM BEGGING YOU.
Emily
Emily had a big week too, as she still hasn’t figured out that she’s befriended a stalker, learns she was sexually assaulted but doesn’t care, and spends some time thinking about her dead ex-girlfriend. Let’s discuss.
Emily takes Hot Nate to a picturesque lake and tells him that she used to go there with Maya. She taught her how to make little origami boats and they’d light a birthday candle in them and sail them out onto the water. That sounds like it’d be dangerous for the fish. Hot Nate is quick to say that he did something similar with Maya and WHEN IS EM GOING TO REALIZE THAT THIS IS MAYA’S STALKER? I mean, he doesn’t even LOOK like Maya! Granted, my cousins and I don’t look too alike either, but we all of us have a basic similarity. A kind of half-drunken Irish stupor, if you will.
But I mean, really, why isn’t Emily the least bit suspicious of Hot Nate by this point? She knows that Maya had a stalker. She knows that stalker was a guy. All of a sudden, Hot Nate shows up, all, “heeeeeey, I really want to avenge my cousin’s death but she’s never mentioned me before; let’s be BFF; also I’m going to hit on you some” and Em’s not the least bit suspicious? I mean, I love my cousins and all, but if they were brutally murdered, I’d like, hang out with my aunt and uncle to console them, not become their significant other’s best friend and keep hitting on them. I think, maybe. I guess it depends on how hot their significant other was. Anyway, if anyone shows up pretending to be my cousin after I get murdered, I want you guys to treat them with caution and a healthy dose of suspicion, okay? Here I’ll list all my cousins’ names so that you’ll know if an imposter shows up:
Jennifer, Josh, Justin, Jessica, Colt, Alex, Corby, Thomas, Nikki, Alecia, Melanie, Laura, Jamie, Ty, Dan, Jameson, Beckett, Delaney, Sidney, Peyton, Kodi, Landon, Sadie Grace, Rylie, Lily, Deena, Anna Claire, and Allison, Emma, Jonathan, Catherine, Dan H, and whatever Allison’s kids’ names are; I kinda don’t know them that well. Oh! And Anuk and Hayes the Lesser and Keyes and Danny. BUT THAT’S IT, OKAY. No one else!
Also, how much time did Emily and Maya spend together? I mean, the only dated for a little while between instances at Gay Away camp!
Emily also goes over to Paige’s house (Paige!) and wants to tell her about The Mysterious Flask With The Drugs In It, but for some reason they postpone the conversation until the next day, I guess because the show writers had 52 minutes to fill. It turns out that on the night of Alison’s Grave Robbery, Emily came over to Paige’s house! And Paige could tell that Emily was wasted and then Emily kissed her and then Paige kept kissing her and they made out and, it is implied, maybe went to like second or maybe even third base, EVEN THOUGH PAIGE COULD TELL THAT EMILY WAS IMPAIRED.
Sigh. I really liked Paige too. Another character ruined for me. Why is EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW guilt of sexual assault? Jenna, Fitz, Paige, Jerk Detective, Noel, Sean . . . is Rosewood an actual breeding ground for rapists and junior rapists in training? Do they have a Rapist Training Facility like they have in China but for gymnasts and The Rapist Version of Bela Karolyi is there and he’s training them all to go for the gold in the Rape Olympics and yells things like, “I ONCE HAVE SMALL SPRITE CALLED KERI WHO VAULTED WITH BROKEN FOOT. YOU WILL RAPE TIRED AND YOU WILL RAPE HUNGRY AND WE WILL RAPE FOR THE GOLD!” That is my impersonation of the Rapist Version of Bela Karolyi, but you have to imagine it with a strident Romanian accent.
Once one of my friends from Romania taught me how to say “fuck your mother’s easter basket” in Romanian; if I still remembered the phrase I would interject it into my impersonation of The Rapist Version of Bela Karolyi.
Anyway, Emily seems to think that her sexual assault at the hands of Paige was really, like, Her Heart’s Song, so she goes over to Paige’s house to make out and then do some freestyle swimming. Not a euphemism.
Hanna
The Board of Directors at the Rosewood Sanitarium for the Criminally Insane want to ship Mona off to a facility in Saratoga, because they think that Mona is smuggling out her drugs to one of her visitors. Lucas? A friendly neighborhood ruffian? Some homeless dude that just wants to get high?
Wren tells Hanna that Mona’s move is imminent, because Wren wants to get into Hanna’s pants and also because Wren has never heard of patient/doctor confidentiality. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, Law and Order would be TWO MINUTES LONG if it were set in Rosewood instead of New York. “What can you tell us, doctor?” Stabler would ask. “Oh, everything!” Wren would gush.
Wren asks Hanna to speak to the Board on Mona’s behalf. Hanna makes an adorably awkward speech (using pink notecards!) about “integrating the fully-developed teen back into her peer community.” But obviously that’s not winning over the Board, so instead Hanna drops her notes and makes an impassioned speech about how Mona has to stay in Rosewood because she’s Hanna’s friend. You know, I don’t usually have to give speeches, but I can imagine if I did give a speech and was like, “fuck it, I’m going to go off-script and say what’s in my heart!” I’d end up making a poop joke out of sheer nervousness. Yet it always works out on tv and in the movies. Maybe it’s because they have the swelling soundtrack behind them. I should carry around a boombox with some sort of nice violin piece; I’d make speeches all over the place.
Anyway, it works, obviously, and Hanna and Wren kiss in excitement. Well, finally.
Spencer
Spencer is determined to crack the password on Maya’s website and finally solicits Caleb’s help. As usual, Caleb is totally fine with doing some quasi-illegal things for the girls. Actually, Spencer tells him close to the truth – that Mona gave them the web address and that they don’t know if it’s just one of her crazy tricks or if it actually is Maya’s site, but Spencer needs to find out to spare Emily any more pain. Why don’t these girls just tell the boys in their lives what is going on? I seriously haven’t been able to figure out the reason for their silence. Toby and Caleb basically know most of the story, why not just explain that they’re, you know, BEING STALKED BY A SERIES OF CRAZY PEOPLE? I mean, yeah, they should also be telling their parents and the police, but I’d settle for just a little bit of truth. This is getting ridiculous.
Oh, speaking of lying, Toby has picked this week to suddenly get mad at Spencer for keeping so many secrets. He’s determined to find out why Spencer flinches every time her phone goes off! I don’t like angry Toby. He is 100% less Leany Kisses at these times.
Anyway, Caleb cracks the password and they find tons of videos and pictures that Maya took. Some are innocuous, like video of her and Emily enjoying some fro-yo, and some are Maya reading poetry. I’m assuming Maya died from being too boring to live.
Oh, wait, no. At least one video is interesting – Maya is saying she can’t be afraid anymore! She has to tell the truth! Frustratingly, we don’t learn anything more about this, because Spencer wants to wait for Emily. Lame.
I guess we also have to mention that Spencer and Caleb flirt heavily in this episode. Absolutely no bueno.
Meanwhile! Ma Hastings leaves her briefcase laying around so Spencer and Aria look through Garrett’s case file. We finally get some answers!! Like the fact that Maya was MOS DEF murdered; her trachea was crushed. And – and this really genuinely got me – her body was left in Emily’s backyard (remember, at the time, Emily’s parents were in Texas and she was staying with Hanna) and had apparently been there for at least a day or so. Oh, Maya. I was suspicious of you but you didn’t deserve this.
Also, and again. The girls know that someone is VIOLENTLY MURDERING PEOPLE AND ALSO STALKING THEM and yet they still think they can keep the cops out of it. I weep for these children.
In the file’s witness list, they see a note by the name of one Bart Comstock (seriously), saying that if his story can be broken, Garrett’s case can be won. Aria goes to interview Bart and finds out that he’s the manager of the local cinema. His connection to the crime? He saw Maya get into “a police car” the night of her murder. Except that everyone knows that Garrett only hangs around in his Ugly Car of No Stealth so it was OBVS Jerk Detective and WHY DOESN’T ANYONE SEE THAT GARRETT IS BEING FRAMED BY JENNA AND THE REST OF THE A TEAM?
Credits
Son of Gloved McEvilson is counting large stacks of money and putting it in a bank envelope. Apparently the bank teller sees nothing wrong with handing out lots of cash to someone wearing black leather gloves indoors. Jesus, Rosewood is entirely populated by idiots.
And that’s it! What were your thoughts about the episode? There are only a few weeks left in the summer season; what do you think we’ll find out? Now that we know how Maya died, who do you suspect in her murder? Is Fitz’s 50k from Butthair or just some extra cash he has laying around because his family is rich? How are we feeling about Paige? And on a scale of 1 to 10, how many breakable things will you throw if Caleb and Spencer start making out? Talk it up in the comments!
