About:
I’m so excited that we’ve reached season two, not only because it’s one of the best of the series, but also for the introduction of two iconic Buffy characters. These fan favorites are introduced in today’s rewatch, one of whom gets a classically great episode, the other gets introduced in an episode that’s infamous for being… less awesome.
The Buffy Season Two Drinking Game Rules
Drink once every time:
A vamp is dusted
A scene takes place in a cemetery
Cordelia says something cutting but true
Buffy and Angel share a romantic moment
Principal Snyder hates on students
Oz is ridiculously low-key cool
Drusilla says something nutty
Spike has mad swagger
Drink twice every time:
We see the entrance to Sunnydale High
We see a scene from the credits
Giles cleans his glasses
Jonathan appears in a scene
There’s an extremely outdated pop culture reference
A vampire is invited into a house
Now let’s meet the new kids!
2.03 “School Hard”
Buffy and her fellow juvenile delinquent student, Sheila, are put in charge of handling the Parent Teacher Night decor and refreshments by Principal Snyder. Since both girls are on final notice, he threatens them with expulsion if they don’t do a great job. Sheila is an actual delinquent and doesn’t seem like she’ll be much help and then Xander goes and jinxes the whole thing and says it’ll all be fine unless something bad happens.
That night, the bad thing crashes through the Welcome to Sunnydale sign in the form of the bleached blonde and black leather-clad vampire of my heart, Spike.
The master’s acolytes are meeting with the Annointed One and discussing their plans to finally kill that pesky slayer because this week is the Night of St. Vigeous, when their power will be at its peak. Whoever successfully kills the slayer will take over the Master’s throne. The lure of getting to kill a slayer is actually what’s brought Spike and his nutbar girlfriend, Drusilla, to town.
Joyce lays the parental guilt on pretty thick when she talks to Buffy about Parent Teacher Night and how she doesn’t want to be disappointed in Buffy again. You know, since they already had to pick up and move to a new town after Buffy got kicked out of her last school. In Buffy’s defense, her last school was terrible, and she only burned down the gym.
Buffy covers for hungover Sheila when she finally arrives to help make banners, since both of their educations are on the line. As if Buffy isn’t stressed enough, Giles and Ms. Calendar arrive to lay on more pressure as Jenny’s Google-fu (er, Netscape-fu?) has revealed that Saturday night is St. Vigeous. Giles can’t believe Buffy is more worried about getting expelled from school than training for the calamity of the week.
Xander dancing terribly by himself while Willow tutors Buffy in French at the Bronze is the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen. Willow talks Buffy into study break dancing, while Spike lurks around, watching Buffy. (Major season five vibes.) He sends one of the other vamps out to attack someone in the alley so he can watch Buffy’s slaying technique. After she dusts him, Spike gives her a standing ovation, before telling her they’ll be meeting again on Saturday, when he kills her. We see Sheila leaving some other club with two dudes who apparently told her they have a Cadillac. That’s enough incentive for her to follow them into a dark alley, because this girl does not know how to stay sexy and not get murdered. The guys disappear and are replaced by a super cool bleached-blonde dude in a leather coat, who Sheila now willingly follows further into the alley. GIRL.
As the Scooby Gang is doing the library thing and discussing the new baddie in town, Angel arrives to ominously warn them that Spike is worse than any vampire they’ve faced before. He and Buffy have a flirty exchange about missing each other at the Bronze before Angel sneaks off, as he does.
As if Drusilla’s first introduction (where she speaks nonsense and wears an Edwardian gown) didn’t already let us know that the girl isn’t right, the next time we see her, she’s all moved in at the abandoned factory, with her extremely creepy doll collection that SHE TALKS TO. We learn from Spike that Drusilla isn’t well because she was almost killed by a mob in Prague. He thinks the Hellmouth will restore her strength. He heads up to bond with the vampires chanting in preparation for St. Vigeous, and insists that Drusilla eat the snack he’s brought her, which turns out to be a bound and gagged Sheila.
The gang (including Cordelia, for some reason) are whittling extra stakes in preparation for Saturday, while Buffy is off putting the finishing touches on Parent Teacher Night. Giles finally finds Spike in his texts, known as William the Bloody, but he got his nickname from torturing his victims with railroad spikes. So theatrical, that guy. He also discovers that Spike has fought and killed two slayers in the last century.
Once the (three hour, yikes) event gets underway, Buffy tries desperately to keep her mother and Principal Snyder from meeting, to no avail. Cordelia shows a little too much glee at the idea of how long Buffy will be grounded once their meeting is over. Joyce definitely seems pissed when she leaves his office, but before she can drag Buffy to the car, Spike and his gang bust through the school windows. Buffy and the other Scoobies try to get everyone hidden away in different parts of the school. Spike’s had the electricity and phone lines cut which makes being trapped inside the school all that much creepier. Giles orders Xander to climb out the library window and go get Angel. Xander doesn’t want to leave not knowing if Buffy and Willow are safe, but Giles convinces him. Buffy leaves her mom with Principal Snyder (who insists they’ve been attacked by a gang on PCP) while she climbs up through the ceiling ducts to get to the library for weapons. Sheila arrives extremely late to Parent Teacher Night and Buffy doesn’t immediately figure out what’s off about her, but once she does, it’s dust for Sheila.
Angel arrives with Xander and decides to pretend that he’s his old Angelus self and Xander is his next snack. We learn that Angel and Spike are bros from way back. But Spike is onto Angel being different and has a little tantrum about how Angel was his sire, his Yoda, and now he’s just an Uncle Tom. (Not sure I’d go there show, but okay.) Buffy sends Giles and her mom to safety and goes to have her big showdown with Spike. Their fight is juxtaposed with scenes from Xander and Angel fighting off the rest of the vamps outside. Spike gets the upper hand when Joyce shows up (having not left the school like she was supposed to) and manages to scare Spike off with a fire ax, like a boss.
As they’re all leaving, Jenny comments that it was another fun-filled evening, and Giles tells her that he’d understand if she started avoiding him. She grabs onto his elbow instead. ADORBS. Snyder discusses the clean-up situation with the police. They consider telling the truth to the media, but decide to go with the old standby, gang related PCP. Buffy asks her mom what Principal Snyder told her and she says that he called Buffy a troublemaker. But Joyce couldn’t care less now that she’s witnessed how brave and resourceful Buffy is, and how she thinks of others in a crisis. I might have teared up a little. And then we see that nobody thought to rescue Willow and Cordelia from the supply closet they’re still in, where Willow is stuck listening to Cordelia’s half-hearted prayers.
Oh, hey! Spike is the one who coined “The Annoying One”. We find this out when he decides he’s no good at groveling to the kid and just incinerates him with sunlight instead. I know he’s supposed to be the bad guy and all, but that was a hero move.
How many times do I have to take a drink?
Spike’s swagger drained the bottle.
Vamps Dusted
8 maybe? There was a lot of fighting in the dark.
Apocalypse of the Week
According to the show, St. Vigeous was an ancient medieval vampire who led a “crusade” of murderous vampires, on a path of destruction and carnage. I’m not quite sure how that would differ from the regular kind of vampires.
Scooby Gang Feels
Willow and Xander helped Buffy make banners in place of the absent Sheila, but my favorite part is how Willow is repping the gang in her Scooby Doo shirt.
Badass Mom of the Week
Did anyone else want to stand up and applaud?
Bloody Good Snark
He has arrived.
2.04 “Inca Mummy Girl”
Buffy starts the episode whining that her mother signed them up to host a student for the school’s Cultural Exchange program. Xander doesn’t think it’s a big deal until he finds out Buffy will be hosting a male student (with male parts), in predictable Xander fashion. They’re on a museum field trip and headed toward the Inca Princess exhibit where the museum employee announces “the human sacrifice is about to begin.” They hear the story of a beautiful princess who was offered as a sacrifice to their deity and then entombed only to be trotted out 500 years later so bored teenagers could gossip over her mummified corpse. Instead of listening to their guide explain the cursed seal that was placed over her body as a warning to not awaken her, the gang chats about how Buffy is supposed to pick up Ampata, the visiting student from South America, from the bus depot. Later, Rodney, this episode’s Sunnydale High delinquent, tries to steal the mummy’s seal but ends up breaking it and getting strangled by the awakened mummy.
Buffy and Giles are training in the library while Buffy nags him to let her have the night off from being the Chosen One so she can go to the Cultural Exchange dance. He finally relents, and while she’s talking logistics with Xander, who is taking Willow to the dance, if he’s ever thought about kissing Willow. Of course, Willow comes in, just in time to overhear Xander saying that he loves her, but that she’s his best friend and he doesn’t think of her that way. Her face is heartbreaking. Willow tells them that she’s just heard Rodney is missing and never came home last night. Once they realize they never saw him on the bus back from the museum, they joke that what could have happened? He woke the mummy and it rose from its tomb? Then they remember they live in Sunnydale and that totally could have happened. When they go to the museum to investigate, they find the seal broken, but the mummy resting comfortably. They’re attacked by some kind of warrior from the past who quickly makes a run for it when he gets a look at the mummy. Before they skedaddle, Willow notices that the mummy now appears to have braces, and that the missing Rodney somehow looks like he’s been dead for 500 years.
Predictably, Buffy is running late to pick up Ampata from the bus depot, and while he’s waiting, he hears a woman’s voice whispering his name. He goes looking for her, only to have a mummy suck the life from his mouth. Welcome to Sunnydale! When the gang arrives at the bus depot, they discover that Ampata is apparently a girl. A really hot girl. I predict Xander handling this in a totally chill way. Buffy shows Ampata around the house and Willow is obviously threatened by Xander’s interest in her. As Buffy and Ampata are going to bed, we see the warrior from the museum spying from the bushes. Dude, that’s Angel’s job.
Cordelia is now dating Devon, the lead singer of the band that will be playing the Cultural Exchange dance. But it’s his lead guitarist, Oz (even with an ill-advised goatee) who’s really here to steal our hearts. Xander and Willow talk costumes, since apparently the dance involves wearing costumes to represent other cultures. I’m sure this will in no way be offensive.
Buffy brings Ampata to meet Giles and he shows her part of the seal from the museum, in hopes that she can translate some of it. All she tells them is that it says something about “bodyguard” and that legend says the mummy has one to keep anyone from disturbing her. Buffy makes up an excuse about needing to do dull stuff (researching the mummy’s bodyguard) so Xander volunteers to entertain Ampata for the day. His super suave technique involves showing her how to shove an entire twinkie in her mouth in one bite and talking with his mouth full.
While researching, Buffy tries to comfort Willow about Xander’s new crush. But Willow thinks she just needs to decide to move on with her life.PLEASE, YES. Giles discovers that the seal seems to imply that the mummy can feed off the life force and freeze dry them. Xander and Ampata are attacked by the bodyguard, demanding the seal. When they tell the rest of the gang, they all wonder what this guy’s deal is, but Ampata insists that this is all dangerous and they need to destroy the seal. Willow suggests that Xander should take Ampata to the dance to cheer her up. When he asks her, they both confess to liking each other a lot, which would be cute, if it weren’t really quick, if it weren’t Xander, and you know, a life-sucking mummy. When Ampata goes to the bathroom, she’s confronted by the bodyguard. She begs him not to kill her because she is in love (really though?) but he tells her she’s already dead, and as the Chosen One, she must die. Where have we heard that before? Ampata decides she gets a say in the matter, and sucks the life force out of the bodyguard.
Ampata’s luggage arrives from the bus station (whose clothes has she been wearing this whole time? she’s way taller and more stacked than Buffy) and Buffy offers to unpack it while she’s at the dance, which makes Ampata super jumpy. Xander arrives to escort Ampata to the dance dressed as Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western. That’s one interpretation of cultural, I suppose. Buffy wistfully watches them head off to the dance, which she won’t be attending, now that they have a mummy and bodyguard to track down. Giles shows up at Buffy’s to tell her he found the bodyguard mummified in a school bathroom and further translation of the seal reveals the guard’s job is actually to prevent anyone from awakening the mummy. This makes Buffy immediately suspicious of Ampata, so they go through her trunks, only to find that they include nothing but boy’s clothes and a mummified corpse. I get it, I’m a chronic overpacker, too.
At the dance, we see a million outlandish costumes. Cordelia is dressed up as Aloha Barbie, while one of her minions is dressed as a geisha girl, and Willow is dressed as an Eskimo, complete with ice fishing pole. Devon’s band, Dingoes Ate My Baby performs, and I hate to say it, but Devon is a decent singer, in a very late 90’s way. During a guitar solo, Oz asks Devon who that girl is. Devon assumes he means Ampata, who’s dancing with Xander, but Oz was asking about the Eskimo. And gotta hand it to Willow. She is covered in fur from head-to-toe, but the girl’s makeup is on point. Ampata and Xander stare dreamily at each other on the dance floor when she accidentally starts to suck the life force from Xander. She runs off, and drags a nerdy little student (hi Jonathan!) off to a secluded corner and obviously means to suck the life out of him when they’re startled by Xander. She cries over how she’s not good enough for him, and then they get to smooching, which, of course, leads to mummifying. But she stops herself in time. Meanwhile, Giles is busy putting the seal pieces back together at the museum, which Ampata can sense, and she ditches Xander in a hurry. Buffy comes to the Bronze to gather the troops. And they run off, just as Oz was coming over to talk to Willow.
GIF via fatedxdestiny
When they get to the museum, Ampata is already fighting Giles, then Buffy has a go at her. Buffy ends up tossed into the tomb, and Ampata goes for Willow and her life force. Xander stops her. She pleads that they can be together if he’ll just let her have this one. But he says that’s never gonna happen and that if she wants to take a life, it has to be his. She’s cool with that. Xander is able to hold her off just long enough for her to start mummifying, and once Buffy grabs her away, Ampata falls to pieces. You would think Xander would just swear off girls forever at this point.
How many times do I have to take a drink?
9
Vamps Dusted
Ain’t got time for vamps when there are mummies everywhere.
Cameos
Gil Birmingham has been in tons of shows, including Yellowstone, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and Banshee. But, let’s get real. He’s best known to us as Billy Black from The Twilight Saga.
I don’t know about y’all, but to me, the Inca Mummy Girl is best known as the Charles Maund Toyota girl. For years, Ara Celi has starred in commercials for a chain of car dealerships across Texas.
The Culturally Insensitive Elephant In The Room
“So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? Because I don’t know much besides Doritos and Chihuahua.”
“This whole student exchange thing is like a total nightmare. They don’t even speak American.”
When Ampata first arrives, Buffy and Xander both speak to her like she’s from another planet or mentally challenged. Cordelia hosts Sven, from Sweden, who she orders around like a dog and speaks to in gibberish, like demanding “a fruit drinky”. Was there a competition to see which character could be a bigger asshat? These kids live in Southern California. Are we supposed to believe they’ve never met people from other countries before? I don’t think the fact that it was 1997 is a good enough excuse. I’m just gonna call this what it is, lazy white dudes in the writers’ room.
Stylish Yet Affordable Boots
Ampata has been in the 20th century for 24 hours and is wearing men’s clothes and still manages to be better dressed than Willow.
I really did like how the show drew parallels between Buffy and Ampata both being the Chosen One among their people, required to make sacrifices, without ever having any choice in the matter. But otherwise, how much did “Inca Mummy Girl” make you cringe? Should we have made a special drinking rule just to dull that pain? And now can we gush about how great Spike and Oz are in the comments?
Don’t forget to join us next week, when Meredith will be covering “Reptile Boy” and the super fun “Halloween”!
