Drinking Game Tally: 21 drinks, 0 shots, 2 chugs
‘90s Fashion Award: Brian
My So-Called Winner: Delia
My So-Called Loser: Hallie
Brian Krakow vs. Jordan Catalano: Jordan
Angela is having recurring dreams about Jordan Catalano, while apparently, Patty has a dream as well. That nobody wants to hear about. In related news, Danielle tries to pull a piece of toast out of the toaster with a fork. No one notices.
This episode sure is full of people having dreams! That Delia girl who used to like Brian Krakow had a dream about Rickie so, like you do, she now wants to go out with him. She tries (to no avail) to get info about him from Sharon, on account of her being Rayanne Graff’s future partner.
Graham is fighting with Horseface Hallie about the fact that the investors for their restaurant want to get rid of him and hire a professional chef. Or really, they’re fighting about the fact that she waited until the last minute to tell him. God, I hate her.
Mr. Katimsky is handing out vocabulary words while Jordan Catalano is looking longingly at Angela, but Angela tries to play it cool, because she JUST had a dream about him, and he might be able to tell. There’s a nice awkward moment where both Jordan and Sharon come up to Angela’s desk, before Sharon makes like a tree. Then Jordan struggles to put together words in sentence formation, (Dumb Point -1) while Angela tries so hard to play it cool, she comes across as completely disinterested. Oh! Also, frozen Embryos is now called Residue. Then, THEN!!! You guys, when I’m right, I’m RIGHT!!! On the subject of dreams, Sharon had one about her and Rayanne being in a water ballet together. For charity! If that’s not her subconscious mind making a euphemism for sweet, sweet love, I don’t know what is.
Brian Krakow is trying to tutor Jordan Catalano, but Jordan is moping about how he messed things up with Angela. Then Brian gives him a definition of the word “ironic” that is totally and utterly false, and quite possibly the reason irony is dead. So thanks for that, Brain. Since I can’t technically give Brian a dumb point, I’m going to just wipe out the one I gave to Jordan earlier. Anyway, Jordan wants Brian to help him write a letter to win Angela back, but Brian is all like “no way jose’.” But then curiosity gets the better of him.
Rickie tries to talk to Rayanne about her obvious unhappiness, but it’s a lost cause. We all know that Rayanne will have to go on a spiritual journey or some shit like that before she finds herself and can become a grounded person and then comes back to Sharon. Delia tries to chat Rickie up, but Brian gets in the way, because he realizes that he’s not ready for her to stop liking him.
At the Chase’s, Angela and Danielle look on as Patty is acting like a giggling schoolgirl while talking on the phone to the guy she used to date in high school who is in the restaurant business. Patty is trying to get “restaurant tips” from him, and by that I mean make Graham jealous. And due to the circumstances surrounding Horsefaced Hallie, I don’t blame her. Even if she is annoying. Anyway, Patty had a dream about that guy. And also about Lady Di. But mostly about kissing that guy, who was hot in high school. Angela, being the adorable teenage egomaniac that she is, relates Patty’s situation to herself. Later, Patty tells Graham about it, but he seems not to be phased at all.
At school, Sharon and Angela are talking about Delia’s chances with Rickie, and have an awkward non-exchange with Rayanne. Meanwhile, Brian is still Cyrano De Bergeracing Jordan Catalano. Jordan relays Brian’s words to Angela, and she is duly impressed, but he wants to drop the poetics and run, or make out, as it were, and his words only whet Angela’s appetite for more talking. This right here. This is the heaviest proof that Angela might be happier with Brian than Jordan. If Brian could only NOT act like a turd around her. Later, Jordan flashes Brian the baby blues and begs him to write a letter to Angela for him.
Brian tells Rickie about how Jordan is using his words, and Rickie points out that Brian is also using Jordan to express his true feelings for Angela. Delia tries flirting with Rickie again, and Rickie actually ponders how much easier things would be if he could just be straight. Oh Rickie.
Hallie and Graham have a disgustingly flirty conversation about how nice flirting is, and how it doesn’t have to mean anything but that it’s also okay for him to show Patty that he’s jealous.
Brian goes ahead and writes the most emo and poetic letter ever ever written for Jordan, to also express how he feels, but then lets Angela moon over Jordan to him. Angela “chases” (ahem) Jordan down in the hallway, and he manages to put enough words together to not expose himself. Then they make out, while Brian watches sadly from down the hall. (Stalker Point -1) He then confesses to Rickie that he wrote the letter. Brian then convinces himself that he can’t tell Angela because it would be betraying Jordan, who asked him for help. Oh Brian. Your sensibilities are misguided but remind of myself, so I’ll forgive you.
In the girls’ bathroom, Rayanne and Sharon have a heart to heart in which Sharon tells Rayanne that she is her friend, and calls her into account for her actions like a good partner will.
At Mr. Katimsky’s, Rickie spills the beans to Angela about Brian writing the letter, and then Delia plays the whole “I can’t zip my zipper” game, flirting with Rickie, and he asks her out on a date, but then she says, “But you’re gay, right?” and gets him to admit it. For the first time. Yay Rickie! Then she explains that she wants to just have a crush on someone safe, after that dirty dog Brian Krakow used and abused her.
Patty is waiting for her old boyfriend, but Jordan Catalano shows up instead. And just in case we didn’t get it from the dream reenactment, they show us that Jordan is totally the reincarnation of Patty’s high school BF. Who cancels on her. But it’s okay, because Patty hangs out with Jordan, and he confesses his feelings for Angela. Then they have an adorable exchange about her old high school BF, and Jordan proves that he just actually might understand irony after all.
Graham impresses his investors with his cooking and then calls Patty to tell her he’s jealous of her hanging out with her old BF. She neglects to tell him that the guy didn’t show. But then he and Horseface Hallie celebrate their success with a hug, and have a moment. I’m pleased to say that Graham pulls away. I swear I’ma smack them both.
Angela asks Brian if he wrote the letter, and he tells her he just helped. Angela gets really mad, thinking they were playing a joke on her, but then he says he meant every word, and Angela realizes that maybe there’s more to Brian than she ever gave him credit for. They have a really sweet moment before Jordan comes outside to take her out. Angela takes one last look at Brian as she rides away in Red…
And that’s it!!!! WHAT?!!!! I have so many unresolved feelings!!! And questions!!! Like, who does she choose? Does Graham ever stop flirting with Horseface Hallie? Does Danielle live long enough to graduate high school? Do Angela and Rayanne make up? Ahhhhh!!!!!
Drinking Game Tally: 21 drinks, 0 shots, 2 chugs
’90s Fashion Award
I’d like to take time today to acknowledge Brian Krakow’s totally ’90s J. Crew ensemble: Blue button down oxford, pleated khakis, loafers and the blue/green plaid barn jacket with a suede collar.
Lessons I Learned About High School
There was actually class time in this episode!!! Still, if I can believe this show, the average high school student spends much more time hanging out in the hallways and bathrooms than they do actually having class.
My So-Called Winner
Delia!!!! Here’s to a teenage girl who’s mature enough to recognize that she just wants to have a crush on an unattainable boy! And that’s okay for a while!
But you know who wins for the whole season? My girl Sharon!!!! I love her.
My So-Called Loser
SO many people could win this title, but I’m choosing Horseface Hallie for being so fucking annoying. God! I hate her so much!
Brian Krakow vs. Jordan Catalano:
It’s time to get real up in this business. Who won? If we tally up the actual point systerm — Jordan’s -Dumb Points VS. Brian’s -Stalker Points, the winner is clear: Jordan.
Trouble is, he’s perfect as the boy you can’t have. You know he and Angela break up again, like, next week, and that’s the only way for it to be, because the truth of the matter is that Jordan Catalano is dumber than a sack of wood, and Angela would never be satisfied with him in the long run. But that doesn’t mean that Brian would swoop in, because Angela’s known Brian as the creepy awkward masterbator for far too long for her to ever be able to separate him from that image.
Life Lessons Learned
- The proof is in the pudding. Or the lamb sauce.
- You can’t go back. And ex-boyfriends are best left in the past.
- In the end, it doesn’t matter who writes the letter, because it’s really all about how you read it.