Drinking Game Tally: 18 drinks, 0 shots, 0 chugs
‘90s Fashion Award: Sharon
My So-Called Winner: Danielle
My So-Called Loser: Rayanne
Brian Krakow vs. Jordan Catalano: Brian
Hey world! Jordan Catalano is looking at you with eyes that are — according to Netflix Instant Watch — amazing. And he wants YOU to learn some life lessons. Because Jordan Catalano knows the disadvantages one faces when one can’t read good. So journey with me now to a very special place… the land of the ’90s.
After last week’s “Betrayal”, I gotta tell you, I think we’re ALL in need of a nice, long weekend, so thanks for that, My So-Called Life!
Whoah. We have a Danielle voiceover. She’s even more sullen than Angela. Camille is helping Patty pack for, I’m assuming, a weekend away with Graham. Camille drops some not so subtle hints about Horseface Hallie. Patty kicks Danielle out, much to her younger daughter’s dismay, then opens a box from Camille, and hey, it’s a pair of handcuffs! Or would that be singular? Meanwhile, Angela pretty much tries to kick Danielle out of the kitchen as soon as she enters the room. I remember being that little sister.
Rayanne calls for Rickie, and things are very awkward on account of the whole thing where Rayanne had sex with Jordan Catalano.
Graham comes home late because Horseface Hallie (I’ll abbreviate to HH from here on out) had car trouble, and finally tells Patty about the fact that HH is no longer engaged. He says it in such a casual way that I believe that he didn’t realize she didn’t already know. He and Patty head out on a trip with his loser brother and his surprised new girlfriend, who is that actress from ER, and is as annoying as HH.
Angela and Rickie are playing with makeup, and Danielle thinks this is very, very cool.
On their weekend getaway, Patty wears a silk nighty, and is really embarrassed, but Graham pretty much tells her me likie, with kisses and trying to have sex. They are interrupted by sounds of loser brother and his new girlfriend in the next room.
Rayanne comes over “looking for Rickie” and proceeds to be really fucking annoying about pretty much everything. Careful, Rayanne, or I might take back my whole life plan for you where you end up happy with Sharon. She finds the handcuffs that Patty did NOT take on the weekend getaway, and proceeds to handcuff herself to the bed. And of course, they can’t find the key. Remember that time when Rayanne’s crazy loser mom told her she should insert herself into Angela’s life? Yeah, I think Mom’s been handing out advice again.
Patty and Graham join loser brother and annoying girlfriend at breakfast, and they continue to be annoying. Patty tries to plan their fun, which I’m not sure is such a good idea.
Camille and Sharon stop by to check on Angela and Danielle, and for Camille to get her handcuffs back, and Angela tries very hard to prevent her from going up.
At the weekend getaway, the annoying new girlfriend gives Patty a bunch of backhanded compliments about essentially being old and boring. Then everybody backs out of going ice skating in favor of buying liquor, and leaves Patty alone at the B&B.
Angela is going on and on about how return policies are related to justice in her attempts to keep Camille from going upstairs. It doesn’t work, and Camille goes in… to find Rayanne pretending to be sick. Angela has a fit of the giggles, and Camille pretty much writes the whole thing off as teenagers being dumb and leaves.
Patty has been sitting at the B&B for hours alone, and sadly watches a happy couple coming in from ice skating, before deciding to take up origami. Finally, everyone comes back with ginger brandy, and I’m feeling about as impressed with them as Patty is.
Rayanne tries to talk to Angela, since she’s all handcuffed to the bed and everything, but Angela DOESN’T want to talk about it! Whoops! And neither does Rayanne, she just has to pee, so she wants Angela to bring her a jar.
At the B&B, Patty finds the key to the handcuffs. Uh-oh. She tells Graham about them, then, and he is, as always, up for anything, but backtracks when she tells him she didn’t bring them.
Sharon suggests that there IS someone who might be able to get Rayanne out of the handcuffs… and it’s Brian Krakow! His fix for it is wire cutters. Huh. I was expecting more. Oh, and Danielle is SO ready to be the Amy to Brian’s Laurie.
At the B&B, Patty finally gives in and joins everybody else in drinking the hooch, and Graham is pretty adorable in teasing her about saying the word “hooch”.
Danielle waxes poetically about the brilliance of Laurie, I mean, Brian Krakow, while they all decide to just go to a sex store to find more handcuffs, so they can get a key.
Patty is enjoying her trip a whole lot more now that she’s breaking the B&B rules and getting lit. There’s an awkward moment with the owner, but then everything ends up okay. I guess. I’m waiting for either a big fight or crazy fun, I can’t tell which.
On their way back from the sex shop, Sharon and Brian Krakow run into Kyle, who comes in to use the bathroom, and walks in on Brian leaning over Rayanne in the bed. He promptly tells his friend that not only does Brian have Rayanne chained to the bed, bud everyone else is watching. That would be some crazy shizz to be going down on the parents’ first weekend away.
Patty and the annoying girlfriend are super drunk, and Graham and loser brother are sober and not having the best of times. Patty spills brandy on her shirt and proceeds to take her shirt off in the restaurant. Graham carries her up to the room.
Rayanne tries to get Danielle to sneak her some liquor, but Danielle asks her why she does all the bad things. Rayanne explains that she just wants to make things happen. Angela looks in on Rayanne the next morning to find her snuggled up with Danielle. Whore.
Patty tries to apologize to everyone the next morning for her drunken escapades, but loser brother has already broken up with his new annoying girlfriend. Then she gets into a fight with Graham about the fact that he left her alone at the hotel all day, when what’s really bothering her is his relationship with HH.
Brian has decided to take apart the bed to get Rayanne out of the handcuffs, which works, but then Rayanne just wants to leave and she and Angela get into a big fight, until Danielle tells them that their mom is going to be home in 20 minutes! Everyone rallies to clean the house and put the bed back together in time for Patty and Graham to come home. Then Danielle saves the day, when she sees Patty put the key to the cuffs on the dresser, by distracting Patty and handing off the keys so Rayanne can leave the cuffs where she found them.
Later Graham and Patty find the cuffs and roll off camera. We hear the click of the cuffs. But where is the key?
As everyone is leaving, Angela asks Rayanne to stay back for a minute, and Rayanne DOESN’T want to talk, but WHOOPS! Angela just asks for the key to the handcuffs that she knew Rayanne swiped. Touche.
Patty is, meanwhile, handcuffed to the bed, without the key, and Graham gets distracted by the fishing channel before leaving to go ask Brian Krakow’s dad for… wire cutters. Wah-wah.
Drinking Game Tally: 18 drinks, 0 shots, 0 chugs
’90s Fashion Award
This week I’m giving it to Sharon for her purple jumper! Because while there were some crazy terrible things I wore in the ’90s, the jumper over turtleneck was standard.
Lessons I Learned About High School
School’s out for the weekend! Woohoo!
My So-Called Winner
Danielle! She finally got to be a part of the show!
My So-Called Loser:
Ugh. Rayanne annoyed me SO much this episode! So she loses.
Brian Krakow vs. Jordan Catalano:
Since Jordan Catalano wasn’t even IN this episode, it might be unfair to give it to Laurie, I mean Brian Krakow, but I think he should win this time around for all the work he did to get Rayanne out of those handcuffs.
Life Lessons Learned
- If you have an annoying loser brother who always surprises you with new girlfriends and the like, never ever go on vacation with him.
- Don’t let Rayanne Graff into your house. She’s like a vampire.