Hey! It’s PLL time!
ABC Family would like to remind us what’s been happening on Pretty Little Liars! ABC Family, just read this website! I’M TRYING TO DO YOU A SERVICE. Also I’m available for script supervisor. Or costume director. Or Key Cocktail Mixer. Whichevs!
Anyway, previously on PLL, Erin’s stream of consciousness: A gloved hand wipin’ out the population sign! DRAMATIC STUFF FULL OF DRAMA THINGS!
I wish they’d stop showing that preview of Jenna saying “secrets have a way of getting out.” She doesn’t say it like that in the show and also it makes her sound constipated.
Also, is someone knowing that you’ve been doing your sister reason to want them dead? Does Chris Dollanganger want all of us dead?? DON’T KILL US CHRIS DOLLANGANGER!
Okay, that’s enough of that. Show time!
We pick up mostly where we left off last week, as the Fierce Foursome sans Emily are running around the halls upstairs, looking for the aforementioned Em. The hallway lights are suspiciously broken, like in a James Cameron movie. Flicker, flicker, flourescent lights! You create drama with your diminished gasses! Aria calls Emily on her product-placement telephone- Emily’s phone rings from down the hall. It’s on the floor next to the science lab. The girls enter the science lab.There’s shattered glass on the floor. AND BLOOD. LIKE FOUR DROPS OF BLOOD. OMG SOMEONE COULD HAVE PICKED A ZIT. The soundtrack works itself into a frenzy at the mere thought of this. “Get Clean and Clear and under control!” the violins urge us frantically.
Cut to Toby, driving a car, and bleeding from cheek. Okay, well, it looks like a big zit that he picked. He looks back to Emily, who is unconscious or just very tired, in the backseat, bleeding from the temple.Toby pulls up to the hospital and looks back at Em pensively. Or passively. It’s kind of hard to tell, due to the lighting and the acting.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Show. A white Toyota Corrolla product-placed car, with CONGRATULATIONS on windshield, is parked outside of Emily’s house. Cops are milling around outside. Oh man! I guess Emily’s like dead or missing or something! All those cops! Aw, man, I liked you Second Best of All, Emily!
Emily’s bedroom. Oh, no, scratch all that. Emily is alive! The zit did not kill her. I repeat. The zit did not kill her. Spencer and Aria are with Emily, explaining to her and any Johnny-come-lately audience members that Toby is a sisterfucker. They figure Jenna was not consenting to this behavior, but I’m not really sure what leads them to believe that, since Jenna seems just as squirrely as Toby. Emily wants to know why, if Toby killed Alison like Spencer and Aria are suggesting, he didn’t kill her when he had the chance. The girls can’t answer this. I can! BECAUSE HE IS BLATANTLY NOT THE KILLER!
Outside, a cop is interviewing Em’s mom and backstorying that “Emily’s date” dropped Emily off at the hospital and drove away. Em’s mom is all, “Ben would never!” Cop is all, “Girl, you need to catch up with the town gossip! Your daughter went with Toby.” After he dropped her off at the hospital, Toby apparently traded in the family car for his motorcycle and ditched town. This seems like conjecture on the police’s part. He could be anywhere; you don’t know.
Meanwhile, Emily has a brace on her arm. She lied to the police and said she tripped. In reality, Toby attacked her.
Hanna arrives at Em’s house. The cop, still talking to Em’s mom, would really like to question Emily. Em’s mom is all, “My daughter doesn’t lie!” Cop is all, “Everyone lies, ma’am. Also now that I’ve provided a good line for the previews and earned my SAG card, I’m gonna hit craft services. I hear they have mini-burgers!”
Upstairs in Emily’s room, Hanna pulls out Toby’s psych file from under her jacket. She went to put it back in the shrink’s office but the cops were there and they now know the file was stolen. Aria interrupts all this so she can complain about her parents, who are communicating through her. Let’s pretend to care! For five seconds! Five . . . four . . . three . . .
Aria and Spencer, having spent quite enough time with their friend who was just assaulted and hospitalized, feel it’s time to bail; Hanna wants to know what to do withToby’s psych file. “Shove it in your locker,’ Spencer suggests. One would think that a girl as smart as they keep telling us Spencer is would remember that the police do not need a warrant to search school lockers and that maybe they should hide that evidence somewhere that requires at least an ounce of jurisprudence to unearth. Just a suggestion!
Hanna congratulates Emily on winning the car in the homecoming dance raffle. Hanna would like to talk to Em about her crazy karma. Hanna clearly does not understand how karma works, which is depressingly the case with most people, since no religions interpret karma the way she’s interpreting it. I mean, I hate to get all technical on an ABC Family show but it’s a little annoying how people throw around the word “karma” but don’t understand what karma is. Don’t mind me, though; I’m going Jesusing later!
Em cares not for my diatribes. She would instead like to know why Hanna thought she’d take Maya to the dance. Hanna plays dumb for approximately two seconds, then explains that A sent her the picture. Hanna is confused as to who Emily likes – she took Toby to the dance but she’s been kissing Maya!. Emily’s all, “If I say yes to Maya, everything will change.” Hanna’s all, “Yeah, you wouldn’t pretend to be someone else. No one cares who you’re with, Emily!” Emily responds, “Have you met my parents?” Oh, Emily. Like 73.4% of this nation’s GLBTQ don’t come out to their parents in high school, partly because their parents are assholes but mostly because you don’t tell your parents ANYTHING in high school. I didn’t even tell my parents when these kids from my high school wanted to shoot me due to an unfortunate mishap and a hit list! Sharing is caring. Hiding all information from your parents in order to avoid lengthy talks or lectures about your feelings and/or responsibilites is the teenage way.
Country Club. Spencer is in the kitchen, looking for Alex. Spencer does not have a hairnet! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! Spencer would like to explain to Alex about last night. Melissa lied to him; Spencer genuinely wants to jump in his pants. Some staff girl comes over and tries to kick Spencer out of the kitchen. (For not wearing a hairnet! SEE!) Alex defends Spence, and she asks him for another chance, a do-over date. Alex agrees, but only if he can plan the whole night and Spencer has to do what he says. Many a sex game has started this way, Spencer. I hope you don’t end up in the ER needing some sort of object extracted from any of your orifices.
Hot Teacher Hookup’s apartment. The camera is just panning over all of his hipsteresque decorating choices as the answering machine picks up. Aria is leaving him a message, as we cut to her bedroom.I have to applaud the directing choice and set design for this one tiny, throw away shot – Aria, hunched over herself, wearing tennis shoes and baggy jeans, with all her teenage accoutremont behind her on the walls, looks unbearably young.
Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, enters Aria’s room carrying a florist’s box, as Aria is hanging up the phone. Aria’s all “dad got you flowers?” Oh, Aria. In actuality, they’re for Aria. Aria’s nameless brother walks past Aria’s open door, on his way to the lacrosse game. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, will not be attending his game. Aria’s all, “You don’t have to sit with dad.” Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, thinks that would look worse than not going at all. UM, NOT TO YOUR SON, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride! But, by all means, please take out your frustrations on your children! Aria opens the florist box. The flowers are from Sean the PK, with a note thanking Aria for hanging out with him last night. Aria looks suitable repulsed. As am I. G TO THE ROSS, Sean! That’s totally inappropriate and douchey and – HEY! I have one of Aria’s pillows!!
Shaky cam of Em sleeping. There’s a doggy! And a lurking shadowy figure! Everything comes into focus – Jenna is there with her guide dog. HAI DOGGY! He looks like my parents’ doggy! Jenna has brought over cookies, Emily’s mom informs her. Jenna pointedly replies, “They taste even better with milk. You have milk, don’t you?” Ha. I love Jenna. Em’s mom gets the hint and leaves the room.
Jenna is worried about Toby and thinks that Emily might know where he is. Jenna is afraid of what Toby might do, out there in the wild. If the psych file falls in the wrong hands . . . Em is all, “I thought you’d be relieved that he was gone.” Jenna, master magician, quickly responds: “A ha! You do have the file! Give it to me or I’ll tell people that you bitches blinded me!” But more subtle than that.
Lucas the Abstinent Nerd is in the journalism lab, looking at photos of Hanna, with a dreamy/horny expression on his face. Hanna arrives, dressed in her Homecoming dress – they’re taking makeup pictures for the Homecoming King and Queen crowning, since Hanna was busy committing a felony and Lucas was busy aiding and abetting her while Sean was being crowned. Lucas the Abstinent Nerd dorkily flirts with her. Lucas is so cute! I want them to have safe sex and not make babies! Menawhile, can I just say: Hanna has Toby’s file just hanging out of her bag, for all the world to see. Way to go, Sherlock. I must say that the show makes a big deal out of all of this, so I expected the file to later go missing, but it does not. However, just know for the future that both Lucas and Sean were in full sight of the file during this scene, so if anyone professes any knowledge of Hanna having had the file, it’s probably from one of them. Sean the PK shows up in a suit jacket and tie and shorts. When my housing co-op used to have our semi-formal dinner, this kid named Craig used to dress just like that. Emily calls Hanna just as she and Sean are lining up for the picture. Sean is bitchy about it. Get over it, Sean.
Em’s room. Emily’s mom comes in to read magazines in front of her. She takes Em’s phone away from her and is all,” Just you and me! Bonding time!” And then she goes back to reading magazines. Nice.
School. More pictures are being taken. Lucas the Abstinent Nerd starts adjusting lights, but I think he’s really just fucking with Sean. Lucas reminds me of my and Sarah’s friend Ray, who also likes to fuck with people in just that sort of way. More pictures. Clickety click.
Emily’s room. Boy, Emily sure is spending a lot of time in bed. Dang, Em, you hit your head, it’s not like you have cancer! You didn’t see me endlessly whinging about my concussion last yea- oh, wait. Never mind. Carry on, Emily! Em’s mom, having tired of her bonding through silently reading magazines, looks up and bleats, “I know about Toby! He’s trouble! People cross the street when they see him coming!” Well, gosh. I wonder why he has issues. Emily’s mother is suspicious of Toby, cause of how he blinded his sister. Wellll . . . “Do you know what our neighbors are going to think? You need to be honest with me! And yourself!” I’m not sure you’d like the outcome of that advice, Emily’s mom.
School. Lucas is still taking pictures of the not-so-happy couple. Sean is unhappy with Hanna ditching him at homecoming. GET OVER IT, SEAN. Lucas is shirty towards Sean, whichI love. Sean bails on the photoshoot.
Aria’s house. Chad Lowe comes in to Aria’s room to talk to his vulnerable teenage daughter about how he and his equally adult wife are drama-filled nitwits. Look, parents of the world, get divorced or don’t, but don’t drag your kids into it. You’re ADULTS. You should be above whining and stamping your foot that life isn’t fair and no one loves you anymore. That goes to some people on Facebook as well. Chad Lowe is all,”Your mom and I have been together since we were kids!” Well that’s what happens in the compound! You take your child bride early on, so that you can prepare your way into the gates of the Heaven of Our Blessed Lord! And also cause, per Roman Polanski, “Everyone likes to fuck young girls.” Well, he would know, since he’s an unrepentant child rapist.
Let’s move on. Aria asks if her dad is moving out.He says he’d never to do that, but Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, wants to spend time apart. Oh, sure. Blame the break up on your wife, who is just so horrible. Why can’t she understand that sometimes a guy just needs to tenderly bone his grad student! Man! It’s like she expected you to honor your marital vows or something! (I realize that I’m coming across pretty vitriolic towards Chad Lowe, but Chad Lowe is a douchelord. Seriously, don’t fuck around on your husbands/wives, people. And if you do fuck around on them, for fuck’s sake, take your punishment like a goddamn grown up and stop whining that life just isn’t fair.) But, but! Chad Lowe still loves Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride! But Aria is just too young to understand the complexities! Oh good. Patronizing your teen always works.
Emily’s room of Infinite Concussions. She and her mom are still bonding by reading magazines.I think her mom is reading Simply Cooking, which I must admit is a great magazine. Em reaches for her phone to text someone.
The girls sans Emily are in woods. Hanna is in a tizzy! She’s going to do something to the file! She doesn’t want to keep it anymore! Em is texting someone’s phone, but that phone is left in the car. Hanna wants to destroy the file. She can’t afford to go back to jail! Hanna, I’d say your mom’s vagina can’t afford for youto go back to jail. She comes clean about shoplifting the sunglasses. Aria, amusingly, is all “Are you talking about the Gucci ones, with the . . .” Spencer orders Aria to focus. She thinks Toby is our mysterious A, and that Hanna should hand over the file. Hanna still wants to destroy the file, then starts arguing about how Spencer is privileged, but not everyone can just get a Get Out of Jail Free card from their parents. Yeah! Some people’s parents have to prostitute themselves to get their kids out of jail! Aria, who has had enough, grabs Toby’s file and throws it, artistically, into the river. It floats, artistically, downstream. I barf, artistically. Just then, a text message to Aria from Emily – “Whatever you do, don’t destroy that file!” Um, whoops?
School. Hallway. Em, who has recovered enough to stand upright,and Spencer are talking. Spencer gets a text message. It’s not from A. Spencer is by this point sure that Toby isA and they don’t have to worry any more.I haven’t had a chance to do this yet in this recap. Oh, Spencer. Maya walks by the girls and pointedly ignores Emily as Spencer checks her text. The text was from Alex – he is cancelling on their do-over date, using work as an excuse. Spencer, glumly, says that the club is closed on Mondays.
Aria walks into Hot Teacher Hookup’s room. No Fitz. Instead a sub is in there, writing on the board. The sub is wearing a very tight skirt. That’s not appropriate for school hours, sub! The sub says that Fitz is out today. No one knows when he’ll be back. The sub looks really familiar. Hey! It’s Sara Shepard! (aka the author of the Pretty Little Liars series.) OMG GIRL YOU ARE WORKING THAT SKIRT.
Hallways. Jenna approaches Emily at her locker. She wants Toby’s file. Emily hedges for a while, then admits that it’s gone for good. Jenna? Not pleased.
Journalism room. Lucas the Abstinent Nerd is fiddling with the layout when Hanna shows up. He would like Hanna’s approval on the pictures. Hanna wants him to use the one where Sean and she are not happy to be near each other. “At least it’s real.” Aw, Hanna. Come ‘ere, girl, let’s binge on some ice cream together.
Country Club. Spencer lurks in the kitchen (not wearing a hairnet). Alex appears. He is there! He had to make fruit skewers for breakfast. Even though fruit skewers would fall off overnight and be totally gross by morning. JEEZ, Alex. Why don’t you try reading Simply Cooking sometime? Spencer, untrained in commercial kitchens and without a health code license, offers to help. Oh, goody. Alex is impressed by her bonhomie.
School. Why are some people in school and some not? Why do all of these people skip school?? School is fun! Sean approaches Aria, asking if she received his flowers. Aria, to her credit, immediately tells Sean he’s being a stupid lame jerkface. “Hanna loves you! Don’t be a jerkface again.” They are interrupted by Aria’s brother – MIKE! He has a name! IT IS MIKE! – who is in the middle of a fight with some other guy. Mike is upset. Man, the neverending legacy of divorce. Sluts or anger issues, it never fails. (Just kidding, children of divorce! You’re all wonderful!)
Journalism room. Lucas is showing Hanna Youtube viral videos as a way of flirting with her. Yay! Favorite Youtube videos!!! Let’s flirt with each other! Post your favorites in the replies! My favorites are these:
- My boyfriend, Isaiah Mustafa, proposes to some girl who isn’t me: The Old Spice Proposal
- The CRAZIEST COMMERCIAL EVER (warning: IT WILL DAMAGE YOUR PSYCHE): The Canadian PSA for Kitchen Safety
- SURPRIZE KITTY!: Surprised Kitty
- And, a new classic, David After the Dentist: IS THIS FOREVER?
Anyway, back to the show. Lucas used to be so afraid of Hanna. Well, all of Alison’s “coven,” as he calls them. Alison was evil! She used to call him a hermaphrodite! Lucas, dude, chillax. People call Jamie Lee Curtis and Lady Gaga hermaphrodites and they’re both laughing all the way to the bank and/or trying to make you regular via special yogurt. Alison had names for everybody, says Hefty Hanna. “Why were you friends with that?” “Alison had a magical quality!” protests Hanna.
Country Club. Spencer is looking for something in a store room and opens a cabinet. The inside doors are lined with a bunch of members’ pictures, with horns and goatees drawn on them. Spencer sees her own and is butthurt. Alex explains that lots of people are bitchy assholes, particularly the rich people. It’s reality for poor folk! Spencer self-fulfills her bitchy rich asshole prophesy, and leaves.
School, band practice. Emily is zipping up her cello? bass? whatever. Emily comes over to her. She tells Maya that the picture of them is out there in the world. And that she misses Maya. And she wants to try to do the dating thing. Maya is not exactly falling over herself with joy. Maya doesn’t trust Emily, but Emily says she’s trying this new thing called being honest with herself. Awww, they’re totally gonna rekindle. And then do it.
Chad Lowe and Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, are at school, having been called into the office about Mike’s fight. Their discussion devolves into Let’s Stay Together For The Kids. Everyone involved in this conversation is wrong, as per uze. Chad Lowe doesn’t want to leave! Well,Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, doesn’t want him to stay.
Hot Teacher Hookup’s apartment. Aria’s there, knocking on the door. No answer. She gets his spare key from under the mat and unlocks the door. The phone is ringing as she walks in and a voice comes over the answering machine. The message: some lady from Harrison Country Day in New York is calling to confirm his interview. Why are all private schools called Country Day? It makes it sound like a fucking summer camp.
Hanna’s house. Sean the PK has come over to bring Hanna her homework (she skipped English class). Sean graciously decides to forgive her. Hanna, pleased, tries to share with Sean one of the viral videos that Lucas showed her earlier. Sean could not possibly care less.
Kitchen. Alex is cooking and dancing along to the radio. How is this supposed to be breakfast? Spencer comes back. He and Spencer make up, and then salsa in the kitchen. Spencer’s unbound hair is swishing all over the kitchen. All this spinning and turning right next to the stove? AGAIN, see the Canadian PSA.
Anyway, now they’re kissing. Her hair is dangling over the cutting board. This is so upsetting for me. I am going to go bleach down my kitchen counters in sympathy.
Aria’s house. She is reading a book that Fitz apparently had given her (based on his inscription inside). The acoustic music lets us know it’s time to be serious.
Em, driving her new car, sees Toby’s bike on a wrecker, looking worse for wear.Cops are swarming Jenna and Toby’s house. Jenna is sitting on the porch, crying.
Aria’s. She asks Mike if he’s said goodbye. “Maybe this is best for everyone,” Aria says. Mike doubts that.
Outside, Chad Lowe is packing up the car as he and Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, waspishly go over their week’sschedule. Then Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, gets in the car and drives off. Well! That was unexpected!
Spencer’s house? Emily’s? I can’t tell. Spence, Em and Hanna are wondering what happened to Toby. Emily gets a text message. “Thanks for getting Toby out of my way. -A” Told you, Spencer!
Our closing shot is of the stream of Toby’s Psych File’s Discontent. Tangled wet pages are picked up by a gloved hand. Are you kidding me? That file has been in that stream for well over a day! It’s got to be paper mache by now!
That’s it for this week, folks!! Only a few more episodes left! Will we find out who A is? Will we find out who killed Alison? Will the secret location of Holly Marie Combs’ religious compound be revealed? Join us next week to find out!