Hey, little liars! Is everyone bundled up and enjoying Snowmageddon ’11? Here in South Texas, it is not snowing (of course! Because we never get to have any fun!), but it’s cold as a witch’s tit and we’re having rolling blackouts. Why? What does the cold have to do with our power? Can you please explain that to me, CenterPoint Energy??
But I digress. It may be cold outside, but it’s certainly heating up on Pretty Little Liars! (Okay, I’ll stop writing copy like a junior marketing executive trying to shill hot cocoa or vibrators now.) But, seriously. This week’s episode was sort of CRAZYBALLS. So let’s get to it!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb the Tech Druggie was dealing some phone improvements, Aria and Fitz’s relationship is a secret, Jason is Alison’s older brother, the girls found Alison’s bracelet in the woods- except she had the bracelet on when the police found her body, Hanna has lasagna cash, Maya may have moved on, Hanna and Spencer are sent a picture of Alison . . . and someone following her.
Show! The girls are at Spencer’s, and it is early in the morning. Not so early that Aria can’t be dressed in an incredibly ridiculous outfit that makes her look like a deranged wood nymph, though. Today’s choice is a long-sleeved pajama shirt . . . and a hat. A hat that even a particularly poor-dressing Rastafarian would look at and be all, “Mon, you be trippin!” WHAT IS THAT. I wish I could have found a photo for you guys, because this outfit defies my humble grasp of the English language. It actually defies all languages. We’re going to have to come up with a new dialect for this outfit, called Whathefuckonian. And in Whathefuckonian, the word that describes Aria’s outfit is: G6ryei#gh~twat. That’s pronounced like “fugly.”
Anyway, Aria wants the girls to see the Alison picture – she thinks there’s only one place that the photo could be taken from. Alison’s bedroom! What if Jason took the photo? Spencer volunteers to talk to Jason about it.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Oh, bee tee dubs, I never mention this, but ABC Family has a feature on their website which will show you how to style your hair like the girls on the show. So if you, too, desire to look like a strung-out Powerpuff girl (TM Hanna), you can!
Show. Hanna is now hiding her money in a box of popsicles. Does no one in this household have a safe or anything? Prozzie Mom comes in, on the phone, and it seems that the old lady from whom she stole all the money has requested a surprise appointment. Ruh roh!
School. Spencer, wearing an incredibly stupid hat, arrives at the track to talk to Jason. Jason is shirtless and running the bleachers. Shirtless. That awesome hip line that guys have is showing above his shorts. Cause he’s shirtless. I’ll be in my bunk.
Seriously, Spencer, are you wearing ice skates without the blade? Why is this?
Anyway, Spencer shows Jason the photo, but Jason isn’t all that impressed, because the family got tons of crank calls and fake leads after she disappeared. He promises to take it to the family PI, and then apologizes for being such a jerk at the Memenchication. Do I sense a little romantic history between these two? Am I going to have to fight Spencer for the shirtless dude? I mean, his face isn’t anything amazing, but he’s all sweaty and stuff. Maybe I could graft Fitz’s face onto this body and create one completely hot dude in Rosewood.
Swimming pool! Emily’s kicking ass at her laps. AND GUESS WHO IS THERE?! KAT FROM 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU. GODDAMNIT, ABC FAMILY, PUT 10 THINGS BACK ON THE AIR!!!!! Kat seems a little annoyed that Emily’s all of a sudden decided to start caring about the swimming team again.
Hallway. Spencer gives Aria some tickets to some museum thing, for a surprise date that Aria’s planning for Fitz. ALSO Aria is wearing earrings that are bigger than my face. I think she could make a sundial from those.
Locker room. Kat has a bob! And straight hair! I’m not sure how I feel about this! Anyway, she’s trying out for the swim team captain, I think, and she gives everyone a gift and then tries to speechify to the girls but the coach interrupts her to congratulate Emily on breaking a record at practice. Kat (okay, her name is Paige, but WHATEVER IT’S REALLY KAT!) is upset and storms off.
Kat, I’m not so sure this is the best look for you, but I’m so happy to see you that I don’t care!
Guys! Do you know what this means? Ethan Peck could show up AT ANY TIME as a love interest!!! Holy shit!
Aria walks into Fitz’s classroom, but he’s administering a make-up test, so she can’t just come out and ask him to go out with her. So she decides to be sneaky about it. Aria has a tie on, with a Post-It that says Wear Me! And asks Fitz out sneakily by showing him the tickets in her binder. He sneakily agrees. Well, it’s good to know that these two can occasionally do something in a sneaky manner.
In the halls, the coach calls out Hanna for ditching PE and gives her a week’s detention. Hanna’s hair is . . . not a good look for her. It makes her look like an elf. Not the Aria kind of elf. The Legolas type of elf. Anyway, Caleb the Tech Druggie is lurking around and sticking his nose into Hanna’s business but then mercifully leaves. I know, I know; I’m supposed to think he’s cool and mysterious or whatever, but you know who was cool and mysterious? Patrick Mothertruckin Verona on 10 Things I Hate About You!!! This guy is WEAK SAUCE.
Hanna opens her locker to find a Mother’s Day card from A. It has a little dialogue bubble from the “mom” in the picture that reads, “I need money!” Man. How did A find a Mother’s Day card out of season? Is A one of those people who always keeps a selection of cards and impersonal but charming gifts around, in case she forgets someone’s birthday or she is invited to a dinner party the same day she gets back from a vacation in Rio? Cause I hate people like that. Mostly cause I can’t be one.
The inside of the card reads, “Wanna help mama get $$$? Show Aria’s mom what her kid’s been hiding. -A” Oh. OH. STONE COLD, MIZ JACKSON. Included in the envelope is a ticket to the museum thing that Aria and Fitz are going to, presumably for Hanna to give to Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride.
Commercials. The Roommate! I WANT THIS MOVIE NOW.
Show. Hanna is at home. Have you ever noticed how dimly lit her house always is? Can they not afford the power either? Prozzie Mom is at home and is clearly upset, judging by her giant sweater and messy ponytail. According to TV Land, I’m always clearly upset and not, in fact, just lazy and sort of a schlub, cause I’m always rocking that look. Prozzie Mom is awfully emotional and promises Hanna that she’ll always take care of her, somehow. Here’s an idea! SUE YOUR EX-HUSBAND FOR ALIMONY AND CHILD SUPPORT!! Hanna is so totes going to sell out Aria to help her mom. Well. I mean. I sort of would too. Especially since Prozzie Mom just offered to make Hanna bacon.
Locker Room. Kat is studying Emily’s bra with interest. Emily assures Kat that she doesn’t want to be captain; meanwhile Kat threatens Emily with lesbianism? I don’t know, it’s a little confusing. Kat’s kind of a bully.
“I used to be on this show called 10 Things I Hate About You. It was better than this show.”
Aria catches sight of Fitz and they flirt with their eyes. Aria, for once, is actually dressed like a normal teenage girl. She runs into Hanna and tries to cheer up Hanna’s blues, which she thinks are about being dumped by Sean the PK. Hanna tries to convince Aria not to go to out with Fitz to the museum, but Aria gets upset and storms off.
Lunchtime! Girls minus Hanna are eating lunch, glumly. Spencer keeps trying to get the girls excited about, like, life or whatever. Emily, however, is too busy thinking about Kat. Spencer threatens to destroy her. It’s cute. Aria opens the gift that Kat gave the swim team – it’s a friendship bracelet! Just like Alison’s! It looks to be the from the same store! The girls want to investigate, of course. They’re such little Nancy Drews. Only Nancy would have had this shit FIGURED already. And also Em isn’t as gay as George.
Commercials and I – oh! OH NO! IT’S A PREVIEW OF THE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT MOVIE!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! OH MY GOD AT JUSTIN’S CONCERTS, GIRLS CAN BE CHOSEN AS THE ONE LESS LONELY GIRL! AND JUSTIN WILL GIVE THEM FLOWERS AND SING TO THEM!!! AHHHH!!!
Okay, all that excitement brought on a coughing fit. I wonder if the lucky girl gets to go backstage and give head to a roadie after the show. Hell, start ’em young, am I right?
Show. (Also the idea of tween oral sex brought on another coughing fit so I GET IT, JESUS, I shouldn’t make jokes about tween sex.) MOVING ON.
Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is teaching a class about war concessions in the late ’30s. Spencer takes this time to elucidate on the theme of this evening’s show, that giving in to bullies never works. This spurs Hanna to chase Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, through the halls, presumably to steal back the museum ticket, but she’s caught by the coach who gave her detention and told to get to the detention room.
In said wonderland, Hanna is joined by Caleb the Tech Druggie. Of course. Cause he’s a Bad Boy, don’t you know? Hanna and Caleb have a lovely talk, not at all in sotto voice, during detention. She wants to leave. There’s an obligatory reference to Justin Bieber’s movie – “It’s not just a movie. It’s his STORY!” and Hanna gets all defensive about The Biebs and his beautiful hair. Which, have you noticed? He often hides in a backward ball cap. Even though I severely doubt he is a catcher for a baseball team. He may be another kind of catcher, though. I mean. I’m just sayin’. I really shouldn’t speculate on the sexuality of pre-pubescents, but THEN I remember that he’s actually 16 and should be halfway through The Change already. Guys? What if he just gets stuck like that? How sad for him.
Anyway, Hanna really needs to go so that she can keep Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, from going to the museum, but she can’t leave. Caleb manages to get himself sprung from detention using his phone. Jesus. What CAN’T he do with that phone? I wonder if that phone can blow him like The One Less Lonely Girl can.
Aria is outside of Fitz’s apartment, dressed in a killer red dress. She buzzes, but there’s no answer. Cause Fitz is behind her, on the street! In a limo! Classy! And not at all a gross display of his power and influence over a child!
That chauffeur is thinking, “I have a daughter your age. This sickens me.”
Hanna’s let out of detention at 4 pm. Damn, I do not understand these schools that let out so early. I didn’t get out of high school till 4:30, and then had 2 hour practice afterward! I didn’t get home till 7! Kids today! Anyway, I think she’s given up trying to stop Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride.
Meanwhile, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, tries to start her car, but it won’t start! Caleb’s influence?
Locker room. Emily, Kat and the coach are gathered around. The coach has been told about An Incident Involving A Homophobic Comment. Emily covers for Kat. The coach is so not convinced, because she’s repping for lady PE teachers everywhere.
Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, has called Actor/Director Chad Lowe to help her with the car, and they bicker about kill switches. Those two are clearly in love. They should get married and have babies. Oh, wait. They did that already. Didn’t work out.
Spencer enters her house to find Jason chilling out on her sofa. The PI thinks the picture is real, and Jason may have taken it. QUOI THE QUOI? Jason doesn’t really remember, cause he used to be high all the time. Spencer is surprised to learn about Jason’s druggie past. He used to party with Ian. Now Spencer is SHOCKED.
Back at the Broken Car With The Kill Switch of Love, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is still bickering with Actor/Director Chad Lowe. They’ve moved on from pizza metaphors to car metaphors. Then they act like teenagers about the idea of each other dating. Actor/Director Chad Lowe is all, “You walked out on me!” Um, yes. AFTER YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR STUDENT. He tells her he’ll drive her to Philly for the Museum thing.
Spencer’s house. She and Emily are eating pizza like stoners. They have an appointment with the bead shop. Spencer’s eating a LOT of pizza. Is she preggers? Or just high? Or both? Did Jason give her drugs? Did Jason give her a BABY? Did he give her a BABY FULL OF DRUGS? Spencer told the coach about Kat’s bullying. Emily gets really upset with her. She’s not helpless! She can stand up for herself! Well, she never did with Alison!, Spencer says. Emily walks out. Poor Spencer; she was only trying to do the right thing.
At the museum thing, Fitz and Aria go outside, disappointed that the artist didn’t show up for his own showing. (So I guess this wasa modern artist, and not, like, Monet. Wouldn’t it be funny if it were Monet, though? “I can’t believe he didn’t show up! How rude! I don’t think that water lillies thing is all that great, anyway!”) And then they kiss! In public! Hey, guess what, Fitz? SHE STILL LOOKS SIXTEEN, EVEN IN PHILLY!!
Nice stems, princess.
Prozzie Mom is at work, dreading her appointment with the old lady. Hanna shows up, worried. She doesn’t want to lose Prozzie Mom. Prozzie Mom’s admin comes in; Mrs Potter (that’s the old lady) had a heart attack and died!! Hanna’s so happy and relieved! Even though I’m pretty sure it was the theft that killed her. Well, I guess that’s . . . solved? The lady didn’t have a will? A probate lawyer isn’t going to be wanting that money at some point?
Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe have shown up at the museum. They totally start making out in the car like teenagers, thus conveniently missing their actual teenager making out with her adult boyfriend.
At the “bead shop” (really just an old lady’s house), Spencer asks her when she made Alison’s bracelet. Sometime in the last six months! And they were purchased by a Spencer Hastings! WHAAA?
Commercials. That Tresemme non-wash spray is bullshit. BULLSHIT. My hair doesn’t look that bouncy and fresh just out of the shower, much less after a day or two of not washing it.
The next day! Aria is sitting in the courtyard and Hanna approaches. Hanna feels extremely guilty and nearly confesses, but then figures out that Aria wasn’t caught. Hanna feels relieved. Her hair still looks dumb.
Swimming pool. Emily’s doing laps. Then someone holds her head under the water and she nearly drowns!! It’s Kat, of course. She’s mad because Em’s replaced her as Relay Anchor. Kat is angry! Grr!! You don’t want to make Kat mad, Em! She’ll convert her car to biodiesel and then run you over with it!
Hallways. Hanna finds Caleb the Tech Druggie lounging against her locker. He gives her back the car part that he stole from Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride’s, car. He tells Hanna he’ll think about a way she can pay him back.
Clearly a dude who has been using Tresemme’s no-wash spray.
Hallways. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, wants to go shopping with Aria. She is walking the cheerful walk of the recently fucked, but tells Aria that she went to the art museum. Aria freaks out, but then Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, says “It was really exciting to meet the artist,” so maybe Aria has figured out she’s safe.
Spencer is at her house, studying the picture of Alison and the bracelets. Flashback! Drink! Spencer and Alison are arguing. Alison is going to tell Melissa about Spencer and Ian’s tongue-swappage. Spencer’s pissed. Alison is, by the way, wearing the yellow shirt she was wearing on the last night she was alive. As far as Spencer is concerned, Alison is dead to her! Alison storms off . . . and Spencer storms off after her . . .
About which she comes clean to the girls. She didn’t kill Ali, but what if it was somehow her fault? Just then, Spence sees something . . . it’s Jason, staring out of Alison’s bedroom window (which is I thought was supposed to be Maya’s house now?). . .
Credits. The Bead Store lady is talking to our favorite Mysterious Gloved Person and telling them (besides the fact that they have “such expressive eyes” – maybe it’s Jenna?), that she did “exactly what you told me to do.” Dun dun dun!!!
Shizz is heating up, you guys! And did you notice that there was only ONE real appearance from A? I think I like it better that way. A’s kind of obnoxious when s/he pops up every other scene. Speaking of . . . who do you think A is? Leave your ideas in the comments!